Vault: She wants advice to make a romantic weekend

Summary

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The Bert Show: "Vault: She wants advice to make a romantic weekend"

Air Date: July 14, 2026
Cast: Jeff, Monica (Listener), Melissa, Steven, Jen, Josh, Kara (Caller), Additional Callers

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show team helps listener Monica plan an unforgettable romantic weekend for her husband, who works out of state and is coming home for a rare, kid-free escape. The show's lively panel dishes out creative and playful advice, leaning into humor and candid takes on intimacy, relaxation, and maximizing special couple time at home. Listeners also call in with tips, making it a collaborative brainstorm of sweet, spicy, and practical ideas to make Monica’s weekend a hit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Monica's Situation

[01:42] Monica:
Monica shares that after a tough year with husband working out of state, they finally have a weekend alone—kids are away for spring break with grandparents. She wants to make it "so special," suggesting maybe a masseuse but is looking for more ideas.

“It's been an exhausting year. He comes in on Friday and then he's out again on Sunday... this week the kids are on spring break... we're gonna have, you know, like a husband and wife weekend at home. And I want to make this weekend so special.” (Monica, 01:42)

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Initial Advice: Men Are Simple (According to the Show)

• Sex as the Opener:
  Multiple co-hosts joke that men’s needs are simple.

  • “All you need to have on is a bow when he gets home.” (Melissa, 02:18)
  • “Yeah, it all starts with the vajayjay.” (Jeff, 02:26)
  • But Steven adds nuance:

    “It’s a good opener and a good midway check in and a good closer. But I think you gotta fill it in.” (Steven, 02:52)

• Rest & Relaxation:
  Jeff and Jen suggest naps are important for guys, too.

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Building Out the Weekend: Tailored to Him

[03:33] Monica:
Monica describes her husband as a "big guy, very simple"—loves massages (only had one professional one in his life), sports, and TV.

• Golf Weekend:
  Steven suggests:

  “What if you got, like, a badass TV for him? 'Cause the Masters are this weekend.” (Steven, 04:00)

  • Monica confirms he loves golf (The Masters is a special bonus).

• At-home Comfort:
  The group agrees he’ll likely appreciate being home—home-cooked meals, comfort, downtime, and watching TV.

• Home Cooked Meals:
  Monica notes eating out happens a lot on the road, so a great home-cooked meal will mean a lot. (Monica, 06:09)

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Layering in Sexy Surprises

1. Add Variety with Outfits:
   Jen suggests playful changes of wardrobe throughout the weekend:

   “Maybe when he first walks in, it's the bow. And then later on... a different sexy thing. The next morning, a different sexy thing... like go through all kinds of different modes.” (Jen, 05:32-06:01)

   Monica loves the idea—especially since kids’ presence usually means no variety or playful outfits.

2. Fun for Her, Too:
   Jen encourages Monica:

   "It's kind of fun to do. That's fun to shop for...like, know that you’ve got some tricks up your sleeve the whole weekend.” (Jen, 06:48)

3. Different Venues:
   Jeff offers:

   “The kids are away. You've got a whole house. Try different venues and different clothes for the whole weekend.” (Jeff, 07:01)

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Creative Listener Ideas

• Learn to Give a Massage:
  Kara (caller) – consider getting a book and giving the massage herself for a personal touch. (Kara, 05:09)

• Lingerie Grab Bag:
  Caller shares vacation tradition:

  “Buy new lingerie sets and wrap them up... every day the husbands choose out of the grab bag… just kind of a way to spice things up.” (Caller, 08:32–09:05)

• Themed Outfits:
  Another caller proposes matching outfits to activities (e.g., chef’s hat during cooking, sheer top while he’s watching golf):

  “Come into the room with nothing much other than, you know, a little sheer top. And a skirt was not under there either. Sometimes the TV gets turned off.” (Caller, 09:20)

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Bonus Details for Going the Extra Mile

• Keep Things Teasing:
  Jen suggests sending flirty texts before he even gets home, to build anticipation:

  “Like, on his drive home. Get him all hot before he even sees you. Give him something to think about.” (Jen & Jeff, 10:32-10:45)

• Add Activities He Loves:
  Kara (another caller) shares that simple activities—like beer and fishing at sunset—can really make a guy feel loved. (Kara, 11:11)

• Practical Prep:
  Listeners and hosts suggest

  • Washing his car
  • Cleaning the house (especially toys/clutter as distractions)

  Steven emphasizes:

  “…Having his car washed... the less stuff that can be on his mind, the more the cooler it’s going to be to camp out.” (Steven, 11:48)

• Home Ambience:
  Silence the noisy toys! Jeff jokes about toys accidentally making sounds during intimate moments:

  “All of a sudden you hear Dora telling Swiper to not swipe things, and you're like, where the hell did that come from?” (Jeff, 12:41)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Guys are visual creatures, so maximize that time. And it sounds so subservient, but look good for him. You know what I mean?”
  — Steven, [09:57]

• “It’s like having a Victoria’s Secret Easter egg hunt.”
  — Jeff, [09:05]

• “Go get your man.”
  — Jeff, [13:13]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:42] Monica explains her romantic weekend goal
• [03:33] Monica details husband’s interests (massage, sports, TV)
• [04:00-04:16] Suggestion: New TV & The Masters/golf weekend
• [05:32-06:01] Jen proposes outfit variety
• [06:48] Jen: Making it fun for Monica too
• [07:01] Jeff: Try different venues in the house
• [08:32-09:05] Caller: Lingerie grab bag idea
• [09:20] Caller: Themed, sexy outfits for household activities
• [10:32-10:45] Teasing texts before he arrives
• [11:11-11:35] Sunset fishing date idea
• [11:48-12:24] Car wash, house cleaning tips
• [12:41] Jeff’s Toy Story: Silence the talking toys!

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Episode Takeaways

• Keep it simple, personal, and at home: Focus on comfort, favorite meals, and activities he loves.
• Layer in playfulness: Outfits/outfit changes, new lingerie, and setting different “venues” at home.
• Little things matter: Car washed, clutter cleared—so he can just relax.
• Fun for both: Keep some surprises for yourself—enjoy the anticipation and playfulness.
• Communication builds excitement: Start teasing before he even gets home!
• Make memories: At-home weekends can be more intimate, fun, and meaningful than fancy getaways.

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Final Encouragement

“Yeah, Monica, go get your man.” (Jeff, 13:13)

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This episode’s light-hearted, honest, and the advice is both practical and cheeky, with lots of laughter and supportive energy from both hosts and callers. An engaging brainstorm for anyone looking to rekindle the romance during a rare weekend alone!

Transcript

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[Jeff]

Listen, it's the virt show. Monica here. We got the email saying that she wants to make the most romantic welcome home ever and we want to try to get her help in doing that. So what you got, Monica?

[Monica]

Well, my husband works out of state and it's been an exhausting year. He comes in on Friday and then he's out again on Sunday and it's, it's just a lot. And this week the kids are on spring break and it's going to be the first weekend they're gonna be with their grandparents and we're gonna have, you know, like a husband and wife weekend at home. And I want to make this weekend so special. I thought when he comes home, maybe have a masseuse. Well, that's nice, but what would you guys do if you could create, you know, a perfect weekend?

[Melissa]

Well, my first thought when it comes to creating a perfect weekend for a guy, all you need to have on is a bow when he gets home.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it all starts with the vajayjay.

[Steven]

Unless he's Burt. Then you want to be holding a shoe in that neti pot.

[Melissa]

Don't do that.

[Jen]

We're giving her advice here, Jeff. We don't need to tell her that.

[Jeff]

I think Melissa's got a great point. I mean, we're guys. We're simple. So the epicenter for us, I think, starts with sex. But, I mean, we can.

[Steven]

But there's 48 hours in a weekend, Right?

[Jeff]

So what are you saying?

[Steven]

Yeah, I'm saying I don't know that that's exactly what he would want it. He's got the first weekend without the kids. I think that's a good opener and a good midway check in and a good closer. But I think you got to fill it in with Jeff needs a nap

[Jen]

or two in between.

[Jeff]

Maybe not even in between.

[Josh]

During.

[Melissa]

What is the.

[Steven]

I think it's just. I. It's like, oh, sex, sex. Sex is an easy first answer, but I do think that there are things that you can plug in there to make it extra special.

[Jeff]

All right. With the kids gone, give us some details. I guess we'd have to cater to what he's all about and what he digs. So tell us a little bit about him, and maybe somebody listening can give you some ideas.

[Monica]

Right. Well, he's. He's. He's a big guy, and he's very simple. You know, I think he would like a massage. Like, you know, a professional one. I think he would like that. He's had only one before, and he liked it. He likes sports, and he just likes watching tv. Very simple.

[Kara]

Mm.

[Jeff]

Sports and massage.

[Monica]

Yeah, that would be nice, right?

[Josh]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Sounds like you got everything right there on Beaufort Highway.

[Steven]

Do you think, like, I don't know what type of TV you have at the house, but what if you got, like, a badass TV for him? Cause the Masters are this weekend.

[Jeff]

Do you like golf?

[Monica]

Oh, he loves golf. Yeah, that would be a nice idea, maybe.

[Steven]

So you could have a big old

[Melissa]

TV for him to watch the Masters.

[Jen]

Big old TV for him to nap in front of. Cause isn't that what everybody does when they watch golf?

[Jeff]

Pretty much.

[Jen]

Don't you fall asleep?

[Jeff]

I don't even watch it Sunday. Honestly, unless Tiger's playing, I don't even watch golf.

[Monica]

That's a great idea.

[Jeff]

Sorry, Malicia. No, that's fueling those guys giving me the dirty look.

[Melissa]

No, it's most guys.

[Steven]

At some point this morning, Melissa decided one of us in this room needs to die.

[Melissa]

No, it's just. I am really. I will be so relieved when Tiger Talk is done. I mean, that's just the truth.

[Jeff]

I think it's gonna be A while, huh? Anyway, so back to Monica. Kara has a suggestion. All right. We did get a call today. Hey, Kara.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Kara]

Good morning.

[Jeff]

There's the real news.

[Steven]

Hey, Kara. Thank you. We love you.

[Kara]

We love you too.

[Jen]

Thanks for being our only color.

[Steven]

Yeah, we love you more.

[Jeff]

What's going on?

[Kara]

She was talking about giving him a

[Josh]

massage or getting a massage.

[Kara]

I think she should get like a

[Josh]

book or something and learn to do the massage herself.

[Jeff]

I mean, when guys want a massage from their spouse, they don't really want a massage. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's nice. It's like a nice start to things. But I mean, you could be done with the massage part in like 15 seconds.

[Melissa]

And it goes into the whole wearing a bow only thing, you know?

[Kara]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

All right, so start the massage yourself.

[Jen]

What about different outfits for the different days that he's home? Like, and I don't mean like full outfits. I mean like kind of along the lines of what Melissa was saying.

[Steven]

Yes.

[Jen]

Because guys are, you know, visual creatures or whatever. So maybe when he first walks in, it's the bow. And then maybe later on in the night it's like kind of a different outfit, like a different sexy thing. And then like the next morning it's a kind of different sexy thing. But like go through all kinds of different modes of little outfits.

[Jeff]

What do you think about that, Monica?

[Jen]

Strings and lace and garters and tight, easy accessibility.

[Steven]

Good morning.

[Monica]

Wonderful idea.

[Jeff]

Steven, you were on Q100. Hey.

[Monica]

Hey. You may think going out for a nice dinner might be a good thing, but when I'm traveling, I eat out all the time, so definitely home cooked meals would be nice.

[Jeff]

There you go. That's a great suggestion. And you're saying he's a simple guy. So we're doing the most simple stuff here. Tv, sex, food. Food.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

I mean, so far so good.

[Melissa]

Everything in the home.

[Jeff]

Thank you, Steve.

[Monica]

Thanks.

[Jeff]

I sound good so far.

[Monica]

Great. I could do that.

[Jeff]

These must have been on your, your radar somewhere.

[Monica]

They were the outfits though, I didn't really think about very much. But like it because it's always just sold out the kids. So that the changing the outfits is definitely going to be.

[Steven]

And I would love to.

[Jen]

Fun for you too. Like that's kind of fun to do. That's fun to shop for. It's kind of fun to like, know that you've got some like, tricks up your sleeve the whole weekend. It's kind of fun to think about, like, oh, am I going to go put it on now? Or maybe I'll wait an hour from now. Like that'll be fun for you the whole time too.

[Jeff]

And can I just build on that also? And I'm just assuming that when you're married and you have kids at some point because the kids can wake up at any time or they're around the house, you sort of get into the routine of doing it in the same place all the time. I would suggest that the kids are away. You got a whole house. All right, so different venues and different clothes for the whole weekend.

[Jen]

And I do.

[Melissa]

And I like the fact that everything we're suggesting, suggesting is in the house. Like the sports, watching the TV with a new tv, potentially. And, you know, being intimate with him and the home cooked meals. Because if he's away a lot, he wants to be home. You know, he wants to be in his own home. So I think it'd be a great weekend.

[Jeff]

One caller dropped out, but she said, are you picking him up from the airport or is he coming right to the house?

[Monica]

He's coming right to the house.

[Jeff]

Okay. She said, answer the door in like some kind of just nothing in basically nothing. Yeah.

[Monica]

Oh, that might be nice for him.

[Jeff]

It would be very, very nice. Hot stone massage has been suggested. 3D TV for Masters game. The Masters is in 3D this year. Really? You gotta wear those funky ass glasses. But you can watch it in 3D. Really?

[Steven]

But I think there's only one TV. I think it's the Samsung. It's the only 3D TV out there, I think. But they're showing it. They showed a practice round somewhere at 3D.

[Jen]

That's cool.

[Jeff]

That's really cool. Monica. I mean, Bridget. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Kara]

Hey, how are you guys?

[Caller]

Good.

[Jeff]

We are trying to create like the ultimate welcome home for Monica and her husband.

[Josh]

Well, I was just kind of piggybacking on Jen's idea. A couple of my girlfriends and I, when we've gone on vacations or trips with our spouses, one thing to kind of like spice it up that we've done is the week before, like a couple days before, we'll go out and buy new lingerie sets and then wrap them up like in tissue paper or something like that so that our husbands can't see. And every day the husbands, like chews out of the grab bag of lingerie and they know that that night we're going to be wearing something new. So it's just kind of like a little way to spice things up.

[Jeff]

It's like having like a Victoria's Secret Easter egg hunt. It just goes from place to place, looking for different Victoria's Secret stuff. And when he finds it, you're the bunny.

[Steven]

That's a great idea.

[Jeff]

Here is Debbie.

[Caller]

Good Morning.

[Jeff]

You're on Q100. Hi.

[Co-host]

Good morning. To build on that with those little outfits, like when she's cooking, maybe a sexy little chef outfit with a hat or something like that. And then, like, what works at my house is when my husband's watching golf or something, you come into the room with nothing much other than, you know, a little sheer top. And a skirt was not under there either. And sometimes the TV gets turned off.

[Josh]

And wear heels, too. Like, wear heels around the house when you're wearing those outfits, because it'll make you feel good, and then he'll love it even more.

[Steven]

I do think it's important. I think you should dress up at the house as if you were going out. Like, if you're gonna change the outfits, like Jen said, like, when you get up in the morning, rather than, you know, the sweats and T shirt that you normally throw on to, you know, feed the dog and cook breakfast. Cook breakfast and everything, dress up a little bit more as if you were going out to breakfast. Cause I think that's cool. Cause you have limited time with him. Guys are visual creatures, so maximize that time. And it sounds so subservient, but look good for him. You know what I mean?

[Jen]

Well, it's only one weekend. Yeah. And I think. What do you guys think about sending him some, like, teasing text messages before he gets home?

[Co-host]

Cool.

[Jen]

Like on. Like, on his. On his drive home.

[Jeff]

Get him all hot before he even sees you. Give him something to think about.

[Jen]

Yeah. Get him kind of excited about it before he hits the door.

[Jeff]

I mean, it's all come. It's all boiling down to the same thing. It's really what we're talking about. Sex him up. Hey, Summer. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Lady Luck]

Hey, how are you?

[Caller]

Good.

[Jeff]

How are you?

[Kara]

I'm great. Great. Thanks, y'. All. Like, Jeff was saying how you have to fill in all the sex time.

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Kara]

I'm sorry there's gonna be sex, but fill in all the other spots.

[Steven]

Right.

[Kara]

And you keep saying how. Your husband's very simple. I know my boyfriend. He's a good old boy. He's Georgia born. And, like, he loves fishing. So I've done things before. Like, at. At sunset, I pack a cooler. He thinks it's wine and a picnic, but I kind of just pack some Bud Light and We hop out on the jambo and go fishing. And you would have thought, I took him to Disney World.

[Steven]

That's awesome.

[Jeff]

And where does the sexy outfit come

[Josh]

in on the boat afterwards?

[Melissa]

Okay, well, you can do it on the boat and just say that's what you have underneath.

[Jeff]

One called in saying, have his car washed for him and have the house cleaned.

[Steven]

Oh, no, I think that's standard. Yeah. But I think that's good because if the kids toys and stuff are lying around and things like that, that would be maybe a distraction for him. And the way a guy's mind operates, again, trying not to make it sound like, you know, service your man or whatever, but having his car washed, like, as a guy, that would be something in the back of my mind. Like, if I've been traveling and my car is dirty, like, I would think, oh, man, I got to take care of the car wash. Especially with the weather being as nice as it's going to be. So if you have that done before he comes back, the less stuff that can be on his mind, the more the cooler it's going to be to camp out.

[Jeff]

Now, Jeff has a great point with the, the toys also, and I know this from experience that sometimes you throw all of the toys in the same basket. And some of them, their sound is activated by the push of a button. And if you throw them in the basket at random times, they'll just start talking.

[Josh]

That's true.

[Jeff]

And I know this from experience that you'll be right in the middle of something really intimate, and then all of a sudden you hear Dora telling Swiper to not swipe things, and you're like, where the hell did that come from?

[Melissa]

But I do also want, I do also want producer Josh to save some of the advice the guys have given because I like especially what Jeff had just said about make sure that there's nothing on his MO that he has to worry about beforehand or whatever. So that when we switch it up and guys are asking advice on a romantic time for their woman, you can hear the same because I think the advice can be the same.

[Jeff]

Yeah, Monica, go get your man. Okay.

[Monica]

All right.

[Jeff]

All right. Have yourself a good weekend.

[Monica]

Thanks, guys. I will.

[Melissa]

All right, have fun.

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