Vault: Short people should date short people

Summary

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The Bert Show: "Vault: Short People Should Date Short People"

Date: June 24, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Wendy, various show commentators and callers
Theme: The comedy and controversy surrounding height preferences in dating, centering on whether short people should "stick together" and the challenges and quirks of mismatched height couples.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into a surprisingly passionate debate about dating and height: Should short people stick with short people, and tall people with tall people? Host Bert, representing the "short man" perspective, playfully argues that "heightism" is real—and that everyone would be happier if "fun size" stuck with "fun size." The conversation includes personal stories, wide-ranging banter from cast and callers, and some self-deprecating humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Case for “Short People Solidarity”

• Bert is obviously a short guy and feels strongly about this topic:
  • He jokingly says tall men are taking all the dating opportunities from short men by dating short women.
  • Quote:

    "When you're 5'4, 5'5, 5'6, the pool of short chicks for us to hang out with is pretty shallow. So if you're a dude that's 6'7, leave our women alone." – Bert (01:12)

  • He insists this isn't about other forms of discrimination—just the "injustice" of tall and short people dating.

    "I don't think white people should just be with white people. I don't think black people should just be with black people. But I am very, very strong in the short tall thing." – Bert (02:00)

2. Wendy’s Confession: “I Like Tall Guys”

• Wendy, who is 5'3", recently dated a guy who is 6'7".
• She reveals she's only dated men over six feet and feels most comfortable attracted to tall men.

  "I haven't gone out with anybody that was under six foot." – Wendy (03:16)

• Wendy doesn’t think she’d feel secure dating someone shorter than herself.

  "No, because I would feel… really big." – Wendy (07:33)

3. The Limited Dating Pool for Both Tall Women and Short Men

• A caller and commentators empathize with both short men and tall women, who both struggle to find partners within their height range.

  "I have a friend who is over six foot tall... she felt like she had less of a pool. Especially if tall guys... date short girls." – Commentator (02:35)

• The show jokes about “heightism” and how everyone likes to feel “little” when dating someone much taller.

4. Social Perceptions and Insecurities

• Bert shares anecdotes about his own insecurity dating taller women.

  “I dated Debbie Pierce… she was like 4 or 5 inches taller than me… I saw our reflection in a storefront window... I broke up with her the next day.” – Bert (06:11)

• He admires men who are confident enough to date taller women.

  "That's a secure dude right there... I could never pull that off." – Bert (06:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert on tall men dating short women:

  "If you're 6'7, it's an embarrassment of riches. You can have girls 5'8… Leave our women alone." (01:14)

• On the high heels advantage:

  “That didn't help. The high heels thing is what is awesome about dating a tall guy, right? You can wear high heels and they're still taller than you.” – Commentator (04:31)

• Tiny hands tangent:

  "Wendy's got little hands, and any guy likes that." – Advertiser/Sponsor Voice, tongue-in-cheek (03:51)
  "That's why I can tell you, as a short guy, you want to find short girls with small hands." – Bert (03:58)

• How do you even kiss a much taller person?

  "If he's 6'7 and you're 5'3, how does it even work?" – Bert (05:03)
  "I have a step stool. No, you just kind of make it work." – Wendy (05:11)

• Playful suggestion:

  "You could teach him to drive, you know, and then for the rest of your life, he'll know that the first time he drove a car was with you." – Advertiser/Sponsor Voice, on dating a much shorter man (07:37)

• Bert asserts his “territory”:

  "A guy walked in there that was shorter than me, and I purposely sat next to him... This is my house, buddy. You want some?" – Bert (07:52)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Bert introduces the topic, complains about “tall guy theft” – 00:42–01:20
• Wendy reveals she's only dated tall men – 01:53–03:16
• Callers and co-hosts discuss the shortage of “in-range” partners for both tall women and short men – 02:35–04:10
• Humorous exploration of why height matters (high heels, feeling “little”) – 04:31–04:43
• Bert tells story of dating a taller woman and feeling insecure – 06:11–06:35
• Playful hypothetical on dating someone shorter than Wendy – 07:25–07:37
• Bert claims the throne as shortest guy at the restaurant – 07:52–08:08

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Tone and Style

The episode maintains the Bert Show's trademark blend of humor, irreverence, and personal stories, approaching a sensitive social topic (“heightism”) in a self-aware and lighthearted way. Bert’s semi-serious crusading for “short guy rights” is balanced by the others poking fun at him and highlighting that attraction is more complicated than just height.

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Summary

This fun episode offers insight into how height factors into modern dating, from personal insecurities to social perceptions. The tongue-in-cheek advocacy for “short people solidarity” is filled with lively debate, playful banter, and vivid stories from both hosts and listeners. Ultimately, everyone seems to agree: while people may have preferences, attraction is messy—and jokes about height are only funny because everyone, tall or short, knows what it's like to stand out.

Transcript

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[Bert (Short Man)]

In terms of pie, this is the Birch Show. Wendy, I got a problem with your. The guy that you're going out with.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

Oh, dude, leave her alone.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

Who?

[Bert (Short Man)]

The dude. The dude that you had the date with yesterday.

[Commentator / Friend]

Why?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Well, I only know one thing about him and I don't like it at all. Wendy, how tall are you?

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

I'm five three.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

Oh no.

[Bert (Short Man)]

How tall is he?

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Six seven.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

What?

[Commentator / Friend]

Wow.

[Bert (Short Man)]

I don't like it.

[Commentator / Friend]

He's really tall. Dang, girl.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

I know. So I get to wear all my really tall high heels.

[Bert (Short Man)]

It's not cool. It's not cool for. It's not cool for him. It's cool for you. It's not cool for him. And I'm coming from a short man's perspective here. When you're 5 4, you're 5 5. You're 5 6. The pool of short chicks for us to hang out with is pretty shallow. Okay? So if you're a dude, that's six seven. Leave our women alone. Leave our short chicks alone. Short chicks should be with short dudes. And if you're 6 7, it's an embarrassment of riches. You can have girls. 5, 8, 5, 9, 5, 10, 6, 2, 6, 4. But you should leave the short chicks to the short dud. Well, you should be with a short man.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

We're not in a relationship. We went on one date, so he.

[Commentator / Friend]

You don't even think dating should be allowed?

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

No.

[Bert (Short Man)]

And this doesn't cross racial lines either. I don't think white people should just be with white people. I don't think black people should just be with black people. But I am very, very strong in the short tall thing.

[Commentator / Friend]

You're. You're like height. What would. Instead of racism, it'd be like heightism.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Well, he says he.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Yeah, I don't know what to call fun. Size should stick with Fun size.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

I like being fun size.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

Is that what you call yourself instead of short?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Yes, it's fun size.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Or bite size.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

What if me and Kevin Smith want to be fun size?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Wow, that's a lot of relationship right there.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

No, he says he doesn't normally go for short girls. But, I mean, it was just one date, so we'll see.

[Commentator / Friend]

But, Bert, I'm guessing that tall women feel the same way that you do that. Because I have a friend who is over six foot tall and she feels like she has less of a. You know, or she has a boyfriend now, very serious one. But in the dating world, she felt like she had less of a pool. Especially if tall guys taller than her totally empathize with her dating short girls. She's like, hey, wait a second.

[Bert (Short Man)]

6. One should date 6, 7. The pool is really, really shallow. Very tall and very short. So on behalf of all the short dudes, I think what you're doing is. It's betrayal.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Well, I can't help what I'm attracted to. I'm just attracted to tall guys. If you're tall, then how many short

[Bert (Short Man)]

guys have you gone out with? Have you really, really tried?

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

I haven't gone out with anybody that was under six foot.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Well, there you go. Once you go short, you'll never go back.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

So I should try dating somebody who's like 5 6?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Yes, you absolutely should give her a try.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

The only person I know is you. I can't date you because then that's weird.

[Bert (Short Man)]

It's not gonna work on a couple of different levels, but there's gotta be.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

What about that Larry Wags guy? That tall seat perfect.

[Commentator / Friend]

Married.

[Bert (Short Man)]

He's five eight. Brandon's five eight. Is five' eight too short for you?

[Commentator / Friend]

Come on.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I like tall guys. I don't know what it is. It's just.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

I don't know.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

What, like petite and small? If I was a tall guy, I would appreciate that. Cause Wendy's got little hands, and any guy likes that.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Well, that's why I can tell you as a short guy, you want to find short girls with small hands.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

Well, you just. Why don't you just get somebody in those Burger King commercials?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Hey, Chrissy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

Hey.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Hi.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

I've got to agree with you, Bert. I'm like five nine, borderline five' ten. And I've always dated guys who are my same height. Just because there's, like, tall guys are so hard to find. Luckily, I found like a six Foot six guy that I've been dating for the past year. But regardless, it's so hard to find a tall guy. No, I'm serious. I don't want to wear flats every time we go out. That sucks.

[Commentator / Friend]

Yeah, that didn't help. The high heels thing is what is awesome about dating a tall guy, right? Is that you can wear high heels and they're still taller than you.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

And you feel like little. You feel like a girl when you date, like a really tall guy who can like just like be next to you.

[Commentator / Friend]

It does make you feel more, but

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

you feel like if that guy's six seven, six seven. Like you have to feel like the mouse that the dude in the Green Mile held onto. You know what I'm saying? Like he could pick you up and put you on his shoulder.

[Commentator / Friend]

Mr. Jingles or something.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

Yeah, Mr. Jingles. The little mouse that played with the dressing.

[Bert (Short Man)]

How do you even kiss? I mean, physically, if he's 67 and you're 5 3, how does it even work?

[Commentator / Friend]

She has a booster seat.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

I have a step stool. No, you just kind of make it work. I don't know.

[Bert (Short Man)]

It can't be comfortable. You need to date short guys, okay?

[Podcast Host / Advertiser]

Today.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

And say no more dates.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

Well, don't you have. Why don't you just ask around at your next meeting? Don't you guys all get together?

[Bert (Short Man)]

Yeah, but it's an anonymous meeting. Hey, Jason. Good morning. You're on Q100. Okay. You have got the voice of a tall person.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

Yeah, I'm six seven. My wife's five.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Yeah, see, I can't condone this.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

And it works out for you guys, right?

[Commentator / Friend]

5 2.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

We've been married for three years and we have a three foot two year old little boy.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Damn, he's as tall as I am. It's just, I don't blame her. Cause I know tall women. I mean that short women, you know, have this. They want to be with tall guys. But six seven and five two. The five two, your wife should have stuck around for a guy. Five four, you have. You have drained the short pull. And it sucks for guys like me.

[Commentator / Friend]

Would you ever date anybody taller than you when you were dating?

[Bert (Short Man)]

I did it one time, okay? I told you guys about this. I dated Debbie Pierce, who was. She was quite. She was like 4 or 5 inches taller than me. I thought I was secure enough to do it and all. Things were good, man. We were hanging for like two or three weeks. I mean, we even dabbled in relationship from time to time. And then we went shopping one day together, and I saw our reflection in a storefront window, and she was so much taller than I was. I broke up with her the next day.

[Commentator / Friend]

You couldn't handle it.

[Bert (Short Man)]

I couldn't handle it because my friend

[Commentator / Friend]

I was telling you about, the one who's 6 foot and her sister's 6 foot 2, they're both in relationships with guys that are shorter than them and totally. Really? Yeah. Not like a huge difference, but enough that you can definitely tell a difference when they're standing next to each other and they're totally fine with it. I actually totally in love with somebody shorter than her.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Short guys that date tall women. In all honesty, I. I'm. I think it's amazing that you can have that kind of security and actually do it, because I've tried it and I couldn't do it. So when I see a guy that's dating a taller woman, that to me says, that's a secure dude right there. That's pretty impressive because I could never pull that off.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

And if you reverse it, I mean, I'm a. Like a 5:3. And so if I date someone my height or shorter, I mean, it's the same thing, the same comparison. It's just weird.

[Bert (Short Man)]

You can't even find somebody shorter than you. A dude.

[Commentator / Friend]

I wonder if we could, like, a

[Bert (Short Man)]

guy that's 411 or 5 foot.

[Commentator / Friend]

How tall are you, Wendy?

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

Five three.

[Bert (Short Man)]

Would you date a guy five two? Not a chance. Just be honest.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

That'd be funny.

[Wendy (Woman Dating Tall Men)]

No, because I would feel dating, like, secure and really big.

[Advertiser / Sponsor Voice]

But think about. You could teach him to drive, you know, and then for the rest of your life, he'll know that the first time he drove a car was with you. And I don't mean that, like, in a sexual innuendo way. I mean, literally, you could give him his learner's permit and take him to the DMV for his driver's test.

[Bert (Short Man)]

I was at Asia on Saturday night with Stacy. We were eating, and a short. A guy walked in there that was shorter than me, and I purposely sat next to him, just.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

No, you did not.

[Bert (Short Man)]

I did. I purposely pulled up a chair right next to him.

[Tall Man (Caller)]

That's awesome.

[Bert (Short Man)]

This is my house, buddy. You want some?

[Commentator / Friend]

I have some.

[Bert (Short Man)]

I'm five three. This is the Birch Show.

[Podcast Host / Advertiser]

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[Bert (Short Man)]

It was amazing.

[Podcast Host / Advertiser]

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