Vault: The mystery man shows up at 9:45 every morning

Summary

Podcast Summary:

The Bert Show — Vault: The mystery man shows up at 9:45 every morning
Air Date: June 29, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, The Bert Show takes on a real-life neighborhood mystery submitted by a listener named Whitney. Every weekday at 9:45 AM, a mysterious man arrives in her gated community, stays for exactly five minutes in the same townhouse, and then leaves—all while acting suspiciously. The cast, joined by listeners, dives into an entertaining, speculative investigation, tossing around theories from the mundane to the wild. Their banter combines humor, curiosity, and a touch of detective work as they try to uncover the man's true purpose.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Mystery:

• Whitney’s Dilemma ([01:43-03:13])
  • Whitney explains a man arrives at her Decatur townhouse complex every weekday at 9:45 AM, parks in the same spot, sometimes grabs something from his car, walks behind the homes, goes into the backdoor of a particular townhouse, and leaves after about five minutes.
  • He appears slightly nervous—checking if anyone's watching.
  • She’s unsure who lives in the unit and the house’s occupancy status.
  • "I've timed him before. It's usually about five minutes, and he's no longer than five minutes." (Whitney, 03:13)

The Cast’s Theories

• Dog Sitter? ([03:21-04:23])

  • Suggestion that he might be a pet sitter quickly dismissed by cast and Whitney—no evidence of a dog, and actions seem odd for typical pet care.

• Affair?

  • "And if it were some sort of affair going on, he'd stay longer than four or five minutes." (D, 05:28)
  • Joke about the world’s fastest romance: "That's a pretty bad lover." (C, 05:32); "That would be the quickest quickie in history." (Whitney, 05:33)

• Drug Dealer?

  • Callers speculate drugs are involved due to routine, short time frame, and sense of secrecy.
  • "It's a drug deal, I'd say. It seems pretty obvious to me." (Kelsey, 04:37)
  • One host questions frequency: "Why wouldn't he do it on weekends, too?" (Whitney, 05:06)

• Work-Related Motive

  • The weekday-only schedule and regularity have the hosts thinking it might be linked to a job.
  • "It's definitely gotta be work related—Monday through Friday, and not the weekends." (B, 07:32)

• Property Management Insight ([06:36-07:14])

  • Mark, a caller with property management experience, suggests the man could be a security officer doing rounds—potentially using a vacant unit to take a private bathroom break.
  • “The guy is a security officer hired by the complex… That is a vacant, and he's actually going in there... He's probably, you know, taking a little tinkle in there or whatever.” (Mark, 06:39)

• Bathroom Theory

  • The show's humor hits a high with speculation that the man might be using the vacant townhouse for his daily "morning poop."
  • "Maybe he's just pooping." (C, 07:14)
  • "His deuces are so stinky his wife won't let him do it in the house." (G, 07:49)

• Other Possibilities

  • Aquarium specialist (checking on fish), weed grower (checking a grow operation), cat sitter, and more are suggested.
  • Multiple listeners continue the lighthearted speculation, noting the methods and timing as points of intrigue.

Listener Details and Next Steps

• The Car ([09:15])

  • Whitney notes the man drives a "very nice BMW. It looks brand new.”
  • She estimates this routine has been ongoing for "three or four months now." (Whitney, 09:15)

• Planning an Investigation ([09:43-10:58])

  • The hosts discuss possible ways to get to the bottom of the mystery while balancing neighbor privacy and ensuring they don’t scare the man off if his actions are innocent (or if they're not).
  • Options include leaving a note ("If he doesn't call us, it's something shady." (G, 10:13)) or sending an intern to ask directly.

• Humor in Speculation

  • Closing thoughts reemphasize the fun of creating wild explanations over facing the likely mundane truth.
  • "The stories on these, the made up stories in your head are always way better than the reality of it." (C, 10:59)

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Affair Theories:

  • C: “That's a pretty bad lover.” (05:32)
  • Whitney: “That would be the quickest quickie in history.” (05:33)

• On Drug Dealing:

  • Kelsey: “It's a drug deal, I'd say. It seems pretty obvious to me.” (04:37)
  • C: “Every day, same townhouse for five minutes.” (04:41)

• On the Bathroom Theory:

  • Mark: “He’s probably, you know, taking a little tinkle in there or whatever. But I mean, trust me, it's... He's a security officer.” (06:53)
  • C: “Maybe he's just pooping.” (07:14)
  • G: “His deuces are so stinky that his wife won't let him do it in the house…” (07:49)

• Wit about the Mystery:

  • G: "Who is this dude?" (06:29)
  • F: “Oh my God, I cannot wait to find out what he's doing because this is hilarious.” (08:21)

• On the Allure of Concocted Backstories:

  • C: “The stories on these, the made up stories in your head are always way better than the reality of it.” (10:59)

---

Important Segments & Timestamps

• [01:43-03:13] — Whitney details the mystery man’s pattern and community context
• [04:37-05:06] — Listeners and hosts suggest possible secret motives
• [06:36-07:14] — Property management caller proposes “security guard using the bathroom” theory
• [07:14-08:46] — Hilarious speculation and debate about the bathroom theory versus shadier possibilities
• [09:15-09:39] — Whitney reveals more (BMW car, timespan of behavior)
• [09:43-10:58] — The Show formulates next steps to solve the mystery

---

Conclusion

This episode showcases The Bert Show's blend of relatable, laugh-out-loud entertainment and neighborhood sleuthing. The team and their audience embrace the absurdity of the mystery, spinning wild theories but always keeping things light and genuine. Whether it’s a harmless bathroom break, covert cat sitting, or clandestine romance, their banter makes for engaging, feel-good radio.

Takeaway:
As C summed up, sometimes letting your imagination run wild is half the fun—even if the truth is probably way less exciting.

Transcript

[A]

My new website's been getting a lot of attention lately and here's my secret. I used Wix Harmony. It's one of my favorite tools because it feels like such a natural way to create and I have so much control over my website. I can just tell Aria, my AI agent, to create whatever I'm imagining in my head or I can click anywhere on my site and change things myself. Try it for [e-mail] harmony that's wix.com/harmony.

[B]

Hey, guys, lady luck here. Are you going on any road trips this summer? I know I'm going to be going on a bunch of road trips. And being that I'm going to be passenger princess, I love playing on spinquest.com Spin Quest has all of my favorite slot games. Live blackjack, live craps. Head on over to Spinquest right now and get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[C]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino boy where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more to this is the Bird show. We've made the offer to you guys just in case you're curious about something going on around you. We'll get answers for you.

[D]

Yeah, this is when you're super nosy about some sort of situation, maybe something at work, something in the neighborhood, and you want to know the answer, but you don't want to be the one that asks the question because then everybody's going to think you're the rude one or you're the nosy one or you're the, you know, gossipy neighbor or whatever. So don't be come to us and tell us about the situation and then we'll go find out the answers for you.

[C]

And we never reveal to the person that we're sort of quote unquote investigating who is just curious so they'll never know it's you. And Whitney has some stuff that's going down in her neighborhood right now that just every day she's just getting a little bit more curious about. Hey, Whitney.

[E]

Hi.

[C]

Hey, you're on the voice disguiser.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

All right, so some dude showing up to the community every single day, same time.

[E]

Yes. First of all, I live in a gated townhome community, so you obviously know the toad to get in here every day. And he comes in about 9:45 every day and it's just Monday through Friday on the weekends, just throughout the week. So he just like, it's really odd. He drives the same car, parks in the same parking spot, and he pretty much gets out of his Car. Sometimes he'll grab something out of the trunk or the back seat, and then he walks behind the townhomes, like, and goes in the back door. One of the townhomes in there? He stays in, like. And when he's walking down there, he's also looking around to see if, like, anyone's looking at him, like, kind of curious. And then he goes in the townhome. He goes in for about four or five minutes and comes back out, goes to his car and then drives away.

[F]

Every day?

[E]

Every day, like, on the dot.

[C]

What part of town is this in?

[E]

I live in Decatur.

[C]

Okay, so he goes behind all the townhomes and for you it just feels like he's just a little bit nervous that he's back there. And then. Did you say he goes into one of the homes every morning?

[E]

Goes into one of the homes? Yeah.

[F]

And stays there only for a few minutes and then leaves.

[E]

I mean, I've timed him before. It's usually about five minutes, and he's no longer than five minutes.

[B]

Do you know the neighbor of the townhouse that he goes into?

[E]

I don't. I haven't met them. So I don't know if, you know, maybe they're bringing it out or.

[D]

Do you know who lives there? Is it a single person? Is it a couple or a family?

[E]

I'm not sure. We have a lot of families in here. It's a really nice townhome area.

[D]

So I wonder if he's a dog sitter for five minutes.

[F]

I don't know.

[E]

I don't know if it's like, anything bad he's doing or.

[C]

But you never see him come back out of the house with a dog, though.

[E]

No.

[D]

Maybe he's a lazy dog sitter.

[G]

Well, you don't have to come back out with the dog. Like, maybe their job. Like, maybe it's a person who works, like, overnights, like midnight to noon or something. I don't know.

[E]

I mean, he comes in jeans and, like, a leather jacket every day.

[G]

But, I mean, what. I think he could just. If somebody. If the person who lives there is not there for a big chunk of time, he could just come in, put fresh water in the bowl, food.

[F]

But he would take him out.

[C]

He would normally take the dog out.

[D]

You would think they would.

[E]

We've gone through the possibilities of what it could be, and we just don't know. Like, we can't pinpoint it of what exactly it is.

[C]

It's always more fun to speculate what it is than the reality of it. Right here's Kelsey. Good morning, Kelsey. What's this guy doing, you think?

[H]

Good morning. It's a drug deal, I'd say. It seems pretty obvious to me.

[C]

Every day, same townhouse for five minutes.

[H]

Yeah, because they probably have some sort of, you know, set routine every day.

[G]

Why don't you just buy for a week? Like go to Costco.

[H]

I don't know, Maybe it's more dangerous to buy. I don't know. It just seems like it has to be something like that.

[C]

Whitney, when you and like your family is talking about it, what have you speculated could be the reason

[E]

it's come up with the drug dealer thing? Like, we thought about that, but then it just seems kind of odd. Why wouldn't he do it on the weekends as well? But I mean, we thought about the dogs that are staying or maybe, you know, even thought about maybe looking after a grandmother or something, but it just didn't seem right.

[D]

And if it were some sort of affair going on, he'd stay longer than four or five minutes.

[C]

That's a pretty bad lover.

[E]

That would be the quick quickie in history.

[C]

Yeah, that's an awful lover right there. You can do better than that. Here is Kiki. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[I]

Good morning.

[H]

Guys, I seriously think he's sleeping with a married woman.

[C]

Yeah, but I mean, he's five minutes.

[H]

It sounds a bit suspicious, like maybe he's doing something with someone who's in a relationship.

[C]

I think it's business related. I don't.

[F]

Well, I mean. And the only pet sitting thing it would. That would make sense is a cat more so than a dog because they don't have to take a cat out still.

[G]

Yeah, but why you don't.

[F]

You also every morning for five minutes.

[G]

You also don't have to feed a cat like a dog. If you feed a dog a full thing of food, the dog eat all the food right away.

[F]

Or the cat sitter.

[G]

A cat will eat two bites of food, wander around, lick its butt, sleep in the stomach.

[D]

Cat sitters only. If you're gonna be gone more than, what, four days? Something like that.

[C]

I could see you though. Whitney, as the resident just is starting to like, I gotta know the answer.

[G]

Who is this dude?

[D]

That's what drives me crazy.

[E]

I mean, months.

[F]

It's so mean.

[C]

Good morning, mark. You're on Q100.

[I]

Yeah, but listen, man, I'm actually at work right now. I work in property management in the maintenance department. The guy is a security officer hired by the complex to make sure nothing has happened.

[C]

But Something doesn't make sense here because he's going into the same house every day.

[I]

But that is a vacant. And that's a vacant and he's actually going in there. He's probably, you know, taking a little tinkle in there or whatever. But I mean, trust me, it's. He's a security officer.

[G]

That's actually a good point. Like if it is open and he does have rounds. Yeah, he's just going in there to go to the bathroom and leave.

[C]

Maybe he's just pooping.

[F]

Yeah, that's his morning poop. But I mean he drives in the

[D]

same spot very regular.

[F]

Yes. At the same time every day. And he goes into the same house for only five minutes and comes back out.

[C]

Winnie, did you say that you knew for sure that townhouse was occupied? Occupied or not occupied?

[E]

I'm not sure.

[C]

Not sure.

[B]

It's definitely gotta be work related Monday through Friday and not the weekends.

[D]

It's gotta be.

[C]

I'm feel bad if we corner this guy like tomorrow at 9:45 and he has to say it's just my poop time.

[D]

Cause what if he's living with a new I gotta go to the vacant one and do what I gotta do.

[G]

Oh, that'd be great. What if on his way to work every day, his deuces are so stinky that his wife won't let him do it in the house? So he is found.

[D]

He's got a new best friend.

[F]

He's found this regular, same time every morning or.

[G]

Wendy brings up a good point too. He's got a girlfriend, right?

[D]

Somebody new.

[G]

Yes.

[D]

He'd poop in front of a new

[C]

person, but he's been doing it for months. They should be past the poop comfortable stage.

[G]

Not if he's. Some people I think just have bad colon processing in their poop stinks no matter what they eat or drink.

[F]

Oh my God, I cannot wait to find out what he's doing because this is hilarious.

[C]

Hey Ed, do you think this guy is past his poop acceptance stage or you think it's something else?

[I]

Yeah, I definitely think it's something else. He's only got five minutes to do his business. It's checking up on something. So aquarium specialist, you know, he goes in, checks the PH of the water, checks the fish, make sure they're alive. Or he's a growing pot. Basically goes in and check to make sure everything's okay, it hasn't burned down.

[G]

If it is a vacant townhouse, he could be could have a little check

[C]

in his weeds checking the Stash.

[F]

Because the PH level he would have to check every day, though the chronic

[D]

is doing well with the lights and whatever.

[G]

Hey, what's up there? Salvador, right?

[C]

That's me. Alice, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[H]

Hi, good morning. A couple of questions for the caller. Yeah, what kind of car is it and how long has this been going on?

[E]

It's a very nice BMW. It looks brand new. And it's been going on for I'd probably say three or four months now I've really noticed it.

[C]

Three or four months, nice BMW.

[H]

And if off air, she knows the address of the property. I can find out who the owner is and maybe we can contact the owner and find out what's going on.

[G]

Why did you, why did you care about the make of the car?

[H]

Because I was just curious if it looked like a police car or if, it looks like, you know, a beat up car. She just hadn't said what it was.

[C]

All right, well, let us do some research here. Whitney, give us 24 hours.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

I didn't even think about the drug.

[G]

Little drug, possibly grow room in there.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

Because my thought was, you know, we'll just send an intern down there and go, dude, you know, off the air, like, what's your deal? We're not gonna tell you. Just give us the details on why you're here every single day. But if it's like a drug dude, something illegal.

[G]

Well, I think what we need to do before we, before we send him that. Because if he's there at the same time every day, what we have to do is write up a note and put it on the door that he goes into early tomorrow morning. That basically says we're just curious. One of the neighbors is wondering why you go in this house every day, call us. If he doesn't call us, it's something shady. And then we send an intern, one that we don't like down there.

[C]

That may stop him from going it all together though. I think he got one crack at it.

[D]

Yeah, I think so too.

[C]

You know what I want to do? I want to talk to you at 9:45 this morning and see if he shows up again today.

[H]

That's a good idea.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

All right. And then we'll try to figure out what we can do the next 24 hours and get some answers for you. Okay?

[E]

Okay.

[C]

All right. Are you available in like 45 minutes?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, we'll call you back.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, but the stories on these, the made up stories in your head are always way better than the reality of it. This is the Birch Show.

[B]

Hey everybody, lady luck here and we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now all summer long I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[C]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[J]

We've all been there. You pop into the shop for five minutes and all of a sudden you've forgotten where you parked.

[I]

Car. Car.

[J]

Unfortunately, that lost feeling is what it's like trying to manage your policy with other insurers here.

[I]

Car Come out, come out, wherever you are, please.

[J]

With Geico, you can use the app to easily manage all your policies in one place.

[I]

Did this parking lot have a waterfall?

[J]

I think you've wandered too far mate.

[C]

It feels good to find what you're looking for.

[K]

It feels good to Geico Pros Save more on what you need to get the job done right Right now at Lowe's, get 15 off select custom entry and interior doors. Plus save $80 on the DeWalt 20 volt max 2 tool combo kit. Now just $169. And at the Lowe's Pro desk, bring us your materials list and get a quote in minutes. Handwritten, a photo or even a sticky note is all you need. Keep your jobs moving faster and on budget at Lowe's. Valid through 7 8, while supplies last selection varies by location.