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Announcer
The vert show.
Jeff
If you're playing if yesterday was 55 degrees and you played any Farmville, you're an idiot. It's been arctically cold here for two weeks. Go outside and plant a real garden.
Host 1
Someone set their alarm last night for 1:30 so they could get up.
Jeff
I don't believe.
Announcer
And water their crops.
Host 2
That's insane.
Jeff
You said that, but I wasn't here when you were talking about that. And true.
Host 3
Someone did.
Host 2
It's true. People get up in the middle of the night to harvest their crops.
Jeff
It doesn't make a difference.
Host 2
Virtual crops.
Jeff
They would water them up in the
Host 2
middle of the night and water their plants in their home.
Host 1
Intern Reshma's yeah, Reshma, come on up here. Get over here.
Host 2
Come on.
Host 1
We're just rehashing a conversation we've had already. But yeah, Reshma's mom, Right? So why don't you get up at 3 in the morning?
Reshma
Yeah, I got up this morning and I had a little extra time so I got on my farm just cause I had it. And my mom went on last night into my Facebook and watered all my plantlands. Down all my crops. She got home at 2:30.
Jeff
What happened in the morning?
Reshma
No, she got home at 2:30.
Host 1
For those of you that don't know what Farmville is, it's a virtual farm. And you wake up in the morning and you're supposed to water your crops and pull the weeds and you get ridiculous.
Jeff
But what happens if you don't water your. Why do you have to water them at 1 in the morning?
Reshma
You don't water them. You have to harvest them. Otherwise they wither and then you lose your money.
Jeff
Sorry. Lose the attitude. Okay? We're just talking. So what happens?
Host 2
It's an important game, Jeff.
Host 3
You don't Understand?
Jeff
So what happens if you don't harvest them at 1? Why can't you harvest them at 7? And when your alarm. Why don't you just set your alarm for $6.50 instead of seven and harvest them then?
Reshma
I think it's. Cause the crops will like lose their
Jeff
money and they go bad in six hours.
Reshma
Yeah.
Jeff
How kind of farmers. You gotta beat this clock.
Reshma
You gotta beat the clock.
Host 1
I think this is unfair, you guys. I think that we're on here and we're judging Farmville and none of us are on it. I am not at all. I think one of us has gotta do it just for a weekend.
Jeff
Not at all.
Host 1
Just for a weekend. You're the only.
Jeff
You're the last one out.
Host 1
Just for a weekend. Let me put all of our names in just this weekend so at least one of us on the show can talk and tell each other, I don't have time.
Host 2
I don't have time to harvest a crop.
Host 1
Then your crops may be dead by Monday, but at least you could come on here and at least talk intelligently about it.
Host 2
Let's have Melissa do it.
Reshma
I was gonna say she's got.
Host 1
She got plenty of time.
Host 2
She's sitting on the couch recovering.
Host 1
Will you email Melissa and tell her
Host 2
she's not feeling well, but she can harvest virtual crops?
Host 1
I think that's a great idea. Cause she's been out all week. She's not doing anything else.
Jeff
I'm gonna send her a text and just see if she's up. Chances of that are zero, but I'm gonna do it anyways.
Host 2
There's no chance she's up.
Host 1
We keep ripping on farmville and none of us have actually played it. So we'll get Melissa to play it for this weekend and then she can tell us all about it on Tuesday.
Host 2
She has no say in this.
Host 1
Melissa, by the way, you miss five days a show.
Jeff
I'm going to tell you two things that Melissa will never do. One, participate in a bird show. Bet that actually involves cash.
Host 1
Well, this one doesn't.
Jeff
And two, set an alarm to get up when she doesn't have to go to a paying job, Right?
Host 1
No, and I respect her for that. But at least this weekend she can play it and she can come in here and she can tell us what's up.
Host 2
Maybe so.
Host 1
And then we could.
Jeff
What if she gets.
Host 2
She's like the gamer on the show. She enjoys that kind of stuff.
Host 1
Let's do it.
Jeff
Yes. Let's keep talking. Or justifying the fact that the weak person who's not here is the one that we just forced into that crap.
Host 1
Hey, Rachel. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.
Rachel
Good morning.
Host 2
Good morning.
Rachel
I listen to you guys every morning.
Host 1
Thank you.
Rachel
Okay, I am a rabid farmville user. I pretty much use it every day, so I want to clear up this crop issue. What happens is there are like 38 different kinds of crops that you can plant or, well, like 50. And a lot of them take different amounts of time. So you can plant something that's going to take 12 hours or four days. And however long it takes to harvest, that's how long it'll take to wither.
Host 1
Rachel, let me ask you this. I'm a results based guy. So if I get up in the morning at 2 in the morning and I harvest the crops or I pull my weed or whatever it is I'm doing.
Host 2
That's what he said.
Jeff
Bert, I thought you pulled your weed before you went to bed.
Host 1
I thought you were pulling my weed.
Jeff
I thought you said pulling your weed helps you sleep.
Rachel
For planting different crops, you get certain amounts of money.
Host 1
So how much is it for pulling a weed?
Rachel
You can't pull the weed on your own lawn. You have to pull on other people's.
Jeff
Why would you want to weed somebody else's lawn? It's not even fun doing your own. You get points for it, but I don't care.
Host 1
And at the end of the day, how much money are we talking about that you could get?
Rachel
Well, from most of the crops that I plant, I get about 200 farm bill coins per crop.
Host 1
Does that translate into real coins like, like pennies and nickels and dollars and stuff?
Rachel
No, it's just farm bill coins. They don't. They have no value in the real world.
Host 2
You get prizes or anything.
Jeff
Why do you want them?
Rachel
Well, you get prizes like on Farmville, but I don't know why the game's so addicting, but it is. I'm on level 37.
Jeff
Well, I got an idea. Why don't you and I get together this weekend? You can pull my weed and I'll give you some pretend money for that. We'll just do. We'll just meet somewhere, have a couple drinks, harvest each other's crops. I'll give you some gonzo coins.
Announcer
The Bird Show.
Bluff
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Host 3
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Episode Date: June 22, 2026
In this throwback “Vault” episode, the Bert Show cast dives into the cultural phenomenon of Farmville, the notorious Facebook-based farming game. After poking fun at Farmville users, the crew debates whether any of them truly understand the game’s addictive qualities. Their curiosity—and a bit of peer pressure—leads to one cast member (in absentia) being “volunteered” to experience Farmville firsthand, all in the name of research. With input from the cast, intern Reshma, and a dedicated Farmville fan named Rachel, this episode is filled with hilarious quips, playful ribbing, and some real talk about online gaming obsessions.
“If you're playing... any Farmville, you're an idiot. It's been arctically cold here for two weeks. Go outside and plant a real garden.” [00:47]
“My mom went on last night into my Facebook and watered all my… crops. She got home at 2:30.” – Reshma [01:20]
“You have to harvest them. Otherwise they wither and then you lose your money.” – Reshma [01:47]
“You gotta beat the clock.” [02:11]
“I think that we're on here and we're judging Farmville and none of us are on it. … I think one of us has gotta do it just for a weekend.” [02:12]
“I’m going to tell you two things that Melissa will never do. One, participate in a Bird Show bet that actually involves cash. … And two, set an alarm to get up when she doesn’t have to go to a paying job, Right?” [03:11]
“There are like 38 different kinds of crops … a lot of them take different amounts of time. So you can plant something that's going to take 12 hours or four days. And however long it takes to harvest, that's how long it'll take to wither.” – Rachel [03:49]
“No, it's just Farmville coins. ... They have no value in the real world.” [05:13]
Host 1: “So how much is it for pulling a weed?” [04:46]
Rachel: “You can't pull the weed on your own lawn. You have to pull on other people's.” [04:49]
Jeff: “Why would you want to weed somebody else's lawn? It's not even fun doing your own.” [04:52]
“Why don't you and I get together this weekend? You can pull my weed and I'll give you some pretend money for that. … We'll just meet somewhere, have a couple drinks, harvest each other's crops. I'll give you some gonzo coins.” [05:28]
On Farmville dedication:
“People get up in the middle of the night to harvest their crops.” – Host 2 [01:03]
Skepticism about the rewards:
“Does that translate into real coins like, like pennies and nickels and dollars and stuff?” – Host 1 [05:08]
Rachel on Farmville appeal:
“I don't know why the game's so addicting, but it is. I'm on level 37.” – Rachel [05:20]
Classic Jeff humor:
“Bert, I thought you pulled your weed before you went to bed.” – Jeff [04:30]
“I thought you said pulling your weed helps you sleep.” – Jeff [04:35]
The classic Bert Show blend of playful teasing, genuine curiosity, and snappy one-liners is front-and-center. The conversation is light-hearted but manages to reveal the cultural oddity and surprising appeal of Farmville, especially during its heyday.
This episode is both a roast and a reluctant exploration of Farmville obsession. The cast’s skepticism is met with real-life stories from staff and listeners, and their laughter highlights how the game’s absurdities mirror real-life behaviors. By the end, the Bert Show promises a field report after Melissa is “voluntold” to get her hands dirty on the virtual farm—further proving that no one is immune to a little social gaming peer pressure.