Vault: The Bert Show is fed up with the printers

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode: Vault: The Bert Show is Fed Up with the Printers
Date: July 28, 2026

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Overview

This episode dives into the hilarious yet deeply relatable frustrations of The Bert Show cast with their office’s decrepit printers and overall outdated office equipment. The team vents and jokes about their decades-old machinery, recounting ongoing printer battles, failed attempts to destroy the seemingly indestructible device, and tying it all into other workplace struggles—like chairs with missing wheels leading to unexpected on-air mishaps. The freewheeling conversation is packed with humor, sarcasm, and the authentic camaraderie that listeners expect from The Bert Show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Legendary Printer Problem (01:02 – 04:56)

• Longstanding Frustrations:
  Bert kicks off by voicing his endless complaints about the office printers, describing them as ancient and hostile.

  • "I've been bitching about the printers in the office for how long now?" (Bert, 01:07)

• Office Relics:
  The realization hits that the office is littered with printers dating back to 1989.

  • "Brandon, when you went to check the printer today, what did you find out?"
    "Manufactured in 1989." (Bert & Brandon, 02:51-02:52)

• Printer Immortality and Failed Murder Attempts:
  The crew jokes about Bert’s violent attempts to kill the printer and its uncanny, Chucky-like ability to return.

  • "I tried to kill the thing... there was like the blood residue of ink in my office. Cause I thought I had finally killed it. And sure enough, they reconstructed it." (Bert, 02:01)
  • "It was like Chucky came back." (Bert, 04:53)

• Aging Technology:
  They joke about how the printer will soon be able to drink legally, its age rivaling that of some team members.

  • "That printer turns 21 this year, which means we can buy it its first drink." (Melissa, 06:06)
  • "These printers are almost as old as intern Brandon." (Bert, 03:19)

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2. The Office Equipment Crisis (04:56 – 06:29)

• Replacing the Irreplaceable:
  Melissa describes a makeshift memorial for the printer after Bert’s attempt to destroy it, only to find it resurrected by the engineering staff.

  • "There was a dust spot on his desk where it was. Cause I remember. Cause I took a picture of it, a picture of the printer and a little candle and a little cross. ... and the next day... it reappeared." (Melissa, 04:23-04:44)

• No Hope for Upgrades:
  The crew laments the inability to get new equipment, joking about upgrading to a mid-90s model as the only reasonable hope.

  • "No, we can't get in here. What about if we upgrade to, like, 1995? Can we get a '95 printer?" (Co-worker 2, 03:27)

• General Lack of Supplies:
  The ancient tech is compounded by a general lack of basic supplies like cups, coffee, utensils, and working chairs.

  • "This is the same office that has no cups, no coffee, No, I mean, like, we can't find anything. No spoons, no forks." (Co-worker 2, 03:41)

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3. The Great Chair Mishap & Studio Hazards (06:01 – 09:12)

• Unstable Studio Chairs:
  The conversation pivots to the perils of studio chairs with missing or malfunctioning wheels, comparing it to "chair roulette."

  • "Most of them have one wheel on them that's just slightly off... you have to balance yourself on three wheels all afternoon long." (Bert, 05:44–06:01)
  • "It's like playing chair roulette." (Bert, 06:21)

• On-Air Fall Incident:
  A memorable on-air moment is recounted where team member Johnny Osha takes a dramatic tumble during a live segment.

  • "I come in here to do afternoon traffic in. I'm just starting my traffic report and all of a sudden, man down. Johnny freaking takes a spill..." (Co-worker 2, 05:16)

• Zero Pause for Concern:
  The group admits to immediate laughter, barely pausing to check if Johnny was okay before cracking up on air.

  • "Listen, there is no concern at all. Like, listen to the laughter start the minute he disappears." (Melissa, 08:03)
  • "There was no dramatic pause. It was straight laughter after he hit." (Brandon, 08:10)

• Potential Guest Safety Hazards:
  The outright dangerous state of the chairs means they have to warn guests and "take a bullet" when a celebrity might otherwise be seated in a bad chair.

  • "If they prefer to sit, we actually have to physically look at the bottom of the chair to make sure we don't kill a celebrity." (Melissa, 06:14)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Printer’s Survivability:
  "It's like that Chucky doll. It just keeps coming back." – Bert (03:57)
  "It won't die. Apparently." – Brandon (04:15)

• On Staff Safety and Gallows Humor:
  "When one of us comes in, we will be alerted to your dire situation by Wendy's tears of laughter." – Melissa (09:06)

• On the Kind of Humor in the Room:
  "Wendy does have like teenage boy humor though, because when y' all are watching those stupid videos where kids on skateboards like hit their private parts... She thinks that's hilarious." – Co-worker 1 / Bert (08:31–08:43)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Printer Complaints Begin: 01:02
• Discovery of Printer Age: 02:51
• Bert’s Failed Printer Assassination Story: 02:01, 04:23
• Memorializing the Printer: 04:23
• Chair Mishap Prequel: 06:01
• On-Air Chair Fall Incident: 06:44–07:26
• Laughter Analysis: 07:54–08:14
• Dangerous Guest Chairs: 06:14
• Wendy’s Uncontrollable Laughter: 09:06

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Tone & Flow

True to form, the episode is filled with sarcastic banter, lighthearted digs, and genuine laughter about workplace woes. Listeners get a peek into not just the frustrations but the deep camaraderie and well-timed humor that define The Bert Show’s style.

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Transcript

[Wendy]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[McDonald's Advertiser]

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[Melissa]

Refreshers contain caffeine.

[Show Producer]

The first show.

[Bert]

Let's give you guys a peek in our office here for just one second. You know, I've been bitching about the printers in the office for how long now?

[Co-worker 1]

Forever.

[Co-worker 2]

Forever.

[Bert]

I specifically have one in my office that just flips me off every single day.

[Melissa]

You've seen the movie War Games. It's actually the printer that Joshua used.

[Co-worker 2]

Yes.

[Melissa]

In that movie, 1979. Matthew Broderick.

[Bert]

I have never. And I. This is. This is no exaggeration. Probably twice. Twice in the nine years that I've been here, I've hit print and actually had it print my document correctly. It's always warming up or jammed or whatever. Twice in nine years.

[Melissa]

Sometimes it just says F you on the screen. Yeah, you didn't even say warming up. And when it does print, Bert has the same reaction as our thousand dollar winner just a couple minutes ago. Screams. He's falling to his knees. Then he tries to remember what he was doing so he could reenact the same thing. Okay, I was chewing a piece of gum. I had a blue pen in my right hand and. And a notebook under my arm. And I think I was kind of kneeling on the chair. So the next day, he reenacts that same.

[Bert]

I've tried to kill the thing. I mean, literally, one day Jeff walked in here and there was like the blood residue of ink in my office. Cause I thought I had finally killed it. And sure enough, they reconstructed it.

[Melissa]

It was on your face, Braveheart.

[Bert]

It was for watching tattoo. I was wearing it like war paint.

[Melissa]

War paint. He had tattoo. And then he tried to offer me a drink of toner the way he used to drink the Blood of the first animal you slayed, where it's like, have some toner, man.

[Co-worker 2]

And then it regenerate. Yeah, it was supposed to die.

[Bert]

It's like, unreal. So I found out today, and my computer, my. My printer is not the only one of this model in the office. There are like four or five that are all the same and all don't work. And all of them work the same way. They all suck. Yeah, they all suck. And I found out today, probably why. And this is no joke. Brandon, when you went to check the printer today, what did you find out?

[Brandon]

Manufactured in 1989.

[Wendy]

What?

[Bert]

We have printers in our office from 1989, I believe.

[Brandon]

What?

[Melissa]

Well, Melissa talks about, she used to work. She got hired by Jimmy Barron. When the morning X was baby, it was a lowercase X.

[Co-worker 2]

When it was just a little X.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it was a little tiny X.

[Co-worker 2]

And those printers were ones that I used.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Bert]

What year were you born, Wendy?

[Co-worker 2]

85.

[Brandon]

I was born in 88. 88.

[Bert]

These printers are almost as old as intern Brandon.

[Wendy]

Wow.

[Bert]

89.

[Co-worker 2]

Wow.

[Bert]

So now we know why at least.

[Co-worker 1]

Yeah.

[Co-worker 2]

Well, can we get a new one? No, we can't get in here. What about if we upgrade to, like, 1995? Can we get a 95 printer?

[Bert]

They said, you know, as soon as it breaks. As soon as it breaks, we'll go ahead, we'll get new ones. But we've tried.

[Brandon]

We can arrange that to happen.

[Co-worker 2]

This is the same office that has no cups, no coffee, No, I mean, like, we can't find anything. No spoons, no forks.

[Co-worker 1]

Well, the technology was bad before. I mean, it doesn't have to do with the company. The technology has always been bad. Like when we worked for a different company, it was terrible, too.

[Bert]

It's 1989 bad, right? That's when it's been here from. And you can't kill it, Brandon. It's like that Chucky doll. It just keeps coming back.

[Brandon]

I mean, I know people, they can

[Bert]

make it go disappear.

[Melissa]

Hey, you know what, though? In good, good news, though, is that printer turns 21 this year, which means we can buy it as first drink.

[Co-worker 2]

So it just dies?

[Brandon]

It won't die. Apparently.

[Melissa]

It won't die.

[Bert]

It won't die first.

[Melissa]

Beat that ass out of it. Like, broke it. You were here.

[Bert]

I shattered it.

[Melissa]

There are pieces. There were chunks of the printer in the garbage, and it disappeared. And there was a dust spot on his desk where it was. Because I remember. Cause I took a picture of it, a picture of the printer and a little Candle and a little cross. And I put it there like it was a roadside memorial. And the next day.

[Co-worker 2]

But Jesus came and saved it. Then.

[Melissa]

Yes, it reappeared.

[Brandon]

By Jesus you mean our engineering staff.

[Melissa]

And it actually scared us because Bert and I were in there and I look over where my little candle was burning and the printer was back.

[Bert]

It was like Chucky came back.

[Melissa]

And I'm pretty sure I had the same reaction as all the people in the Burger King commercials when they look out and the king is in the yard creeping out their window or there's

[Co-worker 2]

someone with small hands eating a cheeseburger.

[Bert]

Yes, 1989 printers.

[Show Producer]

Okay.

[Bert]

And then there's this on the air yesterday. Wendy, you want to reenact what happened on the air? We actually have audio of this.

[Melissa]

This was great.

[Co-worker 2]

No, it was around 6 o'. Clock. I come in here to do afternoon traffic in. I'm just starting my traffic report and all of a sudden, man down. Johnny freaking takes a spill. Like I'm talking like it was like tree trunk just fell in the woods. And all I heard was a big wham. And granted, this is when I just started my traffic. So this is on it on the air and I'm starting my traffic report and all I see is Johnny disappear. I hear wham. And then all of a sudden I lose it.

[Bert]

Now here's how the two tie in together. Is that the chairs in here, Most of them have one wheel on them that's just slightly off. Either if you lift the chair up, it falls, or it's just you have to balance yourself on three wheels all afternoon long.

[Co-worker 2]

But he didn't notice that there wasn't a wheel on it.

[Melissa]

And if that's the problem is we have to check and we have guests come in studio who are going to use chairs. Some people prefer to stand. If they prefer to sit. We actually have to physically look at the bottom of the chair to make

[Co-worker 2]

sure we don't kill a celebrity.

[Melissa]

Because we have to make sure that all the wheels are on it. Because we've all come pretty accustomed to quick balance.

[Bert]

Sometimes it's a chair. It's like playing chair roulette.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Bert]

Like you don't know which chair you had. The one that has the third wheel that's just jacked up until you're sitting in it.

[Co-worker 1]

Yeah.

[Co-worker 2]

I mean, I think there's been a celebrity that's come in and we've all.

[Co-worker 1]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Melissa]

Don't sit there.

[Co-worker 2]

Sit there.

[Co-worker 1]

Out there.

[Melissa]

I took a bullet for chili once. No, jump down the chair.

[Bert]

So this is yesterday around 6 o'. Clock. And this is Johnny Osha.

[Co-worker 2]

Johnny Osha.

[Bert]

And you're just going to hear him take a fall.

[Co-worker 2]

Three right lane crews weren't bad. Injury, crash and vehicle fire. Dealing with the heavy delays all the way back to Highway 166. Taking a look at the top end, 285 eastbound. That earlier tall right around Chandley Dunwoody has been cleared. Seeing brake lights from there over to Spaghetti Junction, all the way down to Highway 78. 75 northbound. Still around a 26 minute drive from the perimeter up to Wade green Road and 400 northbound. Finally cleared out that earlier crash right around McFarlane traffic. Brought to you by Simply Smart Milk. When you had Q and A.

[Wendy]

So sorry, that was me falling out of my chair.

[Bert]

I couldn't identify the exact place where he fell. It's two seconds into it, two seconds in.

[Co-worker 2]

Three right lanes locked there. We're only laughing because Johnny's.

[Melissa]

Okay, let's talk about Wendy's.

[Co-worker 2]

Right lane's locked there as cruise worked. Bad injury crash.

[Show Producer]

Yeah, he's done.

[Melissa]

Let's talk about Wendy's laughing because here's the guy that you work with every single day. All of a sudden falls like gone. You can't even see him.

[Co-worker 2]

People falling is funny.

[Bert]

It is funny. Well, there's the moment that you realize they're okay. First you're concerned they're okay and then it's a cathartic. I mean it's just gotta get out.

[Melissa]

Right, I understand that, but listen, there is no concern at all. Like listen to the laughter start the minute he disappears.

[Brandon]

There was no dramatic pause. It was straight laughter after he hit.

[Melissa]

Maybe you should go over and see if he needs a little restart of the heart, a Heimlich or a CPR or something.

[Co-worker 2]

Three right lanes locked there. As Cruz worked that injury crowd, she

[Bert]

got us to start laughing immediately.

[Co-worker 2]

Back to Highway 166.

[Bert]

She's literally crying right now.

[Co-worker 1]

Wendy does have like teenage boy humor though, because when y' all are watching those stupid videos where kids on skateboards like hit their private parts.

[Brandon]

That's her size.

[Bert]

Ball in the face.

[Co-worker 1]

She thinks that's hilarious.

[Co-worker 2]

Well, because I can only see Bert's head right now from where I'm sitting on my computer. So all of a sudden you just don't see J and all you can hear is a big thud. I could not even.

[Melissa]

Well, the good news, Bert, that what you can be reassured by is if you're ever in the studio alone with with Wendy and your heart stops and you fall to your death under the board.

[Show Producer]

Yeah, that.

[Melissa]

When one of us comes in, we will be alerted to your dire situation by Wendy's tears of laughter.

[Commercial Announcer]

Q100 here's Wendy.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's mean.

[Bert]

Good luck with that.

[Melissa]

You couldn't clear out some spots before this?

[Wendy]

Get it?

[Show Producer]

The Birch Show.

[Wendy]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[ASU Announcer]

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[McDonald's Advertiser]

All new drinks are now at McDonald's with refreshers like the Strawberry Watermelon Refresher and the Mango Pineapple Refresher with Popping Boba to crafted sodas like the Sprite Berry Blast with berry flavors and cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire six? All new drinks are here now at McDonald's.

[Melissa]

Refreshers contain caffeine.