Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: "Vault: She Set An Impossible Standard For Her Dream Man"
Date: March 17, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features the Bert Show crew sharing their "superficial" New Year's resolutions for 2009. The centerpiece of the conversation is co-host Melissa’s ambitious (and intentionally lighthearted) goal: to date an NFL player – or, at the very least, someone tangentially related to professional football. The cast delves into the wild variables of luck, setting lofty standards, and the often humorous pursuit of dreams that don't necessarily improve your character, but which make for fun radio and good stories.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting Superficial Goals for the New Year

[00:46–05:26]

• The hosts share their unconventional, mostly “superficial” resolutions rather than serious self-improvement targets.
  • Wendy wants to catch a marlin after 20 years of trying, inspired by The Old Man and the Sea.
    • “It's all I want is a marlin.” – Wendy [00:53]
  • Jen wants to play a solid round of golf for the first time as an adult:
    • “I want to play a decent 18 holes of golf.” – Jen [02:58]
  • Bert expresses interest in voice acting for a video game or animation, and is taking steps with a local studio.
    • “I think what a really cool thing would be is to do some kind of voiceover work in something...” – Bert [03:18]
  • Jeff hopes to compete on a game show and win a tangible prize.
    • He humorously considers even a “consolation set of patio furniture” a success.
    • “If you go and even come home with whatever... I think that all counts, so.” – Jeff [04:02]
  • Melissa, the star of the segment, aims to date an NFL player (or anyone “connected to a team somehow”) and sit in the family section at a game.
    • “My superficial goal was to date... an NFL player and... sit in the family section for the game next fall.” – Melissa [05:05]

The Quest to Date an NFL Player

[05:26–08:31]

• The team teases out Melissa’s “dream goal”:
  • The bar, she jokes, is lowered further each week: even a cousin, brother, or anyone with any NFL ties now qualifies.
  • The real challenge: not just going on a date, but developing the relationship to where she's invited to the exclusive family section at a game.
• Melissa reads a MySpace message from “Matt,” a guy training for the NFL combine in Atlanta. She explains the combine process for uninitiated team members.
  • "I'm here training for the NFL combine." – Melissa, quoting her suitor Matt [06:19]
• They exchange messages, talk on the phone, and make plans to meet, prompting both delight and doubts from the crew about her chances of making it to the family section come football season.

NFL Combine Explained (With Humor)

[06:22–07:16]

• Jeff colorfully compares the NFL combine to a livestock auction:
  • “It’s like back in the 4H meetings when they would bring the cows in… walk him around before people would start bidding on him at the auction.” – Jeff [06:34]
• The crew hashes out the difference between dating an NFL player and just sitting in the family section (long-term versus short-term success).
• The group wonders about the exclusivity of the combine, with Bert and Wendy confirming how it's a major opportunity for players with big futures.

Notable Listeners and Real-Life Connections

[09:01–10:18]

• A listener, Kristen, calls to confirm the reality of NFL hopefuls training in Atlanta and the process they go through, including their training schedule and what happens after combine season.
  • “The players that are going to the draft are living in this area for the next 10 months for their training.” – Kristen [09:04]
• Jeff humorously points out that these future pro-athletes probably need to avoid distractions like whirlwind romances just before potential contracts:
  • “That’s what they need before they sign a seven figure contract is Wendy parading back and forth, waving, going, I just want to get to the family section.” – Jeff [09:52]

Lowering the “Dream Man” Bar—And Having Fun With It

[10:21–11:00]

• The panel pokes fun at the flexible bar Melissa sets, as well as previous failed “manifestations” (e.g., ending up with random contestants or band members instead of big stars).
  • Jeff: “Before this it was date a celebrity and you ended up with David Cook’s brother.” [10:28]
  • Jen: “I think sometimes you shoot for the moon and you end up in the stars.” [10:38]
• Light-hearted advice is offered:
  • Melissa: “Sometimes you go for the quarterback. The other time you just get the punter.” [10:49]
  • Jeff: “Sometimes you're the salmon, sometimes you're the bear. Get it?” [10:56]

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Wendy: “It's all I want is a marlin.” [00:53]
• Melissa: “My superficial goal was to date an NFL player and… sit in the family section for the game next fall.” [05:05]
• Jeff (on the NFL Combine): “It's like back in the 4H meetings when they would bring the cows into the… parade center before people would start bidding…” [06:34]
• Kristen (caller): “The players that are going to the draft are living in this area for the next 10 months for their training.” [09:04]
• Jeff: “Sometimes you shoot for the moon and you end up in the stars.” [10:38]
• Melissa: “Sometimes you go for the quarterback. The other time you just get the punter.” [10:49]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:46 – Superficial New Year’s resolutions: everyone’s “unattainable” or oddball goals
• 05:15 – Melissa explains her NFL player dating goal
• 06:19 – Melissa shares the story of being contacted by a potential NFL draftee
• 09:01 – Listener Kristen calls in with real-world NFL training context
• 10:21 – The team debates manifestation, luck, and the fluidity of superficial dreams

Tone & Takeaways

The episode is light, teasing, and good-natured—everybody laughs about their own and each other's goals and failed attempts. There’s some genuinely relatable insight about the wild mix of dreaming big, managing expectations, and not taking yourself too seriously in the search for happiness (or love, or marlins).

For listeners:
If you love playful debates, wild ambitions, and friendly ribbing about the lengths we’ll go for silly but deeply satisfying “wins,” this Bert Show episode is a must. The crew’s chemistry and quick wit make even the most outlandish goals seem oddly attainable—and certainly worth a shot.