Vault: The Girlfriend Email Chain That Got Nastier With Every Single Message - The Bert Show

Episode Overview

Theme:
This episode of The Bert Show dives into a hilariously dramatic saga—a viral email chain sent by a girlfriend who did not realize her boyfriend had left for a two-week backpacking trip around Europe. The boyfriend, unable to communicate with her (his phone was off to avoid roaming charges), returns to a trove of emails chronicling her growing confusion, anger, and regret. The Bert Show team recounts the emails and offers their running commentary, exploring the escalating emotional rollercoaster captured in her messages.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Scene (01:02 – 03:30)

Bert introduces the email chain as a series of on-screen texts, sometimes set to music in the viral video where the story first gained popularity.
The story’s premise: A boyfriend travels to Europe; his girlfriend doesn’t notice he’s gone, leading to a sequence of increasingly frantic and emotional emails.

“During the summer of 2007, I had the opportunity to backpack around Europe for two weeks. ...My girlfriend, although great in many respects, was not the world’s greatest listener. I left on Friday, June 1… She never realized I left.”
— Narration, (01:30)

The Email Saga Unfolds

June 1 – Oblivious Beginnings

11:31 AM – Light-hearted and casual:
“Maddie, baby, smooch… Me and the girls are gonna hit up Maddie tonight. …You and the boys should come out too. Love, M.”
4:00 PM – Slight confusion:
“Hey hon, me again. Tried calling… kept going right to voicemail. You’re not screening me, are you?”

Show commentary chuckles at the complete obliviousness and notes his phone was off for the trip. (03:40)

June 3 – Confusion Turns to Frustration

First hint of worry and frustration:
“JD, WTF? Why are you not responding to my calls and emails?”
“I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here, babe. Call me ASAP!!!” (04:00)
Empty email sent—possible accidental send in heightened state.

June 5 – Accusations & Conspiracy

Subject: “WTF? What the expletive...”
“Why are you avoiding me? You won’t return my texts… Your friend Jeremy is such a BSer. When he said he hadn’t seen you, I could hear you in the background. I thought you were different! F***nut.”
(05:00)
Ultimatum:
“Last chance... call me tonight with the best excuse of your life, or I walk. A**hole!”

“Here’s where the crazy starts.” — Bert (04:45)

June 5 – Official Breakup Threats

“I’ve tried calling your friends, your mom. What the f*** did I do? Was it just time to dump me?”
“We’re through. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t bother. Now you’ll never know what you lost. I was the one. I feel so sorry for you—ha ha ha.” (06:00)

Show points out this is day five out of twelve, and her emotions are spiraling fast.

June 8 – The Rage Peaks

All-caps, no subject:
“I HATE YOU.” (07:00)

The Bert Show laughs at the progression: “All the crazy buttons turn on hardcore.” — Bert (07:05)

June 10 – Revenge & Justification

Subject: “F UUUUUUUUU...”
“That friend you were jealous of… I was crying to him about you… he told me how amazing I was, so I [slept with him] to show you I’m right. Now who’s the stupid one? Don’t cry for me.” (07:30)

June 12 – The Guilt-Ridden Plea

Subject: “Read ASAP. JD call me. We need to talk.”
Subject: “Just listen”
“I’m mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us… You owe me a conversation. At least a chance. From M.” (08:45)

The Bert Show notes the emotional whiplash. (09:00)

June 15 – Bitterness Takes Over

Subject: “I tried. I tried to reach out…” “I take back all those nice things I said. I’m glad we’re broken up. You’re boring as s***. I pretended so many times to like stupid things you liked… I realize now you bring out the worst in me. I’m a million times better without you. …So long, JD.” (10:00)
Host notes the intensity: “She’s just unloading at this point!” (10:20)

June 14 – Realization & Damage Control

Subject: “OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READ ANY OTHER EMAILS!!!” “If you love me, you will delete every email I’ve sent you over the past week without reading it.”
(11:00)
The email reveals she finally learned he was in Europe after dropping off his things and running into his mom.

“Please, I’m begging you… do not read any email but this one. We’ve all made mistakes while you’ve been away. I can explain it all. Call me ASAP. I love you with all my heart and soul. From M.” (11:20)

Reflection & Lessons Learned (12:00 – 13:00)

Wrap-up by the boyfriend:
“I read the emails. M and I are no longer together. I learned two very important lessons…
1. Careful when you date passionate people—passion swings both ways.
2. When you go to Europe for two weeks, leave your phone on.” (12:50)

“That’s going to be a movie.” — Bert (13:00)

Memorable Quotes

Bert: “Here’s where the crazy starts.” (04:45)
Email from M (June 5): “Call me tonight with the best excuse of your life, or I walk. A**hole.”
Email from M (June 10): “Now who’s the stupid one? Oh, I can get any guy I want.”
Bert: “All the crazy buttons turn on hardcore.” (07:05)
Email from M (June 14): “If you love me, you will delete every email I’ve sent you over the past week without reading it.” (11:05)
Boyfriend’s Final Note: “Passion swings both ways. Sometimes they’ll love you, sometimes they’ll hate you.” (12:50)

Notable Moments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:02 | Host sets up the viral email chain story | | 03:40 | Reading first clueless messages from M | | 04:45 | “Here’s where the crazy starts”—beginning of angry emails | | 07:05 | “I HATE YOU” message—emotional peak | | 07:30–09:00 | Email about cheating for revenge; plea for reconciliation; emotional whiplash | | 11:00–11:20 | Realization and request to delete her previous emails | | 12:50 | Boyfriend’s humorous, self-aware closing lessons |

Summary

This Bert Show episode delivers a comical and sometimes cringeworthy narrative of how communication breakdowns, unchecked assumptions, and emotional extremes can create chaos in relationships. By reading and reacting to each escalation in the girlfriend’s email chain, the cast provides commentary that blends awe, disbelief, and laughter. The story is a reminder of how easily misunderstandings can spiral—and why it might be wise to leave your phone on during international trips.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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It's basically just a black screen and then some white words start to come up on the screen and then this music starts to play. And then it's just different shots of the author of this, of these emails and this video in Europe. He's backpacking over here, he's backpacking over there. And they're just little bitty pictures sort of in the corner. And in the middle of the screen is all the texts from the emails that his former girlfriend has been sending him for two weeks. So it's great. Just. That's it. It's just the te. Okay, so the first thing you see on the screen is this. It says, during the summer of 2007, I had the opportunity to backpack around Europe for two weeks. I talked about it often before I left. My girlfriend, however, although great in many respects, was not the world's greatest listener. I left on Friday, June 1. Despite even calling her to say goodbye the night before. She never realized I left. When I arrived home two weeks later, I had several emails from her waiting in my inbox. Then it's just. Then again, white comes up. Friday, June 1st, 11:31am Maddie, baby, smooch. Hey, doll. Me and the girls are gonna hit up Maddie tonight. I'll call you in a bit. You and the boys should come out too. Love m. Same day, 4 o'. Clock. Come on out, eh? Hey, hon, me again. Try calling yourself a few times today, but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me, are you? Little question mark, but still a smiley face. Now he lets you know in this Video. My cell phone was off for the entire trip so that I wouldn't get insane roaming charges in Europe. So why even bring your phone right now? June 3rd, subject. Ah, hello, question mark. JD, WTF? Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you? I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here, babe. Call me asap. Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Here's where the crazy starts. Later on, same day, June 3rd. No subject. Email was empty, so I think she was getting ready to send something. Probably deleted it and then accidentally sent it. There's no text. Tuesday, June 5, subject. WTF? What the expletive with an F is going on? Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell. You won't return my text. Jd, wtf? I know you're around. Your friend Jeremy is such a BSer. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend, I could hear you talking in the background. Oh, my God. I thought you were different. Expletive F. Nut. Oh, last chance. Dot, dot, dot. Call me tonight with the best excuse of your life, or I walk. Expletive hole. Oh, no. Keeps going. Tuesday, June 5, subject. Read this expletive with an hole. I've tried to call you. I've tried calling your friends, your mom. What the expletive with an F did I do? Was it just time? Time to dump me? You could at least tell it to my face. Expletive with a hole. We're through. Don't call me. Don't text me. Don't bother. Now you'll never know what you lost. I was the one. And now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you. Ha ha ha. What was this one? This was June 5th. Dude, that's day two. He left the first. We're five days into it, and he's still gone for a week and a half. Yes, beyond this. Now he writes in his editor note. She left messages at my mom's demanding I call her back. My mom would have called her too, to tell her I was in Europe, except she didn't leave her number and my mom doesn't have it. So now we're on to June 8th. No subject. I hate you. That's all I just said. That's great. All the crazy buttons turn on hardcore. No subject, just in bold letters. I hate you. Oh, God, that's June 8th. Okay, okay. Now we're going to June 10th. Subject F U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, U, C. You know. Yeah, you get it. Hey. Expletive face with an F. That's awesome. It's a favorite word. Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of? The one I told you that nothing ever happened with? No. Well, I was crying with him about you, and he told me how amazing I was, how he always thought so, and so I. Expletive with an F, past tense to show you I'm right. Now who's the stupid one? Oh, I can get any guy I want. And what are you doing just sitting at home crying over how you lost me? Well, don't cry for me, because you're already lost. Expletive with an hole dole. Wow. Tuesday, June 12th. Subject Read ASAP. J.D. call me. We need to talk. Same day, Tuesday, June 12th. Subject Just listen. Here's the email. Okay, fine. You don't want to call me, then just listen. I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us, and now you're gone and throwing it all away, and I have no idea why. Jd, we were amazing together, weren't we? We always had fun. I tried to be so easygoing and happy with you. We were the couple that could spend an evening out with our friends or laze around on the couch, and either way, end it all in a fantastic way with sex and confessions of love. I know that something has happened to change all that, but you have to admit that you still feel something. For me to deny that is to deny your very soul. I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of good and a lot of bad. And it may not change things. And we may have still broken up, but at least you owe me a conversation. At least a chance from M. And he writes. Now, I've been in Europe for 12 years. I'm coming home on Saturday. 12 days. Yeah. On this day, I go shopping in Rome and get a necklace for M and write a postcard to my grandparents so he doesn't have any idea he's still shopping for, you know, Thursday, June 15th. Subject. I tried. I tried to reach out to you, jd. I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. You're boring. As expletive with an S to be with. I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like to watch stupid movies. You like to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on. I realize that you are not the right person for me in any way whatsoever. You bring out the worst traits in me, and I'm a million times better without you. I'm bringing by a bunch of your stuff to your mom's house. So. So long. J.D. i'd like to say it was fun, but really, it wasn't. Believe me when that I never want to hear from you again. From M. Thursday, June 14. Subject in bold letters and capitals. Open first, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Do not read any other emails. Exclamation point, exclamation point. If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it. Oopsie. She figured it out. Then up on the screen comes his editor's note. When she went to my mom's house to drop off my. My stuff, she bumped into my mom. My mom told her I was in Europe until Saturday. So then more from the email. J.D. please, I'm begging you that when you get back, you do not read any email but this one. We've all made mistakes while you've been away. I can explain it all to you. Call me asap. I love you with all my heart and soul. From M. Oh, my God, that's beautiful. I love the fact that she's showing up at his mama's house with all his stuff. Oopsie. So he writes at the very end here, and the words are coming up. I read the emails. M and I are no longer together. I learned two very important lessons from this whole ordeal. One, careful when you date passionate people, because passion swings both ways. Sometimes they'll love you, sometimes they'll hate you. And when they hate you, boy, do they hate you. When you go to Europe for two weeks, leave your phone on. Oh, my God, that's wonderful. I watched that four times yesterday. That's gonna be a movie. This is the Bird Show. 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