Vault: She might have an affair for Christmas

Summary

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The Bert Show – “Vault: She Might Have an Affair for Christmas”

Release Date: May 29, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into two main listener-driven stories:

1. A candid and controversial call with “Mary,” who is contemplating having an affair over the holidays while her husband is overseas.
2. Another call featuring “Jennifer,” who shares her long-standing conflict with her “monster-in-law” as she braces for a tense week-long family visit.

The tone is humorous, irreverent, and empathetic as the hosts and callers discuss the complexities of marriage, loneliness, infidelity, and family drama.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mary’s Dilemma: Considering an Affair for Christmas

[01:31 – 05:53]

• Caller “Mary” joins on the voice disguiser to preserve her anonymity.

  • “I am going...out of town for the holidays and for New Year’s and...I might have an affair.” – Mary [01:50]

• Her husband is working overseas as a contractor (not military).

  • “He’s not in the military...He's a contractor.” – Mary [02:26–02:31]

• Loneliness is a major driver:

  • She’s been alone in Georgia with three kids since May.
  • Reconnected with an old neighbor (now a Facebook friend) who confessed he’s had a long-time crush on her.
  • “I have been a little lonely here in good old Georgia, and a friend of mine...started talking to me on Facebook....He told me that he had a crush on me for many years....now I’m going to his sister’s wedding on the 27th, and we might hook up.” – Mary [02:32–03:07]

• Physical vs. Emotional Motives:

  • The affair is intended to be purely physical, not emotional.
  • “I think I just need to get them...I don’t have time for emotional. I don’t take care of three kids. I don’t have time for that. I’m just gonna do what I gotta do and be like...okay, bye. Thanks.” – Mary [03:26–05:30]

• Hosts question her about feelings and fidelity:

  • Bert: “Is this, like, emotional infidelity or is this...you just feeling you gotta get some needs met?” [03:20]
  • Mary confidently describes herself as not being weighed down by guilt or sentimentality.
  • Mary reveals the connection escalated over Thanksgiving, where they only kissed—Christmas might be the next step.
    • “When I was there in Thanksgiving, we didn’t do anything. We just kissed.” – Mary [04:20]
  • Hosts reference “the seven-year itch” as she’s on her seventh year of marriage.
    • “I think it’s called a seven year—” – Host [04:46]

• Mary says she knows her husband isn’t cheating, and assumes he’s just as sure about her.

  • “No, I know he isn’t.” – Mary [04:57]
  • Host: “And he knows you’re not?”
  • Mary: “Yeah.” [05:00–05:02]

• Hosts question whether she’ll actually escape guilt after the affair.

  • Bert: “I’m wondering...if you still feel the same way or you’re having tremendous feelings of guilt.” [05:37]
  • Mary: “Yeah, we’ll see.” [05:50]

• Post-call discussion among hosts:

  • They comment on her giddiness, lack of remorse, and how infidelity norms have changed.
    • “She’s giddy...She’s...I don’t know, what’s it called? You know, the new love butterfly feeling?” – Host [05:58]
    • “We’re living in different times and unless you have 14 affairs, who cares?” – Host [06:13]

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2. Listener Story: “Monster-in-Law” Holiday Horror

[06:17 – 09:53]

• Jennifer calls in about her hostile relationship with her mother-in-law, who’s staying for a week.

  • “I have a monster in law that’s going to be staying with me for a week.” – Jennifer [06:26]

• History of conflict:

  • Mother-in-law (“Nicole”) moved to Florida, had kids with long age gaps.
  • The trouble started when Jennifer’s husband chose her over moving with his mother.
    • “When that happened and he chose me over her...it was on.” – Jennifer [06:38]

• Notable “setup” story at a funeral:

  • Jennifer was led to believe pink attire was appropriate, only to be the only one not wearing black after mother-in-law changed clothes.
    • “She made me go out and buy a new outfit, which was pink, and I’m a blonde...So I show up to the funeral in pink, and everyone else is wearing black.” – Jennifer [07:21]
    • “She set you up...She hates you.” – Hosts [08:05, 08:07]

• Escalating events:

  • Public arguments; mother-in-law confronts Jennifer in front of family.
    • “It wasn’t like...a tragedy like fist fight. Like she was...I was trying to leave and she got up in my face and started, like, screaming at me.” – Jennifer [09:15]
  • Husband eventually “steps in” and supports Jennifer.

• Dread for the upcoming visit:

  • “She’s staying in your house for seven days...coming in the 23rd, leaving the 30th.” – Jennifer [08:47]
  • “If I’m the husband’s son, I’m carrying my phone around and I’ve got nine and one already dialed.” – Host [09:56]
  • Comic relief from the hosts, joking about possible family disasters.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Mary on Rationalizing an Affair

• “I’m just gonna do what I gotta do and be like...okay, bye. Thanks.”
  (Mary, 05:30)

On the “Seven Year Itch”

• “I think it’s called a seven year—”
  (Host, 04:46)

Hosts on Modern Infidelity

• “We’re living in different times and unless you have 14 affairs, who cares?”
  (Host, 06:13)

Jennifer’s Funeral Dress Sabotage

• “So I show up to the funeral in pink, and everyone else is wearing black.”
  *(Jennifer, 07:21)
• “She set you up. She hates you.”
  (Hosts, 08:05, 08:07)

Anticipating the In-law Battle

• “Seven days. She’s gonna be changing his diapers again.”
  *(Host, 09:53)
• “If I’m the husband’s son, I’m carrying my phone around and I’ve got nine and one already dialed.”
  (Host, 09:56)

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Key Timestamps

• Affair Discussion (Mary): 01:31 – 05:53
• Affair Post-Call Host Reactions: 05:55 – 06:17
• Monster-in-Law Drama (Jennifer): 06:17 – 09:53

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Summary

This episode blends raw honesty with trademark Bert Show humor. Mary’s call about seeking intimacy outside her marriage, delivered with surprising nonchalance, sparks significant debate among the hosts about the modern state of marriage, fidelity, and loneliness. Jennifer’s story, while rooted in familial strife, brings levity and commiseration, as the group unpacks the perils of toxic in-law dynamics during the holidays. The episode showcases the show’s ability to balance laughter and authentic listener engagement, making morning drama both relatable and entertaining.

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Transcript

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[C]

The Bird Show Hey Mary.

[D]

Good morning.

[C]

You are on the voice disguiser. Hi.

[E]

Hi.

[C]

Hi.

[E]

How are you guys?

[C]

Good.

[F]

What is her name? Is this Rachel?

[C]

This is Mary.

[G]

You could tell Mary.

[C]

All right.

[D]

You can tell she's a hooker.

[G]

Oops.

[D]

Don't say that.

[C]

What's going on, Mary?

[E]

Well, I am going to out of town for the holidays and for New Year's and. And I might have an affair.

[C]

You might have an affair for Christmas. And who's the lucky guy?

[D]

Baby, it's cold outside.

[H]

Yeah, that's a good present for his wife.

[E]

Yeah, well, the thing is that I know my husband is not here. He's overseas.

[C]

Oh, no.

[H]

Oh my God. Oh. So this is a present for he's not.

[E]

He's not in the military. He's over there working. Because this is a work situation. He's not here.

[C]

Okay, so it's not military based at all.

[E]

He's on a military base, but he's not in a military base, which makes it fine.

[D]

He's a contractor.

[E]

Yes, he's a contractor.

[D]

And how long has he been gone?

[E]

Yeah, I've been a little lonely here in good old Georgia, and a friend of mine who used to be my neighbor for many years started talking to me on Facebook. Good old Facebook. And he told me that he had a crush on me for many years. And I, you know, told him, why didn't he tell me this before? But Nina didn't. But now I'm going to his sister's wedding on the 27th, and we might hook up.

[D]

Isn't Facebook awesome?

[C]

How. How long has your husband been gone?

[G]

He.

[E]

She has been gone since May.

[C]

May.

[E]

And I'm here alone with three kids.

[C]

And is this, like, emotional infidelity or is this, like, you just feeling you got to get some needs met?

[E]

Just. I think I just need to get them.

[C]

So it's just purely physical?

[E]

Physical. I'm not, like, you know, I'm not the mushy, gushy type. I know my husband, you know, ironically loves me, but I think we should get some. Just a quick little.

[F]

You can ask Santa to go to Pure Romance or ask Santa to stop by what's that store.

[E]

Before. And then I got pregnant with twins, so I have a whole bunch of toys that I can use and whatnot. But, you know, I don't know. It's just. I haven't seen, you know, haven't had any inks in a while.

[D]

Just need a little stocking stuffer.

[C]

I'm assuming this isn't the first time you've done this, because you sound so, like, giddy, almost giddy about it. Like, I would think if you've been married that long, you'd have, like, you'd be tore up about it.

[E]

Yeah, well, okay. I was out of town for Thanksgiving, and we kind of, like, kissed. When I was there in Thanksgiving, we didn't do anything. We just kissed.

[C]

All right, so this started at Thanksgiving, and now you're excited by taking it a little bit further at Christmas.

[E]

Exactly.

[C]

I mean, and you've been married to this dude for how long? Seven years.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Isn't there an itch named that?

[C]

I think it's called a seven year.

[G]

Weird.

[E]

I mean, seven years, actually. Next month.

[F]

So how would you feel if your husband did the same thing, do you think that he probably is?

[E]

No, I know he isn't.

[G]

Why?

[C]

And he knows you're not.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's very sure you're not.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

That's gonna screw the brain a while.

[E]

I'm a flirtatious person by nature, so, I mean, it doesn't mean anything, but I just. I don't know why you said it, but yeah.

[C]

So you're just gonna be able to turn off your emotions of the whole thing. Because I think guys get pegged with this stereotype that it's just sex for guys. Whereas with women it's way more emotional for you. You don't think you're gonna have any problem with this at all? It's physical, you'll get it done. Husband walks through the door, you'll kiss him and it'll all be over.

[E]

Pretty much. Because I don't have time for emotional. I don't take care of three kids. I don't have time for that. I'm just gonna do what I gotta do and be like. Okay, bye. Thanks.

[C]

I'm wondering. I'm only intrigued to talk to you when we get back to see if that's accurate. Like after it's done, if you still feel the same way or you're having tremendous feelings of guilt.

[E]

Yeah, we'll see.

[C]

Alright, let me put you on hold. Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

You think that was just nervous laughter or she just generally excited?

[D]

She's giddy, she's got. She's. I don't know, what's it called? You know, the new love butterfly. Feeling?

[C]

Anticipating.

[D]

Yeah.

[G]

What?

[H]

Well, it's just irritating. Like it's not new. Love giddiness. She's having an affair in her husband.

[C]

She just wants a little.

[D]

We're living in different times and unless you have 14 affairs, who cares?

[C]

Yeah, right. Tigers really set the bar much higher slash lower for everybody. Jennifer, good morning. You were on the on Q100. Why do we want to talk to you after the first of the year?

[G]

Well, I have a monster in law that's going to be staying with me for a week.

[H]

Say monster in law.

[C]

The monster in law for a week?

[G]

Yes. Jane Fonda doesn't have anything on Nicole.

[C]

It's really bad, huh?

[G]

It's really bad. And it always has been. My husband and I started dating. We dated for five years. We've been married for over a year now. And for the first six months she was really, you know, really nice to me. But she had him really young. And so she decided to move to Florida, because she got pregnant. And so my husband and his little brother are 19 years apart, and she moved to Florida to be with her boyfriend. And my husband or my then boyfriend decided not to go with her. And so when that happens and he chose me over her, I mean that it was on.

[C]

What are some of the things she's done to you over the years that prove to you that she just has it out for you?

[G]

Well, the very first time that I ever met his extended family, I drove. He had just gotten laid off, and so I drove him down to Tampa because his great aunt had died. It was her aunt. And so I drove him down there. I used my money, my gas, everything like that to go take him down there to be with his family. And, you know, of course, when you're going to a funeral, you think, even if it is in Tampa, you're thinking, to pack pink to pack a black. So I get there and she's like, oh, Aunt Ruby Lane wouldn't have wanted us to wear black to her funeral. She would want us to celebrate her life. And so she made me go out and buy a new outfit, which was pink, and I'm a blonde. So I show up to the funeral in pink, and everyone else is wearing black.

[C]

Oh, she set you up.

[F]

She set you up. She hates you.

[G]

She even had on a yellow outfit when I left the house, and she switched it, and then she changed.

[H]

Oh, you're kidding.

[F]

She changed into black?

[G]

Yes, she changed into black.

[C]

Did you ask her about it?

[G]

I didn't have to, because as soon as I showed up, his grandmother, I got out of the car, and she's like, what are you wearing? And I said, as soon as. I said, well, Nikki. As soon as I said her name, it was her mother, and her mouth locked.

[C]

Evil. Wow.

[G]

When she got there, her mother took care of her. I didn't have to say anything.

[C]

And she's staying in your house for

[G]

seven days from Wednesday. She's coming in the 23rd, and she's leaving the 30th.

[F]

I don't know how you married that guy.

[H]

I was gonna ask that same question. Why did you marry him?

[F]

How did you do that?

[G]

Well, she did live in Tampa, and so we don't see, you know, and he takes my side. It took a little bit because at first he thought that I was being petty because she wouldn't show. I mean, that time he obviously saw. But the other things, she wouldn't, like, allow him to see, or it was kind of like maybe. Maybe he thought I was lying. I Don't know. But then once he started to see like, I think it was two, might have been three Christmases ago, we got in a fight in his grandmother's front yard, me and his mom. And it wasn't like, you know, a tragedy like fist fight. Like she was, I was trying to leave and she got up in my face and started like screaming at me. And that was the point that he, he stepped in and he was like, listen, I'm going to marry her and you're not going to be able to treat her like this.

[D]

So will you call us from jail?

[C]

Yeah. It's gonna get ugly.

[H]

Killer.

[C]

Yeah. Jennifer, let me put you on hold and we will definitely talk to you when we get back, okay?

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Seven days. She's gonna be changing his diapers again.

[D]

If I'm the husband's son, I'm carrying my phone around and I've got nine and one already dialed.

[C]

Can't go seven days. That won't go seven days. Hey, the bird show.

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