Vault: She's upset he still helps raise his ex's kid.

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: She's upset he still helps raise his ex's kid."
Episode Date: May 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

This emotionally charged episode focuses on a listener—Kim—who is struggling with the complexities of co-parenting her young daughter alongside her ex-boyfriend (not the biological father), despite challenges brought on by his new wife. The Bert Show hosts and several listeners weigh in with their perspectives, sharing stories and advice around identity, loyalty, relationships, and what’s best for the child caught in the middle.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Kim's Story: The Situation (01:56 - 05:57)

• Background: Kim called in to explain her situation. She and her ex-boyfriend met when her daughter was a baby (“maybe two or three months old”); he became a strong father figure, and the girl began calling him “Dad” around age two. He tattooed her name on his arm, deeply integrating into her life.
• Breakup and Custody: They moved in together for a year, but broke up due to being too young. They amicably arranged visitation—her daughter, who has no relationship with her biological father, spent alternate weekends with him.
• New Relationship Tensions: His new girlfriend (later wife) originally did not know the daughter wasn’t his. Once informed, she became upset, feeling threatened by his relationship with Kim’s daughter. Kim expressed her disappointment that her ex didn’t stand firm, saying:

  “He should have put his foot down and said, ‘well, she's been here in my life way before you, you know, so it should stay this way.’” – Kim (03:29)

• Ultimatum and Fallout: The new couple sought counseling, pressuring Kim to tell her daughter that the “Dad” figure isn’t her biological father—a conversation Kim felt her six-year-old wasn’t ready for.

Navigating Stepfamilies and Loyalties (05:57 – 08:44)

• Concerns About New Dynamics: The hosts and Kim explored if her ex’s new wife was concerned about finances or emotional boundaries. Kim clarified:

  “It's not about the money. I just need his time, that's all.” – Kim (07:16)

• Efforts for Peace: Kim tried to set up a group conversation for clarity and reassurance, but her ex refused any direct dialogue between Kim and his new wife.

The Reality Check: Commitment and Long-Term Effects (08:44 – 11:07)

• Discussion on Commitment: The hosts stressed that the ex-boyfriend must decide now—either be in her life for the long term or not at all:

  “He’s gotta make a commitment to be either in her life or out of it, like now. You know what I mean? So. And that's not up to you. That's up to him.” – Co-host 1 (08:30)

• Potential Complications: They raised questions about how future partners or children might impact the relationship and acknowledged the ex's new wife’s discomfort as a major hurdle.

Callers Share Personal Experiences & Advice

Brittany, Now Grown, With Similar History (10:33 – 12:07)

• Personal Loss: Brittany called in, relating her own pain from being cut off by her biological dad after he remarried:

  “I'm 17, I'm a senior in high school...and he's not coming to my graduation. He's already told me he doesn't want to come to my wedding.” – Brittany (11:38)

• Advice: Brittany urged Kim to help her daughter’s father stay present while it still matters:

  “You may not realize it now, but once that girl gets older, you're going to regret it.” – Brittany (11:56)

Michael, A Call for Honesty (12:18 – 12:53)

• Truth-Telling: Michael advocated for telling the daughter while she’s young:

  “...establish the fact that he's not her biological father before it gets later in life... she’s going to hold it against her if she doesn’t tell her sooner or later.” – Michael (12:21)

Eugene, Focus on the Child (14:00 – 15:26)

• Child Above All: Eugene challenged the group to prioritize the actual needs of the girl:

  “Nobody's talked about what's best for the seven year old yet... what I think is best is for everybody involved, all of the adults involved, to come together and let the daughter know what the deal is.” – Eugene (14:01)

Patrice, The New Wife’s Perspective (15:45 – 18:01)

• Step-parent Resentment: Patrice, a new wife who’s navigated similar emotions, admitted:

  “Deep down, I tell you, I resented it...And I totally regret it now. I know that he sees the difference in how I treat my son and how I treat him...” – Patrice (16:31)

• Importance of Early Honesty: Patrice and others stressed the pain that comes from children discovering late in life that the person they called "Dad" isn’t biologically related.

Consensus & Host Reflections (18:10 – 19:19)

• The consensus solidified around the need to tell the daughter the truth while she’s still young, and to pursue the relationship “educated” about likely obstacles.
• The hosts showed empathy, but recognized Kim might not have liked the advice:

  “She didn't sound like she liked it.” – Host (19:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He got her name tattooed on his arm and everything.” – Kim (02:41)
• “He’s gotta make a commitment to be either in her life or out of it, like now.” – Co-host 1 (08:30)
• “Is your daughter gonna be their sister if their mom’s not gonna like it?” – Co-host 2 (09:41)
• “You may not realize it now, but once that girl gets older, you’re going to regret it.” – Brittany, 17-year-old caller (11:56)
• “Maybe he and his counselors were more correct in saying that it was time to tell her that he’s not her biological father.” – Co-host 1 (12:42)
• “Nobody’s talked about what’s best for the seven year old yet.” – Eugene (14:01)
• “I know that he sees the difference in how I treat my son and how I treat him, and I totally feel bad about it.” – Patrice (16:31)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:56 – Kim explains her family’s background and current situation.
• 03:54 – Upset new wife learns the child isn’t his biologically; Kim’s dilemma.
• 05:05 – Fallout after threat to reveal the truth to the daughter.
• 08:30 – Discussion about long-term commitment by the ex-boyfriend.
• 09:41 – Complications if either Kim or her ex have further children.
• 11:37 – Brittany shares her moving experience being abandoned by her father.
• 12:21 – Call for truthful disclosure to the child from Michael.
• 14:01 – Eugene demands focus on what's best for the child.
• 16:31 – Patrice, a stepmom, reveals long-term regrets and emotional struggles.
• 18:10 – Hosts summarize consensus: tell the child young, pursue relationships with eyes open.

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Takeaways

• Honesty is crucial: Most hosts and callers agree the daughter should be told sooner rather than later about her biological parentage.
• Child’s needs come first: All adults must collaborate with the child’s emotional well-being as the top priority.
• Step-family roles are complex: New partners may feel threatened, leading to resentment that’s hard to overcome and sometimes long-lasting for children.
• Commitment over comfort: The father figure needs to decide—either commit to a lifelong role or step away—to provide stability.

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Host]

This gets complicated here and I think I'm explaining it correctly, right?

[Co-host 1]

I think so. I mean what you told us yesterday was that her ex husband raised their his stepdaughter as if he was dad and now they've been divorced and he's remarried to a new woman and new stepmom doesn't want him to have a relationship with what is essentially his daughter but not a biological.

[Host]

Kim is on the voice disguiser here. Kim, do we have that right?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Actually he's. We weren't actually married.

[Co-host 1]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Host]

All right. Why don't you give us the history.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, give us the story.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Okay. We met like when my daughter was like maybe two or three months old and he pretty much like fell in love with her. He spent a lot of time with her and we would go out all the time and around the time when she turned 2 years old, she calling Him, Dad. I mean, nobody told her, you know, say, this. This is your dad, or nothing like that. She just started calling him dad because that's what she felt like. And we were just all okay with it. We just, you know, went with it. And, I mean, he was in love with this little girl. He got her name tattooed on his arm and everything.

[Co-host 1]

Sweet.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Yeah. So then we ended up moving in together and lived together for about a year. And then it wasn't working out between us because we were both young when we first moved in, so it wasn't working. So we decided to separate and he starts dating this other woman. I was fine with it, and I still, you know, let him come see her or whatever. So, I mean, her dad left when. Before she was even born. So she doesn't even know her dad. She thinks this is her dad. So he would. She would go spend the weekends with him. So we would alternate weekends or whatever. But at this time, his new girlfriend, she didn't know that this wasn't his biological kid. So, you know, she was all fine. You know, how the girlfriend, dad, she tries to, you know, make the child happy, to make the dad happy, you know, try to get in that kind of way. So she would take my daughter to the nail salon and all this, you know, good, great stuff. I mean, they spent Thanksgiving with them. She spent Thanksgiving with them and all this, you know, great stuff. And then she found out from one of his relatives that, you know, this wasn't his actual daughter. And I guess she got upset by that and, you know, made a big stink about it. And my thing with him was he should have put his foot down and said, well, she's been here in my life way before you, you know, so it should stay this way.

[Host]

Like, this is a package deal here. This is just not me. This is my daughter also.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Right. And, you know, he didn't because, you know, he wanted to make her happy, I'm guessing, because I'm guessing she's thinking, you know, I want to get back with him, or something like that. But it's not even like that, though. You know, I'm way past that. I mean, I'm in a new relationship now and everything. And, I mean, I've told them both that, you know, and they decided they were going to get married because they were having a kid together. And then you like, well, I'm going to counseling and stuff, and they want me to go ahead and tell her that I'm not really her father. I was like, at this time, my daughter was six And I'm like, my six year old does not need to know that just yet. So I kind of changed my number and lost contact with him because I did not want him to, you know. Cause he's, he's basically like, oh, I'm just gonna tell her and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm like, that's not happening.

[Host]

Okay, so let's cut him off. Let's pause there for a second. Cuz that's a pretty big piece to the puzzle here. So because he was gonna tell your daughter that he wasn't the biological father, you cut him off. So how long was he out of her life for where there was no communication?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

I don't even think it was a whole month. Cause maybe a couple weeks later he, he called, he tried to like contact me between, by one of my family members or whatever. And he was like, you know, I'm really sorry, I was just going through something and I didn't realize what I was saying and blah, blah, blah. So he apologized, he's like, well, just give me another chance, I really want to be in her life. And blah, blah. I was like, okay, fine. Because of course, I mean, she loves her dad. I don't want to, you know, pretty much like, you know, eliminate him. If he wants to be there, that's fine. I mean, I want him to be in her life. So I gave him this other chance. And then he'll come visit when he gets off work or whatever for maybe 20 minutes. And then he's like, yeah, I gotta go. I was like, okay, what was that all about? And then come to find out that he was doing this behind his wife's back. Cause he wasn't okay with the whole thing.

[Co-host 2]

Are you in a relationship with anyone else?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Yes, I am.

[Co-host 2]

I just told him and, and how old or new or how long have you been dating someone else?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Probably like maybe six months after we broke up. After me and broke up. So it's been a while. Like I've been. And I mean, he's even met the guy that I've been in a relationship with. I even suggested that, you know, if we all sit down and talk about it, maybe that make, you know, give his wife some ease or whatever. But he's like, no, no, I don't want you all to talk. And you know, kind of, you know, avoiding that issue. I'm like, I'm trying to do what's best for my daughter.

[Host]

There's a whole bunch of, there's, you know, there's so many Details here. So let's just try to focus on one thing here. So has he told you that his new wife does not want him to communicate with your daughter?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Yeah, basically he said that she said, I don't want you taking care of your ex girlfriend's child.

[Host]

Okay, so the question here is how do you get him involved?

[Co-host 3]

So she thinks that you're taking advantage of him financially, like you, you're wanting him to take care of her and that, and that's what it's about, his financial. So she sounds, it sounds like you're, you're asking for a handout from him and she's offended because they're not blood relatives probably.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

But I mean, it's not about the money.

[Caller with similar experience]

I just need his time, that's all.

[Co-host 3]

No, I understand.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

For any, you know, anything like that, I just want him to be in her life.

[Host]

Is there any way, because she's feeling insecure right now. Is there any way that you could sit her down somehow and make her feel better about the whole situation so she can greenlight this relationship between him and your daughter?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Well, I mean, I don't, I don't. I haven't really talked to her personally like that, but like I said, I've tried to relate through him that maybe we all need to sit down and have a meeting about it. I mean, I would, you know, gladly agree to talking to her, you know, trying to put her at ease or whatever, because of course I want this relationship to work. So, I mean, any kind of way to compromise, like if, you know, she doesn't want him to come to my house, it's fine. If I have to come meet you guys halfway somewhere or, you know, whatever will make her feel more comfortable because I want him to be a part of my daughter's life.

[Host]

404-741-Q100 initial thoughts I think for this

[Co-host 1]

to be a long term situation, he has to make that commitment to your daughter. You know what I'm saying? Kind of.

[Co-host 2]

But how can he, like, he's got

[Co-host 1]

to negotiate it with his. If he wants to be in your daughter's life, if he sees her as his daughter, this is gonna, this is a lifetime, you know. How old is your daughter now? Seven.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

She's seven.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, seven. So I mean, we're talking the rest of her life. He's gotta make a commitment to be either in her life or out of it, like now. You know what I mean? So. And that's gonna be. That's not up to you. That's up to him.

[Host]

But isn't the reality of it. If his new wife isn't totally comfortable with the situation, then he's never gonna be at ease being on the phone with his daughter or being on the phone with Kim here. So. Doesn't she?

[Co-host 1]

That's what I mean.

[Host]

I mean, really, we gotta get the new wife comfortable with this whole situation before he really emotionally gets involved.

[Co-host 2]

But not only that. Not only that, there are so many variables that make this a dangerous situation. And I appreciate what the guy's doing, and I don't want to make it sound like that. I don't want the girl to have the father figure in her life and all that stuff. But there are so many things that can't be predicted that I think this is just one problem getting ready to stack on top of the other. Number one, what happens when Kim and the guy she's with now decide to get married, but this girl is calling another guy dad even though that guy is not that girl's dad? Number two, what happens when this guy who's taking care of the girl right now, has kids of his own with the other woman who's already giving him grief, and then says, you know what? I gotta focus on my own kids. Like, is your daughter gonna. Is your daughter gonna be their sister if their mom's not gonna like it?

[Host]

That's why I'm saying we gotta get moms on board here, because all of that stuff is so. You're right. It's such a complicated situation, but working through all that is a way better plan than not having him in her Life.

[Co-host 2]

But only 10% of it involves Mom. It's such a tiny little sliver. He could have kids of his own with her and him on his own. Say, you know what? I have to prioritize. And right now I can't. Like. I understand what you're saying, and I don't want to take away the father figure thing, but there are so many variables that you're going to have to deal with. I don't know if it's worth it.

[Host]

Hey, Brittany. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Hey.

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

I just wanted to say, it's so funny because I'm in the exact same situation she's in with your daughter. With my dad.

[Co-host 1]

Okay.

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

I'm 17 and split up when I was. Right before my 15th birthday. And two weeks after they got divorced, my dad started dating this girl Amy. And I haven't talked to my dad since. And they're married and everything now.

[Caller with similar experience]

And I just.

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

He just totally shut me and my Brother out.

[Co-host 1]

Is that your stepdad or your biological dad?

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

My biological dad.

[Host]

Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a totally different level, too, there.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Yeah.

[Host]

I mean. And I mean, those scars don't go away when your dad makes a decision like that. I mean, that's tough to live with right there. So, Brittany, if you were going to give Kim advice on what to do and what to say to this guy that is the father of her child, what would you say as a. As a girl that's going through this whole thing?

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

Well, her daughter's only seven. Right. Well, he just needs to get in that girl's life, because, I mean, I'm 17, I'm a senior in high school, I'm about to graduate, and he's not coming to my graduation. He's already told me he doesn't want to come to my wedding. You know, all the big stuff he doesn't want to come to.

[Host]

I'm sorry. Honestly.

[Brittany (Caller with similar experience)]

And, I mean, she just needs to seriously talk to the dad and just be like, you may not realize it now, but once that girl gets older, you're going to regret it.

[Host]

Absolutely.

[Co-host 4]

Well, he needs to make a decision now. She's seven years old, either in or out. So I think you need to have the discussion with him on whether he wants to make the full commitment.

[Host]

Hey, Michael. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller Eugene]

Hey, Bert.

[Caller Michael]

How are you guys doing?

[Host]

Good, thank you.

[Caller Michael]

My quick comment is I agree with Jeff. This will probably turn into a big issue, but I think that it will turn into a huge thing. But what she should do is establish the fact that he's not her biological father before it gets later in life and she kind of figures it out for herself if everything goes sour, as, you know, teenagers are emotional, she's gonna hold it against her. She doesn't tell her sooner or later.

[Co-host 1]

I think that's true. I think that maybe he. He and his counselors were more correct in saying that it was time to tell her that he's not her biological father.

[Host]

But you didn't feel like the timing's right on this?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

No, not yet. I was thinking she was too young. I mean, of course, eventually we're gonna tell her, but, I mean, I still want him to be a part of her life is what I was trying to get him to see. Even though.

[Host]

Do you think that if his wife said was totally okay with it, he would be in her life, or do you think that he just would choose not to be in it anyway?

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

I think he would, because, I mean. I mean, I would, I could have, like, years ago, I could have, like, bet any amount of money that this guy would like, never ever, like, abandoned my daughter like that. Because, I mean, he loves her. Like, he was, she was his own, like, and not until he got married, like, because we lived in a situation like, I always treated him as, you know, she. He was her dad. So I never thought of him as anything else. So I had to kind of remind myself, like, okay, yeah, he's not really her biological father, but I mean, that's the only father she's known.

[Host]

I only have time for a couple more calls here. Good morning, Eugene. You're on Q100.

[Caller Eugene]

Hey, what's going on, guys?

[Host]

Hey, what's up?

[Caller Eugene]

Everything that's going on and, you know, everybody talking about what the mom should do, the new mom, the old mom, but nobody's talked about what's best for the seven year old yet. I haven't heard, you know, what is best for her at this point in her life. When you think about that, you know, with him not telling her, entering, keep standing part of her life or exiting her life right now, what is best for the daughter. You know, the mom keeps talking about talking to the wife and talking to the new boyfriend or they need to sit down. But are they talking about what's best for the daughter?

[Co-host 3]

What do you think is best for the daughter?

[Caller Eugene]

I. What I think is best is for everybody involved, all of the adults involved, to come together and let the daughter know what the deal is. Because this man, if he's new with his wife, if he's married again, he can't put a strain on that relationship because it's going to cause a strain with your relationship with his daughter. So maybe this is the time for him to let the new boyfriend take over as a dad.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Oh.

[Caller Eugene]

I mean, she's young, you know, she's already having issues where he's having to sneak out to see his daughter. You know, he's having to leave his wife to go see his daughter.

[Co-host 4]

I don't know if I necessarily agree with that because what if she changes boyfriends again? Then you're gonna be changing dads.

[Co-host 2]

I don't think you could be swapping out dads, but I understand what he's saying that. I mean, it sounds harsh, but the dude's not the dad. And the dude's in a situation where he's not gonna be allowed to be a dad. And there's 100 variables that are gonna prevent him from being the dad.

[Host]

Maybe it is time to have that Conversation. Here's Patrice. Good morning. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller with similar experience]

Good morning. I just had to call because I went through this exact same scenario 10 years ago with my husband. We started dating, and maybe a year, not even a year after we started dating, he brings this kid around, and he's like, this is my son. And I'm like, okay. And by this time, you're thinking about

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

a future with someone, and you're like,

[Caller with similar experience]

okay, I don't have kids. I'm thinking, he doesn't have kids. So when we have kids, they'll be our kids. It'll be a first for both of us. And I think what his wife is feeling is that it's not a first for them. And now that she found out that this child isn't his, it's like, okay, now we have a chance for that to be. Be our first.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

We got to have a child together,

[Caller with similar experience]

and it's our first. So I went through that whole thing, and I promise you, I tried my best to make this child feel like it was not a problem that he was in our life, and that was it. Although I knew he wasn't my husband's biological child, but deep down, I tell you, I resented it. And I think eventually, as he got older, he saw it, and I totally regret it now. I mean, he's. Like I said, he's an adult. He's in college now. And I try my best to make it up and, you know, to make it seem like, okay, he is my child. You know, I accept him. But, you know, I know that he sees the difference in how I treat my son and how I treat him, and I totally feel bad about it. But you go through these emotions, and you have these emotions that nobody can understand if they're not in the situation, you know? So I totally understand what she's going through with this whole situation.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

But first off, she needs to let

[Caller with similar experience]

that child know that that's not her biological father. That's the first thing, because that's what my husband had to do with his son, you know, and it's hard. It's not easy. And she's expecting this woman to just embrace this child, and she will not be able to embrace this child and

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

make this child feel like her. And I know people probably think that's

[Caller with similar experience]

harsh to say, but it's so hard when, you know, I can't. I don't know if I'm explaining it right or not.

[Co-host 2]

Awesome.

[Host]

Hey, Cam. Most are calling up saying the same thing, that even though the daughter is Seven years old. It's time to have the talk. That's your safety net right there.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

Okay, well, I just wanted to, like, remind you guys, too, that his wife didn't know that, you know, she wasn't his biological child.

[Co-host 2]

Doesn't matter.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

She was okay in the beginning, you know?

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, that doesn't matter.

[Co-host 3]

Yeah. I think, to be fair to that

[Caller Michael]

daughter, it's not about the wife.

[Co-host 3]

That's not her father.

[Host]

Right.

[Co-host 4]

She needs to know now. Sooner the better.

[Host]

That's the first piece of advice most are giving you.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

So then I shouldn't try to pursue a relationship, them having a relationship anymore?

[Co-host 4]

You should pursue the relationship. She needs to know now rather than find out when she's 14, 15 years old in high school.

[Co-host 3]

But go into it educated because Jen was talking about how it's up to him to have to make that commitment. And then you just heard the caller talk about how that new wife is resenting her. So just go into it knowing the obstacles you face, you know, and then make that decision.

[Host]

Kim, we gotta run.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

All right.

[Host]

I hope this helped a little bit.

[Co-host 2]

Wish you the best.

[Kim (Caller with the situation)]

All right.

[Co-host 1]

Good luck.

[Host]

Good luck. She didn't sound like she liked it.

[Co-host 2]

I hate you guys because you didn't like your advice.

[Host]

She didn't like that at all.

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