Vault: Shocking News Audio: Strange Injuries

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Shocking News Audio: Strange Injuries

Date: August 5, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show team

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the lighter but undeniably awkward side of life: accidental (and sometimes not-so-accidental) intimate injuries and encounters, focusing on strange "injuries" reported in the news and audience experiences with unwanted close contact. The hilariously candid conversation, peppered with classic Bert Show humor and listener participation, highlights how people navigate and react to these cringeworthy moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Shocking News Audio: Sex-Related Injuries in the News

• [01:30] The show opens with Bert and co-hosts sharing and reacting to clips from local news anchors struggling to report on sex-related injuries.
  • Miami News Anchor Clip [01:48]: Report details sexual injuries, including "pulled hamstrings to fractured penises." The anchor warns, “So consider yourself warned...” and the studio dissolves into laughter.
    • “Everything from pulled hamstrings to fractured penises...” (Miami News Anchor, 01:50)
  • The team laughs about the anchor losing composure and discusses how such news would be hard for anyone to report without cracking up.

2. On-Air Bloopers: Anchors Going Off Script

• [02:29] Another news blooper is played—this time featuring a male anchor from New Orleans handling a story about a sex-related medical shot (the "G shock").
  • The anchor dryly wraps up, “Susan, who you met in our story, says that is one appointment she is not gonna miss because she says it worked for her.”
    • Co-host quips, “So she’s enjoying penis a little bit more, is she?” (Co-host Melissa, 03:14)
  • The team riffs on how news anchors deal with awkward lines and the unintentional humor these moments produce.

3. Studio Culture: Embracing the Inappropriate

• [04:49] The Bert Show team pokes fun at how their own humor wouldn’t fly in regular workplaces:
  • “If we ever got jobs in real offices, we would all be fired in three minutes...” (Co-host Jeff, 04:51)
  • They mention their in-studio tradition: “There is a bell that you’re supposed to ding if you say anything—red light because it’s so funny.” (Co-host Wendy, 05:10)

4. Listener Email – The "Junk Press"

• [05:22] The show reads a listener email about her first experiences with the "junk press."
  • Definition: When a man presses his crotch (junk) against someone—seemingly by accident, but sometimes on purpose.
  • The email details two incidents:
    1. Massage Incident – The therapist rests his groin in her cupped hand while she’s face-down.
       • “The massage therapist rested his junk right there in her upward facing hand.” (Co-host Jeff, 06:48)
       • “That is not an accident.” (Bert, 06:55)
    2. Salsa Dance Incident – Instructor positions her knee in a way that his junk sat on it.
    • The team debates if these moments are accidental or calculated, generally being more suspicious of the massage therapist's intent.

5. Expanding the Discussion: Breast Press and Dance Moves

• They recall related terms like the “breast press” (or “boob press”), and how these moves create ambiguous social situations.
  • “Now, I have gone to hair stylists that I’m really very confident that…do the boob press on you.” (Co-host Jeff, 10:12)

6. Listeners Call In with More Unusual Encounters

• [08:54]
  • Allison shares: She had a coworker who did the “grab and hug,” slipping a hand onto a woman’s chest during a close hug.
    • “He would actually hold you really close ... one of his hands would actually be on your chest while he was hugging you close.” (Allison, 09:04)
  • Jamie describes: Women using the “crotch rubber” move at bars.
    • “A girl comes up next to him trying to…flirt…and she’s constantly rubbing her crotch against his knee.” (Jamie, 09:36)

7. Closing Riffs

• The cast jokes about turning these awkward encounters into “events”—their tongue-in-cheek take on stranger-than-fiction social moves.
  • “I think we promote that at our next Bert Show event…with lots of crotch rubbing girls and guys.” (Co-host, 10:25)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Everything from pulled hamstrings to fractured penises.” (Miami News Anchor, 01:50)
• “So she’s enjoying penis a little bit more, is she?” (Co-host Melissa, 03:14)
• “If we ever got jobs in real offices, we would all be fired in three minutes...” (Co-host Jeff, 04:51)
• “The massage therapist rested his junk right there in her upward facing hand.” (Co-host Jeff, 06:48)
• “That is not an accident.” (Bert, 06:55)
• “Hold it like a little bird.” (Co-host, 06:54)
• “A girl comes up next to him... constantly rubbing her crotch against his knee.” (Caller Jamie, 09:36)

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Notable Listener Participation

• Allison (08:54): Describes the “grab and hug” maneuver at work—unwanted physical contact disguised as a friendly gesture.
• Jamie (09:36): Introduces the concept of the “crotch rubber,” illustrating that these situations can go both ways.

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Tone & Style

• Authentic, humorous, and playfully irreverent, the Bert Show approaches these awkward stories with both incredulity and shared laughter. They maintain a welcoming, open environment for listeners to share their own wild, real-world experiences. Jokes and banter soften the edge of the cringe, making the episode entertaining while gently calling out questionable behavior.

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Summary

This Bert Show episode offers a funny, unfiltered look at the strange world of accidental (and sometimes not-so-accidental) intimate injuries and close encounters. Through hilarious news audio, candid studio conversation, and open listener calls, the team sheds light on these odd, universal experiences—making listeners laugh, cringe, and perhaps question the intent behind some up-close moments in their own lives.

Transcript

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[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

You're on the Burt Show.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Okay, Melissa, you'll appreciate this. This is from a Miami news anchor last night doing a story on. I think it was. I think it was sexual injuries. Do you hear this?

[Burt]

Yeah, I think it was a. Is it injuries or is it a device? Is some kind. But it's some report on something that has to do with sex.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Emergency room workers say the injuries are

[Ryan Seacrest]

run of the mill.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Everything from pulled hamstrings to fractured penises. Injuries tend to happen most when people get intimate in unusual places or try unusual things. So consider yourself warned. Sorry. People are cracking up in here. Pull me right back.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Then they got. Then they got a cut to cry.

[Burt]

Then he got lost.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

I would do the same thing.

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Later on we're going to do a audio of a anchor who shocked his co host with using the word penis when they were doing a story about some kind of sexual device.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

I actually have it.

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

Do you?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Uh huh. This is a guy in New Orleans that they were talking about this sexual device and this news anchor never even breaks character. Like, I don't think he realizes how unprofessional he was just for a second because he picks up his papers, like, right after he says it, and he's like. And then tries to move on to the next story. But listen to the words.

[Burt]

And the G shock costs about $1,200. And doctors say it is safe, but for some reason, it just doesn't work on. For more information on tonight's story, go to abc26.com beautybreakthroughs and guys, the shot lasts between four and six months. And Susan, who you met in our story, says that is one appointment she is not gonna miss because she says it worked for her.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

So she's enjoying penis a little bit more. Is she?

[Burt]

She is. She's enjoying her sex life a little bit more. She and her husband.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

There's proof then.

[Burt]

Thank you, Michael, Agnes, I hope those doctors are ready for some serious business. I agree. I think the phones are going to be ringing.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Yes, they will, everybody.

[Burt]

I mean, because it's a female segment reporter and his female co host, and they're just like, why did you say.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

What did you just say? Let me play it again. Let me play it again for you guys. Because now you. Now you know it's there, all right? It's at the very tail end of this. And he, again, I mean, he, like, is just using some of his ad living skills.

[Burt]

And I was smiling. And the G shock costs about $1,200. And doctors say it is safe, but for some reason, it just doesn't work on everyone. For more information on tonight's story, go to abc26.com beautybreakthroughs and guys, the shot lasts between four and six months. And Susan, who you met in our story, says that is one appointment she is not gonna miss because she says it worked for her.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

So she's enjoying penis a little bit more, is she?

[Burt]

She is. She's enjoying her. Her sex life a little bit more. She and her husband.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

There's proof then.

[Burt]

All right, thank you, Michael.

[Co-host]

I agree.

[Burt]

I think the phones are going to be ringing.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Yes, they will.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Yes, they will. But I don't realize yet why.

[Burt]

I have a meeting in the boss's office. What?

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

Why?

[Co-host]

Why?

[Burt]

What did I do?

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

That's something you say in the office. You don't say that while you're talking.

[Burt]

I've never been in.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Jeff and I joke about this all the time, that if we ever got jobs in real offices, we would all be fired in three Minutes we become

[Co-host]

like bank tellers because we all try

[Burt]

to one up each other with our

[Co-host]

gross out humor, like our shock value humor. Because we don't make each other laugh anymore unless it's shocking.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

And you can only do it in the studio. Even outside those doors, it's not even cold.

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

There is a bell that you're supposed to ding if you say anything. Red light because it's so funny. And then give yourself a point over in the promotions office. So you're supposed to say something inappropriate and get on this board with a little check mark. The more check marks, the better it is.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Yeah, try that in your accounting firm today. This is an email that we got sort of on the same subject here. It says, dear Burt, show listening every morning. And I have since high school. Anyway, in the past I've heard you guys discuss the junk press. Been a while since we talked about the junk press.

[Co-host]

Yes, it is a complicated move.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Do you want to explain exactly what that is?

[Co-host]

Well, it's just when a man presses his junk against you, really it's on purpose, but. It's on purpose, but sort of seemingly on accident.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

It's in a situation where it could like it could be in a crowded bar.

[Burt]

He's trying to get past you.

[Caller/Listener]

Pardon me?

[Co-host]

I'm reaching over you across the table.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Right. All right. But the end result is the dude's got his junk pressing up against you.

[Burt]

Correct.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

After we talked about this the first time, we realized that there's a breast press also. Boo press. But this one is all about the junk press. Alright. Anyway, in the past I've heard you guys discuss the junk press. 24 years old and never had it happen to me until last week.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Twice.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

And I think they were both accidents, but I can't be sure is what she writes. First one was while she was getting a massage.

[Co-host]

Oh, that's intentional, you think?

[Burt]

Absolutely.

[Co-host]

Yes, yes.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

She explains pretty well what happened. She says she's on her stomach with my hands down on my side in that position. Your hands are kind of cramped curled up in a cup shape.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Well, the massage therapist rested his junk right there in her upward facing hand.

[Co-host]

Hold it like a little bird.

[Burt]

That is not an accident.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

It's no accident.

[Co-host]

No, he placed it right there.

[Burt]

He had a lift up.

[Co-host]

He wanted her to hold on.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

She says she didn't do anything about it.

[Co-host]

Here, hold these while I work on your shoulders.

[Caller/Listener]

Exactly.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Hold on to my tar balls.

[Co-host]

You guys have a set. I mean, you would know if that was touching somebody's hand.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Yes, for sure.

[Co-host]

Okay, I'll put my cheesy peen right

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

here on your hand.

[Co-host]

I'm going to act like it's an accident, but I know it's there.

[Burt]

You paid for that service, right?

[Co-host]

Now I'm going to tickle you so you make a fist. Oh, yeah.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

She says, I thought maybe it was just an accident, but when I look back, maybe it wasn't. And then she says, it happened again. She went to happy hour a few nights ago.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Yes, she did.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

This week, the bar brought in a salsa dance instructor. He was teaching all the ladies how to do some salsa moves. Mostly just group stuff, except for at the end, he takes me and positions me in a way that his junk sits right on my knee. I swear he didn't do that move with any of my friends. Just coincidence? Or is the bircho just making me paranoid? Thanks again for all the laughs in the morning.

[Burt]

See, that's the beauty of the junk press is the fact that it makes you question. See, it's a way a guy can be creepy without you realizing it.

[Co-host]

But salsa dancing, you are really close together, right? I mean, Wendy, you would probably know this better than anybody else, kind of,

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

but I'm trying to think of a move that they do that even.

[Co-host]

Because your leg was in between his.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

That's what I was thinking.

[Co-host]

I don't fault the salsa guy nearly as much as I fault the massage therapist.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

But because the dance guy, it's more questionable than the masseuse. Dude, you know what you're doing there?

[Co-host]

I think so, too. Yeah, I think the dance. The dancer might have accidentally done it, Wendy.

[Burt]

And all the moves because you've been in a dance studio probably every day for the past two months. Have you ever had the junk on you,

[Co-host]

Wendy? You ever get that junk on you while you're dancing?

[Burt]

You got the junk on you.

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

Well, there's some moves that you have to be close, but in salsa, I'm trying to think because you're pretty far apart. I don't know where your knee's going.

[Co-host]

Did you ever do the pasa Noble Cheesy Peen?

[Co-host (possibly Wendy)]

It's a new one. I haven't tried that.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Allison, Good morning. You are on the Burt Show.

[Caller/Listener]

Hi. I worked with a co worker that used to do. It's called the grab and hug. And he would actually hold you really close, and you wouldn't realize that one of his hands would actually be on your chest while he was hugging you close. So not only the junk, but they'll fill you up, too.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

So he's got you like, sort of by the both hands, by the back behind your shoulders.

[Caller/Listener]

He put one hand in front of you on your chest, and then he would hug you close with your other one. You were so close, you never knew that he had his hand on you.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

That's an advancement.

[Co-host]

I've actually tried that maneuver several times with hobby. But she's always like, what are you looking for?

What are you doing? There's nothing there.

You trying to borrow a pen?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Jamie, Good morning. You're on the Birch Show.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hi.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, there's the girl who's called the crotch rubber. And basically it's when a guy sitting at a bar, a girl comes up next to him trying to, you know, flirt with him a little. And she's constantly rubbing her crotch against his knee.

[Co-host]

And where can I meet her?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Right outside the pony.

[Caller/Listener]

Why would you want to meet this girl?

[Co-host]

It's cool.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

I don't know that I have ever witnessed the crotch rock rubber.

[Caller/Listener]

I've witnessed it a few times and sometimes it can be on accident, but there's definitely those intentional crotch rubbing girls.

[Co-host]

Ew.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

Now, I have gone to hairstylists that I'm really very confident that the bluepress. Do the boob press on you?

[Burt]

Absolutely.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

There's no need for your boobs to be. Well, there is a need.

[Co-host]

That could be our best.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff)]

It's not warranted.

[Co-host]

I think we promote that at our next Birch show event, like the pool party, the midnight swim with lots of crotch rubbing girls and guys.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Put it on the flyer.

[Co-host (possibly Melissa)]

Yeah, listen, it's the vert show.

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