The Bert Show: "Vault: The Products Nobody Wants To Be Seen Buying..."

Episode Date: April 14, 2026
Main Theme:
This episode explores the universal and often hilarious embarrassment people feel when buying “sensitive” products—ranging from sexual wellness items to condoms—at everyday stores. Through personal anecdotes, listener calls, and in-studio banter, the cast dives into why such purchases spark awkwardness and shame, despite being perfectly normal.

Episode Breakdown

1. Opening Discussion: Why Is Sex-Related Shopping Still Embarrassing?

[01:03] – [01:49]

• Chelsea leads by pondering why buying anything remotely related to sex remains awkward for most people.
• She describes her own lack of shame when entering an adult store, contrasting it with the discomfort she feels when buying similar items at a regular drugstore.
• Quote:
  • "I may be the only female in the room that has no problem going to a sex... store that deals in those products. But for some reason, when I'm outside that sex store... I get embarrassed." – Chelsea [01:03]

2. The Walgreens KY Incident: A Comedy of Errors

[01:49] – [04:48]

• Chelsea recounts a story about buying a KY product at Walgreens with her partner, Katie.
• Katie refuses to buy the product herself, leaving Chelsea with the purchase—and then literally bails, pretending not to know her.
• This leads to multiple awkward moments:
  • Chelsea tries to "hide" the KY with a chapstick.
  • The cashier gets delayed, so Chelsea stands awkwardly for what feels like ten minutes with the product on display.
  • Katie is already in the car by the time Chelsea finishes checkout.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • "She's a KY coward." – Co-host Dave [03:04]
  • "I grab a chapstick with it. Like the cashier cares that I'm buying anything else." – Chelsea [03:33]
  • "By that point, Katie has started the car, and I think she's already gone down and get cab fare at me." – Chelsea [04:29]

3. The Cringe of Cashier Commentary

[05:02] – [05:27]

• Chelsea and the team discuss the dread of a cashier commenting on your “sensitive” purchases.
• Chelsea mentions a friend whose cashier asked her about sexual wellness product effectiveness.
• Quote:
  • "Do you ever want a cashier comment on your purchases or ask about them?" – Chelsea [05:02]

4. Is There an “Excuse” for Embarrassing Purchases?

[05:39] – [06:01]

• The cast jokes about alternative uses for lube, like bike maintenance.
• Quote:
  • "If you got a 10 speed you haven't ridden in a while and the ball bearings are dry..." – Co-host Emily [05:50]
  • "You meant to literally not be ball bearings." – Chelsea [05:56]

5. Listener Stories: The Conspiracy of Awkwardness

[06:02] – [07:47]

• Guest Fiona calls in, sharing a story nearly identical to Chelsea’s, suggesting it’s a “conspiracy.”
  • Fiona and her fiancé need condoms at Publix. They’re locked behind glass, so they have to ask for help (cue embarrassment).
  • At the checkout, her condoms are bagged separately “like they're going to contaminate” her other items.
  • Fiona leaves the store only to be chased down in the parking lot because she forgot her “solitary confinement” condom bag.
• Quotes:
  • "No, they sent someone after me to get my condoms to tell me I left my condoms. So I had to go back and have them hand them to me personally." – Guest Fiona [07:12]
  • "They're yelling at you in the parking lot. 'Hey, lady, I got your condoms.'" – Chelsea [07:35]
  • "You forgot your big exercise. Glow in the dark." – Guest Fiona [07:39]
  • "It's got to be in solitary confinement." – Co-host Dave [07:10]

6. Cashiers Admit: Sometimes We Mess With You

[08:04] – [08:41]

• Missa, a Walgreens employee, calls in to confess she sometimes purposely embarrasses customers (especially young women) buying such items by giggling or making comments.
• She observes that girls often leave guys to buy condoms alone or even run out of the store.
• Quotes:
  • "If it's a female buying something by herself, I'll... kind of giggle with her and stuff. Embarrass them." – Missa [08:12]
  • "Which they should be proud of that they're practicing safe sex." – Guest Fiona [08:39]

Notable Moments & Quotes

• On accidental public exposure:

  • "What happens if you just get bumped? Like you're in a wreck and you bumped and the trunk pops open?" – Co-host Emily [04:57]

• On the struggle of hiding embarrassment:

  • "You bought $340 worth of other items to try hide it." – Co-host Dave [04:29]

• On cashiers intentionally making situations worse:

  • "Do you purposely jack with some people that come by to buy the more embarrassing stuff?" – Co-host Dave [08:04]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:03] – Chelsea introduces the topic of embarrassing purchases
• [01:49] – [04:48] – Chelsea’s Walgreens KY story
• [05:02] – Conversation about cashier comments
• [06:08] – Guest Fiona’s Publix condom saga
• [08:12] – Missa the cashier confesses to joking with embarrassed customers

Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode maintains The Bert Show’s hallmark blend of candid personal storytelling and playful group dynamics. The tone is consistently self-deprecating and humorous, with everyone sharing in the awkwardness together. The hosts and guests emphasize that embarrassment is universal, even absurd, when it comes to normal life needs. The show gently encourages listeners not to feel ashamed about personal health purchases—and reveals, sometimes, even the cashier is in on the joke.

For listeners who missed it:
Expect lots of laughs, relatable cringe, and a reminder that awkward moments make the best stories—especially when you share them with friends.