Vault: The Drunken Tailgate Caller Called In

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault — The Drunken Tailgate Caller Called In

Date: May 11, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives into a memorable call-in segment featuring Chris, affectionately remembered as “The Drunken Tailgate Caller,” who attended the Georgia vs. Florida college football game in Jacksonville. The Bert Show previously tasked Chris with being their embedded “voicemail reporter,” documenting his tailgating and game day adventures—complete with frequent, increasingly inebriated voicemails. The crew revisits Chris’s misadventures to capture the fun and inevitable letdown of a true college football weekend.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Introducing Chris, the Tailgate Reporter

• Purpose: The team followed up with Chris after assigning him to “report” from the Georgia-Florida game via a series of voicemails.
• Georgia’s Tough Day: Hosts discuss Georgia’s lopsided loss and brace for how it might affect Chris’s mood.
  • “Oh, him being a Georgia fan on Saturday…Florida started off strong and never let up. They whooped ass. They whooped our ass bad.” — D (01:13)

2. Chris’s Voicemail Chronicle: A Timeline of Tailgating

The episode’s heart is Chris’s “audio diary,” which the cast listens to and reacts to in real time.

a. Morning Kickoff: Hopeful & Sober

• 9:48 AM: Chris’s first voicemail
  • “Tailgate set up. I’m not gonna count the first drink for breakfast, so first drink starts now.” — Chris (01:44)
  • Reaction from the cast: “Sounds very together.” — D (01:55)

b. Pre-Game Escalation: Spirits Rising

• 11:59 AM: Second update
  • Chris is upbeat, tailgating, noting the arrival of more Georgia fans and a bullhorn.
  • “Still tailgating, waiting to go in the stadium…About two hours until we head up to the stadium. See ya.” (02:09)
  • Show notes that kickoff was at 3:30 PM, indicating several hours of drinking ahead.
  • “He started at 9:30 or so.” — B (02:39)
  • “Okay, tell a little difference there…” — D (02:41)

c. Approaching the Game: Signs of Wear

• 1:40 PM: Third update
  • Chris sounds more affected by alcohol.
  • “We are heading to the game, and I must say, I’ve completed my task and I am totally up.” — Chris (02:51)
  • Immediate cast jokes:
    • “See, he starts losing letters as the night goes on. He lost his Ls.” — B (03:06)
    • “It starts off with 26 letters in the alphabet, and then by the end of the night, you’re down to four.” — B (03:13)

d. Entering the Stadium: Energy Peaks

• 2:00 PM: Fourth update
  • Lots of background noise, chaotic energy, and lively banter.
  • “We are walking now to the stadium. Yeah, we need to bleep that out. Okay. Whoa.” — Chris (03:31)
  • Cast laughs about background singing:
    • “The girl in the background is the worst. When you start singing, that’s always a good sign.” — D (03:46)

e. Halftime: The Hangover Sets In

• 4:55 PM: Fifth update
  • Chris starts coming down from the high.
  • “It is Chris in Jacksonville. Three minutes of our time and we’re out of bed. And it’s a dry stadium, so we’re pretty much screwed. Anyways. We’ll call you for another hour. Bye.” — Chris (04:01)
  • Hosts reflect on the typical halftime crash of a tailgate bender:
    • “I have been here, too. It’s so depressing because…you hit that last sip and it’s just halftime…” — B (04:21)

f. Post-Game: The Deflated Finale

• 7:30 PM: Last voicemail — a broken man
  • “Not a good game.” — Chris (04:49, 05:16 and repeated for emphasis)
  • Hosts empathize and poke fun at the repeated misery:
    • “That was the saddest voicemail ever.” — D (05:03)
    • “Play that last one again.” — C (05:06)
    • “He needs a hug.” — D (05:27)

3. Hosts’ Reactions & Banter

• The team laughs at Chris’s progression through inebriation, noting how his speech and mood change (“losing letters”).
• They recall shared experiences of tailgating highs and the sobering crash of sports disappointment.
• The show ends by remembering “happier times”—Chris’s hopeful earlier voicemail.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the perils of early-morning drinking:
  “I’m not gonna count the first drink for breakfast, so first drink starts now.” — Chris (01:44)

• On the stadium’s no-alcohol policy and the halftime crash:
  “It’s a dry stadium, so we’re pretty much screwed. Anyways…” — Chris (04:01)
  “When you hit that last sip and it’s just halftime…this is game over.” — B (04:21)

• The ultimate post-loss mood:
  “Not a good game. Not a good game. He said it twice.” — Hosts quoting Chris (05:16)

• Hosts’ comedic summary:
  “Let’s remember him in happier times.” — B (05:29)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:44 — Chris’s first, energetic tailgate voicemail
• 02:09 — Upbeat, pre-game update
• 02:51 — Clearly inebriated, slurring update
• 03:31 — Chaotic stadium walk with musical background
• 04:01 — Halftime: Dry stadium and spirits sinking
• 04:49 & 05:16 — Devastated post-game voicemail: “Not a good game”

---

Summary

In this classic Bert Show moment, the hosts blend listener participation, sports fandom, and friendly teasing. Chris’s tailgate voicemails capture the rise and fall of a fan’s hopes and buzz on college football Saturday: hope, hype, chaos, crash, and heartbreak. The cast’s reactions are both sympathetic and hilarious, making the misery more bearable for all involved. Whether or not you're a football fan, Chris’s journey from pre-game optimism to post-game despair is a universally relatable tale of the tailgating life.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Jake Grez, also known as Nurse Jake. As a travel nurse, I've worked in all kinds of places, different settings, cities and climates. Every assignment brings on a new challenge, which is why I always bring my figs. These scrubs are built for whatever the job throws at you. They're breathable, flexible and comfortable in any environment. No matter where I land, I know they're going to keep me looking and feeling my best. And don't sleep on the details, the pockets, the features, the finishing touches. Everything has a purpose and it makes a real difference when you're moving non stop. The fit is clean, tailored and super polished. And they come in a huge range of colors. In other words, they feel great throughout a 12 hour shift and they always look good. See every healthcare professional on Instagram. If you work in healthcare or know someone who does, check out figs and get 15% off your first order at wearfigs.com with code FIGSRX. That's wearfigs.com code FIGSRX.

[B]

This is the Bird show. I right. These are from Chris. Remember we talked to Chris on Thursday and we were looking for a.

[C]

Speaking of fuzzy, we were looking for

[B]

a voicemail reporter, somebody to go to Jacksonville for the Georgia Florida game and just send us voicemails from time to time as the game went on or as your pre game went on and then the game and then maybe afterwards.

[D]

Oh him being a Georgia fan on Saturday, I mean. Cause Saturday, Florida. I mean, I'm sorry Katie, but yeah, Florida started off strong and never let up. They whooped ass. They whooped our ass bad.

[B]

It's painful, it's beautiful.

[D]

So I'm curious if this reporting is gonna have any positive, anything in it at all because GJ never really got a hold of Florida.

[E]

Sent October 31st at 9:48am Message one morning bird show.

[F]

This is Chris in Jacksonville, Florida. Tailgate set up. I'm not gonna count the first drink for breakfast, so first drink starts now.

[B]

All right, that's our starting point.

[D]

Sounds very together.

[C]

What was the time on that one again?

[D]

9:38.

[C]

Okay, perfect.

[E]

Sent October 31st at 11:59am

[F]

it is from Jacksonville. A few more and we're good to go. Still tailgating, waiting to go in the stadium. T minus what? It's noon so C minus the more Georgia fans just pulled out. We got a bullhorn and. About two hours until we head up to the stadium. See ya.

[B]

It was a 3:30 kickoff, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And he started at 9:30 or so.

[D]

Okay, tell a little difference there sent

[E]

October 31st at 1:40pm

[F]

we are heading to the game, and I must say, I've completed my task and I am totally up.

[B]

See, he starts. He's like me. You start losing letters as the night goes on. And he lost his Ls.

[D]

Did you hear that in the middle words? Yes.

[B]

It starts off with 26 letters in the Alphabet, and then by the end of the night, you're down to four letters.

[C]

It becomes like the Hawaiian Alphabet, where there's like.

[E]

Sent October 31st at 2pm I'm here from Asheville Live.

[F]

We are walking now to the stadium. Yeah, we need to bleep that out. Okay. Whoa.

[D]

The girl in the background is the worst. When you start singing, that's always a good sign.

[C]

Background girls are always fun.

[B]

Two left.

[E]

Sent October 31st at 4:55pm halftime.

[F]

It is Christian Jacksonville. Three minutes of our time and we're out of bed. And it's a dry stadium, so we're pretty much screwed. Anyways. We'll call you for another hour. Bye.

[D]

Coming down. Definitely coming down.

[B]

I have been here, too. It's so depressing because I've taken flasks in the stadium, and when you hit that last sip and it's just halftime and you've got. You're looking at the clock, you really start weighing your options. Do I really want to watch the second half's over? Do I really want to come down? Do I really want to be hungover at the end of this game? Or should I just leave right now? This is game over.

[E]

Fent. October 31st at 7:30pm first show, 7:30, in the car.

[F]

Not a good game.

[C]

That's it. I don't even care about college football, and I'm depressed for.

[D]

That was the saddest voicemail ever. Trust me.

[C]

Play that last one again.

[D]

I don't know how it feels.

[A]

I'm in the car.

[E]

Sent October 31st at 7:30pm first show,

[F]

7:30, in the car. Not a good game. Not a good game. He said it twice.

[B]

The double. Not a good game.

[D]

He needs a hug.

[B]

Let's remember him in happier times.

[E]

Sent Oct. 31 at 1:40pm Bird Show.

[B]

This is the Birch show.