Vault: The Pre-Marriage List That Has Everything You Should Do Before Marriage

Summary

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The Bert Show – “Vault: The Pre-Marriage List That Has Everything You Should Do Before Marriage”

Original air date: April 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, the Bert Show team dives into a viral list circulating online: “20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before Getting Married.” The discussion, led by Bert and joined by Wendy, Melissa, and Jen, explores the validity and relevance of each item, drawing from their personal experiences and debating perspectives on independence, relationships, and personal growth before tying the knot. Callers join in to share their own stories and ask for advice, adding authenticity and humor to the mix.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Living Alone and with Roommates

• Main List Item: Live by yourself for at least a year.
  • Melissa: Advocates strongly for living alone to gain independence before marriage.

    “I think too many times women go from their parents home to their husband's home... it’s good for a woman to have a sense of her own independence before she gets into a marriage for sure.” (02:04)

• Additional Suggestion: Live with someone else (a roommate) for at least a year.
  • Wendy: Emphasizes the importance and fun of living with roommates, suggesting it's a valuable experience for both genders.

    “It’s such a fun time. You create awesome memories, together...” (02:27)

2. Vacation Fling and “Wild” Experiences

• Main List Item: Have a vacation fling.
  • The cast agrees this item depends on personality; some may need it to avoid future regrets, others not.
  • Wendy and Melissa: Only necessary if someone feels they’d miss out otherwise.

    “If you feel like you’ve got that wild side and there’s that itch there, scratch it before you get married.” (03:54, Wendy)

• Related Item: Have sex with at least one person you'd never want to marry or introduce to your mom, just for the experience.
  • Again, consensus is this is entirely personal preference.

3. Finance and Responsibility

• Main List Item: Get your finances in order before marriage.
  • Group agrees it’s critical to avoid bringing debt and financial stress into the marriage.

    “That’s the number one reason people get divorced, right, is money.” (04:32, Melissa)

4. Processing Relationship History

• Main List Item: Exercise all past relationship demons before marriage.
  • The hosts note this is tough to accomplish fully, but emotional closure is important.
  • Jen: Suggests you “come to terms” rather than erase memories.

    “If you’re still in the back of your mind going, ‘God, if I just did that differently,’ then you’re not ready to get married.” (05:42, Jen)

5. Parental Forgiveness

• Main List Item: Forgive your parents for not being perfect.
  • The group sees this as key to avoiding repeating family patterns and to healthy relationships with in-laws.
  • Bert: “Maybe it’s one I’m struggling with.” (06:24)

6. Dating “Milestones”

• Main List Items:
  • “Experience some really bad first dates”
  • “Have at least one night you can’t quite remember”
  • “Celebrate your 25th birthday one more year before getting married”
  • These spark laughs and stories, with Wendy claiming "I've done 30 of those [bad first dates] last year” (07:04), and highlighting the fun of single life experiences.

7. Caller Perspectives and Real-life Stories

• Caller 1: Young single mom who didn’t feel ready for marriage, appreciates the validation from the list and discussion.

  “You just validated my whole breakup...I wasn’t ready.” (07:47)

• Caller 2: Married at 22 just a month after meeting her husband, says it's unrealistic to "conquer everything on the list" and that you inevitably carry family issues into relationships.
  • Melissa reflects on the importance of life experience and time away from parents before marriage.

    “You need time on your own to realize...How much of what I think and feel is a reflection of mom and dad and how much...is me.” (09:36)

8. Age and Timing of Marriage

• Bert: Advocates for waiting until at least 28 to marry, due to personal growth in one's twenties.

  “You change so drastically...when you marry each other at that early age...at one point you look over the table and you’re like, who are you?” (10:31)

• Wendy & Jen: Acknowledge that while there are exceptions—high school sweethearts who work out—most people change too much in their 20s for early marriage to be successful.
• Melissa: Success is about working together, no matter what age; "In any marriage, you both have to work to make it work." (11:54)

9. The Wedding Day “Myth”

• Melissa: Warns that marriage isn’t a fix-all; the wedding day doesn’t change personalities or problems.

  “You’re the same person the day after the wedding than you were the day before...” (08:21)

• Wendy: “And it’s not a finish line. It’s a starting line, you know.” (08:47)
• Jen & Crew: Debunk the fairytale myth of instant, effortless “happily ever after”—emphasizing ongoing effort.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On independence:

  “It’s good for a woman to have a sense of her own independence before she gets into a marriage for sure.” (02:04, Melissa)

• On wild experiences:

  “If you feel like you’ve got that wild side and there’s that itch there, scratch it before you get married.” (03:54, Wendy)

• On financial responsibility:

  “That’s the number one reason people get divorced, right, is money.” (04:32, Melissa)

• On emotional readiness:

  “If you’re still in the back of your mind going, ‘God, if I just did that differently,’ then you’re not ready to get married.” (05:42, Jen)

• On marriage being hard work:

  “In any marriage, you both have to work to make it work...they both worked at it. And that’s the only way you can make it work.” (11:54, Melissa)

• On ‘happily ever after’ myths:

  “It’s not like you just get married and then boom, happily ever after happens. Right. That’s what I’m saying. That fairy tale is crap. It’s hard.” (12:28, Wendy)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:58] – Introduction to the viral “Pre-Marriage List”
• [02:04] – Discussion: Living alone, independence
• [02:27] – Discussion: Roommate experience
• [03:16] – Controversial advice: Vacation fling
• [04:20] – Financial preparation for marriage
• [04:43] – Sex and “wild” experiences before marriage
• [05:23] – Processing and “exorcising” past relationship baggage
• [06:15] – Forgiving parents for imperfections
• [07:04] – The value of bad dates and memorable nights
• [07:47] – Caller: Single mom’s appreciation for the list
• [08:21] – “Weddings aren’t a finish line” discussion
• [08:59] – Caller: Married young & lessons learned
• [09:36] – Growing up and separating from parents
• [10:31] – The case for waiting to marry until after your twenties
• [11:54] – Effort required for lasting marriage

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Summary

This episode of The Bert Show is an honest, humorous deconstruction of pre-marriage advice. The team debates which life experiences truly matter before marriage—emphasizing independence, self-discovery, financial health, and learning from a variety of life (and dating) experiences. They debunk the “marriage as a fix” myth and stress that marriage is the start, not the destination, of a partnership. While every journey is personal, the consensus is that knowing yourself and growing on your own lays a stronger foundation for marriage.

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For more listener stories, advice, or to participate in future episodes, visit www.thebertshow.com.

Transcript

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[Bert]

Hey, the bird show. So this was interesting off of the Internet yesterday, and you guys can get in on this if you want, but there was one poster that has 11 days left until her wedding. I guess this is still a pretty big wedding season right here. June, July.

[Wendy]

What do you mean one poster?

[Bert]

One person posting yesterday online. I'm sorry.

[Wendy]

Yeah, I was thinking of a poster you hang on the wall.

[Bert]

One person posting this on the Internet yesterday.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Bert]

She's got 11 days left until her wedding. OK. And she put up a list of 20 things that every woman should do before you get married. Okay.

[Wendy]

Okay. I'm just wondering how 11 days before her wedding she has time to come up with this list and actually post it online. It's impressive.

[Bert]

Maybe she wrote it, saved it and said, I'll send it out right before the wedding.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bert]

So let me run a couple of these by you guys and if you are married already and you were gonna give advice to somebody, how would you add to this list? Okay, cool. Live by yourself for at least a year.

[Melissa]

Yes, yes, absolutely. Well, because I think too many times women go from their parents home to their husband's home. And I think that, or especially even if you have roommates, I think it's good for a woman to have a sense of her own independence before she gets into a marriage for sure.

[Bert]

Okay, you brought up another good point. Live with someone else for at least a year. Be it a roommate, somebody.

[Wendy]

It's so fun to live with roommates. I mean, and I think that's for guys and girls, I mean, I think it's just, it's such a fun time. You create awesome memories together. And whether you like love each other at first and hate each other by the end, it's an experience you should definitely have. And yeah, I definitely agree with that one.

[Bert]

Don't they say though, statistics, don't they show you that if you live with somebody before you marry them that your chances of getting divorced or higher?

[Melissa]

Living with that person?

[Bert]

Living with that person. I think it is, but I think

[Wendy]

doesn't this mean like, could be either

[Bert]

you just gotta live with somebody else?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I think it's other than your husband, other than your list, other than

[Wendy]

your soon to be spouse. Okay, I'm two for two.

[Melissa]

But I think it also teaches you not only the good memories, but to share, you know, Like, I think if you've never lived with somebody then, and to live with somebody have to share that space then, you know, I think that you learn a little bit about a compromise in that situation.

[Bert]

She says have a vacation fling.

[Wendy]

Have a vacation fling. I mean, I think that depends on what kind of person you are. You know what I mean? Like, I think if, I don't know if you're, if you're a wild person and you're sort of like inclined to have one of those anyway, but you haven't. And you feel like you're always gonna want that after you get married. You're like, God, I never checked that off my list. I never did that. God, I should have been wild one day. Then I say, definitely do it. But there's some people, like a lot of my friends from college, whatever, got married, you know, right out of school, whatever, never really felt the need for that. So I think that's personality based.

[Bert]

What do you guys think?

[Wendy]

Yeah, I agree because I don't, I'm not that kind of person. I don't need a flingy fling.

[Bert]

You couldn't feel good about that even looking back.

[Wendy]

No, no.

[Melissa]

But maybe it is what Jen said to it all. It almost ensures that someone's not going to. Oh, what if I wish I had, you know, I wish I had, you know, not. Because I think some people get so focused on growing up too fast, so to speak, that they don't have time for fun or give themselves fun and they regret it later on. So maybe that's what you know to. That's going to alleviate you regretting something.

[Bert]

Get your finances in order is what she is saying that you got to do before you get married. If you're A woman.

[Jen]

Yeah, it's overrated. Getting your finances in order, being fiscally responsible is silly.

[Wendy]

Now, that's important.

[Melissa]

Well, that's the number one reason people get divorced, right, Is money.

[Wendy]

Well, and think about it. You don't want to bring all that debt into a marriage and then have them pay for it either.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's not fair.

[Bert]

I think you're gonna have the same response to this one that you had about the vacation fling. Have sex with at least one person you'd never want to marry or introduce to your mom just to experience it.

[Wendy]

That's a funny list. Yeah, I think it's the same kind of thing. Like, if you feel like you've got that wild side and there's that itch there, scratch it before you get married.

[Bert]

That's always been my concern is like when you get married when you're 19 or 20 years old or whatever, and you don't have any of that experience and you end up with the same guy that you've been with since high school, and do you look back at your life and go, man, I just. What else is out there?

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Do you live with that kind of regret?

[Wendy]

Yeah, it's if you start with that itch or not. Some people just don't.

[Bert]

I don't know how you do this, except by getting married. Exercise all past relationship demons.

[Wendy]

Oh, can't do that. That's impossible.

[Bert]

Thanks.

[Wendy]

Those are always going to be lingering in the back of your mind anyways.

[Jen]

No, you can do it.

[Wendy]

You never think of an ex girlfriend therapy or what do you.

[Jen]

I think you just have to. You just come to terms with it. Like, I don't think. I don't think it means eliminate all memories of them, but I think if you had your Antichrist, whatever. If you're still in the back of your mind going, God, if I just did that differently, then you're not ready to get married. Like, you have to be over it and done with it.

[Melissa]

Yeah. And I always think that if you. And it kind of goes with what Bert said. If you wait long enough, like, if you don't get married in 19 or 20, you wait till your late 20s to get married. I think that you also, by comparison, realize that the stuff in the past was kind of trivial compared to the person you're with now, right now.

[Bert]

This one says, forgive your parents for not being perfect. You got to do that before you get married.

[Wendy]

Forgive your parents for not being perfect. I wonder where that comes from.

[Bert]

Maybe it's one I'm struggling with.

[Melissa]

Maybe that you have a fear that you'll repeat the pattern. And if you resent them enough, you know, like if.

[Bert]

Also, I think when you get married, if you still hold some of that stuff, then it makes it really difficult for the entire relationship that you're in for your spouse to like them. You have to like your parents also.

[Jen]

And that's crap that you've had to deal with because you had so many frustrations with your pop.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Jen]

That it would take. If he came back today and was perfect. It would take Stacy 10 years to like him.

[Bert]

I don't think she would ever embrace him because of the past, you know, Experienced some really bad first dates. Wendy, I think you've got one or two of those under your belt.

[Wendy]

I've done 30 of those. I did 30 of those last year. So that's a check mark.

[Bert]

Have at least one night. She can't quite remember. I think we could go to flip flops just 48 hours ago.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Don't wait till your bachelor party to have or bachelorette party to have one of those.

[Bert]

Right?

[Wendy]

Yeah. Make sure you have one of those before.

[Bert]

And this one I'm sort of on the same page with. Celebrate your 25th birthday one more year

[Wendy]

and I'm getting married.

[Melissa]

Holler.

[Jen]

That's not gonna help your dating life right there.

[Wendy]

I know.

[Caller]

Thanks.

[Bert]

You can do it with Cameron tomorrow.

[Wendy]

He was playing hard to get. Are you kidding? He got all combative about. Well, if she don't want to meet me at Starbucks, then fine.

[Bert]

Hey, Jen, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning, Bert. I just tell you guys, you just validated my whole breakup. My boyfriend's 26 and was proposing in October. Wasn't ready. I'm only 20 years old. I have a 3 year old daughter trying to get through college. And he thinks it's totally selfish that I didn't want to get married and do the whole wedding while he talking to the army and special Forces. You just validated everything that I went through. I appreciate it.

[Wendy]

Well, and I think that she's listening to her list going check right.

[Bert]

This is the greatest show ever.

[Wendy]

I can record this and send it to him.

[Melissa]

I just think though that people think the wedding day is going to somehow make everything perfect. The wedding day and the ceremony, somehow, you know, excel, I don't know, makes your relationship higher than it is, but it doesn't. You're the same person the day after the wedding than you were the day before. So if you have issues with somebody and their selfishness or their lack of, you know, attention or affection, they're going to be the same person, you know,

[Wendy]

and it's not a finish line. It's a starting line, you know.

[Bert]

Yeah, totally.

[Caller]

Whoa.

[Wendy]

It's not.

[Jen]

It is good, right? Hey, Ashley, you should tweet that.

[Caller]

Hey, guys. How are you?

[Bert]

Good, good. What's going on?

[Caller]

Good. Well, I got married pretty early. I got married at 22. I'm about to be 24 now, but I got marri a month after meeting my husband, actually.

[Wendy]

A month? Wow.

[Caller]

Yeah, a month. So it's kind of crazy, but we. I mean, I just think that list is impossible. No matter what, though, like, to just kind of. You gotta, you know, conquer everything. Like, the things for you, I mean. Yeah, I just. I mean, the things with your parents, I just think you'll bring that with you, you know, in any relationship, to be honest, or however long you'll be with them. I don't know. That's, you know. I don't know.

[Melissa]

Well, I think, you know, because I agree with Bert about waiting to get married, because in this culture, you can, you know, our parents and our grandparents, well, you know what, they were expected to get married younger, but now you don't. You don't have to. And I think that when you first come out of your house and out from your parents, it's almost as if you need time on your own to realize, wait a second. How much of what I think and feel is a reflection of mom and dad and how much of what I think and feel is me. And I think that until you get to that point, it's going to be hard for you to be the person you need to be in that relationship. And so when she said, I have to admit that my reaction to her saying that the parents thing will be with you the rest of your life was her age. I thought, you know what? You're young and you were freshly out of the house, not just a few years ago, but as time goes on, it. Life changes and your. Your reflect, your. The way you look at your parents changes.

[Bert]

And my theory on getting married, you can't get married until you're 28 years old, really is just that you change so much, so drastically, much in your 20s, and, you know, you never really stop changing and evolving. But those years right there between, like 18 and 28 or 18 and 30, you're such a different woman and such a different dude at 18 that you're going to be at 30 that when you marry each other at that early age that you guys can't really evolve together because you're still forming and changing who you are. And at one point you look over the table and you're like, who are you?

[Wendy]

And I think for the majority of people, you're right. But I do think that there are some couples that have that story where they were high school sweethearts and they are together. Like it's. There's a couple that's like a friend of a friend of mine and they've been together since high school and they've got like three kids and now they're in their like late 30s and they're like six still madly in love with each other. So there are those stories out there, but I think the majority are for what you're saying is that you just end up changing so much and you grow apart.

[Bert]

And everybody wants that story that Jen is talking about so you can justify the relationship that you're in when you're young. Because you know, one couple that it's worked for, which is probably what love is really all about, is like if you hear 100 stories that are just like yours, but all of their marriages failed, you will absolutely believe yours is different.

[Melissa]

But like in any marriage, in any marriage, you both have to work to make it work. In any marriage, it doesn't matter whether you get married at 30, 40, or 20. That I think that the couple I know that have been together since high school and have children together and are in love and they're doing great, they worked on making sure that they stayed on the same path the whole time. They both worked at it. And that's the only way you can make it work.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Because happily ever after is.

[Bert]

Doesn't have to be. Not for everybody, not for everyone. It's still there and it still can be.

[Jen]

You know what?

[Bert]

Maybe it's not the first time around.

[Wendy]

It's not like you just get married and then boom, happily ever after happens. Right. That's what I'm saying. That fairy tale is crap. It's hard.

[Bert]

It is. I agree to work at it.

[Wendy]

I'm just following up on what Melissa said. I think she's absolutely right.

[Jen]

I don't think it's crap. I think that's harsh way to say it, but it's.

[Melissa]

What she's saying is you have to look at it.

[Jen]

But there are.

[Wendy]

It doesn't just land in your life.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Like on your wedding day. Everything isn't perfect from that day forward.

[Wendy]

Right. That's what I mean. Uh huh.

[Bert]

I told. I believe you me. I get it. I totally get it. Hey, the Birch show.

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