Vault: The Moment You Knew The Courtship Was Over

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: The Moment You Knew The Courtship Was Over"

Date: December 30, 2025
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and guests
Theme: The exact moment people realize the honeymoon or “courtship” phase of their romantic relationship is over.

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Overview

In this fun and candid episode, The Bert Show crew dives into the relatable—and sometimes hilarious—moments when couples realize the sparkle of early courtship has faded and real life has set in. Listeners and cast members alike share stories about moving past the rose-colored glasses phase, with everything from comfy clothes taking the place of sexy lingerie to breaking wind and negotiating financial contributions. The tone is playful, self-deprecating, and packed with real-life anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining the Honeymoon/Courtship Period

• The cast reminisces about the "honeymoon period"—where everything about your partner is amazing, your flaws are overlooked, and you aim to make each other happy at any cost.
• Speaker G: "The honeymoon period, as I call it." [01:36]
• Fantasizing about love making you forget responsibilities and live in a euphoric state.
  • G: "You don't care if you don't pay your bills or sleep in your own bed for four months... you're in love." [01:44]

2. The Moment the Courtship is Over (Phil's Story)

• Phil shares a classic tale: after a couple months of dating, his girlfriend, instead of sexy attire, shows up ready for bed in an oversized t-shirt and huge granny panties.
  • D: "...a pair of underwear that's so big I could cover my car with it." [03:42]
• This comfort signals that the relationship is past its initial phase.
• F: "The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in, that's a sure sign, man, Honeymoon period is over." [03:54]

3. Other Telltale Signs (Listener Call-ins & Cast Stories)

• Nairing a boyfriend’s back:
  • H (Caller): "It was when I moved in with my boyfriend. And the first time I had to Nair his back." [04:46]
  • G: "Did he ask or did you offer?" [04:54]
• Ending the courtship financially:
  • H (Caller): "When you're driving in the car and the guy you're dating turns to you and tells you he's done courting you and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now." [06:02]
  • F: "He literally said those words?" [06:13]
  • H: "'I believe we've reached the stage where we're no longer dating. I'm done courting you, and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now.'" [06:16]
• Gross-out moments:
  • E (Caller): "When your girlfriend start breaking gas and picking her nose right in front of you." [06:40]
  • G: "Dutch oven is a good honeymoon era breaker." [06:46]
  • D: "There will be no gas attic or basement passed in between either one of us ever in front of each other. Two months." [07:01]
• Bathroom Boundaries:
  • H (Caller): "...when you feel comfortable enough to go number two at someone else's apartment." [07:14]
  • D: "I will turn the water on in her bathroom if I'm going number one... I hate the fact that she knows in there that I'm emptying, you know, my bladder." [07:33]
  • F: "That I am, what, now 10 years into knowing my wife, and we both still do the faucet fan thing." [07:42]
  • G: "I know a couple that's been married almost as long as you and Stacy, and if they're in a hotel together, he goes to the lobby." [07:56]

4. Mini-Theme: Traveling Together as a Relationship Test

• G: "...the first true test because... we're taking a weekend trip out to Vegas... the first true test where we're beside each other for a good 72 hours." [08:14]
• F: "If you can travel together, then you gotta... That's a pretty good sign if you guys can hang out." [08:30]

5. Admitting Flaws and Comfort

• Playful back-and-forth about how partners reveal their quirks and stop trying to impress each other.
• D: "...the kicking and the, 'clip your damn toenails, get off of me, I'm trying to sleep, you bastard!'" [04:29]
• D: "I'm in the perfect relationship right now. Everything is 100% perfect." [08:35]
• G (mocking): "I think your 100% went to about 97.5 when she showed up in that underwear." [08:42]
• F: "Can look sexy in anything though. I've got a gift of being filtered out." [09:02]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sexy Apparel Giving Way to Comfort:

  • D: "She came out of the bathroom...in probably about a t-shirt that would have been pretty big on me and probably the biggest pair of granny panties I've ever seen." [03:06]
  • F: "The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in, that's a sure sign, man, Honeymoon period is over." [03:54]

• On Knowing the Honeymoon Phase Has Ended:

  • H (Caller): "When you're driving in the car and [...] tells you he's done courting you and you can start financially contributing..." [06:02]
  • G: "Dutch oven is a good honeymoon era breaker." [06:46]

• On Bathroom Privacy:

  • F: "I want to be honest with you that I am, what, now 10 years into knowing my wife, and we both still do the faucet fan thing." [07:42]
  • G: "I know a couple that's been married almost as long as you and Stacy, and if they're in a hotel together, he goes to the lobby." [07:56]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:36] – Defining the honeymoon period
• [03:06] – Phil's anecdote about his girlfriend's granny panties
• [03:54] – The underwear switch as the end of the honeymoon
• [04:43] – Listener Candace: Nairing a boyfriend’s back
• [06:02] – Listener recounts financial end of courting
• [06:40] – Listeners and cast discuss bathroom habits/farting
• [07:14] – Going “number two” at your partner’s place
• [08:14] – First trip together: The real test
• [08:35] – Denying the end of perfection in the relationship

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Tone & Takeaway

The tone is light, honest, and self-effacing, with the cast and callers comfortable poking fun at themselves and the reality of long-term relationships.
Key Takeaway:
No one is immune to the reality check that settles in after courtship fades. For better or worse, comfort and authenticity are the new love languages—and the stories that come from “the moment you knew” are as funny as they are universal.

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For More:
Curious about more moments of real-life relationship revelations? Catch up on The Bert Show's daily episodes at www.thebertshow.com.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[C]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[D]

Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[E]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[C]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[D]

I'm not.

[B]

Of course he did.

[D]

Right, Santa, My elf Drew ski here. He handles the nice list and elf.

[C]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

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[C]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping.

[F]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[A]

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[D]

The bird show so.

[F]

Phil Tyranna here is in this beautiful new relationship. Let's all go back to our relationships here and remember the time, you know, those first couple of weeks, first couple of months where y' all are courting each other.

[G]

The honeymoon period, as I call it.

[F]

The honeymoon period where all you want to do is accommodate that other person and make them happy, you know, oh.

[G]

And everything about them is so great. And you know, you don't care if you don't pay your bills or sleep in your own bed for four months or the first six months because you know what? You're in love. And love is making everything beautiful.

[F]

You just want to accommodate that other person. That's all you want to do at that time.

[G]

That other person is flawless. Faith can do no wrong in your mind. Nothing irritating thing, no nothing.

[F]

Now, in every relationship, if it goes long term, there is a definite time that you should be able to point to. To say, yeah, the courting period, that honeymoon period is over. But Phil Turana here may have the quintessential example.

[D]

So we are still in that phase right now where when we get together behind closed doors, we can't keep our hands off each other. We're still very kissy still. Yeah, I know. We, you know, she came over to the house last night to watch some of the game, and, you know, all my buddies are there, and there's still a hand on the leg, another hand, you know, scratching the bag. So it's still very flirtatious, very disgusting, very out in public. Make you want to puke.

[F]

Just. Again, she's just doing everything she can to accommodate you and to be accepted.

[D]

By you, you know, and it's working.

[G]

Oh, the way you clapped at that play. That was so cute.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

The way you cut that person off on 400. God bless you. They deserved it.

[E]

So pretty.

[D]

So. So. So we were out one night, and we had had a couple of drinks, and I stayed over at her place and.

[F]

And once again, how long have y' all been going out now?

[D]

Just over two months. Two months. Okay. And it's a. Things will never change. Things will always be this beautiful. And so I stayed over at her place, and usually if I stay over, she'll usually put something pretty sexy on and go to bed. And she has a very nice selection. And so she comes out of the bathroom and getting ready to go to bed. And she had on. She had on probably about a T shirt that would have been pretty big on me. And probably the biggest pair of granny panties I've ever seen in my entire life. Yes.

[A]

Yep.

[E]

Honeymoon, Stanley.

[D]

I looked over and I looked at her and I said, mary Kay, honey, good to see you're comfortable enough with me to wear a shirt you paint in and a pair of underwear that's so big I could cover my car with it.

[E]

That's great.

[F]

The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in, that's a sure sign, man, Honeymoon period is over.

[G]

Because I know guys think that women dress in Victoria's Secret every night that wear teddy to bed every night. They wear their best underwear alone in bed every night.

[F]

In the movies so far, it's been that way. She went eight weeks. It's just a tease. You go eight weeks wearing that stuff every day to bed. It should be law. You have to wear it every day for the rest of your lives together.

[G]

Best behavior in the beginning. Trying to show off as much. But yeah, then. Then the scratching and the other stuff starts.

[D]

The kicking and the clip your damn to get off of me. I'm trying to sleep, you bastard. Yeah.

[F]

404-741-1005 the list of ways that, you know, the honeymoon period is just absolutely over. Hey, Candace, you're on the Burt show.

[H]

I totally have Phil beat.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

It was when I moved in with my boyfriend. And the first time I had to narrow his back.

[G]

Did he ask or did you offer.

[E]

A little bit of both?

[G]

Either way, it's gross.

[F]

Yeah, that's okay.

[H]

Either way, honeymoon period definitely over.

[F]

When Stacy and I first started going out and I was hanging out at her house. Cause that's what guys do. I mean, if anybody's gonna gravitate to the other's house, the guys end up over at the woman's house. Cause you got all the stuff that smells so good and it's clean.

[G]

And women know better than to go into the junk pile.

[F]

Right? Right. Stacy, even though I was doing a morning show, would get up with me and make me breakfast at 4 in the morning. Oh, yeah, she was 4 in the morning.

[E]

That's love right there.

[F]

That was totally love. Yeah. I haven't seen my wife at four in the morning unless I'm stumbling and drunk and she's up there complaining to me.

[D]

Right. Probably the first night I stayed with her where I had to get up and come to work. It was pretty early. So I went and took a shower and got out of the shower and on the bed there's a sweet note. Have a great day. It was a great night. Can't wait to see you again. There was a Red Bull right there, and there was a Diet Coke right there and a granola bar. Now when I get up to leave, she's like, dude, just put the key back under the mat. I'll see you later.

[F]

And how do you know the honeymoon phase is over?

[H]

When you're driving in the car and the guy you're dating turns to you and tells you he's done courting you and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[F]

He literally said those words.

[H]

He said. He said exactly those words. I believe we've reached the stage where we're no longer dating. I'm done courting you, and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now.

[F]

What a buzz kill at that point. How do you respond to something like that?

[H]

I said I want to keep dating.

[A]

Good for you.

[F]

Good morning, Tony. How do you know when the honeymoon Period's over, man.

[E]

Hey, Bert, when your girlfriend start breaking.

[H]

Gas and picking her nose right in front of you.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Dutch oven is a good honeymoon era breaker.

[F]

Like, come on.

[D]

Everybody's done that.

[F]

See, like, Crash just told me that he and his wife do that.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

That she does that to him.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

It's over after that, man.

[E]

I'm telling you.

[D]

Sir.

[F]

No, sir.

[D]

We had that discussion. There will be no gas attic or basement passed in between either one of us ever in front of each other. Two months.

[G]

Two months run. Yeah.

[H]

Hey, I have a good one for you guys.

[F]

All right.

[H]

When. When you feel comfortable enough to go number two at someone else's. At the other person's apartment, at the.

[G]

Other person's house in. Sometimes that becomes a necessity, though, and you can't control it. I think that's the only. That's probably the time that it happens.

[F]

I think I'd rather have my colon burst at one point or another than do that in the beginning of a relationship.

[D]

I will turn the water on in her bathroom if I'm going number one. If I just got a pee, I'll turn the water on because I hate the fact that she knows in there that I'm emptying, you know, my bladder.

[F]

I want to be honest with you that I am, what, now 10 years into knowing my wife, and we both still do the faucet fan thing.

[G]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

When we're in there and if we're.

[G]

On vacation, like, you're getting in the shower.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

Or if we're on vacation and we're in, like, a small. I'll make her go out on the patio.

[G]

Yeah. I know a couple that's been married almost as long as you and Stacy, and if they're in a hotel together, he goes to the lobby.

[F]

Oh, is that.

[G]

Like, he won't even be in the.

[E]

Same room as her.

[G]

And I think that's weird.

[E]

Come on, get over it. Nobody does it rush and go.

[G]

Yay.

[D]

That'll be our first true test because in about a month or so, we're taking a weekend trip out to Vegas. So that'll be the first true test where we're beside each other for a good 72 hours. So it's gonna be. See how long we can last.

[G]

That would be the test either the first argument or the first trip together. That's the true test of how well you mesh together.

[F]

That's true. If you can travel together, then you gotta. That's a pretty good sign if you guys can hang out with each other. But everything's perfect.

[D]

I'm in the perfect relationship right now. Everything is 100% perfect.

[G]

Do you see the cartoon animals jumping into the studio right now?

[F]

I think your 100% went to about 97.5 when she showed up in that underwear. You were at 100. It ain't 100 no more.

[D]

It was sexy, honey. It really was.

[G]

It was like that Jessica Simpson song.

[E]

Yeah, it was, right?

[D]

Yes. Good to see you.

[G]

Nothing but a T shirt on. What do you wear?

[D]

I always wear boxers and a T shirt when I sleep.

[F]

Can look sexy in anything though. I've got a gift of being filtered out.

[D]

That's true. The Bird Show.

[B]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[C]

Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.

[D]

Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[E]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[C]

He's talking to you britches.

[D]

I'm not.

[B]

Of course he did.

[G]

Right, Santa?

[D]

You know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf.

[C]

I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[B]

I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister. And AT T Mobile there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[D]

Or give it as a gift.

[B]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T Mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[C]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping.

[F]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[A]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with three full monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel financing agreement. 256 gigs $830 eligible for it in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com this episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

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