Vault: Short Cuts To Simplify Your Life

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – "Vault: Short Cuts To Simplify Your Life"

Date: June 9, 2026
Host & Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & entire Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

In this lively and relatable episode, The Bert Show crew dives into life hacks and clever shortcuts designed to simplify hectic daily routines. Drawing inspiration from a Cosmopolitan magazine article, the hosts debate and share their own tips, field listener calls with real-world examples, and bring plenty of humor and authenticity to solutions for saving time in shopping, getting ready, transitioning from work to play, and more.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Daily Time Crunch (01:02)

• Main Theme: Everyone feels busy, and simplifying routines is more important than ever.
• Host Insight:
  • Bert: “Anytime we can find a shortcut, it’s a good thing because I think everybody’s just got really, really busy days all the time.” (01:02)
• Hosts discuss how morning routines, particularly for women (hair, makeup), eat into valuable sleep time, and even shopping feels like a chore.

2. Shopping Shortcuts – The “Waist-Neck” Jeans Trick (01:55 – 05:32)

• Cosmo Tip: To check if pants or a skirt fit without trying them on, wrap the waistband around your neck. The circumference of your neck is about half your waist size.
• Reaction: The panel is intrigued and amused; they imagine listeners will immediately try it at home or work—“I think that is fascinating.” (02:20)
• Listener Call – Jennifer: Confirms (04:22) the trick worked perfectly for her in a store and that she’ll skip trying on jeans from now on.
  • Jennifer: "I thought, oh my God, this is so great. I don’t ever have to try on pants anymore." (04:50)
• Clarification: Button the pants, wrap around neck; if the ends touch, they’ll likely fit your waist.

3. Quick “Polished” Looks for Surprise Meetings (02:47)

• Cosmo Tip: For a last-minute meeting, slick hair back into a ponytail and add bronzer/nude lip gloss for a professional look.
  • “I always forget about ponytail looking professional.” (02:47; Bert)

4. Speed-Reading Work Reports (03:19)

• Cosmo Tip: Read only the opening and closing sentences of each paragraph to quickly glean key info.
• Debate: Is this effective? Hosts recall similar college advice, and Cassie shares a story about a classmate hiding the phrase “Mickey Mouse loves Donald Duck” in a paper to test if the professor would notice—the professor did! (03:39)
  • “That is like a speed reading thing.” (04:03, Bert)

5. Cutting Salt for Fast Water Weight Loss (05:33)

• Cosmo Tip: Ditch salt-heavy foods to quickly fit into “skinny jeans” for the weekend—though the effect is only temporary.
• Host Pushback: “That’s one I’d have a problem with. I like salt.” (06:16, Cassie)
• Discussion: Processed foods are loaded with sodium, making water retention worse.

6. Home Décor Hacks – Enlarging Small Spaces (06:28)

• Advice: Hang large mirrors or one big piece of art to make spaces appear larger and airier, especially ideal for apartment dwellers.

7. Day-to-Night Outfits: Transitioning From Office to Party (07:15)

• Cosmo Tip: Dress in layers; shed a blazer for a night out. Add a bright scarf or inexpensive hoop earrings to elevate the look effortlessly if you can’t go home to change.

8. Shoe Sizing Shortcut – Listener "Moni" (07:41)

• Listener Call: To check shoe fit without trying on, hold the shoe against your forearm (wrist to elbow); if it matches, it fits.
  • Moni: “If you’re tired of trying on shoes, you can hold up the shoes to your forearm from your wrist to your elbow. It should fit your size.” (07:50)
• Host Reactions: They joke about memorizing shoe sizes and differences among brands. “Different designers, different sizes.” (08:10)

9. Applying Self-Tanner – The Dryer Hack (08:19)

• Cosmo Tip: Use a hair dryer on low for 5-10 minutes after self-tanner application to speed up drying.
  • “This is something I always do.” (08:31, Cassie)
• Avoids waiting naked for the tanner to set—“You don’t want to get it on your towels.” (08:38, Bert)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Waist-Neck Trick:
  “So you take the jeans and the waist and you put it around your neck... and if each hip touches, you know, where your thumbs are, then it works.” – Jennifer (05:04)
• On Salt in Processed Food:
  “You ever check the ingredients on... ramen noodles? Salt, bread, salt, salt water, and then a little bit of chicken broth.” – Cassie (06:19)
• On Shoe Sizing Hack:
  “If you’re tired of trying on shoes, you can hold up the shoes to your forearm from your wrist to your elbow. It should fit your size.” – Moni (07:50)
• On Blow Dryer with Self-Tanner:
  “Blow dry your face, blow dry your bod, anything. It’s awesome.” – Cassie (08:46)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:02 – The daily time crunch and need for shortcuts
• 01:55 – The waist-neck jeans sizing trick
• 02:47 – Quick fixes for last-minute professional meetings
• 03:19 – Speed-reading work documents
• 04:22 – Listener Jennifer confirms the jeans trick works
• 05:33 – Cutting salt for quick water weight loss
• 06:28 – Decorating small spaces with mirrors/art
• 07:15 – Day-to-night fashion hacks
• 07:41 – Listener Moni’s shoe sizing forearm trick
• 08:19 – Drying self-tanner with a hairdryer

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Final Notes

This episode is packed with genuine, hands-on advice that the cast and listeners debate, poke fun at, and sometimes wholeheartedly embrace. The Bert Show’s open, relatable tone and playful banter make these shortcuts feel worth a try—and they might just save you a little time (or at least provide a good laugh).

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Everybody's got a really packed schedule, so anytime we can find a shortcut, it's a good thing because I think everybody's just got really, really busy days all the time. I feel like that. Do you guys feel like that?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Oh yeah. Time is precious.

[B]

And I always talk to my friends about this too. I could sleep another probably 45 minutes if I didn't have to get up and do my hair and put on makeup and all that kind of stuff. Or some of my girlfriends wish they could work out before work in the morning, but women have to do the blow drying and the getting ready and everything else. Like, it's just, there's just more to do.

[D]

The same with shopping. Like, you don't want have to try everything on in the store because you don't only have a limited amount of time to spend.

[B]

Exactly. So Cosmo has this list of sneaky shortcuts that simplify your life.

[D]

Oh, cool.

[B]

So there's a bunch of them on this list. There's about 13 of them. I think some of them are. Some are good and some are bad. You tell me what you think.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

If, if you think these Will would actually work for you. They say you have to know if something fits without having to try it on. Kind of what you were talking about with shopping. They say that the circumference of a person's neck is roughly half the width of his or her waist. So if you hold up a pair of pants or a skirt, you can hook your fingers inside of the waistband and pull it and then wrap it around your neck. So how tight or loose it is indicates about how tight or loose it would be around your midsection.

[D]

I think that is fascinating.

[C]

Really do that one more time.

[B]

Okay. So if you held up some pants. Right, right. And you wrap them around your neck and if it fits that way, because it's about half, then it would probably fit around your waist.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

So that saves a bunch of time.

[E]

That's interesting.

[B]

So you could kind of see how

[E]

many people tonight are gonna take their pants off and then go, wait a second.

[B]

Does this really work? What do you mean?

[D]

Tonight they're doing in the office right now.

[F]

Huh?

[C]

Okay.

[E]

One of those pants off offices for women.

[B]

They say if your boss calls them a last minute meeting and you need to look more pulled together than you were that day, that you should smooth your hair down with a brush or comb and pull it back with a headband or into a low ponytail because that looks like put together smooth and professional. And I always forget about a ponytail looking professional. Like, I always think that, like her hair has to be down and whatever else, but messy. Yeah. Sleek back ponytail. They say that's the way to go. And also you can brush on some bronzer and some nude lip gloss if you need to pull it together really fast and look good for a meeting that you weren't expecting.

[D]

I think that's a great idea.

[B]

Okay. Also, this is the one I don't really agree with. It says speed. Read a ton of work related reports. Okay. This is their Cosmo shortcut. It says read only. Only the opening sentences and then the closing sentences of each paragraph that you have to get through. This is like cheating on a study time. I agree with that.

[C]

But I've had somebody gave me this advice in college also and said, do the same thing. And they suggested that teachers do the same thing when they're reading your papers. So a roommate of mine tested the theory one time and in his paper he just wrote Mickey Mouse loves Donald Duck in the middle of the paper somewhere, thinking that the professor wouldn't catch it. Sure enough, he got it. He nailed it.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, he got busted.

[C]

He got busted for It, Yeah.

[B]

Okay. But he was trying to test out this theory. But yeah, that is like a speed reading thing. And they're saying you can speed read a ton of work related topics if you read the first sentence and the last sentence of each paragraph instead of everything in between.

[D]

That'll actually be a good paper to write something about. Like just see if it works.

[C]

Speed read through your speed reading paper.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Hey, Jennifer, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[F]

Good morning.

[C]

Hey.

[F]

So I totally was in the dressing room the other day over the weekend, and I was trying on a pair of jeans and my husband was there. And so I went outside the dressing room and asked him, you know, what do you think? Or whatever? And they were kind of tight. So I'm like, oh, I don't know. Well, there was a girl in there, she was like, well, you know how to try on a pair of jeans without having to actually try them on, right? And I said no. And she told me that trick about doing it around your neck. It totally works.

[B]

It does.

[F]

And I was, because I had never heard that before and I thought, oh my God, this is so great. I don't ever have to try on pants anymore.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

So you take the jeans and the waist and you put it around your neck.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And if there's any room there whatsoever,

[F]

is this their buttons? Like you button them up as if you're gonna, you know if they're on.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And you take one end, like where your hip would be, and then you take the other end for your other hip and you wrap it around your neck. And if each hip touches, you know, where your thumbs are, then it works.

[E]

It fit perfectly.

[B]

If it's because it says the circumference of a person's neck is roughly half the width of his or her waist, that's great. Yeah. Isn't that wild?

[C]

Save you a ton of time.

[B]

Definitely. We all want to fit into our skinny jeans by the weekend. And the shortcut, they say, is to cut out the salt, because anything with salt in it loaded with sodium, Sodium makes you retain water. And so if you cut out anything like the, like the, you know, whatever they say here, like potato chips, any of the processed foods like canned soups or frozen meals. I know a lot of single girls are constantly, like, warming up, you know, Lean Cuisines or whatever it is, those have tons of sodium in it. So it's gonna make you retain water and actually not be able to fit into your skinny jeans. So they say you can drop some water weight quickly and be able to zip your skinny jeans by Saturday night. But as soon as you return to your usual meal plan, just realize that that weight's gonna come back on again.

[C]

Right?

[D]

That's when I'd have a problem with. I like salt.

[C]

You ever check the ingredients on, like,

[E]

ramen noodles, salt bread, salt, salt water, and then a little bit of chicken broth?

[C]

That's it. There's like 1400 milligrams of salt.

[E]

And the chicken broth is salty, but

[B]

it tastes so good. They say you can change the vibe of your living space without spending a lot of time or money, especially if you live in a small place. And I was taught this years ago from a friend who is an interior designer. But it's to hang really large mirrors and really large mirrors in places where you'll see them, and they reflect other portions of a bigger side of the room or the house or the apartment because it creates the illusion of more space. So big mirrors, or instead of buying a lot of artwork, one huge piece of artwork is much better off than getting a whole bunch of different things. So one big piece of artwork or one huge mirror will help you. Let's see. Other sneaky shortcuts. They say to go from daytime office to evening party. Ready. Make sure you dress in layers.

[D]

This is what I need.

[B]

Layer it all up. And then, like, if you had, like, like, say, like, a blazer on over a shirt and some slacks or whatever at work, then you can take the blazer off. And they say to dress it up with, like, a bright colored scarf or to cruise through, like, the drugstore and get, like, a new pair of, like, really cheapy hoop earrings or whatever you can. That. That'll help you dress it up for nighttime. If you don't have a chance to go home. In between the office and going out,

[C]

Monty has a trick for shoes.

[B]

Oh, good.

[C]

Hey, Moni.

[F]

Hey, Good morning.

[C]

How are you?

[F]

How are you guys?

[C]

What's happening?

[F]

How are you guys?

[B]

Good.

[C]

Good. Thank you.

[F]

Well, I would tell the shoes. If you're tired of trying on shoes, you can hold up the shoes to your forearm from your wrist to your elbow. It should fit your size.

[B]

That's cool.

[C]

So you never have to put them on your feet. You just put them right up to your forearm.

[E]

Do you think just memorizing the size of your chew.

[F]

Whoa. Yeah.

[C]

It's different sometimes.

[B]

Different.

[C]

Sometimes different designers, different sizes.

[E]

Yeah, it's not that different

[B]

sometimes.

[C]

And a half. Yeah, half could change everything. Yeah.

[B]

One of the last little sneaky shortcuts to simplify your life. They say if you're applying self tanner, once you've put it on, put on the hair dryer on a low setting for like five to 10 minutes. It'll dry really quickly and you can get dressed faster.

[D]

This is something I always do.

[B]

I love it.

[D]

Even if you have the can spray that you can spray on really quick, take the blow dryer immediately. Cause it's like that. Like you'll be tan instant.

[B]

Because otherwise you have to walk around the house nude for a little while while the self tanner sets in and dries. You don't want to get it on your towels. Like, stand there and wait.

[C]

So blow dry your face, blow dry your bod, anything. It's awesome. Nice. I love the, the. The shoe one and the waist one.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because there's nothing more annoying than having to go in and out of the dressing room over and over and over.

[D]

It's the worst.

[B]

This is the Birch show.