Vault: She's Convinced That Her Coworker Is Stealing Her Breast Milk

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode Title: Vault: She's Convinced That Her Coworker Is Stealing Her Breast Milk
Date: April 7, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this eye-opening and hilarious episode, the Bert Show team tackles an unusual—and unsettling—listener drama: a woman believes her coworker is stealing her pumped breast milk from the office fridge. The crew and callers share stories, debate the best response, and provide both practical and tongue-in-cheek solutions, all infused with the show’s trademark real-talk and comedic banter.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Food Theft at Work: The Relatable Setup

• The show begins with the hosts reminiscing about the universal annoyance of workplace food theft.
  • PF Chang’s leftovers as prime targets (02:02)
  • Memories of coworkers stealing multiple people’s leftovers during a late-night stint at the station. (03:04-03:28)
  • "Come Monday morning, there are five people from this radio station that open up the fridge to get their P. F. Changs or their chilis or whatever, and five of them gone." — [A], 03:28

2. Abby’s (Caller) Unique Problem: Disappearing Breast Milk

• Abby (on disguised voice) shares her concern: She’s been pumping breast milk at work after recently having a baby and storing it in the common fridge in a distinctive black lunch bag. She’s noticed her bottle contents shrinking and suspects a coworker is stealing her milk. (03:55-06:49)
  • Describes seeing an older coworker opening her lunch satchel.
  • Multiple minor but consistent instances of missing milk.
  • "I just have this feeling that there was just a little bit less. So last week, grabbed my lunch... I started... to keep exact track of the milk in each of the little bottles, you know, by the ounce, like exactly... Okay, someone is taking the milk out of those little bottles..." — [E/Abby], 04:34

3. The Crew’s (Joking and Practical) Reactions

• The team jokes about the bizarre nature of the "milk theft" and riffs on workplace lunchroom etiquette.
• Speculation about motivations:
  • Is it a fetish, confusion, or just awkward food theft?
  • "Woman's breast milk is somebody else's PF Chang's." — [D], 04:02
• Container confusion: Baby bottles as a clear sign, but maybe not to everyone.
• Practical ideas:
  • Get a mini-fridge for her office (suggested twice) (08:17, 08:48)
  • Sending a mass email to make it clear ("Please don't drink my breast milk.") (07:43)

4. Listener Call-ins: Shared War Stories & Strategies

• Robert calls about an issue with beer theft and "urine-filled decoy beers" as retribution. (09:34-10:22)
• Office tricks include warnings/memos or "tampering" to ward off thieves. (10:51)

5. More Banter: What’s the Thief Doing with the Milk?

• The team jokes at length about possible uses—drinking, pouring out, dipping things in…
  • "He's swirling and he's finishing." — [D], 09:06
  • "Maybe he's not drinking it. Maybe he's just dipping his... parts in." — [F], 12:56

6. Practical (and Serious) Solutions Offered

• Listener Beth: Breast milk can stay fresh without refrigeration up to 10 hours (11:23)
• Advice:
  • Keep milk with her, avoid the fridge, or buy a mini-fridge.
  • Report to HR or install a nanny cam to catch the thief. (13:10)

7. Question of Offense & Final Recommendations

• A caller wonders if some are simply offended by the presence of breast milk in the fridge and are acting out (“pouring it out a little at a time”). (11:56)
• The group overwhelmingly agrees: Remove milk from public fridge, get a personal cooler, and consider reporting it.
  • "Go out and get the cooler." — [A], 13:07

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the absurdity of stealing breast milk:

  • "Please don't drink my breast milk." — [F], 07:43
  • "It's going down a dude's throat." — [D], 11:48

• Jokes about what the thief might be doing:

  • "You know what he's doing? Like, he's doing like Katie does with wine. He's swirling and he's finishing." — [D], 09:06
  • "Maybe he's not drinking it. Maybe he's just dipping his... parts in." — [F], 12:56

• On workplace food offenses:

  • "That's the total middle finger of food stealing." — [D], 02:54
  • "She went in the bathroom and filled it back up and sealed it with his toaster waffle." — [D], 10:33

• On how to handle it:

  • "At least buy the guy a little Nesquik." — [F], 13:24
  • "This is really on you, not him. Why don’t you make it more comfortable for him?" — [A], 13:27

---

Important Timestamps

• 02:02: Workplace food theft stories, setting the scene
• 03:55: Abby calls in with her breast milk dilemma
• 04:34: Abby details suspected theft and her process tracking milk levels
• 07:13: Suggestion of a locked box or mini-fridge
• 08:31: Discussion about confronting the office/thief
• 09:34: Caller Robert shares beer theft payback story
• 11:23: Listener Beth offers storage advice on breast milk
• 13:10: Advice to involve HR and consider cameras
• 13:24–13:40: Final jokes and wrap-up recommendations

---

Tone & Style

• Relatable, supportive, and irreverently funny:
  The team balances genuine empathy for Abby’s unsettling situation with sharp wit and office-appropriate (and sometimes R-rated) humor.
• Pragmatic but playful:
  Advice is practical but always comes with laughs and creative sidebars.

---

Summary Conclusion

This episode delivers the Bert Show’s signature blend of real-life drama, audience participation, and unfiltered humor. They take a listener’s odd but serious dilemma and turn it into a wide-ranging conversation about boundaries, respect, and just how weird (and hilarious) office life can get. The consensus: Get a mini-fridge and maybe a camera—because you just can’t trust the breakroom.

Transcript

[A]

Delete Me makes it easy, quick and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete Me now at a special discount just for you guys. Get 20% off your delete me plan when you go to JoinDeleteMe.com Bert use the promo code Burt at checkout. That's join DeleteMe.com Bert enter the code Bert B R T at checkout okay,

[B]

can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like one minute it's carbs are bad and then the next it's no, actually carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit forhers.comburt to get personalized, affordable care that gets you. That's F O R h e r s.com Bert forhers.com Bert with way less by hers is not available in all 50 states. WeGovy is a registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A s Get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions. Visit borhearst.com the first show all right,

[A]

like I said before, I think we've probably all been here. You know, you go out to like PF Chang. It's like the ultimate leftover food.

[C]

Leftovers are almost better than the first time you have.

[A]

Yes, man Especially like P F Chang. So you have it on, like on Wednesday night, and you wrap it all up and you bring it into the office, you put it in the fridge. And all you could think about from 8 in the morning until noon is getting your hands on that Kung pao chicken from P F Chang's.

[D]

Man, like my leftover lunch today is gonna be good.

[E]

God.

[A]

You open up the fridge expecting to see that styrofoam little container and it's missing, man, it's missing. You feel like doing an Amber Alert or even worse.

[D]

Even worse, if you have the container in there and you open it up and the food's gone. Like somebody took the time to take the container, eat it, and put the container back in. That's happened before as well.

[C]

That had my name on it either.

[D]

That's the total middle finger of food stealing.

[A]

Yeah, Jeff and we used to have a dude on the show named Hoss. Went out one night and they both came back to the radio station late, late, late, late, late, late, late.

[F]

In a taxi, no less. Because I had keys, you know, I left my keys with the valet, so I had an extra house key here at the station. So we both run upstairs, I get my key and the time it takes me to go into my office and get the key that I had, you know, hidden there and get back down to the cab. He had gone into the fridge and seriously made the most delicious smelling plate of something out of five different people's leftovers.

[A]

Gross. Now it's three in the morning and they've been drinking all night sober. Probably didn't taste good. But come Monday morning, there are five people from this radio station that open up the fridge to get their P. F. Changs or their chilis or whatever, and. And five of them gone. Gone, gone, gone.

[F]

Yeah, if I had nasty. Yeah, if I. If I had a second fork, I would have tried it.

[A]

Abby's case, just a little bit different here. Hey, Abby.

[E]

Hi.

[A]

Hi. You're on the Voice Disguiser.

[E]

Hi. A little different than PF Changs, but a little bit. Just a little bit.

[D]

Well, woman's breast milk is somebody else's. PF Changs.

[E]

I'll tell you what's going on. So I had a baby about five months ago, went back to work, and I'm still breastfeeding. Probably do it for about a year. And you guys know what a breast pump is during the day, I'm not at home, so I need to pump milk for my baby when I get home after work. And I bring a little Black, insulated, kind of lunchbox looking bag to work each day with the bottles. And I fill it up during the day as I pump and you have to have it refrigerated. And there's a lunch or a refrigerator in the lunchroom. So I, you know, I do my pumping in my office and I put it in little bottles in the fridge of work. So, you know, like any lunchroom, everyone's got their lunch boxes in the fridge. And I never would think that someone would go into mine at my workplace unless they opened it by accident or something like that. So one day I was walking by my lunchroom on my way to my office and I saw this older guy who I work with, maybe he's in a different office than me, but we share the same lunchroom. Opening, opening up my little black satchel in the fridge. I thought nothing of it. I thought he probably thought it was his. And I kept walking by. And then after that, every time I would go in there to fill up the bag with fresh milk. I don't know if I was crazy, but I started thinking there was less milk in each bottle. You only squeeze out a little bit at a time. It's a lot of work, but I just have this feeling that there was just a little bit less. So last week, grabbed my lunch that I also keep in the fridge near my black breast milk bag, and I sat down at my desk and I had this weird feeling that my, you know, I thought about it, like, did I just see my black breast milk bag in the fridge? And I was thinking, I don't think I saw it. So I ran back into the lunchroom and I double checked the cooler. The black bag was in there, but it was moved, or I thought it was moved to a different, you know, a shelf in the fridge. I always put it on the same place every day. So I started throughout last week to keep exact track of the milk in each of the little bottles, you know, by the ounce, like exactly. I knew exactly where it was. Okay, someone is taking the milk out of those little bottles there, but there's a little less every day, every throughout the day in each of the little bottles. And I may be insane, but I'm not sure if it's him. He's kind of a creepy dude. He doesn't really, you know, he doesn't really talk to anybody. Kind of does his thing and I don't know if this is a fetish or if he knows it's breast milk or what he thinks it is, if it's him. I'm completely grossed out because I'm giving this to my baby at the end of the day.

[D]

Is it pretty clear that I'm trying to think of the containers? It pretty clear that that's.

[E]

It's a bottle.

[D]

Okay, so it is a bottle.

[E]

Well, even if it's not, that's what it looks like. It's a bottle. It's a baby bottle, but they're in the bag. So someone. He obviously had opened it one time by accident, or somebody did and thought. I don't know what they thought. And what do I. This is weird. Do I buy my own refrigerator, put it in my office? Am I crazy?

[D]

There was a guy here years ago who actually had this wooden box with a lock on it, and he'd put his stuff in there and lock it up so that nobody would take it, because, yeah, it's obviously a consistent problem throughout companies where people do that. But, I mean, if it's a bottle and he's having to go into a container to grab it, it's unlike it being in some kind of container sitting in the door where people think, oh, it's milk. I'll just put in my coffee real quick. But he's having to go dig for this.

[A]

Is there a way to, like, politically, correctly, like, send out some kind of mass email?

[F]

Please don't drink my breast milk.

[A]

I just want to let everybody in the office know what's in that. You know, that that satchel is breast milk.

[F]

Who wouldn't know that it's in baby bottles?

[A]

I mean, everybody knows, but you're still. I mean, you're making it known that, you know, somebody else is jacking with your breast milk.

[F]

You go to Best Buy today, you

[E]

know, like a posting, because people have done, like, your. What? You guys are talking about eating each other's food, saying, you know, be respectful of each other's lunches in here. And so we're. We're aware, you know, it's a big office, and we share the space. There's something.

[F]

There's a weird, creepy dude in your office. You go to Best Buy today, and you spend 150 bucks on one of those dorm fridges that we all had in college, and you put it under the corner of your desk in your office, and you put a plan on top of it, and you put your boob milk in there, and that's it.

[D]

I do think you should sit. I do think you should send the email out, though, Bert. Going back to Bert's suggestion, because that way everybody else is called out on it, like, you talk about how that's. Like, everybody else in the office realizes somebody stealing breast milk out of this black container in the fridge. So everybody's in the break room looking for somebody to do that.

[A]

Yeah. He'll never be able to go in there ever again and put his hands on that. Because everybody is going to know.

[D]

Because you're fascinated by that. If they said that in this office, we would all be camped out.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Watching for the person.

[F]

Hey, do you have.

[C]

Do you think he's just going in there and, like, sniffing it?

[A]

Oh, she says it's missing.

[C]

And then, like, taking a little sip.

[D]

You know what he's doing? Like, he's doing like Katie does with wine. Okay. He's swirling and he's finishing.

[C]

Finishing it. He's like, God, putting it in a

[D]

cup and twirling it around and around so it can breathe.

[F]

Do you think he brings a fine cheese?

[D]

No, he makes the cheese out of the breast milk. No, Jeff, he puts it in his lucky charms. Okay.

[E]

No way.

[A]

Oreos. You dip it in the Oreos and

[D]

then it turns the color of the Oreo.

[A]

Hey, Robert. Good morning. Hey, Robert. Go ahead.

[G]

Yes, we were having an issue similar to this. Well, wasn't breast milk. It was our beer and beer.

[F]

Your breast gives beer. That is amazing.

[G]

We have. We live out in the country, and we have a refrigerator outside we keep cases of beer in. So during the summertime, we sit around, drink beer. Well, we locked the refrigerator. They'd break the lock, they'd steal the beer. We'd put a chain around it. They'd cut it, steal the beer. So we decided that we would refill the beers with leftover beer.

[A]

Oh, urinated in the bottles.

[G]

Yes, ma'.

[E]

Am.

[G]

Filled up three cases of bottles, recapped them, put on a stolen one Saturday night.

[D]

Yep.

[G]

And they do not steal our beer anymore.

[A]

So they knew exactly what they were drinking.

[G]

Oh, well, I don't know if they knew it or not, but I'm sure that first big deal.

[A]

Didn't I have somebody in this office do something like that?

[D]

A friend of mine when I worked at Turner did that, where she had orange juice. And she was more offended by the fact that they would take her orange juice every morning and drink half of it and put it back in the fridge instead of just taking the whole thing. She's like, why are you drinking it? And think, I'm gonna finish it off. And she did that. She went in the bathroom and filled it back up and sealed it with his toaster waffle.

[A]

Yeah, but he didn't say exactly what he did. Right? Didn't he just put out. He put out like a memo saying, I just want to let you know if you stole my pizza or whatever it was. I did something to it. I'm just not going to tell you what it was.

[F]

He's spitting it. I thought he farted on it.

[C]

No, he didn't say. He never said what he did.

[F]

He told us privately after the fact.

[A]

He did he spit in it.

[F]

I thought he unwrapped it and farted on it. But either one, I thought he did

[A]

the old pluck and drop. I did.

[D]

That's even worse. He probably didn't do anything, but I love the theory.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Hey, Beth, good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[H]

Oh, hi. No, I'm actually breastfeeding my baby now. But I was gonna tell the caller that the milk will stay fresh for, like, up to 10 hours without refrigeration. So if I were her, I wouldn't even put it in there.

[E]

Yeah, I just get weird about that. I don't know. I wanna keep it as cold. I don't want any possibility of anything weird happening to it.

[D]

Well, something weird's happening to it.

[A]

Yeah, something's weird happening to it. Right now.

[D]

It's going down a dude's throat.

[C]

Ew.

[F]

Ew.

[C]

Tasty.

[A]

Hey, Jen, here on the bird show.

[H]

Good morning. I don't. I don't wonder that there is somebody at the office that might be offended by her leaving breast milk in the fridge.

[A]

Well, tough.

[F]

Why would they be offended by that? And if they're so offended by that, why would they touch it?

[H]

I don't know. But, you know, they. They might be bothered by it enough that they're either, you know, just wanting to aggravate her or, you know, get rid of it.

[A]

Yeah. Who knows if he's drinking and maybe he's just, like, slowly pouring it out.

[D]

Well, that's just. Let's go with that rather than dumb, meticulous thing to do. I'll get her. I'll just a few drops at a time. She'll get the points.

[F]

Yeah, I know. What I'll do is I'll make her think she's drying up. She's going to be a withered cow of a woman by the time I'm done with her.

[A]

Hey, Carrie, go ahead. You're part of the virtual.

[H]

Okay. I'd be so afraid to give that to my child. At the end of the day, I would not be putting it in that fridge anymore. It's probably painted.

[A]

Yeah, I think you got to just go out and get the cooler and don't even worry about the rest of this.

[F]

Maybe he's not drinking it. Maybe he's just dipping his.

[E]

No.

[F]

No parts in.

[A]

It doesn't matter.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[F]

I'm just saying anything's possible.

[A]

Go out and get the cooler. Okay.

[C]

I would tell your HR department about it, too, because they could get just enough interested to maybe put a camera above that fridge.

[A]

I would love that.

[C]

Wouldn't you want to know?

[A]

That would be my ct.

[D]

Put a little nanny cam on the counter. Do it.

[F]

Or at least buy the guy a little Nesquik.

[A]

This is really on you, not him. Why don't you make it more comfortable for him?

[D]

Strawberry. Yeah, exactly.

[F]

Let's try it.

[A]

Happy? We gotta run.

[G]

Chocolates.

[F]

I mean, you get that anywhere with strawberry breast milk. That is a delicacy.

[D]

Save that.

[F]

Save that.

[A]

All of it.

[F]

All of it.

[G]

The bird show.

[I]

At vrbo, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support. So we've planned for the plot twists. Every booking is automatically backed by our VRBO Care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start. Whenever you need help, it's ready before your stay, through the moments in between, and after your trip. Because a great trip starts with peace of mind and maybe a good playlist. But we've got the peace of mind part covered.