Host (Bert) (2:11)

Good morning, Carrie. You are on the Bert Show.

Caller/Listener (2:13)

Hi.

Carrie (2:13)

Hey. How are y' all doing?

Host (Bert) (2:14)

Great, thank you.

Carrie (2:16)

I want to ask y' all if I'm weird.

Caller/Listener (2:19)

Yes.

Co-host (2:20)

Okay.

Host (Bert) (2:21)

If you have to ask, you already know.

Carrie (2:23)

I know. I have a feeling. It's pretty bizarre, but I just want to get your take on it, all right? Okay. You know how in scary movies there's always a chick with really big boobs running from the scary man with a knife?

Caller/Listener (2:35)

Sure.

Carrie (2:35)

And she always runs outside or falls down or runs up the stairs. And you're like, no, stupid. Don't do that. Right. Okay. I wanted to see what I would do in the same situation, so I made my husband chase me with a knife.

Co-host (2:50)

Say again?

Carrie (2:50)

You did all the exact same things.

Co-host (2:53)

No, you did not.

Co-host (2:54)

So you had really big boobs. Do you have really big boobs?

Carrie (2:57)

No, I don't.

Co-host (2:58)

Was this, like. It was this, like a. Was this, like, an adult thing? Like, was this, like a turn on thing for you, or.

Carrie (3:04)

No, I just. I really wanted to see how I would react if there was a killer in the house.

Host (Bert) (3:09)

But the killer was your husband.

Co-host (3:10)

You were trying to do a scientific experiment based on horror movies.

Carrie (3:13)

I guess so. But he was really scary when he did it.

Co-host (3:16)

Are you kidding?

Co-host (3:17)

Now you're having second thoughts about your husband?

Carrie (3:19)

I know, I know. He didn't want to do it at first, but he was standing by the knife block.

Host (Bert) (3:23)

Yeah.

Carrie (3:24)

And then all of a sudden, he pulled the butcher knife out and he said, okay, go.

Co-host (3:27)

Oh, my God.

Co-host (3:27)

Explain to me.

Host (Bert) (3:28)

Like, bring me into your living room for just a second. When you explain to him what you want done to you that night.

Carrie (3:34)

Yeah. He thinks I'm weird anyway.

Host (Bert) (3:36)

But how do you say that to him? Like, how do you break it to him? Like, hey, I know this is gonna sound a little freaky here, but I've got something I'd like to try tonight.

Carrie (3:42)

Well, no, we drink a lot, so we do. You know, we fail at crazy things. And we'd had a few beers and I said, hey, case me with a knife.

Co-host (3:50)

You didn't have to really explain that. I think we figured that out.

Co-host (3:53)

God bless you.

Host (Bert) (3:54)

All right, let's just go around the room.

Co-host (3:55)

Crash.

Host (Bert) (3:55)

Would you consider Kerry weird?

Co-host (3:57)

Well, I like the fact that she drinks a lot, but, I mean, chasing you with a real knife, what if he'd have caught you and started stabbing you? You want to see how you really react when knives go into you.

Host (Bert) (4:05)

It's really a great combination, the drinking and the knives. Yeah.

Carrie (4:08)

I Know it's not safe. And I really trust him.

Co-host (4:11)

I just ask you a couple of questions just so we can get some background. What do you do for a living?

Carrie (4:16)

I'm a nurse.

Co-host (4:20)

And your husband?

Carrie (4:22)

He's in sales.

Co-host (4:23)

And how long have you guys been married?

Carrie (4:24)

Three years.

Co-host (4:25)

Any kids?

Carrie (4:26)

No.

Co-host (4:26)

And other than this, do you consider yourself normal, or do you have other odd things that you think maybe we should just have as background info before we pass judgment?

Carrie (4:35)

Well, for Halloween, I dressed up with a black cape and a real scary mask, and I acted like a trick or treater. And when he came to the door, I jumped in and tried to choke him.

Co-host (4:47)

Where do you live? What part of town do you live in?

Carrie (4:49)

Yes, you're weird, Marietta.

Host (Bert) (4:50)

Yes, you're weird. God bless you, Melissa. Is Carrie weird?

Co-host (4:54)

If I was in the living room with my loved one drinking beers, I can think of something I'd rather do than be chased around the house with a knife. So, yeah, you're wasting time. And you're weird, Jen.

Host (Bert) (5:04)

Hobby.

Co-host (5:04)

I'm just glad her neighbors didn't see this whole thing going down because they'd be calling the cops on your weird ass.

Caller/Listener (5:09)

Jeff.

Co-host (5:10)

Carrie, you're not weird. I love you. Call us every day.

Host (Bert) (5:15)

You know what I want to continue doing here? Because we did this one time before where we had listeners call us up with the most random things and ask us if they were weird because they did these things. You remember that?

Co-host (5:24)

Yeah, we called it Am I Normal?

Host (Bert) (5:26)

I think I came in here and I asked you guys one day because I really enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing if I can watch my eyes dilate. So I try to catch them going from one eye to the other. And if you close your eyes and you open them up, you can watch your eyes dilate. You guys have never done that?

Caller/Listener (5:39)

I've done that.

Co-host (5:40)

I've done that.

Caller/Listener (5:40)

Yeah, it's cool.

Host (Bert) (5:41)

I think it's just really fun. So I asked you guys if I was normal, and then we took a whole bunch of calls on that.

Carrie (5:48)

Every time I get out of the shower, I'm totally naked. I'm drying off, and I just start naked dancing. I pretend I'm a star, and I interview myself and answer my own questions. Anybody practice how they're gonna react when they hit the lottery? I've been married for three years, but I still play in my wedding dress like it's my wedding. After I make something to eat, I pretend I'm an own food critic. One thing that I love to do is when I hear A really good line in a television show or on a movie, I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then reenact that line over and over in the mirror until I get it perfect. I usually tie myself up and play like a damsel in distress.

Co-host (6:25)

Do you rescue yourself, too?

Carrie (6:27)

Yep.

Host (Bert) (6:29)

You guys remember. Remember those?

Co-host (6:30)

Yes.

Host (Bert) (6:30)

Here's another one I'll add to the list. If I am the first car in the intersection next to somebody else, I've got a little sportscaster guy in my voice that's always acting out. Me racing against the other guy to see who can get to the end of the intersection first.

Co-host (6:44)

That's, like, better off dead. Wasn't it that movie where they had the Asian guys in the car and they would do Howard Cosell?

Host (Bert) (6:50)

I always play that out in my head. So if you have a question, if you do something around the house and you're like, do other people do this, or is it just me? Good morning, Kristen.

Caller/Listener (6:59)

Hey. Hey.

Carrie (7:00)

On the way to work in the morning, I act like Sophia from the Color Purple.

Caller/Listener (7:05)

Who's Oprah? Oprah.

Carrie (7:06)

And I do the cornfield scene where she's like, you told Harpo to beat me. I do that, like, every morning on the way to work. It excites me. It makes my day so much easier.

Co-host (7:15)

Can you do the whole thing?

Caller/Listener (7:16)

Yeah.

Co-host (7:16)

Can you do it right now for us?

Carrie (7:18)

Oh, my God, here we go. You told Harpo to beat me? All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. A woman child ain't safe in the family of men. This side be over soon. Heaven lasts always. You better head open and think about heaven later.

Host (Bert) (7:36)

And every morning. You recite that in your car?

Carrie (7:38)

Every morning. And my daughter does it now.

Caller/Listener (7:41)

She's like.

Carrie (7:42)

That's like, our ritual. We do that every morning.

Co-host (7:45)

How old's your daughter?

Carrie (7:46)

She's five.

Co-host (7:47)

Is she in the car with you?

Carrie (7:48)

Yeah, she's asleep now. She's trying to get to school, get a little nap in.

Caller/Listener (7:52)

That's great.

Carrie (7:53)

I know, I'm weird.

Host (Bert) (7:54)

That's all right. Embrace it. Embrace it.

Co-host (7:56)

That's great.

Host (Bert) (7:57)

Thanks for calling.

Carrie (7:58)

Thank you.

Caller/Listener (7:59)

Bye. Bye.

Host (Bert) (8:00)

Liz, you're on the Burke Show.

Carrie (8:02)

Hi. I know. I'm just absolutely the weirdest.

Caller/Listener (8:05)

Okay.

Carrie (8:06)

All my magazines and my husband in my bathroom in the back next to the potty are turned face down so that there's no faces looking at me when I'm.

Host (Bert) (8:18)

Are you serious?

Co-host (8:19)

That's great.

Carrie (8:22)

That's funny.

Host (Bert) (8:24)

Thanks, Liz.

Carrie (8:25)

Thank you.

Host (Bert) (8:25)

Bye now. Hey, Ashley.

Carrie (8:27)

Yes.

Co-host (8:28)

Hi.

Caller/Listener (8:28)

What.

Host (Bert) (8:28)

What makes you kind of in normal or abnormal?

Carrie (8:31)

Well, I used to go to, like, little places like Eddie's Attic and little, you know, watch bands play. And I have this dream of being a singer. And I used to sing, like, really loud in the audience so that I'd hope that the people up on stage would want me to be in their band. Like, listen to that girl. She's such an incredible singer. Who used to be in our band.

Co-host (8:54)

Have you ever seen the movie Rockstar?

Carrie (8:56)

Yes.

Co-host (8:56)

Is that your dream?

Carrie (8:57)

Yes, it is.

Host (Bert) (9:02)

Would you specifically get seats close to the stage so they could hear you sing?

Carrie (9:07)

Yeah. I mean, you know, at Eddie's Attic, you know, you got the little. The tables, or sometimes they don't have the tables. You can just kind of be up close to the front. But I just sing really loud and harmonize, and just so you know, they just go. You.

Co-host (9:22)

Just so you know, everybody hates you.

Host (Bert) (9:28)

Thank you.

Co-host (9:29)

Bye.

Host (Bert) (9:29)

Bye. Good morning, Melissa. You are on the Burke Show.

Carrie (9:32)

Hi.

Caller/Listener (9:32)

Hi.

Carrie (9:32)

Good morning.

Host (Bert) (9:34)

Morning.

Carrie (9:35)

When I'm by myself, I take. I have a ring on my ring finger. I'm single. And I'll take it off and I'll just start crying out like, my boyfriend just broke up with me. And I'm like, I can't believe you did this to me. You're by yourself. My dream is being an actor, so.

Co-host (9:54)

So instead of, like, pretending he just proposed to you, you pretend that he just broke up with you?

Carrie (9:59)

Yeah. But the funny thing is, is I'm single, so I have no boyfriend to be single.

Caller/Listener (10:02)

Oh, God.

Carrie (10:05)

That'S great.

Co-host (10:05)

Thank you.

Caller/Listener (10:06)

Bye. Bye.

Host (Bert) (10:07)

Good morning, Jennifer. You're on the Burt Show.

Caller/Listener (10:09)

Hi. Hey.

Carrie (10:10)

Every morning when I get up, I have to tell myself how hot I am just to make me feel good.

Caller/Listener (10:14)

No way.

Host (Bert) (10:14)

So you look at yourself in the mirror and you go, I am hot today.

Carrie (10:18)

No, I talk to myself like I'm talking to someone else. And I go, oh, my God, you are so hot.

Host (Bert) (10:26)

Thank you. One more here. Good morning, Jim. You're on the Burt Show.

Carrie (10:31)

Hey, I'm not feeling so weird now, but who those last calls.

Co-host (10:35)

Anyway, I have two boys, and when they're, like, gone with their mom, I'll go in their room and I'll play with their toys, like their toys that I had when I was a kid.

Host (Bert) (10:44)

Or if they get in their bed.

Co-host (10:46)

With their stuffed animals, because I used to have a lot of stuffed animals.

Carrie (10:48)

When I was a kid.

Co-host (10:50)

And I've been caught. Are you been caught?

Carrie (10:53)

By who?

Co-host (10:54)

By who?

Host (Bert) (10:55)

By the kids. Oh, that's funny.

Carrie (10:57)

Papa.

Host (Bert) (10:58)

What are you doing?

Carrie (10:59)

I just fell asleep.

Co-host (11:01)

That could almost be a felony.

Host (Bert) (11:04)

Yeah, I think half of those kids toys aren't for kids. Because I find myself, when Hayden's not around, playing with some of his Blue's Clues toys.

Co-host (11:10)

Also, I find myself wishing for a boy so I could play with Legos. Cause I love Legos. You know, you can buy Legos and play with them yourself. No, it's okay.

Host (Bert) (11:20)

Good morning, Lisa. You're on the Burt Show. Hi.

Carrie (11:22)

Hey. I thank the Academy for everything that I do. Like, if I was gonna get an award or if I'm up hitting food, I'd like to thank the Academy for, you know, like, the stars do.

Co-host (11:34)

That goes with my going up a staircase. It doesn't matter what stairs. If you ever see me go up a staircase. No, in my mind, I'm thinking I'm.

Co-host (11:40)

About to get Best act Funny. If you're ever behind stairs and Melissa, because now you're not gonna be. That's all you're gonna be able to say.

Co-host (11:46)

And you're, like, taking those stairs real gracefully so you don't trip and fall in front of everybody in the Academy. And the last ones, because in the Oscars, when the actress is looking at the presenter, like, that's when they make eye contact. The last couple stairs. So you take those a lot slower because you're almost like, hey, I'm here.

Host (Bert) (12:02)

This is my moment. I'm gonna savor it.

Co-host (12:04)

Exactly.

Co-host (12:05)

I don't know if we have time to do this or maybe. Well, maybe we do. But what about odd things that other people do that drive you nuts? Like, and the woman who said she just, like, would thank the Academy. I have a friend who will not thank you. Like, if he's thanking you for something, he will always thank God and the Academy out loud. Drives me freaking nuts.

Host (Bert) (12:30)

That is rare.

Co-host (12:31)

So you give him some change for the vending machine or something. Hey, do you have a quarter? And you give it to him and, you know, he's like, hey, thanks, man. And also, I thank God in the Academy every time. Oh, my God.

Host (Bert) (12:42)

Yeah, it's annoying. The Burt show.

Mrs. Claus's Sister (12:47)

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree, Zoe.

Drew Ski (12:50)

This thing weighs a ton.

Carrie (12:51)

Drew, Ski. Lift with your legs, man. Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

Drew Ski (12:55)

He's talking to you, Bridges.

Carrie (12:56)

I'm not.

Mrs. Claus's Sister (12:57)

Of course he did.

Carrie (12:58)

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here.

Host (Bert) (13:01)

He handles the nice and elf.

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Drew Ski (13:24)

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Caller/Listener (13:25)

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Host (Bert) (13:27)

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Host (Bert) (14:20)

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