The Bert Show Vault: The Bert Show Takes on Miss USA Questions

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings a playful, comedic spin to the world of beauty pageants—specifically, the notoriously tricky interview questions from Miss USA. The team listens to a real pageant Q&A, reminisces about memorable pageant mishaps, and then hilariously attempts to answer common pageant questions themselves, mimicking the evasive answers often given on the grand stage. The tone is lighthearted, self-deprecating, and packed with group chemistry and laughter.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pageant Interview Questions: The Art of the Non-Answer

• The show kicks off by playing a clip of Miss Arizona fielding the question:
  “Do you think the US should have universal health care as a right of citizenship? Why or why not?” (01:14)

• Miss Arizona’s answer is famed for sidestepping the question altogether:

  “I think this is an issue of integrity, regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on...politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right, it’s an issue of integrity, whatever your opinion is. And I say that with the utmost conviction.” — Miss Arizona [01:20]

• The cast erupts in laughter at the vagueness:

  “She didn’t answer a damn thing.” — (C) [01:39]
  “Tap dancing right around it, wasn’t it?” — (H) [01:42]
  “I think if you’re in one of those pageants, you are trained to tap dance around a question that you just can’t answer.” — (C) [01:45]

2. Iconic Pageant Blunders: Miss Teen USA South Carolina

• The team references the infamous Miss Teen USA South Carolina answer regarding why many Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map:

  “I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps...” — Miss Teen South Carolina (I) [02:39]

• The cast delights in replaying and dissecting the convoluted answer, even imaginatively combining clips from different contestants for comedic effect [03:21–03:52].

3. The Bert Show Takes on Pageant Questions

• The hosts assign themselves pageant personas and answer typical questions, channeling the evasive and roundabout style:

  • Miss Tennessee (Melissa):

    “Well, Bert, I believe that a girl. What makes a girl great is the fact that she loves things that a girl really likes. And so I think that when you’re a woman, you know, is you just, you love being a woman and I think that it’s great to be a woman and I'm proud to be from Tennessee and thank you very much.” — (D) as Miss Tennessee [04:46]

    • Response from the group:
      “Really good job. That’s impressive.” — (G) [05:15]

  • Miss Florida:

    “I think the important thing about features is that they are featuristically unique on every single person. And so the features that I would like to discuss, such as beauty and honesty and truth and honesty are unique features to me and each and every person on the USA. On the planet. In the USA. I mean in the USA.” — (H) as Miss Florida [05:30]

  • Miss Texas:

    “Well, magazines are great. I would love to be on...no, I don’t wanna be on a magazine. I want a book. And I don’t—not just any book, but a glamour book. No, no, no, not book. Wait, I don’t read no magazines. No, I want to be on a book. That’s it.” — (J) as Miss Texas [06:35]

  • Miss New York:

    “She gets drunk and meets me after prom.” — (G) as Miss New York [07:17]
    (quickly followed by mock horror and playful scolding)

    “I think a girl becomes a woman once she sees that. Such as in Iraq. When a girl gets on a magazine cover and has a book named after her, she is much like a woman would be a girl.” — (G) as Miss New York [07:28]

  • Miss California (on which superpower she'd choose):

    “Well, I believe that everybody is born with their own unique superpower and there is no superhero that is any better than anybody else. So for me to tell you what my superpower would be, to be honest with you, it’s ignoring questions and totally going around them is my superpower. Thank you. Thank you.” — (C) as Miss California [08:40]

4. Self-Aware Commentary on Pageant Culture

• The segment spotlights both the difficulty and absurdity of answering pageant questions live under pressure.
• Repeated jokes about pageant tropes—Vaseline on teeth, hairspray, and the signature pageant “dance around the answer” approach—underscore the blend of satire and affection in their take.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On non-answers:

  “Conviction’s a big word for her.” — (D) [02:29]

• On combining famous pageant mishaps:

  “I want to hear the conversation between those two girls.” — (D) [03:16]

• Satirical pageant wisdom:

  “I don’t think I would change any features of our unique nation.” — (H) as Miss Florida [06:00]

• Tongue-in-cheek mockery:

  “She gets drunk and meets me after prom.” — (G) [07:17]
  (Gleeful group reactions follow.)

• On superpowers:

  “It’s ignoring questions and totally going around them is my superpower.” — (C) [08:40]

Important Timestamps

• [01:14] – Miss Arizona’s real pageant question and answer
• [02:39] – Miss Teen USA South Carolina’s iconic answer
• [04:46] – Melissa as Miss Tennessee answers “At what point does a girl become a woman?”
• [05:30] – Miss Florida fields “What is the one feature you change about yourself and why?”
• [06:35] – Miss Texas on “If you could be on the cover of any magazine...”
• [07:17] – Miss New York’s comedic response on becoming a woman
• [08:40] – Miss California’s superpower: “ignoring questions”

Final Thoughts

The Bert Show’s playful re-enactment of pageant Q&A exposes the pressures and comic absurdities of live, high-stakes interviews. The hosts’ chemistry and well-timed humor make for an engaging listen, especially for fans of improv and banter. The episode is a loving lampoon of pageant culture—serving both as tribute to and satire of its iconic moments.