Vault: Taco Bell made Bert a germ-a-phobe

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Taco Bell made Bert a germ-a-phobe"

Date: May 29, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode centers around Bert’s evolving germaphobia, sparked by a particular incident at Taco Bell, and opens up a lively, funny, and slightly gross discussion about parenting in public, fast food hygiene, and social etiquette.

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Main Discussion: Bert’s Taco Bell Dilemma and Germ Fears

[01:34–07:09]

Setting the Scene

• The conversation kicks off with the gang poking fun at Bert’s occasional trips to Taco Bell, despite his reputation for healthy eating:

  • “Did they honor the—do they bow to you when you walk in? This is your alumni.” ([01:34], D)
  • Bert insists: "It’s almost like homecoming. You know, it really is." ([01:38], C)

• After some jokes about his rare fast food indulgence:

  • “Every year he's allowed 2/3 of a soft taco no cheese.” ([02:09], G)

The Incident

• Bert recounts seeing a single mom with two young children at Taco Bell. She’s juggling a baby on her hip, another child in hand, and, for a moment, sits the diaper-clad baby on the Taco Bell counter while making her transaction.
• Bert’s reaction:
  • “Just the fact that there's only a couple of small layers between infant ass and my food seemed a little out of place for me.” ([02:25], C)
• The cast debates whether it’s an “overreaction.”

Counter Controversy: Hygiene & Parenting

• F voices another concern:
  • “She shouldn’t put the whatever’s on the scummy counter on her kid’s butt either.” ([03:19], F)
• Bert’s focus is clear:
  • “I was less concerned about the penny infection going into the butt as I was the butt infection going into my mouth.” ([03:36], C)
• The team debates if the counter should be considered a food-prep surface:
  • “To me a counter is a counter, is the counter, right?” ([03:49], C)
  • “You just don’t. You don’t put things on it.” ([03:50], D)

Parenting in Public: Sympathy vs. Sanitation

• Bert shows some understanding but stands firm:
  • “And I’m a parent, so I get it, but still...” ([03:54], C)
• He raises a broader social question:
  • “I do really believe that there are some parents that feel like as soon as you have kids, the rest of the world needs to cater to you in every way, shape and form..." ([04:00], C)

Drive-Thru as an Option

• Multiple cast members suggest the drive-thru as a solution:
  • “Wouldn’t that have been easier on her?” ([04:26], D)
  • “Those two areas should never, ever, ever get anywhere near each other.” (meaning kids' butts and food counters) ([04:27], C)

Outrage and Humor

• G offers an absurd solution:
  • “Can’t you just kind of halfway shove your kid in the garbage can and use the little flip up door to hold it in place while you conduct your transaction?” ([04:32], G)
  • It’s immediately met with laughter—“That goes without saying.” ([04:40], D)

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Listener Call-Ins: Reactions & Real Talk

[04:44–06:13]

Shared Disgust and Judgement

• Listener E calls in:
  • “That completely freaks me out. I actually asked this lady one day...is that like appropriate?...and she got crazy on me.” ([04:46-05:04], E)
  • The encounter became heated—with the mother allegedly retorting, “What would you understand? You’re just a lesbian. You wouldn’t have a kid anyway.” ([05:09], E)
• Bert reflects:
  • “I think you got to be considerate...Maybe she just feels like I got nowhere else to put my kid. Just gotta go on the counter.” ([05:17], C)

Practical or Not?

• Another caller, Candace, challenges the criticism:

  • "Where would you expect her to put the child? Especially if the child can’t walk yet...I just don’t see another solution..." ([05:51-06:03], E)

• The cast holds to their position:

  • “If you seriously cannot...you don’t have enough hands...then go through the drive thru.” ([06:04], D)
  • Bert concedes, “I mean, it’s possible she didn’t have a car, I guess.” ([06:13], C)

• G injects over-the-top satire:

  • “Mothers of young children shouldn’t be out and about. They should be home taking care of their kids.” ([06:17], G)

• D quickly jokes:

  • “I have a quota for hate mail. Like, is that what this is all about?” ([06:37], D)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Bert on his paranoia:

  • “I was less concerned about the penny infection going into the butt as I was the butt infection going into my mouth.” ([03:36], C)

• G’s comedic ‘solutions’:

  • “Can’t you just kind of halfway shove your kid in the garbage can and use the little flip up door to hold it in place while you conduct your transaction?” ([04:32], G)

• Sharp satire on parenting:

  • “Mothers of young children shouldn’t be out and about. They should be home taking care of their kids.” ([06:17], G)
  • “Otherwise you’re a bad parent.” ([06:41], G)

• Debate on hygiene anxiety:

  • “I think what it comes down to is what we’ve said on the air before...and that’s...” ([06:17-06:41], G and D)

• Perspective flip:

  • “I wouldn’t put my kid there because I wouldn’t want that funk on my kid.” ([06:57], F)
  • “By the way, that's not funk. That's nacho cheese. And boy is it good.” ([07:06], G)

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Conclusion & Tone

• The segment blends real-life parenting struggles with gross-out humor and social commentary. Each host adds their perspective, frequently mixing empathy, mock outrage, and trademark Bert Show sarcasm.
• The show features punchy banter, lighthearted heckling, and a few laugh-out-loud moments focused on a relatable, if bizarre, modern dilemma.
• Bert’s anxiety about germs at fast food, triggered by a parent’s tough choice, leads to a broader, honest discussion about expectations and judgment in public spaces.

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Key Timestamps:

• [01:34] – Taco Bell nostalgia & Bert’s eating habits
• [02:25] – Description of the counter incident
• [03:36] – Bert’s main germ concern
• [04:26] – “Just use the drive-thru” debate
• [04:46] – Listener calls with horror story
• [06:17] – Satirical hardline on mothers in public
• [07:06] – Nacho cheese joke wraps segment

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This episode is a light, humorous, but thought-provoking chat about cleanliness, parenting, and what happens when everyday life collides with public places—served with a signature side of Bert Show comedy.

Transcript

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[D]

Did they honor the. Do they bow to you when you walk in? This is your alumni.

[C]

It's almost like homecoming. You know, it really is.

[E]

High five.

[C]

Why did I go to Taco Bell?

[F]

Yeah,

[C]

why do people go to Taco Bell?

[F]

Well, you eat like a, like a bird and nothing that has any fat in it.

[C]

Taco Bell's not gonna kill you. I mean, I'm not like, yeah, he. It's not like going to mc, you know, like getting four, you know, quarter pounders. It's like it's a burrito on a taco.

[G]

Every year. Every year.

[F]

I didn't think that you ate Fast food at all.

[G]

Ever?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

Ever. Never, Never.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I do. For sure.

[G]

Every year he's allowed 2/3 of a soft taco no cheese.

[F]

Okay.

[G]

And he just realized it's December and he hasn't had it yet, so.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

And it's Taco Bell. It's the alma mater, man. You gotta stop by from time to time. Just make sure they're still doing things right.

[G]

He pours a little Diet Coke out on the floor for his.

[C]

So I told you guys, I'm getting to be more of a germaphobe. Get older and tell me if this is an overreaction or not. Okay? You're in line at a Taco Bell or a Mickey D's or whatever fast food restaurant, right? Single mom comes in there or whatever. She just has her kids with her. She's got one in hand. She's got one, you know, literally in like, you know, she's carrying the baby on hip and the other baby in hand. So she's making her transaction at Taco Bell and shouldn't have hands for everything that's going on. And I guess the baby can't really stand up by herself yet. So she places baby on counter at Taco Bell. No, now this is still a diaper wearing baby. Now it still has pants on and all. But just the fact that there's only a couple of small layers between infant ass and my food seemed a little out of place for me.

[F]

And I think that she's. Yeah, she shouldn't put the whatever's on the scummy counter on her kid's butt either.

[G]

It was Taco Bell. The counter's not scummy.

[F]

Well, I mean, just like with like the money and the hands and everything that's like around there, like, I'm sure that's a very germy area to be putting on her kid.

[H]

You know what I mean?

[C]

I was less concerned about the penny infection going into the butt as I was the butt infection going into my mouth.

[D]

Counter should be clean. I mean, like, even if it was a toddler and she was putting their feet on the. I mean, to me a counter is

[C]

a counter, is the counter, right?

[D]

It's the counter's like your kitchen counter. You just don't. You don't put things on it.

[C]

And I'm a parent, so I get it, but still.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

What are you supposed to do, though?

[C]

Yeah, there are. I do really believe that there are some parents that feel like as soon as you have kids, the rest of the world needs to cater to you in every way, shape and form, and putting your kid's butt on the counter where food is being exchanged, even though there are wrappers and there are pants and there are diapers, still, man, there's a drive through.

[D]

I mean, I hate to say it, I mean, could she go through the drive thru if she didn't have enough free hands to be able to be in the store?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Wouldn't that have been easier on her?

[C]

I would think so, yeah, probably. Those two areas should never, ever, ever get anywhere near each other.

[G]

Or can't you just kind of halfway shove your kid in the garbage can and use the little flip up door to hold it in place while you conduct your transaction?

[C]

Duh.

[D]

Well, that goes without saying.

[C]

Morning, Burt. Ya.

[E]

Hey, how you guys doing?

[C]

Good, how are you?

[E]

Hey. I've got to tell you that that completely freaks me out. It completely freaks me out. I actually asked this lady one day, she sat her baby down and, you know, naughty and just sitting on the counter, I'm like, oh my God. And I was just like, you know, is that, is that like appropriate? And she got crazy on me.

[C]

Oh, did she? Is she saying like, where am I supposed to put my baby and stuff like that?

[E]

Pretty much. And she was like, what would you understand? You're just a lesbian. You wouldn't have a kid anyway. I was like, okay, yeah, again, I

[C]

think you got to be considerate and. And I know that there are certain circumstances and I've talked about places where I'm selfish as a parent. Also, like when I'm in the movie theater and I have to have my phone on vibrate and sometimes I gotta check it. And I know that bothers you guys, but if there's something going on at the house, I need to have connection with my kids that's bothering people in the movie theater. I'm sorry about that. Maybe she just feels like I got nowhere else to put my kid. Just gotta go on the counter. There's gonna be hundreds of people going through that place.

[D]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, I think that's nasty. Yeah. Counter's not for buds.

[C]

Save that. Hey, Candace. Good morning.

[E]

Good morning. I just have to say, where would you expect her to put the child? Especially if the child can't walk yet. I mean, I just don't see another solution when you're trying to pull out your purse and pull out change to pay and drive through. What's that?

[D]

Drive through? I mean, if you seriously cannot. You don't have enough hands. Is that what I said A few seconds ago, then go through the drive through.

[F]

I mean, it's possible she didn't have

[C]

a car, I guess so I didn't follow her out to the parking lot. So I don't know.

[G]

I think what it comes down to is what we've said on the air before, and that's mothers of young children shouldn't be out and about. They should be home taking care of their kids.

[C]

Have their own little island.

[G]

Right?

[C]

Never get the same air as other people.

[G]

No, they can. I mean, it's not like an old. You're being extreme. Like if you're gonna have. If you're a mom and you're gonna

[D]

have a kid, I have a quota for hate mail. Like, is that what this is all about?

[G]

Then you have to commit to the first, you know, six months, nine months, year being home, raising that kid. Otherwise you're a bad parent.

[C]

Whatever. By the way, Tracy just lost her job because she said she'd be more worried about the Taco Bell funk getting on the baby.

[H]

That's what I'm saying too.

[F]

Yeah, I wouldn't put my kid there because I wouldn't want that funk on my kid.

[C]

It's just food.

[F]

If I count, it's like, I don't

[C]

know, it's gonna come out of your kid' anyway, food.

[G]

And by the way, that's not funk. That's nacho cheese. And boy is it good.

[C]

There is a difference.

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