Vault: The Bert Show Takes on Miss USA Questions

Summary

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The Bert Show Vault: The Bert Show Takes on Miss USA Questions

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings a playful, comedic spin to the world of beauty pageants—specifically, the notoriously tricky interview questions from Miss USA. The team listens to a real pageant Q&A, reminisces about memorable pageant mishaps, and then hilariously attempts to answer common pageant questions themselves, mimicking the evasive answers often given on the grand stage. The tone is lighthearted, self-deprecating, and packed with group chemistry and laughter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pageant Interview Questions: The Art of the Non-Answer

• The show kicks off by playing a clip of Miss Arizona fielding the question:
  “Do you think the US should have universal health care as a right of citizenship? Why or why not?” (01:14)

• Miss Arizona’s answer is famed for sidestepping the question altogether:

  “I think this is an issue of integrity, regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on...politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right, it’s an issue of integrity, whatever your opinion is. And I say that with the utmost conviction.” — Miss Arizona [01:20]

• The cast erupts in laughter at the vagueness:

  “She didn’t answer a damn thing.” — (C) [01:39]
  “Tap dancing right around it, wasn’t it?” — (H) [01:42]
  “I think if you’re in one of those pageants, you are trained to tap dance around a question that you just can’t answer.” — (C) [01:45]

2. Iconic Pageant Blunders: Miss Teen USA South Carolina

• The team references the infamous Miss Teen USA South Carolina answer regarding why many Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map:

  “I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps...” — Miss Teen South Carolina (I) [02:39]

• The cast delights in replaying and dissecting the convoluted answer, even imaginatively combining clips from different contestants for comedic effect [03:21–03:52].

3. The Bert Show Takes on Pageant Questions

• The hosts assign themselves pageant personas and answer typical questions, channeling the evasive and roundabout style:

  • Miss Tennessee (Melissa):

    “Well, Bert, I believe that a girl. What makes a girl great is the fact that she loves things that a girl really likes. And so I think that when you’re a woman, you know, is you just, you love being a woman and I think that it’s great to be a woman and I'm proud to be from Tennessee and thank you very much.” — (D) as Miss Tennessee [04:46]

    • Response from the group:
      “Really good job. That’s impressive.” — (G) [05:15]

  • Miss Florida:

    “I think the important thing about features is that they are featuristically unique on every single person. And so the features that I would like to discuss, such as beauty and honesty and truth and honesty are unique features to me and each and every person on the USA. On the planet. In the USA. I mean in the USA.” — (H) as Miss Florida [05:30]

  • Miss Texas:

    “Well, magazines are great. I would love to be on...no, I don’t wanna be on a magazine. I want a book. And I don’t—not just any book, but a glamour book. No, no, no, not book. Wait, I don’t read no magazines. No, I want to be on a book. That’s it.” — (J) as Miss Texas [06:35]

  • Miss New York:

    “She gets drunk and meets me after prom.” — (G) as Miss New York [07:17]
    (quickly followed by mock horror and playful scolding)

    “I think a girl becomes a woman once she sees that. Such as in Iraq. When a girl gets on a magazine cover and has a book named after her, she is much like a woman would be a girl.” — (G) as Miss New York [07:28]

  • Miss California (on which superpower she'd choose):

    “Well, I believe that everybody is born with their own unique superpower and there is no superhero that is any better than anybody else. So for me to tell you what my superpower would be, to be honest with you, it’s ignoring questions and totally going around them is my superpower. Thank you. Thank you.” — (C) as Miss California [08:40]

4. Self-Aware Commentary on Pageant Culture

• The segment spotlights both the difficulty and absurdity of answering pageant questions live under pressure.
• Repeated jokes about pageant tropes—Vaseline on teeth, hairspray, and the signature pageant “dance around the answer” approach—underscore the blend of satire and affection in their take.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On non-answers:

  “Conviction’s a big word for her.” — (D) [02:29]

• On combining famous pageant mishaps:

  “I want to hear the conversation between those two girls.” — (D) [03:16]

• Satirical pageant wisdom:

  “I don’t think I would change any features of our unique nation.” — (H) as Miss Florida [06:00]

• Tongue-in-cheek mockery:

  “She gets drunk and meets me after prom.” — (G) [07:17]
  (Gleeful group reactions follow.)

• On superpowers:

  “It’s ignoring questions and totally going around them is my superpower.” — (C) [08:40]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:14] – Miss Arizona’s real pageant question and answer
• [02:39] – Miss Teen USA South Carolina’s iconic answer
• [04:46] – Melissa as Miss Tennessee answers “At what point does a girl become a woman?”
• [05:30] – Miss Florida fields “What is the one feature you change about yourself and why?”
• [06:35] – Miss Texas on “If you could be on the cover of any magazine...”
• [07:17] – Miss New York’s comedic response on becoming a woman
• [08:40] – Miss California’s superpower: “ignoring questions”

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Final Thoughts

The Bert Show’s playful re-enactment of pageant Q&A exposes the pressures and comic absurdities of live, high-stakes interviews. The hosts’ chemistry and well-timed humor make for an engaging listen, especially for fans of improv and banter. The episode is a loving lampoon of pageant culture—serving both as tribute to and satire of its iconic moments.

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Transcript

[A]

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[C]

Jen told you earlier this morning that Miss North Carolina won the Miss USA pageant. Miss USA pageant last year. I'm so excited. This is my lifelong dream and I cannot believe it's coming. It's really touching. This was Miss Arizona. You know how they go around the. You know, they have an interview question, a spontaneous interview question.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And they have to answer those. And that, of course, plays into who's inevitably going to win the pageant.

[D]

Right.

[C]

This was Miss Arizona last night.

[E]

Do you think the US should have universal health care as a right of citizenship? Why or why not?

[F]

You know, I. I think this is an issue of integrity, regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I've been raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right. It's an issue of integrity, whatever your opinion is. And I say that with the utmost conviction.

[C]

She didn't answer a damn thing.

[G]

Hell, does that mean she did not answer?

[H]

Tap dancing right around it, wasn't it? No.

[G]

You're kidding.

[C]

And that's what I'm getting at here. I think if you're in one of those pageants, you are trained to tap dance around a question that you just can't answer.

[E]

Do you think the US should have universal health care as a right of citizenship? Why or why not?

[F]

You know, I think this is an issue of integrity, regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I've been raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right. It's an issue of integrity, whatever your opinion is. And I say that with the utmost Conviction.

[H]

Who's she talking to?

[C]

What the hell? You know what the beauty of that clip is, though? That unfortunately, Sean calm cut out of it is everybody applauses at the end. Yay.

[D]

Conviction's a big word for her.

[C]

Now, you remember, the quintessential mess up in this whole thing was a couple of years ago with Miss Teen USA from South Carolina.

[H]

Oh.

[I]

I personally believe that us Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere, like such as. And I believe that they should. Our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa, it should help Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.

[D]

I want to hear.

[G]

Oh, I'm sorry, such as sorts.

[D]

I want to hear the conversation between those two girls.

[C]

I think I can do that. Hold on.

[I]

I personally believe that.

[E]

Do you think the US should have universal health care as a right of citizenship?

[I]

Some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and Iraq

[F]

and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right, it's an issue of integrity, whatever your opinion is. And I say that with the utmost conviction.

[I]

Help South Africa, it should help Iraq and the Asian country.

[D]

They are in the same story.

[C]

So here's what I have here for you. These are 10 of the most commonly asked pageant questions. I want to throw these out at you and I will choose you one at a time and you have to answer as though you are a pageant contestant.

[G]

Okay, so you want a legitimate answer or do you want us to.

[D]

You want us to be generic?

[C]

You can be. I think you could do it legitimately. I think the real gift here is that these, some of these women will be made fun of today because they tap danced around the question. But I think in a lot of cases, it's a lot more difficult than you think.

[H]

But they practice.

[D]

But if you want us to answer like a pageant contestant, we have to dance around the issue.

[H]

Yeah, that's what I'm.

[C]

All right, so, Melissa, you will be Miss Tennessee. Okay. Okay, great. And your question is. This is a good one for you. Melissa Carter, Miss Tennessee. At what point does a girl become a woman?

[D]

Well, Bert, I believe that a girl. What makes a girl great is the fact that she loves things that a girl really likes. And so I think that when you're a woman, you know, is you're just, you Love being a woman and I think that it's great to be a woman and I'm proud to be from Tennessee and thank you very much.

[C]

Miss Tennessee.

[G]

Really good job. That's impressive.

[H]

Really good job. God, I want to be like Miss Tennessee.

[C]

Miss Florida.

[H]

Oh no.

[C]

What is the one feature you change about yourself and why?

[H]

Well, I think the important thing about features is that they are featuristically unique on every single person. And so the features that I would like to discuss such as beauty and honesty and truth and honesty are unique features to me and each and every person on the usa. On the planet. In the usa. I mean in the usa.

[C]

On the planet.

[H]

And so I don't think I would change any features of our unique nation.

[C]

Yay. That's my girl.

[D]

You're gonna win.

[C]

That is my girl. You're gonna win.

[D]

I wann. I wish I had her answer.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

I didn't say that.

[D]

I just wanna be you.

[C]

Hold on.

[D]

I need some more hairspray.

[C]

Okay, I'm good.

[G]

Oh my God.

[C]

Miss Texas.

[H]

How about America?

[C]

If you could be on the COVID of any magazine, which would you choose and why?

[J]

Well, magazines are great. I would love to be on. No, I don't wanna be on a magazine. I want a book. And I don't. Not just any book, but. But a glamour book. No, no, no, not book. Wait, I don't read no magazines. No, I want to be on a book. That's it.

[C]

Yeah. Texas governor. Texas. Go. And the last question here is for Mr. Rochester.

[D]

Oh, I think it should be Miss New York.

[H]

Miss New York. Miss New York.

[C]

Miss New York.

[D]

Come on. Miss New York.

[C]

I want you to answer the same question that Ms. Tennessee answered. what point does a girl become a woman?

[G]

She gets drunk and meets me after prom.

[C]

Hey.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Ew. You're creepy gross.

[H]

Miss New York, I'm totally taking your crown away.

[G]

I think a girl becomes a woman once she sees that. Such as in Iraq. When a girl gets on a magazine cover and has a book named after her, she is much like a woman would be a girl.

[C]

There he is.

[D]

Even though her voice is kind of weirdly deep. But yay.

[J]

Hey.

[H]

Miss California.

[C]

Yes, I've already seen him all so it doesn't do.

[I]

Unable to do so because.

[G]

Okay, I have a question for Miss California.

[C]

Hey, you are talking over Miss South Carolina.

[I]

And I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq everywhere. Like such as. And I believe that they should. Our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

[D]

Do you have any more Vaseline for my teeth?

[G]

I'm running out. I need some more Ms. California.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

If you could have any superpower that you'd like.

[C]

Yes.

[G]

Which superpower would it be and why?

[C]

Well, I believe that everybody is born with their own unique superpower and there is no superhero that is any better than anybody else. So for me to tell you what my superpower would be, to be honest with you, it's ignoring questions and totally going around them is my superpower. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

The Burt show the Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

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