Vault: The cast was forced to play Farmville

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault – The Cast Was Forced to Play Farmville

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this throwback “Vault” episode, the Bert Show cast dives into the cultural phenomenon of Farmville, the notorious Facebook-based farming game. After poking fun at Farmville users, the crew debates whether any of them truly understand the game’s addictive qualities. Their curiosity—and a bit of peer pressure—leads to one cast member (in absentia) being “volunteered” to experience Farmville firsthand, all in the name of research. With input from the cast, intern Reshma, and a dedicated Farmville fan named Rachel, this episode is filled with hilarious quips, playful ribbing, and some real talk about online gaming obsessions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Farmville Jabs and Stereotypes

• The episode starts with the cast teasing Farmville players for the game's dedication, especially those who wake up in the middle of the night to tend to virtual crops.
• Jeff asserts:

  “If you're playing... any Farmville, you're an idiot. It's been arctically cold here for two weeks. Go outside and plant a real garden.” [00:47]

2. Intern Reshma's Farmville Household

• Intern Reshma admits she got up early to check her farm, and her mom even played on her behalf late at night.

  “My mom went on last night into my Facebook and watered all my… crops. She got home at 2:30.” – Reshma [01:20]

• The group presses her on the mechanics—and the necessity—of this commitment.

  “You have to harvest them. Otherwise they wither and then you lose your money.” – Reshma [01:47]

3. The Mechanics and Pressure of the Game

• Reshma explains the urgency:

  “You gotta beat the clock.” [02:11]

• The cast, expressing skepticism, wonders why anyone would voluntarily set an alarm to play a Facebook game at odd hours.

4. Volunteering a Cast Member—Without Their Input

• None of the hosts have played Farmville, leading Host 1 to suggest:

  “I think that we're on here and we're judging Farmville and none of us are on it. … I think one of us has gotta do it just for a weekend.” [02:12]

• The group “assigns” the absent Melissa to play Farmville as an experiment, rationalizing that as she’s out sick, she has the time.
• Jeff jokes about Melissa’s probable unwillingness:

  “I’m going to tell you two things that Melissa will never do. One, participate in a Bird Show bet that actually involves cash. … And two, set an alarm to get up when she doesn’t have to go to a paying job, Right?” [03:11]

5. A Listener Explains the Obsession

• Rachel, a self-identified “rabid Farmville user,” calls in to break down the actual game mechanics and dispel some myths.

  “There are like 38 different kinds of crops … a lot of them take different amounts of time. So you can plant something that's going to take 12 hours or four days. And however long it takes to harvest, that's how long it'll take to wither.” – Rachel [03:49]

• She clarifies that rewards are virtual and have no real-world value:

  “No, it's just Farmville coins. ... They have no value in the real world.” [05:13]

6. Memorable Banter and Classic Cast Humor

• On the topic of “weeding”:

  Host 1: “So how much is it for pulling a weed?” [04:46]
  Rachel: “You can't pull the weed on your own lawn. You have to pull on other people's.” [04:49]
  Jeff: “Why would you want to weed somebody else's lawn? It's not even fun doing your own.” [04:52]

• Jeff turns the conversation into comedic gold, proposing:

  “Why don't you and I get together this weekend? You can pull my weed and I'll give you some pretend money for that. … We'll just meet somewhere, have a couple drinks, harvest each other's crops. I'll give you some gonzo coins.” [05:28]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Farmville dedication:

  “People get up in the middle of the night to harvest their crops.” – Host 2 [01:03]

• Skepticism about the rewards:

  “Does that translate into real coins like, like pennies and nickels and dollars and stuff?” – Host 1 [05:08]

• Rachel on Farmville appeal:

  “I don't know why the game's so addicting, but it is. I'm on level 37.” – Rachel [05:20]

• Classic Jeff humor:

  “Bert, I thought you pulled your weed before you went to bed.” – Jeff [04:30]
  “I thought you said pulling your weed helps you sleep.” – Jeff [04:35]

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Key Timestamps

• 00:47 – Opening Farmville skepticism; hosts question the level of dedication.
• 01:20 – Intern Reshma reveals her and her mom's Farmville habits.
• 01:47–02:11 – Explanation of the urgency to harvest crops in time.
• 02:12–03:08 – Debate about which host should try Farmville; Melissa is “volunteered.”
• 03:44 – Listener Rachel calls in, describing game details and correcting misconceptions.
• 04:46 – Funny dialogue about weeding and in-game “money.”
• 05:28 – Jeff offers up his signature sarcastic take.

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Tone & Style

The classic Bert Show blend of playful teasing, genuine curiosity, and snappy one-liners is front-and-center. The conversation is light-hearted but manages to reveal the cultural oddity and surprising appeal of Farmville, especially during its heyday.

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Summary

This episode is both a roast and a reluctant exploration of Farmville obsession. The cast’s skepticism is met with real-life stories from staff and listeners, and their laughter highlights how the game’s absurdities mirror real-life behaviors. By the end, the Bert Show promises a field report after Melissa is “voluntold” to get her hands dirty on the virtual farm—further proving that no one is immune to a little social gaming peer pressure.

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Transcript

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[Announcer]

The vert show.

[Jeff]

If you're playing if yesterday was 55 degrees and you played any Farmville, you're an idiot. It's been arctically cold here for two weeks. Go outside and plant a real garden.

[Host 1]

Someone set their alarm last night for 1:30 so they could get up.

[Jeff]

I don't believe.

[Announcer]

And water their crops.

[Host 2]

That's insane.

[Jeff]

You said that, but I wasn't here when you were talking about that. And true.

[Host 3]

Someone did.

[Host 2]

It's true. People get up in the middle of the night to harvest their crops.

[Jeff]

It doesn't make a difference.

[Host 2]

Virtual crops.

[Jeff]

They would water them up in the

[Host 2]

middle of the night and water their plants in their home.

[Host 1]

Intern Reshma's yeah, Reshma, come on up here. Get over here.

[Host 2]

Come on.

[Host 1]

We're just rehashing a conversation we've had already. But yeah, Reshma's mom, Right? So why don't you get up at 3 in the morning?

[Reshma]

Yeah, I got up this morning and I had a little extra time so I got on my farm just cause I had it. And my mom went on last night into my Facebook and watered all my plantlands. Down all my crops. She got home at 2:30.

[Jeff]

What happened in the morning?

[Reshma]

No, she got home at 2:30.

[Host 1]

For those of you that don't know what Farmville is, it's a virtual farm. And you wake up in the morning and you're supposed to water your crops and pull the weeds and you get ridiculous.

[Jeff]

But what happens if you don't water your. Why do you have to water them at 1 in the morning?

[Reshma]

You don't water them. You have to harvest them. Otherwise they wither and then you lose your money.

[Jeff]

Sorry. Lose the attitude. Okay? We're just talking. So what happens?

[Host 2]

It's an important game, Jeff.

[Host 3]

You don't Understand?

[Jeff]

So what happens if you don't harvest them at 1? Why can't you harvest them at 7? And when your alarm. Why don't you just set your alarm for $6.50 instead of seven and harvest them then?

[Reshma]

I think it's. Cause the crops will like lose their

[Jeff]

money and they go bad in six hours.

[Reshma]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

How kind of farmers. You gotta beat this clock.

[Reshma]

You gotta beat the clock.

[Host 1]

I think this is unfair, you guys. I think that we're on here and we're judging Farmville and none of us are on it. I am not at all. I think one of us has gotta do it just for a weekend.

[Jeff]

Not at all.

[Host 1]

Just for a weekend. You're the only.

[Jeff]

You're the last one out.

[Host 1]

Just for a weekend. Let me put all of our names in just this weekend so at least one of us on the show can talk and tell each other, I don't have time.

[Host 2]

I don't have time to harvest a crop.

[Host 1]

Then your crops may be dead by Monday, but at least you could come on here and at least talk intelligently about it.

[Host 2]

Let's have Melissa do it.

[Reshma]

I was gonna say she's got.

[Host 1]

She got plenty of time.

[Host 2]

She's sitting on the couch recovering.

[Host 1]

Will you email Melissa and tell her

[Host 2]

she's not feeling well, but she can harvest virtual crops?

[Host 1]

I think that's a great idea. Cause she's been out all week. She's not doing anything else.

[Jeff]

I'm gonna send her a text and just see if she's up. Chances of that are zero, but I'm gonna do it anyways.

[Host 2]

There's no chance she's up.

[Host 1]

We keep ripping on farmville and none of us have actually played it. So we'll get Melissa to play it for this weekend and then she can tell us all about it on Tuesday.

[Host 2]

She has no say in this.

[Host 1]

Melissa, by the way, you miss five days a show.

[Jeff]

I'm going to tell you two things that Melissa will never do. One, participate in a bird show. Bet that actually involves cash.

[Host 1]

Well, this one doesn't.

[Jeff]

And two, set an alarm to get up when she doesn't have to go to a paying job, Right?

[Host 1]

No, and I respect her for that. But at least this weekend she can play it and she can come in here and she can tell us what's up.

[Host 2]

Maybe so.

[Host 1]

And then we could.

[Jeff]

What if she gets.

[Host 2]

She's like the gamer on the show. She enjoys that kind of stuff.

[Host 1]

Let's do it.

[Jeff]

Yes. Let's keep talking. Or justifying the fact that the weak person who's not here is the one that we just forced into that crap.

[Host 1]

Hey, Rachel. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Rachel]

Good morning.

[Host 2]

Good morning.

[Rachel]

I listen to you guys every morning.

[Host 1]

Thank you.

[Rachel]

Okay, I am a rabid farmville user. I pretty much use it every day, so I want to clear up this crop issue. What happens is there are like 38 different kinds of crops that you can plant or, well, like 50. And a lot of them take different amounts of time. So you can plant something that's going to take 12 hours or four days. And however long it takes to harvest, that's how long it'll take to wither.

[Host 1]

Rachel, let me ask you this. I'm a results based guy. So if I get up in the morning at 2 in the morning and I harvest the crops or I pull my weed or whatever it is I'm doing.

[Host 2]

That's what he said.

[Jeff]

Bert, I thought you pulled your weed before you went to bed.

[Host 1]

I thought you were pulling my weed.

[Jeff]

I thought you said pulling your weed helps you sleep.

[Rachel]

For planting different crops, you get certain amounts of money.

[Host 1]

So how much is it for pulling a weed?

[Rachel]

You can't pull the weed on your own lawn. You have to pull on other people's.

[Jeff]

Why would you want to weed somebody else's lawn? It's not even fun doing your own. You get points for it, but I don't care.

[Host 1]

And at the end of the day, how much money are we talking about that you could get?

[Rachel]

Well, from most of the crops that I plant, I get about 200 farm bill coins per crop.

[Host 1]

Does that translate into real coins like, like pennies and nickels and dollars and stuff?

[Rachel]

No, it's just farm bill coins. They don't. They have no value in the real world.

[Host 2]

You get prizes or anything.

[Jeff]

Why do you want them?

[Rachel]

Well, you get prizes like on Farmville, but I don't know why the game's so addicting, but it is. I'm on level 37.

[Jeff]

Well, I got an idea. Why don't you and I get together this weekend? You can pull my weed and I'll give you some pretend money for that. We'll just do. We'll just meet somewhere, have a couple drinks, harvest each other's crops. I'll give you some gonzo coins.

[Announcer]

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