Vault: Soon To Be Newlywed Game

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – "Vault: Soon To Be Newlywed Game"

Date: July 2, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast
Episode Theme:
A lighthearted, competitive Newlywed Game at an annual chaotic bridal gown event, where soon-to-be-married couples compete to win exclusive shopping time before the rush.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the Bert Show's annual bridal gown sale event, where hundreds of brides flock to snag their perfect dress from thousands of options, often before they've even been sorted. The main event is the "Soon To Be Newlywed Game," a playful contest between two engaged couples to see who knows their fiancé(e) best. The winning couple earns prioritized, solo entry into the gown racks ahead of the crowds—a big deal given the high stakes of wedding dress shopping.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Tradition of the Bridal Gown Sale

• Event Context

  • Massive yearly sale with 2,000–3,000 bridal gowns in no particular order ([01:29]).

  • Brides line up hours ahead, sometimes sending their grooms to hold a place ([01:41]).

  • This year, a groom in line at 8:30 AM earns admiration from the hosts for his commitment.

    “He gets points on that one. That is a good man.” – Co-Host 1 ([02:01])

    “That's commitment.” – Co-Host 2 ([02:03])

• Contest Motivation

  • The Soon To Be Newlywed Game gives the winning couple early access to the racks, avoiding chaos and competition, allowing them to find the dress in peace ([02:34]).

Introducing the Couples & The Game

• Couples Competing: Paul & Emma, Jordan & Alyssa ([03:10])

  • Emma & Paul’s wedding: Feb 26
  • Alyssa & Jordan’s wedding: Aug 22

• Game Format:

  • The grooms answer questions about their brides; brides’ answers were pre-recorded ([04:14]).
  • Correct answers earn points—whoever scores the most wins access.

Q&A Highlights from the Soon To Be Newlywed Game

Bridesmaids & Maid of Honor Questions

• "How many bridesmaids, including the maid of honor, does your bride have?"

  • Jordan: 4 ([04:29])
  • Paul: 5 ([04:32])
  • Both correct ([04:41])

• "Who is your bride’s maid of honor?"

  • Jordan: Heather

  • Paul: Katie

  • Both correct ([05:03])

    “They’re paying attention.” – Co-Host 3 ([04:46])

Dress & Color Preferences

• "What is the main color of the dress your bride wants her bridesmaids to wear?"
  • Jordan: Black (Correct) ([05:21])
  • Paul: Pink (Correct)

Guest List, Budget, and Wedding Details

• "How many people are or will be on your guest list?"

  • Jordan: 100 (Correct)
  • Paul: 120 (Wrong; Emma had 100) ([05:38])

• "What is your projected wedding budget?"

  • Both answered $10,000, but only Alyssa agreed; Emma’s answer was $15,000 ([06:04])

    “Well, it’s 99 now, ‘cause Paul ain’t alive.” – Show Host ([05:49])

Some Tension in the Details

• Dress Size Question: Hesitation and nervous laughter when asked about their brides’ dress size, but both answered correctly ([06:42])
• First Dance Song: Neither groom knew for sure; both got it wrong ([07:05])

The Engagement Ring "Trap"

• "How much did your engagement ring cost?"
  • Jordan guessed $1,200; Alyssa said $2,000 ([07:32])
  • Paul guessed $3,500; Emma said $2,000 ([07:39])

Result: Jordan & Alyssa emerge as the winners. Emma is notably frustrated with Paul, both hosts and audience laughing at his blunders.

> “With every wrong answer, Emma got more and more... ‘Okay, we’re having a conversation after this is over.’” – Co-Host 1 ([07:57])
>  
> “Oh, we’ve got a winner. Emma, we’re sorry, Paul. Good luck.” – Show Host ([07:40], [07:48])

The Twist – The Winner's Real Challenge ([08:13])

• Despite Alyssa & Jordan's win, Alyssa won’t get to shop alone. Instead, she gets 60 seconds to describe her dream gown to Jordan—he’ll do the shopping for her.

  “When we come back, we will give Alyssa 60 seconds to describe her dream wedding gown to Jordan. And he will be doing the shopping for her.” – Show Host ([08:22])

  “See how good a listener he is?” – Co-Host 3 ([08:37])

  “Jordan at the beginning is like, yeah, I got this, man. I got you, baby. Now he's like, oh, you're on The Bert Show.” – Show Host ([08:39])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He gets points on that one. That is a good man.” – Co-Host 1 ([02:01])
• “You guys shouldn’t even—that’s against the law! …But you’re here. That’s the painful part. So this is gonna be easy.” – Show Host ([03:40])
• “With every wrong answer, Emma got more and more [frustrated]: ‘Okay, we’re having a conversation after this!’” – Co-Host 1 ([07:57])
• “See how good a listener he is?” – Co-Host 3 ([08:37])
• “Nothing simple on the Bert Show.” – Show Host ([08:11])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:29] – Introduction to the annual bridal gown event
• [02:51] – Overview of the Soon To Be Newlywed Game rules
• [03:25] – Couples introduce wedding dates
• [04:14] – Co-Hosts explain rules; grooms answer pre-answered questions
• [04:29] – [07:39] – Question rounds: bridesmaids, color, guest list, budget, ring, etc.
• [07:48] – Announcement of winners, Emma’s growing exasperation
• [08:13] – Twist: The winner’s real challenge—groom shops solo after 60-second briefing

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Tone & Style

The episode is jovial, quick-paced, and teasing—the co-hosts engage in banter and playful roasting, especially of the grooms. Underneath the fun is genuine affection for the couples and lighthearted empathy for the grooms’ “trial by fire” as they guess intimate wedding details under pressure.

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Conclusion

Perfect for fans of couples’ games, wedding drama, and the Bert Show’s trademark mix of humor and heart. The episode captures the anxiety, excitement, and occasional cluelessness that comes with wedding planning, all against the backdrop of a high-stakes bridal gown rush.

Want to catch the meltdown or see if Jordan wins Alyssa’s dream dress? Listen to the full episode.

Transcript

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[Show Host (Burt Show)]

The Bird show basement has an annual event where they bring in between 2 and 3,000 bridal gowns and they put them on the racks in no order.

[Co-Host 1]

No order. They don't have time to put them in order.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Yeah, they just, I mean they came off the truck last night, they put them up on the racks, there they sit and the brides start lining up. I think we'll have Tracy see if she can track this guy down, but apparently there's a guy in line yesterday, 8:30am holding a grooming for his bride.

[Co-Host 1]

Come on now. He gets points on that one. That is a good man.

[Co-Host 2]

That's commitment.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

That's right. So ladies, if you want a good man, there's one down Here for you.

[Bride]

But he's taken.

[Co-Host 1]

But he's a groom, huh?

[Bride]

So are you, like, he's not.

[Co-Host 1]

Not married yet? Is that your.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

So engaged?

[Co-Host 2]

Jeffrey.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

So we. We have. This is an annual tradition, and within this, we have annual traditions, and we have contest to get people in there early. Because when there are 1500 people in line all fighting for the same dresses, it gets chaotic. So if you've got an hour or 90 minutes to yourself, it's a big deal.

[Co-Host 1]

It's a big deal because like we said, they shipped these dresses in last night. They don't have time to put them in order. So this way, you actually get to peruse without any competition and get to

[Co-Host 3]

find the perfect gown, and you get to find the size that you want and the style that you want, the color that you want, because you've got some more time without everybody else grabbing them. So this is big time competition right here.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

This is a contest that we came up with called the Soon To Be Newlywed Game.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Podcast Host]

Okay.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

It's basically finding out who knows their significant other better out of two couples.

[Co-Host 1]

Right?

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Tracy, you gave me every detail I need, except for the couple's names.

[Co-Host 1]

Oh, gosh.

[Co-Host 2]

I forget, too. Let's see. Paul. Is that right? Is there an Emma here? Paul and Emma.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Okay, perfect.

[Co-Host 2]

And Jordan and Alyssa.

[Co-Host 3]

When are you guys getting married?

[Bride]

February 26th.

August 22nd.

[Co-Host 3]

Congratulations. The guys look scared to death.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

This isn't gonna hurt.

[Co-Host 3]

Women look excited. The guys look frightened.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Yeah, the painful part. You're already participating in being here and helping pick out a wedding gown. You guys shouldn't even. That's against the law. That shouldn't even be in the realm of existence. But you're here. That's the painful part. So this is gonna be easy. This is. This is questions about. You've already been emasculated. This is just talking.

[Co-Host 3]

Leave him alone. Let's play.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Yeah. This is just talking about.

[Co-Host 1]

Don't try to make yourself look more like a man. Come on, now.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

The woman you love. Okay, so we'll just go down the list and who answers. Who's going to answer the question, Tracy? The men or the women?

[Co-Host 2]

The men are going to answer the questions. The brides have already given me their answers. So whoever gets the most questions. Right.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

All right, we will go down the list. We will start with Jordan. How many bridesmaids, including the maid of honor, does Alyssa have?

[Co-Host 2]

Four.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And the same question to Paul?

[Co-Host 1]

Five.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Alyssa, what's your answer?

[Bride]

Four.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Emma, what's your answer?

[Co-Host 2]

Five.

[Advertiser Voice]

Okay,

[Co-Host 3]

they're paying attention.

[Co-Host 1]

One to one, they're half listening.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Alyssa, who is our bride planning on having as. Or, I'm sorry, Jordan, who is Alyssa planning on having as her maid of honor? Heather. And same question to Paul, Katie. Alyssa, was Paul. Jordan Wright?

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Emma, was Paul, right?

[Bride]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

All right, tied still 2 to 2. They're men, know they're women so far.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Jordan, what is the main color of the dress that your bride wants her bridesmaids to wear? Black. Pink. Alyssa, is it black?

[Bride]

Yes.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Emma is a pink.

[Bride]

Yes.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Oh, we got a battle. Okay, Jordan, how many people are or will be your guest list?

[Advertiser Voice]

100.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And same question to Paul. How many people are or will be on your guest list?

[Advertiser Voice]

120.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Alyssa.

[Bride]

Okay, that's correct.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And Emma?

[Bride]

No.

[Co-Host 1]

Oh.

[Co-Host 3]

What's the real number? Emma, what's the real number?

[Bride]

I just put 100 for the average.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Well, it's 99 now, cuz Paul ain't alive. Jordan, what is your projected wedding budget?

[Bride]

10,000.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And Paul, what is your projected wedding budget?

[Podcast Host]

10,000.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Alyssa, is Jordan right?

[Bride]

Yes.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Emma, is Paul right?

[Bride]

No.

[Advertiser Voice]

No.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

What is it, Emma? Emma, is Paul still getting married to you? I hope so, but I'm not sure. Was he close?

[Bride]

Kind of.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

What was it? What's the number?

[Narrator]

You don't.

[Bride]

5,000 more.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Okay, so. But don't tell anyone.

[Co-Host 1]

Right. So that means Jordan is leading Paul. Jordan, Alyssa are leading Paul and Emma by two.

[Co-Host 3]

By two. All right, come on, time to make it up here. Paul.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Jordan, what size wedding dress is your bride? I didn't want to ask that one. So you ask it.

[Co-Host 1]

What? What?

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

What size wedding dress is a dangerous.

[Co-Host 3]

I already answered it. Tony. They already answered a two and ten of them, right?

[Co-Host 2]

That's correct.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And Emma.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay, all right.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

What song does your bride want to dance to at your wedding? Jordan? I didn't have an answer. I don't know. Paul. I say at last. Alyssa, what song are you dancing to?

[Bride]

I have no idea. But I said, you look beautiful tonight.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And Emma. No, I hope you dance.

[Co-Host 1]

They both got that wrong. Both wrong.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

How much? And so still five.

[Co-Host 1]

Wait, is it still five to. Sorry, I'm not.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

And there's only really mad. There's only really two questions left. Which means if Jordan and Alyssa get this, then it's over. Jordan, how much did your engagement ring cost? $1,200. Alyssa, how much did you say the engagement ring cost?

[Bride]

2,000.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Oh, you still in it.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Paul, how much did your engagement ring cost? I said 35. Emma, what did you say?

[Bride]

I said 2,000.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Oh, we've got a winner. Emma. We're sorry, Paul.

[Bride]

Good luck.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

You can't see this. This is what we got it. We're taping. With every wrong answer, Emma got more and more and more.

[Co-Host 1]

I was like, okay, we're having a conversation after this is over with.

[Co-Host 3]

So the winners are Alyssa. And who can Alyssa bring in with her?

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Who says Alyssa's going in?

[Co-Host 3]

Oh, oh.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Nothing simple on the bird show.

[Bride]

14 people. Come on, we have to go in.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

There's only one. There's only one that's important. Have you ever listened to the running of the brides before?

[Bride]

Yes, every year.

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Okay, when we come back, we will give Alyssa 60 seconds to describe her dream wedding gown to Jordan. And he will be doing the shopping for her.

[Co-Host 3]

Nice.

[Co-Host 1]

Yes. See how good a listener he is?

[Show Host (Burt Show)]

Jordan at the beginning is like, yeah, I got this, man. I got you, baby. Now he's like, oh, you're on the Burt Show.

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[Bride]

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[Co-Host 3]

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[Bride]

And with three times the points on dining, we ordered a wagyu steak dinner

[Co-Host 3]

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[Bride]

So where should we go next year?

[Co-Host 3]

I've got ideas.

[Bride]

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