Vault: The Bert Show's Vice Challenge

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: The Bert Show's Vice Challenge (March 6, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show team embarks on a collective challenge: giving up their personal vices for a week. Each co-host selects a longstanding habit they rely on—ranging from sugar to smoking, diet pills, sleep aids, and even smart devices. The group details both their reasons for picking their vice and the anxieties they have about quitting, offering an authentic, humorous, and supportive group dynamic as they face withdrawal and temptations together.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Each Cast Member's Vice (01:04–12:44)

• Melissa: Sugar

  • Admits to a serious sweet tooth and regular dessert indulgence.
  • Misses out on “one last binge” before starting the challenge because her partner, Katie, secretly throws away the remaining cake after Jeff’s birthday party (02:14–02:47).
  • Brings all remaining ice cream and sweets into the studio to remove temptation at home.
  • “So, yeah, so it was ice cream and sherbet and stuff. There's no Halloween candy.” (03:34, Melissa)

• Wendy: Diet Pills

  • Details her reliance on diet pills for energy, noting she's been taking them for about three years—switching brands periodically (04:49–07:14).
  • Joins the challenge by bringing in her current pills, “xylene,” and describes classic stimulant withdrawal symptoms (06:05–06:27).
  • Shares anxieties about weight gain and energy drops when not on pills.
  • “As soon as you take it, you are going to be sweating… if you walk like one step or like you sit down, you are going to be… pouring sweat.” (06:17, Wendy)

• Jeff: Lunesta (Sleep Aid)

  • Brings in his remaining prescription sleep aids, determined to go without for the week (07:44–09:14).
  • Expresses concern that his vice is the hardest to quit given the lack of accessible replacements, and possible insomnia (07:50–07:59).
  • Wonders aloud whether his dependency is psychological or physical, hoping the challenge will provide answers.
  • “Maybe I can do that now. Maybe I'm so panicked that I needed more sleep before that I've been taking the pills, thinking I still need that sleep. Maybe I don't even need it. I don't know.” (09:14, Jeff)

• Jen: Cigarettes

  • Discloses a relapse into smoking amid personal stress, notably her divorce.
  • Looks forward to quitting alongside the group for accountability and motivation (10:17–10:39).
  • Physically hands over her cigarettes to Melissa as a sign of commitment.
  • “I was actually really, really excited about that…because I needed something to sort of make me do it.” (10:32, Jen)

• Birch: BlackBerry (Smartphone)

  • Considers going completely “off the grid” for a week, including giving up his BlackBerry (10:56–12:29).
  • Recognizes how unnatural disconnection feels in modern life and shares the household impact, as his partner laments their expensive “$400 alarm clock.”
  • “I'm actually part of me is tempted to go completely cell free for a week.” (11:05, Birch)

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Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

Funny and Relatable Moments

• The cast joking about Melissa becoming Martha Stewart and starting to bake “because she can’t buy sweets” (04:12, Jen).
• Group laughter over how Melissa, by storing everyone’s vices, could theoretically binge them all at once: “So Melissa can diet, sleep, and smoke, but I just don’t have sugar.” (10:46, Jen/Melissa)
• Birch’s partner’s reaction to him using the BlackBerry just as an alarm clock: “Oh, so now we own a $400 alarm clock.” (12:43, Birch)

Insights into Withdrawal and Habit

• Wendy discusses the psychological aspect of diet pills: “If you even stop taking it for a day, you'll be like, I can't eat anything because I don't have a diet pill in me.” (05:28, Wendy)
• Jeff’s speculation about dependency: “Can I do it? Do I really need this thing? Or is it all in my head? So I'll know that by the end of the week.” (10:06, Jeff)
• Melissa admitting to cycling through sweets quickly: “You talk about a Snicker in the cabinet. It wouldn't be there for long.” (03:54, Melissa)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• 01:01 – The challenge is introduced; cast expresses nervousness.
• 01:12–04:45 – Melissa explains sugar addiction and her preparations.
• 04:45–07:14 – Wendy’s history with diet pills and reasons for quitting this week.
• 07:14–09:41 – Jeff discusses Lunesta dependence and worries about insomnia.
• 09:41–10:17 – Group dynamics: support, struggle, humor over different vices.
• 10:17–10:50 – Jen’s story of returning to and now quitting smoking.
• 10:56–12:43 – Birch debates going smartphone-free and the ripple effects.
• 12:43 – Birch’s partner’s reaction: “So now we own a $400 alarm clock.”

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Tone & Authenticity

• The conversation is earnest, supportive, autobiographical, and often laced with humor and teasing.
• The cast is transparent about their vulnerabilities, motivations, and the ways their habits intertwine with daily life.
• The episode closes on a note acknowledging the personal nature of breaking habits, with encouragement and practical accountability strategies.

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In Summary

The Bert Show’s “Vice Challenge” episode provides a candid, often comical snapshot of group accountability, honesty about personal struggles, and the various ways people rely on—and give up—their vices. The cast’s willingness to share their anxieties and hopes, alongside playful banter, makes the episode both engaging and relatable for listeners facing their own habits and temptations.

Transcript

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[Birch]

The Birch Show.

[Jeff]

All right, I am nervous about this week. I gotta tell you.

[Wendy]

I'm already nervous because I've given up our vices. Energy.

[Jeff]

We're all giving up our vices this week. We all have agreed upon it. We're all supposed to bring them in today.

[Melissa]

That's right. So y' all enjoy what I've put into the refrigerator here in the studio. Yeah, it was. My vice is sugar completely. I am somebody who cannot turn down a dessert. And so, you know, Jeff's birthday party was over the weekend, and the people who prepared the cake there were kind enough to give me a layer of it because they gave.

[Birch]

They seriously give you a whole layer?

[Melissa]

Yes. I mean, in a huge bag. And they said. And he came and whispered in my ear, and he said, I know that you have to give this up on Monday, so enjoy tomorrow. So I said, all right.

[Birch]

So it's the first thing he said to me when I walked in, you know, because the cake, beautiful cake. So admire the cake. And then he says, hey, is it cool if I give Melissa a big chunk of this? Cause she can't eat it right this weekend. I had no. I. I couldn't remember what he was talking about. And he's like, yeah, Monday, she can't eat any more sugar.

[Melissa]

Yeah. And so he did that. But somehow I didn't get any cake yesterday because I think Kati is so excited that this is happening because, I mean, you know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I'm also Not in as good a shape as I could be. And that, you know, eating sugar all the time has a lot to do with that, so.

[Jeff]

And she's a hardcore athlete too, right?

[Melissa]

She's hardcore athlete. She, you know, runner, and she always has to be active, and so she's kind of excited by this. So I feel figured out this morning because yesterday was kind of a busy day. So it didn't hit me until after the end of the day that I didn't have any of Jeff's cake, even though I brought it home. But then I realized that she's the one that took it out of the car on Saturday night or Sunday morning when we got home. And so then this morning, when I was grabbing all the ice cream out of the freezer and I was gonna grab the cake, the cake was gone. So she snuck it out and probably threw it in the trash out, no thanks to the guy.

[Jeff]

But you didn't get to have that last binge that got back.

[Melissa]

I did not get to have a last piece of cake because Katie sabotaged me.

[Jeff]

That sucks.

[Melissa]

But I did bring all sugar in, and I will have no sugar this week, which I don't know if I've. The last time I did that.

[Jeff]

What'd you bring in?

[Melissa]

Well, let's see. I have most of the. What was in the house was ice cream. So I had the Neapolitan Mayfield.

[Jen]

There's a lot of ice cream.

[Birch]

Is that what that whole bag is?

[Melissa]

Yes, the whole bag was ice cream.

[Jeff]

You should take a picture of that and put it up on your blog.

[Melissa]

Mayfield. Mayfield's good. So Neapolitan Mayfield. And then we have some Barney's ice cream. That is a Christmas special. That was Mama Jo's joke on me for Katie's to bring Christmas ice cream into the house before Halloween. And I still have some of that left.

[Birch]

But you allowed it because it was ice cream.

[Melissa]

But I allowed it because it's ice cream.

[Birch]

Nice.

[Melissa]

And then there's some sherbet's, which haven't been touched because sherbert. Whatever. So, yeah, so it was ice cream and sherbet and stuff. There's no Halloween candy.

[Jen]

Candy waste.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Halloween Candy was gone November 1st.

[Jeff]

So are you confessing right now? And you're totally honest in that you haven't hid like a Snickers in some compartment somewhere in the house or zero sugar in the house this morning?

[Melissa]

I was.

[Wendy]

I was.

[Jen]

I thought.

[Melissa]

I was thinking into the inventory in the kitchen because it doesn't stay like you talk about a snicker in the cabinet. It wouldn't be there for long. So there's no. Yeah, there's no. All the Halloween candy has been gone. There's no chocolate. No, this is it. So I brought everything that I had. So no sugar for a week.

[Jeff]

Godspeed this week.

[Jen]

You're all of a sudden going to become Martha Stewart and start baking your own cookies. You're going to be, like, finding all the ingredients in the cabinet and be like, I can't go buy any, but I can sure make some.

[Melissa]

No, and no offense to. I mean, I don't. I'm not trying to make eating disorder jokes, but I've seen commercials where women are in the car, you know, outside the grocery store, hiding in their car, eating, bingeing. And so I'm going to do my best not to be that person outside of Publix with, you know, candy wrappers leading up to the car. So.

[Jen]

But I won't.

[Birch]

They find you passed out with chocolate

[Melissa]

on your face, but I won't do it. No sugar this week.

[Jeff]

All right, Wendy, your advice that you're giving up for this week is, what

[Wendy]

are my diet pills? And I like my diet pills just because they give you a boost of energy in the morning. I'm used to taking two in the morning, and I haven't taken any today, this morning. So my energy level is already low. So I can't wait until Friday because, I don't know, I probably started taking diet pills maybe, like, three years ago or. Yeah, three years ago I started. And it's just been a different brand, like, pretty much every year, and it just speeds up your metabolism and gives you energy and you don't need caffeine.

[Jeff]

Well, yeah, a lot of those things, you may be having the same, like, withdrawal that a person trying to get off of caffeine will have because those things are loaded with caffeine and all sorts of stuff that you can get addicted to.

[Wendy]

Yeah. And I think you kind of have your, like, mind wrapped around, like, the whole diet pill concept. Like, you're like, oh, if I'm taking it, I must be losing weight. So you. Like, if you even stop taking it for a day, you'll be like, I can't eat anything. I can't eat anything because I don't have a diet pill in me.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Wendy]

Like, you feel like your metabolism will just shut off. So this week will be a downer.

[Jeff]

So which one specifically? Is there more than one?

[Wendy]

Well, I already threw out the other ones. I threw out the ones I had before I threw out the rip fuel and I threw out the stacker threes.

[Birch]

Macho milk.

[Jeff]

I took that rip fuel one time. Seriously, one of those pills kept me up all night long. They must be filled with caffeine.

[Wendy]

You have to take them in the morning. You take them as soon as you wake up. And then you can have one during the middle of the day. But yeah, past 3 o', clock, if you take one, you're done. You cannot go to bed.

[Jeff]

They make you all jittery and. Yeah. And you can't eat on them.

[Wendy]

Be careful with the rip fuel because as soon as you take it, you are going to be sweating. No matter if you walk like one step or like you sit down, you are going to be. You'll be pouring sweat.

[Jen]

Ew.

[Melissa]

God.

[Wendy]

I remember that. I took it right before class. I walked up the stairs to my class and I was like, this sucks. I look like I'm dying and it's like freezing in the building.

[Birch]

People are like, what's wrong with you?

[Wendy]

Why are you sweating? You're sitting down. Why are you sweating?

[Melissa]

So what is the box you have?

[Wendy]

Box I have is my xylene, which is a new, new diet pill that I've been. Been using for a couple weeks now. So I brought in the whole box of pills.

[Melissa]

Okay, box.

[Jen]

Box of pills.

[Jeff]

How you feeling about not being on them? I mean, when's the last time that you went more than one day without being on these?

[Wendy]

Oh, I don't remember.

[Jeff]

Like, years? Are we talking about?

[Wendy]

Yeah, I don't remember.

[Jeff]

You take a diet pill every day for years.

[Wendy]

Take that back. Every time I switch to a new one I usually take. I'll take two weeks off to two and a half weeks off to switch so my body can get off the old one and get on the new one.

[Jeff]

So your mindset is still. Even though you're not on it, it's still diet pill you're sacrificing because you're getting on a new one.

[Melissa]

Yes. Okay, so the majority of that time you've been on Majority. Yes. All right, and who is. Who gets her pills? Like, I'm just curious who's gonna take control of the other ones?

[Jeff]

We need to put them in certain kind of.

[Birch]

Bert should take them. Cause he's the guy who's gonna be tired.

[Jeff]

You wanna just trade Bison?

[Wendy]

Yeah, I'm already ex.

[Jeff]

Here's the rest of the Lunesta that I had. That's it. It's gone. Take it.

[Jen]

Did you take some last night?

[Jeff]

I did get one last night. And I took it over the weekend, but that's it. It's gone. Done.

[Birch]

Now this is.

[Jen]

Are you stressed?

[Birch]

Quite honestly, I think this is the worst for Burt.

[Melissa]

Cause if he could have insomnia all week.

[Birch]

Well, if any one of us have a meltdown, like, there's a Snicker bar or a store that sells diet pills or whatever, like, down the road. But if it's 11 o' clock at night, you can't get to the pharmacy. It's probably closed.

[Melissa]

Yeah, there's some that are 24. 7.

[Jeff]

Well, and it's prescribed also, so, I mean, I couldn't call in an order at 11 o'.

[Melissa]

Clock.

[Jeff]

So that's it. So this Lunesta, that's it.

[Jen]

That's how this whole thing started, too, is because we were telling Jeff, I think it was you saying to Bert, like, you just have got to do this for five days or two weeks or whatever it is. And then we all kind of jumped

[Jeff]

on the bandwagon with you, kind of show us support. You're gonna. Yeah, you're gonna hate the cheese.

[Jen]

But yours is the worst.

[Jeff]

I mean, mine's just not as accessible as yours. If you want to have a smoke later, you can. If I want to have a Lunesta, you're right. I can't do that. Mine is definitely. I can't do it.

[Wendy]

Can we replace them with something else with, like, another vice? Like, you can take, like, Diamond Tap?

[Jeff]

No, that's not the point of this one, Wendy.

[Melissa]

You have to go cold turkey all week.

[Birch]

Nyquil Birch, drinking Nyquil by the bottle.

[Melissa]

I'm putting my ice cream in the break room in the piranhas of this building.

[Jen]

We'll.

[Birch]

It'll be gone in 45 minutes

[Melissa]

because I can't have it sitting right here. So I'll take it in the break.

[Jeff]

I might find out at the end of this week that because I'm not taking these, like, maybe my body and my mind will be fine after three days of only, like, four hours of sleep a night. Maybe I can do that now. Maybe I'm so panicked that I needed more sleep before that I've been taking the pills, thinking I still need that sleep. Maybe I don't even need it. I don't know.

[Jen]

Yeah, I guess.

[Birch]

But this could be it, man. You gotta use the secret. You gotta be optimistic, because Melissa's right. I think we are doing this for you.

[Jeff]

Thank you. So it's a show of support.

[Birch]

So I think you can. I think if you're optimistic about it and you remember it's only five days. What do you have this weekend? Anything?

[Jeff]

Nothing.

[Birch]

You know what lined up?

[Jeff]

Really?

[Birch]

Here's actually a good mentality for you. It's five days this week, right? So get through this week, it's gonna suck. Then you've got a weekend. And next week it's only three days long, Thanksgiving week, and then Thanksgiving, you don't need them.

[Jen]

Thanksgiving.

[Birch]

And by the time that's there, you've gone two weeks without them, and you're gonna be fine.

[Jeff]

I'm really. I'm excited to see what the results are gonna be like. Can I do it? Do I really need this thing? Or is it all in my head so I'll know that by the end of the week? And Jen is cigarette smoking again.

[Jen]

Yep. I smoked in my twenties and quit for about three and a half years. And then this year I started smoking again with going through a divorce. And so, like, you know, it's time. I was actually really, really excited about that, you know, that we're all doing this together because I needed something to sort of make me do it. So here's my cigarettes.

[Melissa]

Here we go. It's so funny how I'm collecting all these things. I don't know why we're giving them to Melissa.

[Jeff]

I know, right?

[Jen]

So Melissa can diet, sleep, and smoke,

[Melissa]

but I just don't have sugar.

[Birch]

I know how you feel about Katie Joe's. I ain't giving you my BlackBerry. That thing will get smashed. Ooh, I'm sorry. I left it in my pocket.

[Melissa]

You cannot Give me your BlackBerry.

[Birch]

I washed it. I burned it.

[Jeff]

Are you able to give up the BlackBerry? Because we couldn't get you a lesser phone this week. So are you able to just give that thing up?

[Birch]

I'm actually part of me is tempted to go completely cell free for a week.

[Jen]

Oh, my God, you should so do it.

[Jeff]

How is that even possible?

[Birch]

No BlackBerry, no text, no cell phone.

[Wendy]

How do we get in touch with you?

[Jen]

You can email him and he can check it once he sits down to his computer.

[Birch]

Yeah. Or you can call my phone and I will check my voicemail.

[Jeff]

Do you even have a home phone?

[Birch]

You can still call the. I'm not gonna turn my phone number off.

[Jeff]

I see.

[Melissa]

So you.

[Birch]

Yeah, you could still call it, but,

[Jeff]

like, that's scaring me more than it is scaring you. It's like to not have any kind of contact with you or be able to text you or anything. That's gonna be strange.

[Jen]

I know, but you can still email him.

[Birch]

But people did it for Years.

[Melissa]

I would love, if it's possible, I would love for Jeff to go completely cold turkey just to see how the withdrawal.

[Jen]

Five days. It's not the end of the world.

[Melissa]

Work wise. I think I would love to see him do this, you know, to where he could still be in contact but not have the BlackBerry, because that is the thing of evil.

[Birch]

Yeah,

[Melissa]

I literally. I had to Katie's last night. I mean, I wish she was doing. I asked her to do this with you this week, and she went, I had to turn that thing over and put something on top of it so

[Birch]

she didn't see the light.

[Melissa]

It's that damn light that lets her know that it's time to ignore your girlfriend and get to me, please.

[Jeff]

And what makes this worse is that on Thursday, I'm supposed to get my first BlackBerry from Verizon.

[Birch]

So, yeah, Bert's on board, but I think I'm gonna go. I'm getting off the grid.

[Jeff]

Okay, Nice.

[Jen]

That's awesome.

[Jeff]

Just vice. Is BlackBerry using. That's done for the week. Jen. Cigarette smoking. Done. Melissa. Sugar? Done. Me, my sleeping pill. Lunesta. And Wendy.

[Wendy]

God bless me. Diet pills.

[Jeff]

No diet pills this week.

[Birch]

And, you know, Jessica has similar feelings as Melissa, so I thought she would be thrilled, you know, as I mentioned this, because I use my phone as my alarm clock, you know, so I'm sitting, I'm like, this is the last time. And I set it down and I turned off the email access, and she said, really? So? And I said, nope, not gonna use or anything. She goes, oh, so now we own a $400 alarm clock. The Birch Show.