Vault: She sneezes 8 to 9 times a minute for two weeks straight.

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: She Sneezes 8 to 9 Times a Minute for Two Weeks Straight

Air Date: May 13, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others

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Overview

This episode centers around the unusual and striking medical case of Lauren Johnson, a 12-year-old girl who started sneezing repeatedly—about 8 to 9 times a minute—for two weeks straight. The hosts react to her story, play clips from news and her Today Show interview, provide comedic commentary, and discuss possible medical explanations and their own reactions to constant sneezing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background: Lauren Johnson’s Unstoppable Sneezing

Timestamps: [01:30] – [03:00]

• The hosts introduce the story of Lauren, a sixth grader whose sudden onset of sneezing episodes began two weeks prior and hasn’t ceased.
• News Narrator: “On a regular day, the sixth grader can sneeze more than 12,000 times.” [02:16]
• Initial reactions range from fascination, sympathy, and attempts to understand the medical reasoning behind her condition.
• Lauren Johnson: “I can’t stop sneezing. It goes off about eight to nine times a minute.” [02:09]

2. Interview Clips: Lauren’s Experience and Emotional Toll

Timestamps: [02:25] – [03:06], [04:04] – [04:57]

• Lauren describes adapting to her condition, noting she sometimes sneezes without even realizing it, but all she wants is to be “a normal 12 year old again.” [03:00]
• Being unable to attend school due to the disruptions and difficulty focusing.
• Lauren Johnson: “It’s been two weeks now and this hasn’t stopped.” [02:46]
• She asserts there hasn’t been any emotional trigger or significant event in her life that might explain her condition.
• Lauren Johnson: “School has been going great. Everything’s been doing fine. I can’t think of anything.” [04:51]

3. Rare Nature & Statistics

Timestamps: [03:13] – [03:35], [04:04] – [04:26]

• The show quotes doctors saying Lauren’s condition is extremely rare—likened to “winning the lottery three times in the same year.” [03:13]
• The hosts humorously question where these kinds of statistics come from.
• Radio Host 1: “Who comes up with that statistic?” [03:23]

4. The Hosts’ Personal Reactions

Timestamps: [01:47], [03:24] – [03:36], [05:04] – [05:16]

• Hosts discuss their own sneezing habits and childhood beliefs about sneezing (e.g., urban myths about sneezing causing spinal damage).
• Laughter and sympathy blend as they grapple with the absurdity and tragedy of her situation.
• Radio Host 1: “I get weirded out by silent sneezers. And what if you felt like you had to say God bless you every time? That’s all you would do all day.” [03:36]
• The comparison to chronic hiccups and the challenge of not laughing in class.

5. Medical Theories & Skepticism

Timestamps: [05:19] – [05:57]

• A call-in guest expresses skepticism about whether Lauren’s sneezes are real, suggesting it might be a nervous tic, especially noting she sneezes out of her mouth and doesn’t close her eyes.
• Guest Expert: “If you watch the Today Show clip yesterday, you can see that she does not sneeze out of her nose. She sneezes out of her mouth and she doesn’t close her eyes. So it’s not a real sneeze... I think it’s a nervous tic.” [05:22]
• The hosts debate the biology of sneezing—whether it’s possible to sneeze with eyes open, and the supposed risks of holding in a sneeze.

6. Living with Chronic Sneezing

Timestamps: [04:26], [06:23] – [06:36]

• Lauren’s misery and the toll on her daily life are reiterated.
• Radio Host 4: "Would you say it's been pretty miserable?" [06:30]
• The hosts joke about the absurdity of sneezing through daily tasks, like a newscast, but always return to how difficult it must be for Lauren.
• The episode closes with the team reflecting, alternating sympathy, humor, and incredulity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Lauren Johnson: “I can’t stop sneezing. It goes off about eight to nine times a minute.” [02:09]
• Narrator: “She has a better chance of winning the lottery three times in the same year than having this mysterious chronic sneeze.” [03:13]
• Radio Host 1: “Who comes up with that statistic?” [03:23]
• Guest Expert: “She sneezes out of her mouth and she doesn’t close her eyes. So it’s not a real sneeze... I think it’s a nervous tic.” [05:22]
• Radio Host 1: “I get weirded out by silent sneezers. And what if you felt like you had to say ‘God bless you’ every time? That’s all you would do all day.” [03:36]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:30]: Show introduction to Lauren’s case and news clips.
• [02:09]: Lauren on her sneezing frequency.
• [02:46]: Lauren talks about the condition’s persistence.
• [03:13]: The statistic about the rarity of her case.
• [04:04]: Conversation about the emotional toll and possible psychological cause.
• [05:22]: Guest expresses skepticism and proposes the “nervous tic” hypothesis.
• [06:05]: Hosts discuss ongoing efforts to help Lauren.

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Tone and Style

• The hosts maintain their trademark mix of authenticity, empathy, and humor, oscillating between genuine concern for Lauren and lighthearted banter about sneezing myths and personal experiences.
• Lauren, in her news interviews, is soft-spoken, earnest, and hoping for an end to her ordeal.
• The tone overall is sympathetic yet playful, typical of “The Bert Show” approach to unusual news stories.

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This episode offers a compelling mix of empathy, curiosity, and levity—a signature Bert Show take on an otherwise distressing medical mystery, providing listeners with both heartfelt moments and comedic relief as they learn about an extraordinary case.

Transcript

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[Radio Host 3]

It's the vert show. So check this out. This is the news story. First I'll play the news clip and then I'll play about a minute of her interview on the Today show yesterday. But Lauren Johnson, about two weeks ago I think just started sneezing. Poor little thing. I mean you're gonna hear it right through both of these pieces.

[Radio Host 1]

It freaks me out when people like I'm a one time sneezer. I mean the average person, it kind of freaks me out when you're that multiple when you do two or three in a row. So you know, that kind of is fascinating to me. But if you did it constantly for

[Radio Host 3]

two weeks, it's exhausting.

[Radio Host 1]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

At first glance, Lauren Johnson is your typical 12 year old. But sit with Lauren for more than two seconds and you quickly learn she's unique.

[Lauren Johnson]

I can't stop sneezing. It's about it goes off about eight to nine times a minute.

[Narrator]

On a regular day, the sixth grader can sneeze more than 12,000 times.

[Radio Host 3]

You want to laugh if it's not

[Radio Host 1]

so sad a cold.

[Lauren Johnson]

It was different and I just kind of got along with it, thinking that it wouldn't last as long.

[Radio Host 3]

I know you try not to laugh, right? And we haven't edited this in any way, shape or form. Poor little thing can't stop.

[Lauren Johnson]

It's been two weeks now and this hasn't stopped.

[Narrator]

The most amazing thing. Lauren learned to adapt. She says sometimes she has no clue she's sneezing at all. But still, all she wants is to be a normal 12 year old again.

[Lauren Johnson]

Just for the sneezing to stop. I mean, I feel fine now, but it's just the sneezing.

[Radio Host 4]

Oh, little baby going on, not on.

[Narrator]

Doctors say what's happening to her is so rare. She has a better chance of winning the lottery three times in the same year than having this mysterious chronic sneeze.

[Radio Host 1]

Who comes up with that statistic?

[Radio Host 3]

I know, right?

[Radio Host 1]

Seriously, did somebody actually research that?

[Radio Host 3]

Probably 1 in 75 million, right?

[Radio Host 1]

It's not just winning the lottery. It's winning the lottery three times. Three times in one year. That poor thing.

[Radio Host 2]

That's a awful sneeze too. That's like.

[Radio Host 1]

It's not a little lemme sneeze. That's. I get weirded out by silent sneezers. And what if you felt like you had to say God bless you every time?

[Radio Host 3]

That's all you would do all day. Didn't somebody tell me a long time ago, like if you hold in your sneeze somehow, some way your spinal cord can get wrapped up or something like that. Like when I was like 6 years old or something.

[Radio Host 1]

Yeah, that's why. That's why.

[Radio Host 3]

So then she goes on the Today show to talk about it. Poor little same thing. And you gotta hold back laughing about it. Cause it's just over and over and over again.

[Radio Host 4]

Something like five sneezes a minute to maybe more than that. Maybe even 10, 20 sometimes. Yes, definitely. And so the average is, you know, you have an average for that, but then that kind of accumulates something like 10,000, 12,000 sneezes a day every week. This is miserable. Yeah, yeah. Would you say it's been pretty miserable?

[Lauren Johnson]

Yeah.

[Radio Host 4]

Yeah. You've not been able to go to school?

[Lauren Johnson]

No. It's a little too disruptive in the classroom and hard to focus.

[Radio Host 4]

Melissa more versus sneezing less?

[Radio Host 3]

No.

[Radio Host 4]

It sounds like there's some worry that maybe something might have happened to make you want to sneeze. Is there anything that you can think of that happened to you that made you emotional about something?

[Lauren Johnson]

It's nothing. School has been going great. Everything's been doing fine. I can't think of anything.

[Radio Host 4]

I can't think of anything.

[Radio Host 3]

Melissa and Wendy over here are laughing every time she's mean and cruel.

[Radio Host 2]

I feel bad, but it's one of

[Radio Host 1]

those sneezes that would get all over you. The hiccups. I mean, we've heard people with hiccups over and over again, but come on, I would be in the class getting tickled at her doing it all the time. I feel bad for her.

[Radio Host 4]

She can't eat.

[Radio Host 1]

I mean, it's all I can help her.

[Radio Host 3]

Patrick doesn't even believe it's real. I don't think. Hey, Patrick.

[Guest Expert]

Hey, good morning. Yeah, if you watch today show clip yesterday, you can see that she does not sneeze out of her nose. She sneezes out of her mouth and she doesn't close her eyes. So it's not a real sneeze. I don't believe. I think it's a nervous tic.

[Radio Host 3]

Oh, I see.

[Radio Host 1]

Because. Yeah, because you're. There's too much pressure on your eyes and that's why you automatically close your eyes when you sneeze. If you don't, your spine wraps up and you have a heart attack.

[Guest Expert]

Well, I mean, there was some, I don't know, study test or whatever. Don. That everyone tried to not close their eyes when they sneezed and they couldn't do it.

[Radio Host 3]

Yeah. Oh, really? So maybe it's just some kind of

[Radio Host 1]

nervous tic type thing.

[Radio Host 2]

The worst, when you're in your car and you have to sneeze.

[Radio Host 1]

Oh, yeah, because you're driving, you're on the highway and you're panicked. There's no way you cannot close your eyes.

[Radio Host 3]

Right. Well, that's been going on for two weeks for her right now. So they're still trying to figure out exactly how to. How to get her some help.

[Radio Host 4]

Something like five sneezes a minute to maybe more than that. Maybe even 10, 20 sometimes. Yes. And so the average is.

[Radio Host 3]

Carter, why are you laughing like that?

[Radio Host 4]

But then that kind of accumulates something like 10,000, 12,000 sneezes a day every week.

[Radio Host 1]

Poor thing.

[Radio Host 4]

Yeah. Would you say it's been pretty miserable?

[Radio Host 1]

You know, Melissa, when you do your 8:30 newscast, I want you to sneeze the whole way through.

[Radio Host 3]

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