Vault: The Products Nobody Wants To Be Seen Buying...

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: The Products Nobody Wants To Be Seen Buying..."

Episode Date: April 14, 2026
Main Theme:
This episode explores the universal and often hilarious embarrassment people feel when buying “sensitive” products—ranging from sexual wellness items to condoms—at everyday stores. Through personal anecdotes, listener calls, and in-studio banter, the cast dives into why such purchases spark awkwardness and shame, despite being perfectly normal.

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Episode Breakdown

1. Opening Discussion: Why Is Sex-Related Shopping Still Embarrassing?

[01:03] – [01:49]

• Chelsea leads by pondering why buying anything remotely related to sex remains awkward for most people.
• She describes her own lack of shame when entering an adult store, contrasting it with the discomfort she feels when buying similar items at a regular drugstore.
• Quote:
  • "I may be the only female in the room that has no problem going to a sex... store that deals in those products. But for some reason, when I'm outside that sex store... I get embarrassed." – Chelsea [01:03]

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2. The Walgreens KY Incident: A Comedy of Errors

[01:49] – [04:48]

• Chelsea recounts a story about buying a KY product at Walgreens with her partner, Katie.
• Katie refuses to buy the product herself, leaving Chelsea with the purchase—and then literally bails, pretending not to know her.
• This leads to multiple awkward moments:
  • Chelsea tries to "hide" the KY with a chapstick.
  • The cashier gets delayed, so Chelsea stands awkwardly for what feels like ten minutes with the product on display.
  • Katie is already in the car by the time Chelsea finishes checkout.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • "She's a KY coward." – Co-host Dave [03:04]
  • "I grab a chapstick with it. Like the cashier cares that I'm buying anything else." – Chelsea [03:33]
  • "By that point, Katie has started the car, and I think she's already gone down and get cab fare at me." – Chelsea [04:29]

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3. The Cringe of Cashier Commentary

[05:02] – [05:27]

• Chelsea and the team discuss the dread of a cashier commenting on your “sensitive” purchases.
• Chelsea mentions a friend whose cashier asked her about sexual wellness product effectiveness.
• Quote:
  • "Do you ever want a cashier comment on your purchases or ask about them?" – Chelsea [05:02]

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4. Is There an “Excuse” for Embarrassing Purchases?

[05:39] – [06:01]

• The cast jokes about alternative uses for lube, like bike maintenance.
• Quote:
  • "If you got a 10 speed you haven't ridden in a while and the ball bearings are dry..." – Co-host Emily [05:50]
  • "You meant to literally not be ball bearings." – Chelsea [05:56]

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5. Listener Stories: The Conspiracy of Awkwardness

[06:02] – [07:47]

• Guest Fiona calls in, sharing a story nearly identical to Chelsea’s, suggesting it’s a “conspiracy.”
  • Fiona and her fiancé need condoms at Publix. They’re locked behind glass, so they have to ask for help (cue embarrassment).
  • At the checkout, her condoms are bagged separately “like they're going to contaminate” her other items.
  • Fiona leaves the store only to be chased down in the parking lot because she forgot her “solitary confinement” condom bag.
• Quotes:
  • "No, they sent someone after me to get my condoms to tell me I left my condoms. So I had to go back and have them hand them to me personally." – Guest Fiona [07:12]
  • "They're yelling at you in the parking lot. 'Hey, lady, I got your condoms.'" – Chelsea [07:35]
  • "You forgot your big exercise. Glow in the dark." – Guest Fiona [07:39]
  • "It's got to be in solitary confinement." – Co-host Dave [07:10]

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6. Cashiers Admit: Sometimes We Mess With You

[08:04] – [08:41]

• Missa, a Walgreens employee, calls in to confess she sometimes purposely embarrasses customers (especially young women) buying such items by giggling or making comments.
• She observes that girls often leave guys to buy condoms alone or even run out of the store.
• Quotes:
  • "If it's a female buying something by herself, I'll... kind of giggle with her and stuff. Embarrass them." – Missa [08:12]
  • "Which they should be proud of that they're practicing safe sex." – Guest Fiona [08:39]

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Notable Moments & Quotes

• On accidental public exposure:

  • "What happens if you just get bumped? Like you're in a wreck and you bumped and the trunk pops open?" – Co-host Emily [04:57]

• On the struggle of hiding embarrassment:

  • "You bought $340 worth of other items to try hide it." – Co-host Dave [04:29]

• On cashiers intentionally making situations worse:

  • "Do you purposely jack with some people that come by to buy the more embarrassing stuff?" – Co-host Dave [08:04]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:03] – Chelsea introduces the topic of embarrassing purchases
• [01:49] – [04:48] – Chelsea’s Walgreens KY story
• [05:02] – Conversation about cashier comments
• [06:08] – Guest Fiona’s Publix condom saga
• [08:12] – Missa the cashier confesses to joking with embarrassed customers

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode maintains The Bert Show’s hallmark blend of candid personal storytelling and playful group dynamics. The tone is consistently self-deprecating and humorous, with everyone sharing in the awkwardness together. The hosts and guests emphasize that embarrassment is universal, even absurd, when it comes to normal life needs. The show gently encourages listeners not to feel ashamed about personal health purchases—and reveals, sometimes, even the cashier is in on the joke.

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For listeners who missed it:
Expect lots of laughs, relatable cringe, and a reminder that awkward moments make the best stories—especially when you share them with friends.

Transcript

[Host]

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[Host]

This is the Birch Show.

[Chelsea]

I am fascinated by the fact that it is still embarrassing to purchase anything that has to do possibly with sex, you know, any kind of sex product. Because we've talked on the show about how there are so many people. I may be the only female in the room that has no problem going to a sex, you know, store that deals in those products. But for some reason, when I'm outside that sex store, because, I mean, I don't go often, but when I do go, I will go, and I'm fine with it. I'm not embarrassed when I go in there.

[Co-host Dave]

But for some reason, you're not looking down, trying to avoid eye contact, everybody.

[Chelsea]

I'm usually with somebody relaxing, laughing, or we're, you know, having a good time or whatever, because probably making fun of the guys that are in there. Sure. Usually with their, you know, heads down. Guys never come in twos in the. Into the place. They come in by themselves.

[Co-host Dave]

You got to be really careful about what section that you're. You're passing through. Some you go pass through quickly.

[Chelsea]

Yeah.

[Co-host Dave]

So you don't have to.

[Chelsea]

So I talk about that like, you know, yeah, what's the big deal? Well, then I go into just a regular drugstore where there's other products in there. And for some reason, I get embarrassed because I was at Walgreens the other day and I tweeted about this because it was almost very Murphy's Law. If something's meant to go wrong, it will in my life. So we, Katie and I are in Walgreens just running errands. And then we are at the impulse aisle right there at the checkout. And there was a product we had seen on tv. So commercials work. There's some KY product that's supposed to enhance female. Whatever. Is that the one that warms up? I have no. I mean, I don't know. Ads for that. I don't know, because we. You know, she hates me talking about this because, I mean. But, yes, we're adults, and, you know, we buy products sometimes. So does everybody.

[Co-host Emily]

That scared the hell out of me.

[Chelsea]

So does everybody. So, anyway, so there's this product, this KY product, and it was right there with three or four other KY products right there next to the gum and the spearmints, whatever. So we're buying other things. And so. And it was really. Katie had all the stuff that she was gonna buy, and she said, I'm not putting that in my pile. I'm not putting that in there. I'm not buying that. I'm like, you know what? Fine, fine. I'll do it. So I grab it, and so she decides that she's gonna get in front of me and she's gonna pay for the items, and she actually takes off and gets out. She pretends like she doesn't know. She pretends know me.

[Co-host Dave]

She's a KY coward.

[Chelsea]

She's a ky. That's right. She actually took her bags and she went to. Where in the. In the front of the store. There are, you know, like, news, like the AJC and USA Today and all this stuff. So she thought that it would be a quick process, so she'd go and look at the paper. And then May. Halfway in between, lukewarm, like, I'm one foot out the door, but one foot waiting on you, honey. And I'm standing there, so I. And then she makes me feel awkward, so I grab a chapstick with it. Like. Like the cashier cares that I'm buying anything else.

[Co-host Emily]

No. She's probably thinking, where are you putting that chapstick?

[Chelsea]

So I get to the counter thinking, this is going to be a quick purchase. So I put the KY thing. I don't even know what it's called, but it's in a black box. And so I put it on the counter with my chapstick. And then, of course, she has to do something at the moment. So she leaves me standing there for at least 30 seconds, which seems like

[Co-host Emily]

picking out a bag of Skittles, put

[Chelsea]

that over, and there's people behind me. And I thought. And then I start, you Know, kind of blushing because I thought, well, this is kind of. This is, you know, by this KY thing. So now I'm starting to get embarrassed because Katie's made me feel self conscious. And then all of a sudden, she tries to ring me up, and then there's no tape in the cash register. She has to call the manager over to go replace the tape at the cash register. So I'm standing there for about 10 more minutes. Why? Because it never. There's never a manager that is absolutely immediately available at a drugstore. So I. So yeah, so by that point, Katie has started the car, and I think she's already gone down and get cab fare at me.

[Co-host Dave]

You bought $340 worth of other items

[Chelsea]

to try to hide. Yeah, just to hide it. But I did. I mean, it's still in the bag, probably in the trunk of my car. So it has not been used. Because I think by that point I thought, I cannot believe I just put myself in this situation and put it in the trunk. But yeah, so I got embarrassed at the drugstore because of course the tape runs out when I walk up.

[Co-host Dave]

You gotta get that out of the trunk of your car right there. Cause that is Dateline material right there. Normally there's a bottle of that stuff in there.

[Co-host Emily]

Or what happens if you just get bumped? Like you're in a wreck and you bumped and the trunk pops open?

[Chelsea]

But then it made me mad that, I mean, economy size. No, it's not the economy size, but yeah. Do you ever want to cashier comment on your purchases or ask about them? Because I had a friend who was purchasing, you know, a similar product to whatever you were getting. And the cashier was like, oh, so how is this stuff? Does it work? Well, you like it?

[Host]

Or whatever was like asking her questions

[Chelsea]

about it, and the cashier's probably embarrassed about ringing it up. I don't know why we are, though.

[Co-host Dave]

It doesn't even have to be a line, like, addressing you about it. It could just be a sound. If that KY goes across and she goes, huh?

[Guest Fiona]

What do you mean, huh?

[Co-host Dave]

Are there other applications for that? Or does that pretty, like. Does that pretty much mean what it means?

[Chelsea]

I mean. Oh, that means what it means.

[Co-host Dave]

It means what it means. Okay.

[Co-host Emily]

I mean, you can use it like.

[Co-host Dave]

You could use it as an excuse, right?

[Co-host Emily]

Well, maybe like, if you got a 10 speed you haven't ridden in a while and the ball bearings are dry, you'd use it to pack.

[Chelsea]

You meant to literally not be ball bearings.

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That was funny.

[Co-host Emily]

Oh, you're Such a perv.

[Chelsea]

I know.

[Co-host Dave]

Hey, Chelsea. Good morning.

[Guest Fiona]

Good morning. I'm so excited to be on the show with you all today.

[Co-host Dave]

Thank you for coming on.

[Guest Fiona]

So I heard this story that y' all were just telling, and I actually think maybe it's a conspiracy, because the same thing almost exactly happened to me. Really? I went to, I think, a Publix. It was, you know, towards closing time, maybe 9pm with my fiance, and we were picking up a bunch of stuff, just normal whatever, and realized that we were out of condoms. So they have them locked in like a glass case.

[Co-host Dave]

You have to break it open in

[Co-host Emily]

an emergency alarm goes off. You got to be like, what's her name in that movie?

[Guest Fiona]

Track someone down to unlock it for us. And I was embarrassed, so I made him do it while I kind of hid behind something. You know, it's not like I'm stealing something. And then we go up to checkout, and for some reason, I don't know why, they bag them separately. You know, you have your soda and whatever, and then they put the condom in its own bag because it's going to contaminate your other stuff. I don't know.

[Co-host Dave]

It's got to be in solitary confinement.

[Guest Fiona]

They forgot to give it to me. So I leave, and I'm driving away, and someone in their car starts waving hysterically at me. They want you to go back to Publix. You left something? No, they sent someone after me to get my condoms to tell me I left my condoms. So I had to go back and have them hand them to me personally.

[Chelsea]

They're yelling at you in the parking lot. Hey, lady, I got your condoms.

[Guest Fiona]

You forgot your big exercise. Glow in the dark.

[Co-host Emily]

Don't you want some of that warm and ky?

[Co-host Dave]

Also, I wonder if we could find cashiers that would. Would confess that they jack with customers on purpose when items like that are being bought.

[Chelsea]

I'm not sure. Her tape wasn't out at Walgreens. She probably just.

[Guest Fiona]

Oh, God.

[Chelsea]

It was just. I wasn't embarrassed until she made me stand there for 10 minutes.

[Co-host Dave]

Here's Missa, who works at a Walgreens. Hey, Missa, do you purposely jack with some people that come by to buy the more embarrassing stuff?

[Missa (Walgreens Employee)]

Well, if it's a female buying something by herself, I'll kind of just, like, look at her like, you know, what are you doing with that? Or whatever, you know, and kind of giggle with her and stuff. Embarrass them. But what I called to say was, we have, like, early 20s people, mid-20s, like my age. Come in here with couples and everything and half the time the girl will like stand off to the side while the guy is buying the condoms. Or she'll just run out of the store before he makes his purchase.

[Co-host Dave]

Not really. She's that embarrassed by it.

[Missa (Walgreens Employee)]

Definitely.

[Guest Fiona]

Which they should be proud of that

[Missa (Walgreens Employee)]

they're practicing safe sex.

[Chelsea]

Exactly.

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