Vault: She Set An Impossible Standard For Her Dream Man

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: "Vault: She Set An Impossible Standard For Her Dream Man"
Date: March 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features the Bert Show crew sharing their "superficial" New Year's resolutions for 2009. The centerpiece of the conversation is co-host Melissa’s ambitious (and intentionally lighthearted) goal: to date an NFL player – or, at the very least, someone tangentially related to professional football. The cast delves into the wild variables of luck, setting lofty standards, and the often humorous pursuit of dreams that don't necessarily improve your character, but which make for fun radio and good stories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting Superficial Goals for the New Year

[00:46–05:26]

• The hosts share their unconventional, mostly “superficial” resolutions rather than serious self-improvement targets.
  • Wendy wants to catch a marlin after 20 years of trying, inspired by The Old Man and the Sea.
    • “It's all I want is a marlin.” – Wendy [00:53]
  • Jen wants to play a solid round of golf for the first time as an adult:
    • “I want to play a decent 18 holes of golf.” – Jen [02:58]
  • Bert expresses interest in voice acting for a video game or animation, and is taking steps with a local studio.
    • “I think what a really cool thing would be is to do some kind of voiceover work in something...” – Bert [03:18]
  • Jeff hopes to compete on a game show and win a tangible prize.
    • He humorously considers even a “consolation set of patio furniture” a success.
    • “If you go and even come home with whatever... I think that all counts, so.” – Jeff [04:02]
  • Melissa, the star of the segment, aims to date an NFL player (or anyone “connected to a team somehow”) and sit in the family section at a game.
    • “My superficial goal was to date... an NFL player and... sit in the family section for the game next fall.” – Melissa [05:05]

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The Quest to Date an NFL Player

[05:26–08:31]

• The team teases out Melissa’s “dream goal”:
  • The bar, she jokes, is lowered further each week: even a cousin, brother, or anyone with any NFL ties now qualifies.
  • The real challenge: not just going on a date, but developing the relationship to where she's invited to the exclusive family section at a game.
• Melissa reads a MySpace message from “Matt,” a guy training for the NFL combine in Atlanta. She explains the combine process for uninitiated team members.
  • "I'm here training for the NFL combine." – Melissa, quoting her suitor Matt [06:19]
• They exchange messages, talk on the phone, and make plans to meet, prompting both delight and doubts from the crew about her chances of making it to the family section come football season.

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NFL Combine Explained (With Humor)

[06:22–07:16]

• Jeff colorfully compares the NFL combine to a livestock auction:
  • “It’s like back in the 4H meetings when they would bring the cows in… walk him around before people would start bidding on him at the auction.” – Jeff [06:34]
• The crew hashes out the difference between dating an NFL player and just sitting in the family section (long-term versus short-term success).
• The group wonders about the exclusivity of the combine, with Bert and Wendy confirming how it's a major opportunity for players with big futures.

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Notable Listeners and Real-Life Connections

[09:01–10:18]

• A listener, Kristen, calls to confirm the reality of NFL hopefuls training in Atlanta and the process they go through, including their training schedule and what happens after combine season.
  • “The players that are going to the draft are living in this area for the next 10 months for their training.” – Kristen [09:04]
• Jeff humorously points out that these future pro-athletes probably need to avoid distractions like whirlwind romances just before potential contracts:
  • “That’s what they need before they sign a seven figure contract is Wendy parading back and forth, waving, going, I just want to get to the family section.” – Jeff [09:52]

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Lowering the “Dream Man” Bar—And Having Fun With It

[10:21–11:00]

• The panel pokes fun at the flexible bar Melissa sets, as well as previous failed “manifestations” (e.g., ending up with random contestants or band members instead of big stars).
  • Jeff: “Before this it was date a celebrity and you ended up with David Cook’s brother.” [10:28]
  • Jen: “I think sometimes you shoot for the moon and you end up in the stars.” [10:38]
• Light-hearted advice is offered:
  • Melissa: “Sometimes you go for the quarterback. The other time you just get the punter.” [10:49]
  • Jeff: “Sometimes you're the salmon, sometimes you're the bear. Get it?” [10:56]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Wendy: “It's all I want is a marlin.” [00:53]
• Melissa: “My superficial goal was to date an NFL player and… sit in the family section for the game next fall.” [05:05]
• Jeff (on the NFL Combine): “It's like back in the 4H meetings when they would bring the cows into the… parade center before people would start bidding…” [06:34]
• Kristen (caller): “The players that are going to the draft are living in this area for the next 10 months for their training.” [09:04]
• Jeff: “Sometimes you shoot for the moon and you end up in the stars.” [10:38]
• Melissa: “Sometimes you go for the quarterback. The other time you just get the punter.” [10:49]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:46 – Superficial New Year’s resolutions: everyone’s “unattainable” or oddball goals
• 05:15 – Melissa explains her NFL player dating goal
• 06:19 – Melissa shares the story of being contacted by a potential NFL draftee
• 09:01 – Listener Kristen calls in with real-world NFL training context
• 10:21 – The team debates manifestation, luck, and the fluidity of superficial dreams

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode is light, teasing, and good-natured—everybody laughs about their own and each other's goals and failed attempts. There’s some genuinely relatable insight about the wild mix of dreaming big, managing expectations, and not taking yourself too seriously in the search for happiness (or love, or marlins).

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For listeners:
If you love playful debates, wild ambitions, and friendly ribbing about the lengths we’ll go for silly but deeply satisfying “wins,” this Bert Show episode is a must. The crew’s chemistry and quick wit make even the most outlandish goals seem oddly attainable—and certainly worth a shot.

Transcript

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[Wendy]

Each one of us made superficial New Year's resolutions going into 2009.

[Bert]

That's right.

[Wendy]

Mine this year is. I just. I want to catch a marlin. I want to catch a marlin. I've been trying for years and years and years. I can't even tell you how many hours I've logged on, like, deep sea fishing, dead deals, how much money I have spent. Not even a bite. Not even a damn bite. It's all I want is a marlin.

[Jeff]

This year I tried to find the pictures of me at age 12.

[Wendy]

Yeah, Jeff was rubbing it in. He's caught like nine of them already.

[Jeff]

Well, it doesn't. It doesn't really count.

[Bert]

You're talking about competition in this room, dude. Back from when you were 12.

[Jeff]

It was one of those things where I. I didn't realize what I was. First dream, what I was trying to.

[Bert]

This is about birth. This is not about you.

[Jeff]

I was trying to say when I brought it up was it's very possible because it's just luck of the draw because, like, the very first time I was ever out on a boat like that, you know, first time I was ever on a boat at 12 years

[Wendy]

old, it came so naturally.

[Bert]

I wasn't even a teenager yet.

[Jeff]

It was like 11 or 12. Feel bad going on with the story, but I will. And so they set the whole thing up for you. Cause I'm a kid, I don't know. And they're just like, okay, this one's yours. And then I was sitting there, and then all the other people were over on the other side of the boat, like, having beers. And all of a sudden the line started to go.

[Bert]

So is it because I'm not familiar with deep.

[Jeff]

The rod's in a stand.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Wendy]

You don't do anything except hold it when they catch it for you.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Wendy]

And then you are the one that brings it in.

[Bert]

Oh, hold on, Bert. Jeff's done it.

[Jeff]

Well, you don't even get. When you're 12, you don't burn. You don't even really get to hold it.

[Wendy]

I may have to change my superficial

[Jeff]

goal, but my point was it's very possible because I just got lucky.

[Bert]

So you were trying to encourage Bert.

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Telling him about when I caught one when I was 12.

[Wendy]

Very encouraging.

[Bert]

And you did it more than once, or just that time?

[Jeff]

No, just once. I think maybe I got one when

[Bert]

I was 14, when I was 5.

[Jeff]

You know what? I got one actually in Lake Hartwell last summer.

[Wendy]

So I think I read the Old man in the Sea when I was like 20 years old, and it was at that point where I'm like, I've got to catch a marlin. And it's been 20 years and it still hasn't happened. So that was mine for this year. What was yours, Jen?

[Jen]

I want to play a decent 18 holes of golf.

[Wendy]

Yeah. I mean, and that takes a lot. I mean, you just can't go out there and do it. So it's going to take some effort.

[Jen]

Yeah. And I played as a kid, so I'm hoping it'll be like riding a bike, but I have a feeling it'll be a little more challenging than that.

[Wendy]

You know, Jeff is a scratch golfer.

[Jeff]

Oh, yeah. You know, I hit a hole in one when I was nine,

[Melissa]

like, of the draw, Jen.

[Bert]

Just like of the draw. And Melissa being a, you know, being the geek on the show and loving gaming and, you know, anime and all that stuff, I thought, you know what I mean, Radio. I think what a really cool thing would be is to do some kind of voiceover work in something, whether it be the video game, whether it be some kind of animation, and so close. Close to it. There is a studio in Alpharetta called High Res Studios that has a new multiplayer game that they're releasing called Global Agenda. And they made the offer in December after hearing that on the show, for me to come in. So in February, first week in February, I'm going in and talking to them and doing all that.

[Wendy]

So you're going to be in a video game.

[Bert]

All right.

[Wendy]

And Jeff, what was yours?

[Jeff]

To get on a game show and win a prize, which you could say you've already done, done that.

[Wendy]

I want $600 or something like that.

[Jeff]

You brought home a check or a, you know, showcase, a Winnebago and a moped or whatever from a game show. And I would like to go to a game show and win something, because I think going and coming home with nothing is like, what's the point in that? But if you go and even come home with whatever, I think you get a consolation prize set of patio furniture or a copy of the home game. I think that all counts, so.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah,

[Wendy]

That's. If you suck. That means if you were really, really bad, then you walk home with the.

[Jeff]

But that's okay because you'd bring. You'd bring it home, and then, like, you put it on a shelf in your house, and you're like, oh, yeah, that's from the time I was on whatever. You know, dealer. No dealer. Whatever.

[Radio Host]

Sure.

[Wendy]

And Wendy appears to be knocking on the door, actually, of her 2009 superficial New Year's resolution.

[Bert]

Okay, that's a big one.

[Melissa]

I believe the stars are starting to align for mine. Mine. My superficial goal was to date. Or is to date an NFL player and be. I know it sounds cheesy, but whatever.

[Bert]

You're single and you're. I mean, why not?

[Wendy]

Why not?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Melissa]

So it was to date an NFL player or we actually just put. Put it to athlete. Athletes, brothers, cousin, whatever I could get

[Bert]

at this point, connected to a team somehow.

[Wendy]

We're lowering the bar each week really

[Melissa]

low and to sit in the family section for the game next fall. So whenever NFL start football starts back up, I would be in their section, ready to go cheering on my man who's playing football.

[Wendy]

All right, so let me clarify what the goal is here. Is the goal just to date a football player, or is it to date a football player long enough to sit in the family section? Because this could be two totally different things here.

[Melissa]

Yeah, long enough to sit in the family section.

[Wendy]

You're too far out from the season. You need to put this off for, like, seven months. But you're gonna have to date this guy for an entire year in order to get in the family section.

[Bert]

Let's not knock her down before.

[Wendy]

See what I'm saying?

[Bert]

I see what you're saying, but I want to hear what's going on.

[Jeff]

Okay, so I dated an NFL player, by the way.

[Melissa]

I was 14.

[Bert]

I wore his junior high school jersey.

[Jeff]

It's awesome.

[Melissa]

Okay, so yesterday afternoon, I'm browsing through my MySpace, just checking messages, blah, blah, blah. Well, I get this message from this guy, his name is Matt, or whatever, and I open it up, and he was like, hey, I know this is gonna sound really random, but I'm new in town. I don't know a single person. I'm here training for the NFL combine.

[Wendy]

Booyah.

[Bert]

What is that?

[Melissa]

The NFL combine is where they sort of. They bring all the players together who've been training the college players who have graduated, ready to go into the draft. They bring them all together to scout for the NFL teams. So the combine's in, like, two months.

[Jeff]

It's like, to put it in your terms, Melissa. It's like back in the 4H meetings when they would bring the cows into the. And walk him around once before people would start bidding on him at the cow and pig auction.

[Wendy]

Check his gums.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Wendy]

Make sure his belly looks good.

[Bert]

I think Jeff's being mean to me, but I certainly have been to an auction before, and I've been to the parade center many times in Columbia.

[Wendy]

So this guy, he's not an NFL player yet, but he's a college player that might be. So he has to go for this. Basically a tryout for all the teams where they see how fast you can run and how high you can jump. And if your scores are high, then. Then you'll get drafted into the NFL.

[Melissa]

Got you and your agents pulling for you. So he has an agent, all this stuff.

[Jen]

So you have to be good enough to get into the combine.

[Melissa]

Absolutely.

[Bert]

You're a prospect. You get there.

[Wendy]

I'm not sure if everybody's invited or there's just a certain amount of invitations. I'm not really sure how that works.

[Bert]

To me, that's destiny. If he ran. If a dude that's about to be potentially in the NFL next season randomly emails. Wendy. Oh, I'm random. I'm in town and I don't know anybody.

[Melissa]

I just. Very random. He's like, I was just browsing on here, and just, like, the first person I saw, I decided to message you, so.

[Wendy]

And he knew he was coming. He probably searched Atlanta. He's in Atlanta now?

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Wendy]

Okay. Does he live here?

[Melissa]

No, no, no, no. He has. He's got just a couple of family members here, but he's not from here at all and said he didn't know anybody. He was trying to meet people so he could go out. Just got here on Saturday, so I sent him a message back, and I was like, hey, how's it going? Blah, blah, blah, really fast. I was like, ooh, destiny. This is fun. So we exchanged a couple emails back and forth, and then eventually he just dropped his number in there, and he was like, seriously, I just need to go out, meet some people, meet some friends. I'm gonna be here for a while. So we exchanged a couple text messages. Exchange phone conversation last night, and we will be hanging out tonight.

[Wendy]

Booyah.

[Melissa]

Okay, so this could be potential me.

[Bert]

But now going back to what Bert said, it is January, so that is a long, long way. Like what, August? September.

[Melissa]

But not even. Yeah, but not even that. He's like an NFL dude. We actually had really good conversation last night.

[Wendy]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Melissa]

No, I'm serious.

[Wendy]

Your bar is going to come down lower because your goal is to. To date an NFL player. So even if he doesn't meet the right criteria, I say you go for it.

[Bert]

Let's reiterate. Is this a superficial goal?

[Jen]

It is.

[Bert]

So I know we're being contradictory to relationships and loving the person. So superficial goal is to go out with superficial.

[Jen]

And Sean would call you desperate because he met him online.

[Wendy]

Yeah, totally. But it wasn't an online dating site.

[Melissa]

It wasn't a dating site.

[Wendy]

Although some would call Facebook in MySpace that.

[Radio Host]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Good morning, Kristen. You're on Q100.

[Kristen]

Hey, good morning, Burcho.

[Bert]

Good morning.

[Kristen]

I was just telling her that I work for a company that ironically, the players that are going to the draft are living in this area for the next 10 months for their training. I just met a couple of them yesterday. I don't know if I can disclose what teams they're going for or whatnot, but I know that where they're staying and where they're training. And their training has begun. They train twice a day at like 8am and 2pm and then they are gone. As of March 1, they all go back home and then they wait for the phone call. But the ones that are here already know they're going to the draft and they're picked for the first. First round. They're favored to go in the first round draft.

[Wendy]

Wow. So, okay, cool. So this is the real deal, right?

[Jeff]

So that's what they need is a distraction. That's what they need before they sign a seven figure contract is Wendy parading back and forth, waving, going, I just want to get to the family section.

[Wendy]

Need a personal life a little bit. Get out, see the town a little bit.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Why is the, the NFL combine held here?

[Melissa]

Well, it's not. It's not held here. The training facility is here though.

[Jen]

Training is here.

[Melissa]

Okay. One of the top notch training facilities is just out of Atlanta.

[Jeff]

So why don't you get an internship there? You could call, give massages or something.

[Wendy]

Look how she used the secret, though. She said she was going to date an NFL player, then out of nowhere, dude, it's going to be drafted into the NFL.

[Jeff]

Well, the problem is when I don't think you have the confidence to pull off the secret yet, because before this it was date a celebrity and you ended up with David Cook's brother.

[Jen]

So I think sometimes you shoot for the moon and you end up in the stars.

[Wendy]

Does the magician get it right the very first time? No. They, they, they probably fall before they learn how to do the magic trick correct.

[Melissa]

Sometimes you go for now.

[Radio Host]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Sometimes you go for the quarterback. The other time you just get the punter.

[Jeff]

So, I mean.

[Melissa]

Or the long snapper. I mean, I don't really care at this point.

[Radio Host]

I'm just kidding.

[Jeff]

Sometimes you're the salmon, sometimes you're the bear. Get it?

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The sun shining, birds are singing, and all feels right in the world.

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