The Bert Show: Vault — The Guide To Tailgating
Date: November 14, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting – Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Cast
Episode Theme:
A deep dive into the art and culture of tailgating in the American South, featuring listener calls, anecdotes, and an evolving list of essential “rules” for the perfect college football tailgate. The cast and callers collaborate to assemble the ultimate “Idiot’s Guide to Tailgating,” packed with humor, practical advice, and Southern football spirit.
Main Episode Overview
The episode celebrates the communal and ritualistic aspects of tailgating that define college football culture in the South. Hosts and listeners trade stories, tips, and must-have items, creating an all-encompassing, crowd-sourced checklist for game day festivities. The conversation highlights rivalry lore, the importance of tradition, hospitality, and practical know-how for both veterans and first-timers.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Spirit and Rivalry of Southern Tailgating
- Opening Energy: Banter about fight songs and regional pride kicks things off. (01:10–02:28)
- “Everybody across the nation knows whose fight song that is.” – Dee (01:14)
- Football Rivalries Matter: The cast stresses that in the South, beating your main rival can define a season—regardless of overall record. (02:41–03:36)
- “It doesn't matter what your records are… there’s that one team that can make or break your season. If you just win that one game, then your season is a success.” – Dee (02:52)
- Extended Social Rituals: Tailgating can begin the night before and last all weekend, especially for big rivalry games. (03:37)
- First-Timer Guide: The group aims to assemble “The Idiot’s Guide to Tailgating,” welcoming calls with their rules.
2. Essential Tailgating Do’s & Don’ts
A. It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
- “Keep this in mind when you're tailgating. It's a marathon. It's not a race… by noon they’re done.” – Phil (03:54)
- Drinking discipline keeps the party fun and prevents anyone from missing the game due to overindulgence.
- “You have to know yourself… keep it going throughout the day and don't do any stupid activities until at least halfway through the game.” – Dee (04:32)
B. Identify Your Spot
- Decorate tents or cars with unique identifiers (flags, signs) to stand out, since everyone wears their team’s colors. (04:53–05:20)
- “You’ve got to have some sort of unique identifier for your spot. Everybody’s in college gear…” – Trace (04:57)
C. Must-Have Gear and Supplies
- Television: Serious fans follow all conference games, not just their own—bring a working TV. (05:37–05:48)
- Bottle Opener: Never forget it! “Don’t assume everybody else brought one… better to have too many than none.” – Dee (06:11)
- Cooler & Ice: Self-explanatory essentials for drinks and food (13:59–14:03, 11:45–11:51).
- Barbecue Grill: “Gotta have one.” – Caller (13:43–13:47)
- Chairs: Over-preparation is good—bring more chairs or even collapsible stools (10:33–10:58).
- Bug Spray: Mandatory for Southern evenings (15:13–15:19).
D. Food & Drink Rules
- Plenty of Food: Crucial for soaking up alcohol and keeping energy up (11:01–11:13). “You can’t very well have a marathon drinking fest if you don’t have any food… plenty of food, right?” – Aaron (11:03)
- Go-To Menu: Cheap, easy eats like hot dogs, hamburgers, potatoes. Uplevel for alums with fancier fare (11:17–11:39).
- “Potatoes suck up alcohol… want to drink more, eat more potatoes.” – Kristin (11:26)
- Alcohol Selection: The Southern trinity: beer, bourbon, and Bloody Marys. “You have to drink the bourbon before you can drink the Bloody Marys.” – Kristin (07:56)
- Bring Extra for Guests: Tailgate hosts should have enough to share, as visitors often drop by (09:04–09:35, 09:24–09:36).
E. Strategic Location
- Park Near a Restroom: Saves everyone, especially if you’re drinking all day (12:04–12:15).
F. Respect and Sportsmanship
- Don’t Trash Talk Physically: Outnumbered at away games—keep things in good fun and stay respectful (06:16–06:56).
- Pick Up After Yourself: It’s someone’s campus and home—show courtesy (08:25–08:46).
G. Game Prep & Survival Tactics
- Take Inventory: Stock up on Saturday night because Sunday alcohol sales may be restricted (12:55–13:08).
- Ziploc Baggies: Smuggle drinks into the stadium (13:16–13:27).
- Change of Clothes: Hot days mean sweat, beer, and BBQ stains—be prepared (12:24–12:44).
- Don’t Forget Tickets: Self-explanatory, but critical (15:06–15:09).
- Unique Advice: “At least one person has to have the patented beer hat.” – Caller (14:30)
3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “There is nothing, nothing worse than… ending up nursing someone who’s puking in Neyland Stadium before kickoff even happens.” – Dee (04:17)
- “You have to have a television there, because a true college fan is interested in other games—not just the one they’re about to go see.” – Dee (05:37)
- “When you talk trash, have fun with it. It's good...but don't get physical.” – Phil (06:51)
- “You gotta pick up after yourself… Party, drink up, but be a little respectful of where you’re going.” – Caller (08:29)
- “You have to drink the bourbon before you can drink the Bloody Marys. And there’s one thing you can have enough of for football season: bourbon.” – Kristin (07:56)
- “Take inventory on Saturday night. There’s nothing worse than not having any beer on Sunday, and you can’t buy beer in the south on Sundays.” – Kerry (12:55)
- “Have a Ziploc baggie to pour your alcohol in… to get into the stadium.” – Brennan (13:16)
- “At least one person has to have the patented beer hat.” – Caller, University of Florida (14:30)
4. The Idiot's Guide to Tailgating in the South: Listener-Generated Checklist
(15:29–16:58)
- Bring a cooler, bring ice
- Bug spray
- Enough beer to last until Sunday
- More food, alcohol, and seating if near the stadium
- Ziploc bag for sneaking drinks in
- Remember: it’s a marathon, not a dash
- Mark your territory with unique identifiers
- Bring a TV for watching other games
- Always have a bottle opener
- Respect home and visitor campuses; avoid physical altercations
- Clean up after yourself
- Have beer, Bloody Marys, bourbon
- Don’t forget tickets
- Strategic parking near restrooms
- Bring a change of clothes
- Chairs, chairs, and more chairs
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Opening Energy, Fight Songs & Rivalry: 01:10–03:37
- Why Tailgating Matters in the South: 02:41–03:36
- Essential Do’s & Don’ts: 03:37–09:36
- Listener Calls: Tailgating Tips: 09:36–14:39
- Quickfire Final Tips & Rule Recap: 15:05–16:58
Tone & Language
Consistently light-hearted, playful, and deeply Southern. The cast mixes genuine advice with affectionate teasing, blending practical wisdom and humorous war stories from the gridiron. Listeners and hosts alike exhibit their college pride, good-natured rivalry, and a spirit of hospitality.
- “Should I add that? Are you saying that’s just Phil?” – Typical playful dynamic (12:48)
For New Listeners
This episode is a master class in the college football tailgate—part community folklore, part survival guide. If you’ve ever wondered what to bring, how to behave, and how to truly soak up the culture of a Southern game day, this episode serves up everything from bourbon etiquette to the secret powers of potatoes. Playful, real, and full of “you had to be there” moments—now you don’t have to be.