Vault: Some People Feel Like Her Relationship Doesn't Count

Summary

The Bert Show — Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: Some People Feel Like Her Relationship Doesn't Count
Date: June 1, 2026

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives deep into the challenges couples face when merging holiday traditions, specifically centering on host Birch's struggles to carve out special Christmas time with his partner Katie amidst demanding family expectations. The conversation explores the emotional complexities of creating new traditions in a blended, divorced-family dynamic, the toll of people-pleasing, and the lessons learned after a hard-won holiday compromise.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Christmas Dilemma: Setting New Traditions

• Background:

  • Birch and Katie have been together for four years but have never managed to celebrate Christmas just between themselves—holiday time is always split among extended families due to Katie’s divorced family and Birch’s out-of-town relatives.
  • The main desire is to establish their own Christmas tradition, separate from family obligations.
    • Birch: "We have never had a time during Christmas where it was just, you know, myself and Katie... we kind of lose ourselves." (00:46)

• The Challenge:

  • Katie’s local, divorced family leads to multiple gatherings; Birch’s family being out-of-town adds more journeys.
  • Birch tries to advocate for dedicated time for just him and Katie on Christmas Eve, but resistance arises from family members with prior plans.
  • Katie's nature as a "people pleaser" makes establishing boundaries difficult.
    • Birch: "People pleasing in the family means that she doesn't necessarily stand firm ground with her family." (03:46)
    • Co-host: "She doesn't have boundaries for her time." (04:00)

The Compromise & The Cost

• What Happened:
  • After negotiation and pushback, Katie manages to secure 8pm to midnight on Christmas Eve exclusively for Birch.
  • However, this victory comes at a cost—Katie arrives "war-torn" and exhausted from family fallout, which impacts the experience.
    • Birch: "By the time she got to me... it was almost as if, you know, if you fight a battle, a soldier wants to, you know, take a shower, get some sleep..." (04:20)
    • Birch: "She was a little tired, a little war torn by the time we got there... It's a first step to where we fought for this. We had a good Christmas Eve." (04:29)

Reflections & Lessons Learned

• Quality vs. Quantity:

  • The hosts reflect on the difference between "winning" time together versus achieving the quality time desired.
    • Co-host: "You got the hours that you wanted but you didn't get the quality time that you wanted." (05:14)
    • Birch: "...there was this haze of Katie was still distracted because she felt like she was disappointing other people by being there with me that night." (05:19)

• Looking Ahead:

  • The group discusses the hope that next year will be easier if the new tradition sticks.
  • Birch expresses gratitude for Katie's effort and acknowledges the emotional toll.
    • Birch: "I commend my soldier for going in there and fighting it. We had Christmas Eve together...it was very nice." (06:05)
    • Co-hosts joke about pushing for even more exclusive time next year:
      • "So next year, you're going to back it up to seven. You're going to get a little more real estate." (06:47)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Juggling Family Obligations:
  • "She's got, you know, potentially four different not only one parent, the other parent, but the other set of grandparents, the other side of grandparents." — Birch (01:36)
• On the Meaning of Tradition-Building:
  • "If we're gonna start our own tradition, then we need to establish when she and I have our own Christmas time." — Birch (01:36)
• On Emotional Costs:
  • "It was good quality time, but...there was this haze of Katie was still distracted because she felt like she was disappointing other people by being there with me." — Birch (05:19)
• On Next Steps:
  • "It's a first step to where we fought for this...and hopefully it will be a tradition." — Birch (04:29)
  • "I commend my soldier for going in there and fighting it...We had Christmas Eve together and we exchanged gifts." — Birch (06:05)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:46 – 03:01: Birch details the family complexities and the battle to establish Christmas Eve as couple time.
• 03:01 – 05:11: Hosts discuss the fallout of the negotiation, Katie’s people-pleasing, and the emotional costs.
• 05:14 – 06:47: Reflection on the difference between getting the time and really enjoying the time; insight into Katie's exhaustion and hope for making the tradition stick.
• 06:47 – 06:57: Light-hearted speculation about expanding their "real estate" (time) for next year.

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains a conversational, honest, and empathetic tone, blending humor with authenticity. Co-hosts tease each other lightly while also providing supportive perspectives, making the deeper emotional insights more relatable.

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Summary prepared for listeners who want the heart of the conversation—without missing the nuance, lessons, and personalities that made it memorable.

Transcript

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[Host (possibly named Birch)]

The Birch show well, we didn't have to cancel Christmas in the Carter household, but it certainly was an issue before we went on vacation. We, Katie and I were having issues regarding Christmas because Katie and I have been together four tomorrow and we have never had a time during Christmas where it was just, you know, myself and Katie where it was just us exchanging gifts and the whole family knew about it. Because I had mentioned last year, actually last year being 2008, that Katie and I for Christmas, I kind of left it up to her on how she was going to plan the time for, you know, herself and myself. And it ended up that we exchanged gifts, I think on December 28th because she comes from a divorced family. So it's late. Yeah, it is. I mean, there's. It wasn't Christmas Eve. It wasn't Christmas Day.

[Co-host or Guest]

It does take you out of the spirit of things when it's that late, doesn't it?

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

And I'm. Yeah. And I just feel like, well, if we're gonna start our own tradition, then we need to establish when she and I have our own Christmas time. And because like I said, she comes from a divorced family, which means that she's got, you know, potentially four different not only one parent, the other parent, but the other set of grandparents, the other side of grandparents. And so it's just she's tra and they're all fortunately local so she doesn't have to go out of town for it. But my family's out of town, so it's us juggling almost three different trips to go visit family and then we kind of lose ourselves. Okay. So. Oh. So right before we left, like Bert said, I was in tears even the night before the show because Katie and I had an argument on the Fact that I was trying to fight for some time on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

[Co-host or Guest]

And ideally if Katie Jo gave you exactly what you wanted, what would that have been going into Christmas?

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Well, you know what? Ideally it would have my family was Christmas evers like we opened gifts on Christmas Eve and did everything Christmas Eve. So I'm fine with Christmas Eve. I'm starting to wonder though if Christmas morning would be nice for us.

[Co-host or Guest]

That's prime real estate right there.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Christmas morning to wake up together to do, you know. Cause I've never done that with my family.

[Co-host or Guest]

So have like breakfast in bed and

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

have your kids and you start Christmas together. But that's not, that's, that's a non designated, that would not be Melissa designated time because that's a grandparents time. So and that's just been tradition that it's been at the one grandparents home Christmas morning. That's it.

[Co-host or Guest]

So ideally you want Christmas morning but that's not going to happen Christmas Eve.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

So Christmas Eve was my request and so I said just everybody understand that Christmas Eve is ours. We cannot be interrupted. It was just, it started as casually Christmas Eve to become to where there was a timeframe where Katie had to put 8pm to midnight on Christmas Eve was her request to her family that that was the time that she had with me. Now there was a lot of conversation that went on because it wasn't just a matter of her being able to say hey, I'm doing Christmas Eve from 8 to 12. Because then there was one family member who had already had dinner planned that night. So that was going to throw them off and then some. It just is almost as if everybody started bringing up what the problems that caused for their families rather than you know what, that's okay Katie, why don't you go ahead and have that. Because Katie is a people pleaser and I learned that, you know, people pleasing in the family means that she doesn't necessarily stand firm ground with her family.

[Co-host or Guest]

She doesn't have boundaries for her time.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Correct.

[Co-host or Guest]

It's about their time.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Correct. So what happened? Well, we did have Christmas Eve. We did have Christmas Eve from 8 until 12. So I got what I wanted. I will say though in hindsight I got what I wanted. I got what I wanted.

[Co-host or Guest]

You have however, eyes on

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

you fight for something and you know how in your mind something that you think is going to be ideal. It was wonderful. We had a great time. But it's almost as if Katie had just gone through a war with her family just to get that time. So by the time she got there, it was almost as if, you know, if you fight a battle, a soldier wants to, you know, take a shower, get some sleep, and then be able to rest after that battle's fought. Well, by the time she got to me, it Christmas Day hadn't even started yet, you know, with her, you know, Tour de Atlanta of the family. So, yeah, so she was a little tired, a little war torn by the time we got there. So it wasn't, you know, for me, I felt like, well, this is. It's a first step. It's a first step to where we fought for this. We had a good Christmas Eve. It was just the two of us, and hopefully it will be a traditional keep it. And we have to keep it.

[Co-host or Guest]

You gotta keep that going.

So I'm not quite understanding. You got the hours that you wanted, but you didn't get the quality time that you wanted.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Well, it was good quality time, but it was just. There was this haze of Katie was still distracted because she felt like she was disappointing other people by being there with me that night. And the whole point was to have the solid quality she and I time.

[Co-host or Guest]

You want her to anticipate the time with you with some sort of excitement, like bringing all this, like, really great energy, like, oh, I can't wait till 8:00 clock starts. Not like, oh, everything ends at 8:00 clock, and I can sort of flop

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

on the couch with Melissa. Right. And the thing is, I mean, and so that's what I'm thinking in hindsight, it was more about her mentally than her physically. And I think that I saw in that moment that what I was asking for was. Yeah, exactly what Jen just said. And it wasn't quite there, but I felt like we're building upon that, that next year she'll know that that's a

[Co-host or Guest]

little easier next year.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I'm certainly not. I'm certainly not being unappreciative of the battle we fought and that Katie mainly fought and that I got. But I will say that, yes, and I got a lot of emails from people who deal with this every single year that it is exhausting and it shouldn't be. But I mean, like, Katie right now is sick in bed because I think she wore herself out from stress all day long. And she is so sick, bless her heart, that I feel like once she was able to relax and let her guard down. And then it hit sounds okay. So I commend my soldier for going in there and fighting it. We had Christmas Eve together and we exchanged gifts and we had time just with us and our little animals. So it was very nice.

[Co-host or Guest]

So next year, you're going to back it up to seven.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

You're going to get a little more real estate.

[Co-host or Guest]

Don't do it. Not next year.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I think you should. I'm not going to say it on air, but you know what, Jen? Wink, wink.

[Co-host or Guest]

It's already started.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

The Birch Show. Hey, everybody.

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