Vault: Should they wait until marriage to move in?

Summary

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The Bert Show Podcast Summary

Episode: Vault: Should they wait until marriage to move in?
Date: June 25, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the classic relationship dilemma: Should an engaged couple move in together before getting married, or stick to tradition and wait until marriage? Joanna, a member of The Bert Show's staff, brings her personal situation to the table, sparking a lively and heartfelt debate among the cast and listeners. The conversation explores cultural, financial, emotional, and familial factors influencing this decision, with personal anecdotes and a range of opinions from callers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Joanna’s Dilemma: To Move or Not To Move?

• Background: Joanna and her fiancé Jason have been in a long-distance relationship—she’s in Atlanta, he’s in Columbus, Georgia (stationed in the military). He’s about to move to Atlanta to attend Emory.
• Core Issue: Joanna has always insisted on not moving in with a partner before marriage, but now that they’re engaged, she questions if engagement changes things.
• Family Pressure: Jason’s family holds traditional values and wouldn’t approve of cohabitation before marriage—Joanna wants to respect their perspective.
• Desire for Meaningful Milestones:

  “I want there to be something different. I want there to be a difference between dating, engagement, and married.”
  — Joanna (02:58)

• Financial Concerns: Living together would be the practical choice financially, but Joanna is torn between convenience and her values.

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Weighing Family and Personal Values

• Respecting Future In-Laws:

  "I want his parents to respect me as a lady and as a woman, as the person who’s gonna be with him for the rest of my life."
  — Joanna (02:36)

• Host & Panel Reactions: There’s consensus that respecting Jason’s family is important, but also that Joanna’s desires matter.

  “What decision would you regret the most?”
  — Joanna (04:48)
  Joanna’s answer: Disrespecting his family.

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Tradition vs. Modern Practicality

• Impractical Choices for Meaning:

  “Sometimes you just have to do things that aren’t practical in order to carve out your life the way you want it to be.”
  — Jen (04:10)

• Financial Reality: It’s acknowledged how impractical it is to pay for two apartments when the couple would spend all their time together, but several cast members believe the principle is more important.
• Host’s Take on Marriage Stats & Traditions:

  “Practical and traditional isn’t working in our country. So I’m a big old fan of forging your own way.”
  — Bert (04:25)

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Caller Perspectives

Cautionary Tale: Living Together After Marriage Can Backfire

• Jessica’s Story [05:34]:
  Got divorced after discovering incompatibility post-marriage since they’d never lived together. Encourages cohabitation before marriage to know the “real” person and avoid surprises.
• Jen’s Counter:
  She did live with her ex before marriage and would not do it again—personal outcomes frame personal advice.

Celebrating Tradition: Waiting Built Strong Foundations

• Laurie's Story [08:49]:
  Waited until marriage to move in, still happily married after 10 years. Even built a house that sat empty until the wedding:

  “That’s a story that we tell our two kids now ... it was a sweet engagement. It was a nice courtship.”
  — Laurie (08:54)

• The cast discusses how living at home with parents can be justified if done with a goal (like saving for a wedding or furniture).

Financial & Emotional Practicality

• Rachel’s Story [11:17]:
  Moved in with her now-husband quickly (for financial reasons), still happily married. Recommends living together for personal growth, but also suggests a hybrid solution (split time between homes) for those who want to avoid full cohabitation pre-marriage.

Regret from Being Too Traditional

• Dion’s Call [13:34]:
  Dion and husband didn’t live together before marriage (to please parents), now regret the unnecessary expense and stress:

  “...just do what feels best for you, because that really probably would have been best for us. But we were thinking about everybody else.”
  — Dion (14:33)

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Cast Reflections & Consensus

• Long Distance Factor:
  Jumping from a long-distance relationship to full cohabitation can be a “culture shock” [07:06].
• Living Together Is Not Always the Solution:
  Bert, as a child of divorce, felt strongly he needed to live with his spouse beforehand; for others, tradition means more.
• Judgment Is Inevitable:

  "We all love to judge. Whatever you do, you screwed up for somebody else to judge you."
  — Joanna (15:43)

• No One-Size-Fits-All Answer:

  "The only right answer is what's right for you and Jason ... advice is such crap when it comes to relationships."
  — Bert (15:15)

• Anecdotal Advice = Biased:

  "Everybody’s advice is going to come from their personal experience ... So really what it comes down to is do what you want."
  — Jen (15:49)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If it’s what you’ve always wanted, I think you stick to it, regardless of both rents." — Jen (04:10)
• "The more impractical the better." — Bert (04:25)
• "I think that I would regret disrespecting his family." — Joanna (04:55)
• "I’d love to see the statistics on couples who were long distance and then moved in together ... I don't think that percentage is gonna be good either." — Joanna (13:21)
• "Do what you want to do." — Bert (15:15)

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Important Timestamps

• Joanna explains her situation: 01:07 – 03:23
• Consequences of breaking tradition: 03:23 – 05:15
• First caller, Jessica, argues for living together pre-marriage: 05:34 – 06:23
• Panel discusses pros and cons of different approaches: 06:23 – 08:49
• Laurie’s story of waiting to move in: 08:49 – 09:47
• Bert and panel reflect on changing attitudes and gender expectations: 10:28 – 11:09
• Rachel’s story of moving in for practicality: 11:17 – 12:22
• Dion expresses regret over choosing tradition for others: 13:34 – 14:48
• Show consensus: Do what feels right for you: 15:15 – 16:08

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Conclusion

The episode explores all sides of the moving-in-before-marriage debate, concluding there is no universal right answer—only what feels right for the couple, based on values, family expectations, finances, and personal comfort. Every perspective—from tradition to modern practicality—is thoughtfully aired, leaving listeners with the message that personal conviction and communication matter most.

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Transcript

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[Bert (Host)]

The Bird show so Joanna, if she wasn't working on the staff, might email us because she's in a sort of an awkward position right now.

[Joanna]

Okay.

[Grant]

Yeah. So you know, Jason and I have been dating for two years now and Jason's my fiance, in case you guys didn't know. But we've been dating. Not boyfriend, but yeah, my fiance, I'm wearing his ring. We live two hours away from one another. He lives in Columbus, Georgia because he's still stationed down there and I live here in Atlanta. Well, when he, he's getting out of the army and he's getting out this summer and he's going to go to school at Emory and it's awesome and I'm really excited for him. But one of our biggest conversations lately is do we move in with one another when he moves here in the summer? Because I've had this, I've been telling him from day one, I don't want to move in until we're married. Okay, so now we're engaged. Is that the same as being married? But I don't want to compromise what I've been standing and saying. Not till we're married. Not till we're married. Engagement to me. Does that say I can move in with him now or should I still wait until we're married?

[Bert (Host)]

What was your reason behind not wanting to move in with each other up until now?

[Grant]

Well, there's a couple of reasons, you know, one, because of his side of the family, they're very like strict about that. Like you don't live with one another until you get married and Granted, I shouldn't really care what his side, his family, thinks or whatever.

[Jen]

Because I think you should.

[Joanna]

Yes. You have to respect him.

[Jen]

I'm glad that that's important to you,

[Grant]

and it's very important. But some people say, well, it should be what you feel, and don't.

[Joanna]

Not when you're marrying him.

[Grant]

Right. And I want his parents to respect me as a lady and as a woman, as the person who's gonna be with him for the rest of my life.

[Joanna]

Because they're gonna be your family, too. It's not just his parents. This is your family now, Grant.

[Grant]

Right. Well, they do live out of town, so it's not like they would know if we did live together.

[Bert (Host)]

You don't want to deal with that.

[Joanna]

They would know and you would figure it out. But even more important, you said. But what you want is to. What? You're married.

[Grant]

Yes, because I want there to be something different. I want there to be a difference between dating, engagement and married. You know, I want the next day to pack up all my boxes and move into a place together so we can start that life together and our journey together as a married couple. I don't want it to go from living together, getting married, and still the same, you know, I know it's gonna be the same, but I want there to be something different.

[Joanna]

Well, my thought is that you have a say, maybe in where he lives and where he moves to to attend Emory, and then that you just know that that's the place that you'll move into once you're married, you know? But I don't see why you have to move in with him when he moves to Atlanta.

[Grant]

Well, because of financial reasons. Because financially it would help him and I out if we live together. It just. I don't know if it makes sense for us to both be renting two apartments but spending most of our times at one location.

[Bert (Host)]

But you're not renting now, right? You're back in with your folks, still

[Grant]

live at home, I mean. But I don't plan on still living there by next May. You know, I don't think I could do that.

[Jen]

You're thinking about moving up your engagement, your wedding date?

[Grant]

I wish I could, but no, we can't, because we're paying for it ourselves, so we need that time to save as well.

[Jen]

Yeah, I think it's a good idea. If it's what you've always wanted. I think you stick to it, regardless of both rents. I mean, sometimes you just have to do things that aren't practical in Order to carve out your life the way you want it to be. It doesn't always have to be practical. So stay with your parents till you get married.

[Bert (Host)]

In fact, I'd say the more impractical the better because again, I mean when you look at statistics when it comes to marriage, most of them aren't working out. 60% of them aren't working out. So practical and traditional isn't working in our country. So I'm a big old fan of forging your own way.

[Joanna]

Well, she's being impractical to end up

[Jen]

being to be traditional.

[Joanna]

Traditional. But I think, yeah, I agree with Jen because like, yeah. What decision would you regret the most?

[Grant]

I think that I would regret disrespecting his family.

[Joanna]

Then that's the don't do.

[Jen]

Regardless of the sacrifice you have to make, either paying rent for yourself and for him or staying with your parents, that year will fly by and then all of a sudden it'll be a blip on the radar that something that you guys had to pass through for

[Joanna]

the next year because eventually you won't be in financial trouble. And then in the future be like, God, if I had. It was only a year. Jen said it was only a year. If I could have just sacrificed so that I got what I wanted and I could tell my children this story. What, you know, whatever makes you proud to tell because obviously that is something

[Bert (Host)]

you wanted, you know, Here is Jessica. Good morning, Jessica, you're on the Burke Show.

[Jessica]

Hey guys, what's up? Joanna, in all honesty, and I'm in no way saying that this is going to happen to you and I really hope it does work out for you, I got married to my now ex husband. We did not live together before we moved in or before we got married. We moved in together and realized we could not live together.

[Grant]

So how long did you date?

[Jessica]

We dated for a year beforehand. So you've got time on me, but you don't. I've realized you don't really know a person until you move in with them. You can see them in their at home life and everything like that. Plus it will kind of help you with finances if you're sharing a place. That way you're not putting so much into your rent. He's not putting into his rent. You can put just one rent, you have more to put away.

[Jen]

Well, as somebody who also has been through divorce, I think you always want to do the opposite of what you did the first time around. So you know, whereas that, that's your advice because you guys didn't live together, and then living together, you found all these problems. I would say the other way around. Like, I did live with my former husband before we got married. And if I got married again, I wouldn't want to live together. So you just don't want to repeat, you know, repeat something you feel like was a mistake or you want the pattern to be different the second time around. So I would say be careful on taking advice from somebody you know. And that's why I didn't give you my personal take on it, because it comes from my personal experience. It's like your decision should be based on what you hold dear, the values you. You hold near to you, what's important to you. With regard to his family.

[Joanna]

And another thing that came to mind is that this has basically been a long distance relationship up until this point. So I also think that, I mean, mainly based on what you want in your life, which is not to move in until you're married, but also the fact that going from long distance to moving in is a culture shock because he's been in Columbus and you've been here, so you haven't spent every day together, day in and day out. So there's a part of me that thinks there should be a transition where he lives in town, but you don't live together into.

[Jen]

It's a very good place.

[Bert (Host)]

Yeah, we're gonna, you know, we could take a hundred calls on this and we'd get opinions on both sides. You know, for me, I think because I came from a divorced marriage and my parents, it was an ugly, ugly divorce. Like, as a kid, I needed to be secure. Like, if I was getting into marriage, it was going to be one. One time and one time only. So I had to live with Stacy before I married her. I needed that peace of mind. But, you know, like I said, we're going to take 100 calls here. 50 people are going to agree. 50 are going to say no.

[Grant]

Well, I'd like to say that everyone says, oh, you don't really know someone until you live with them and you don't know their habits. I'm not oblivious to Jason's bad habits. I know they're there and I just. And I accept them. So it's not like I'm gonna move in with him and then realize he's a messy person. I know that I go there on the weekends and I see how messy he is. I know that I'm gonna have to throw out all the rotten food he has in the refrigerator. Cause he hasn't Done it for a month. I'm not afraid of that.

[Bert (Host)]

Do you know he downloads porn seven hours a day?

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Yeah.

[Grant]

Cause I see it all the time on his computer.

[Bert (Host)]

That's the kind of thing that you might find out. You don't know.

[Grant]

I don't know.

[Joanna]

Just like, it's all so, duh. Don't make assumptions.

[Bert (Host)]

Hey, Laurie. You're on The Burt Show, Q100.

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[Laurie]

Hey, you guys. Oh, my goodness, Joanna, I applaud you.

[Rachel]

I did it.

[Laurie]

My husband and I have been married 10 years now, and we did not move in before we were married. We held out. We even built a house. No one moved into the house. The house sat still for a month because it was done before our wedding date. And that's a story that we tell our two kids now that, you know, we. It was a sweet engagement. It was a nice courtship. When you get married, you're going to go through an adjustment period. Everybody's not going to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect, honey, because Jason's going to probably tell you about some things. That

[Bert (Host)]

concept is so foreign to Joanna that she might not be perfect.

[Joanna]

She doesn't understand that part of the

[Laurie]

adjustment period that's going to be so wonderful and that's going to solidify your love for him and his love for you. So hold out. Wait a year. A year. I mean, people make it too, too easy. Hold out. I mean, you enjoy the courtship.

[Bert (Host)]

Thanks, Laurie.

[Joanna]

And, you know, I've in the past been publicly critical about people who live at home, except in the recession. You get a pass on the recession, but unless you're planning on something, and this is something big, this is your marriage. Because my best friend growing up did the same thing. She did. It wasn't building a house, but they had an apartment that sat empty, and then they saved money to buy furniture in that time to go into that apartment, and as they were planning their wedding, so that on their wedding night, that is where they went before they took their trip somewhere else. So, I mean, I do think that's cool.

[Jen]

You know, that's a great idea.

[Joanna]

So if you lived at home and you are saving money for a specific purpose, which is to furnish someplace or for your wedding, whatever, I think that's justified. You know, I don't know if this

[Bert (Host)]

helps or not, but I know looking back at it now, I mean, I've been married 13 years now. 13 years. Same woman, 16 years. And looking back at it now, it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other had we moved in with each other beforehand or not looking back at it, man, it seems so foreign to me. It just wouldn't have mattered, really.

[Joanna]

Is it different for a guy, though, in what you want before your wedding day?

[Jen]

Well, I think there's less pressure on a guy of being judged.

[Joanna]

Right, right.

[Jen]

Like, you know, the families or whatever I feel like are gonna judge the woman in that decision more than they're gonna judge me by.

[Joanna]

Not to take credibility away, what you said, but I'm just wondering if Stacy has the same opinion.

[Bert (Host)]

I don't know. We could get her on. I don't think she listens to this morning show. Hey, Rachel, good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Good morning, guys.

[Joanna]

Hey.

[Caller]

I just want to say, like, when I met my husband, we were both in a foreign country and it was definitely rent wise. It was much cheaper to live together. And so we started living together two weeks after we even met each other, which is crazy, but. And then when we moved to Atlanta, we kept on living together. And we've been, I mean, we went through the whole engagement living together. And then we got married and we're still married now, and it's going great. And I just, I personally recommend it just because you grow. I mean, getting married, then all of a sudden living together and learning everybody's habits. I mean, you can, it's an adjustment period and to. You have these high expectations and you build yourself up to your wedding day and then all of a sudden you, you know, you're living, you have all this, I guess, like the wedding blues. And when people live together for that, for all of a sudden, and then they just get freaked out and they have all these fights. And I just think it's such a great idea to know what it's all about. And if she's already living at home, just stay there maybe and kind of live part time with him and then live part time at home. That way it's not a full time commitment at his place.

[Bert (Host)]

I've got the solution. Move him in with your parents and live there for your entire marriage. Maybe that's what we need. That'll help the divorce rate.

[Grant]

My mom does like baking him cakes and stuff, so I think he would like that too. But her point is valid about if you guys do fight and have an argument in the. That's a little different than arguing two hours away. So if you live together, you have to deal with that. Where do you go? Do you stay in the house when you argue? Do you go to separate rooms? Do you separate on that point, that's

[Joanna]

gonna happen anyway, though. You're gonna fight anyway.

[Grant]

And we had that conversation just the other day. I said, well, what's gonna happen when you move here? Does this mean. Do I still only see you on the weekends? Like, it's weird. Like, I don't know what the next step is. And I said, and if we fight, are you allowed to kick me out, or do we have to, like, work it out? Like, I don't get it. I don't know what to do.

[Bert (Host)]

I can understand the desire to have that kind of. What's the word I'm looking for? Just that kind of excitement that you don't know is part of the excitement on why you probably shouldn't move in with them now. Like, learning how to do those things when you're married to me could be exciting also.

[Joanna]

I just think it'd be too much of a culture shock. I gotta be honest with you. I think that there's so many couples. I think I would love to see the statistics on couples who were long distance and then moved in together, because I don't think that percentage is gonna be good either.

[Bert (Host)]

I don't know. Hey, Dion. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Rachel]

Hi, Bert. How you doing?

[Bert (Host)]

Okay. Thanks for calling. What's up?

[Rachel]

My husband and I just had this very same conversation, and we were talking about it just the other day. We're happily married with two children, and we did the traditional thing. We didn't live together before we got married, and we regret it because his job was, like, five minutes down the road from my apartment. And he went and bought a condo just so that we could, you know, stay safe in front of both of our parents and, you know, because they're more traditional. And we look back on it, and we're just like, that was crazy because we could have saved so much money. And it was just to. Just to appease them. And I feel like you should start your own family culture, because you never know. I mean, his sister is now getting ready to move in with some guy, and nobody's saying anything. And we have kids. And we were thinking, traditionally, your grandparents are around and help you out. They're not helping us out. So it's like to, you know, just go away, do away with what you think that other people might think, and just do what feels best for you, because that really probably would have been best for us. But we were thinking about everybody else.

[Jen]

Don't you think, though, that it set up the relationship with your future in laws that you respected them and you respected their wishes. So you enter into that family with their respect.

[Jessica]

Right?

[Rachel]

We entered into that family with respect and expectation, though they had expectation of us and we had expectation of them. And so I don't necessarily, I mean, everybody's happy. Go lucky. But our expectations weren't met and we tried so hard to meet theirs.

[Bert (Host)]

There really is no right or wrong answer. The only right answer is what's right for you and Jason. You know, advice is such crap when it comes to relationships. It really is when it comes to relationships. You know, we had Traci on earlier this morning and we were talking about how she was mothering. Do you have the child in the bed with you or not? It is all crap because you're so unique. She's unique, Scott's unique, their child is unique, you're unique, Jason's unique. And it's a unique situation. Do what you want to do.

[Joanna]

But we all love to judge. Whatever you do, you screwed up for

[Grant]

you to judge me.

[Jen]

Everybody's advice is going to come from their personal experience. If their experience and the way they did it is working for them, that's their advice. If they went through it and it didn't work for them, they're going to give you the opposite advice. So really what it comes down to is do what you want.

[Bert (Host)]

Yeah. And if people listen to me and did what they wanted and didn't care about advice, we would have no show. So let's not go with that theory.

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