Vault: The Spunk Tree

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: The Spunk Tree (July 14, 2026)

Main Theme:
In this hilarious and relatable episode, The Bert Show cast revisits their perennial springtime debate: Which infamous tree smells like "spunk"? The conversation is a comical journey through collective memory lapses, listener calls, botanical theories, and a quest to finally settle—once and for all—if the notorious "spunk tree" is the Bradford Pear, Chinese Chestnut, or perhaps something else. The segment is classic Bert Show: bantering, callback jokes, and a rotating cast of characters all weighing in, with genuine laughter surrounding a bizarrely polarizing seasonal scent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

"The Spunk Tree" Returns – Déjà Vu Debate

• Recurring Topic:
  The hosts admit this awkward, pungent-smelling tree comes up every year, and they always disagree on its identity—leading to familiar confusion each spring.

  • "It's like Groundhog Day every year for us." – Jeff [03:05]

• Jeff's Story:
  Jeff describes his initial exposure to the potent tree by his house years ago. It's an infamous, unforgettable scent.

  • "As soon as I would open up the front door, you were hit in the face with spunk." – Jeff [03:26]
  • The cast riff on names for a hypothetical band: “Pungent Spunk” and “Spunk Funk.”

• Annual Confusion:
  They recall every year cycles through: listeners insisting it’s the Bradford Pear, the show calling botanical experts who say otherwise, and then everyone promptly forgetting for next year’s repeat debate.

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The Scent Suspects: Which Tree Is It?

• Bradford Pear vs. Others:
  Tracy and Heather explain that every year, people claim it’s the Bradford Pear, but botanical experts typically argue it’s not. The cast’s lack of certainty fuels ongoing confusion.

• Listener Theories:
  Multiple callers weigh in with their beliefs:

  • Danny Flanders (Caller): Suggests it's the female ginkgo tree.
    • "I'm willing to bet that since it's not the Bradford Pear, it's the ginkgo tree. And it's the female ginkgo tree, not the male ginkgo tree." [05:14]
  • Catherine (Caller): Proposes the Chinese Chestnut, which several hosts agree sounds correct.
    • "Hey, Bert show. Good morning. It's a chestnut tree... Maybe it's a Chinese chestnut tree." – Catherine [06:40]
  • Amy (Caller): Says Google points to both the Bradford Pear and the Chinese Chestnut as culprits.
    • "I just looked it up on the internet, and it gave two trees. One was the Bradford pear, and then the other one was the Chinese chestnut." – Amy [10:20]

• The Persistent Bradford Pear Theory:
  Many listeners refuse to accept any explanation besides the Bradford Pear, explaining their own experiences.

  • "Every time I go walking in my neighborhood, we have tons of them. And right when I get underneath the Bradford pear, I can smell it." – Heather (Caller) [06:00]

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Attempts at Resolution

• Google It?
  The cast hesitates to search "spunk tree" at work for fear of inappropriate results.

  • Tracy: "Well, I'd be afraid to do that." [04:29]
  • Melissa: "This computer's already shut down enough this year, so. No, I'm good on this." [04:35]

• Expert Consultations:
  The cast tries yet again to contact Atlanta Botanical Garden. They reference past calls with both “the nice nerdy girl scientist” and “the really bitchy succinct” expert.

  • "Can we promise this will be the last time we ever do this?" – Jeff [08:56]
  • "No, I can't make that promise." – Tracy [09:03]

• Memory Assignment:
  The group jokes that someone needs to be assigned to finally remember the answer for next year.

  • "You have to remember this for us every year." – Heather [06:58]

• Compromise & Conclusion:
  Realizing that both Bradford Pear and Chinese Chestnut are cited online, the cast relents:

  • "We're gonna have to meet a halfway compromise here and say that they're both very similar and that they smell like spunk." – Jeff [10:36]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Spunk Funk": The crew riffs on terrible band names as they try to describe the smell.

  • "With the spunk Funk." – Brandon [03:31]
  • "Pungent Spunk." – Heather [03:36]

• Tree Anatomy Jokes:

  • "Well, just look up in the branches. Are there nuts?" – Brandon [05:47]
  • "Yeah, you just gotta look underneath the roots." – Jeff [05:36]

• Listener Community:

  • "First of all, I'm so glad you say it smells like spunk, because my husband says I'm insane when I say that, but I’m a meter reader..." – Dee (Caller) [07:16]
  • "I’ve always called it the sperm tree." – Dee (Caller) [07:49]

• Future-Proofing the Conversation:

  • "Can we just cut out this conversation and save it for next year?" – Heather [11:06]
  • "It is Spunk Hog Day." – Jeff [11:14]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:33 | Segment kicks off: “The Spunk Tree” is reintroduced by Jeff | | 02:14 | Tracy and Heather rehash the annual Bradford Pear debate | | 03:17 | Jeff laments loss of the “king of spunk trees” from his old subdivision | | 03:43 | Brandon details his own late-night tree encounter | | 05:09 | Callers start weighing in on the tree’s identity | | 05:14 | Danny Flanders proposes the female ginkgo tree | | 06:00 | Caller Heather insists it’s the Bradford Pear | | 06:40 | Caller Catherine: "It's a Chinese Chestnut" | | 07:16 | Dee the meter reader shares her revulsion and “sperm tree” moniker | | 10:20 | Amy (caller) says internet claims both Bradford Pear and Chinese Chestnut| | 10:36 | Compromise: both trees may be responsible for the smell | | 11:06 | The group jokes about repeating this annually “Spunk Hog Day” |

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Tone & The Bert Show Style

• Playful, irreverent banter: No one is afraid to crack jokes, make fun of each other, or land a zinger.
• Listener-driven: The cast is energized by calls and listener stories, fueling the circular debate.
• Relentless self-awareness: They openly acknowledge their collective memory failures and the cyclical nature of the topic.
• A dash of education… maybe: Genuine curiosity about plants and botany is often undercut by comic misunderstandings.

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TL;DR

The Bert Show revisits their perennial springtime mystery: Which tree is responsible for the infamous "spunk smell"—the Bradford Pear, Chinese Chestnut, or something else? Despite calls, web searches, and expert outreach, the only certainty is the debate will rage on next year… and every year after. If in doubt about what to plant in your yard, avoid both, unless you’re angling for membership in "Spunkville."

Transcript

[Host]

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[Bretzky]

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[Host]

This is the Bird Show.

[Jeff]

We need you guys to refresh our memory. It's been a couple of years since we talked about it, but Jeff reminded us the spunk trees are back.

[Tracy]

Oh, yeah.

[Brandon]

Oh, here we go.

[Heather]

This is how it goes.

[Brandon]

I can tell you how this conversation.

[Jeff]

Years ago, years ago, I made the observation right outside of my house. I would open up the door and there was this really pungent, pungent smell. A very unique smell. And in all honesty, smells like spunk. You know, dude, spunk. And at the time, it was like our first year here when we were talking about it, we had no idea what this tree was, what it was pollinating. But we all knew as soon as I said the words, everybody knew, like exactly what I was talking about.

[Tracy]

But every year everybody thinks it's the Bradford pear. And don't every year we dispute that.

[Heather]

Not everybody.

[Brandon]

I'll tell you, tomorrow morning, at some point, we are going to have someone on the phone from the Atlanta Botanical Gardens and it's going to be one of two people. It's going to be the really nice but very nerdy girl scientist or it's going to be the really bitchy succinct. This is what it is. And it's not sperm, it's pollen.

[Jeff]

I don't think we're even going to get that far. I think somebody will call because we've done this. We do it like every other year. And we just forget the name of the tree, right?

[Heather]

Because everybody will call and say, it's a bread for pear. And we'll say, no, it's not. And they'll say, yes, it is. And we'll say, no, it's not. And then we'll say, yes, it is. And then we'll say, we gotta get the expert on. And then, like Jeff said, we'll either have the nice one or the mean one on from the botanical gardens. And then they'll tell us what it is. And then we'll forget and we'll do

[Tracy]

this all over again.

[Jeff]

It's like Groundhog Day every year for us. The spunk tree that was in, like on the side of my house, they've cut that down. They have a whole nother community down there, a subdivision now. So it was like. It was the king of spunk trees.

[Brandon]

Well, I think you were spooky.

[Jeff]

So you spelt it all like up and down Windsor Parkway and it's we're spunkless. Now.

[Brandon]

I think you had more than one because I think you found like a garden of spunk.

[Jeff]

It was bad. I mean, as soon as I would open up the front door, you were hit in the face with spunk.

[Brandon]

With the spunk Funk.

[Tracy]

That is the name of a cd like Spunk Garden or a band.

[Melissa]

It's a band name.

[Heather]

Pungent Spunk.

[Melissa]

Pungent Spunk.

[Danny Flanders]

Spunk.

[Jeff]

But Jeff must have one around his house. Cause he brought it up this morning. And you know it when you smell it.

[Brandon]

Yeah, I was, you know, I was out of town for the. For the weekend, for Jessica's birthday and came in late on Sunday night. And then. So never don't use the front door of the house, but opened the door to let the dog go out and use the bathroom. And as soon as the door opened, it just sucked right in there. And that is not like it's 11 o' clock at night. My flight was delayed. All I want to do is get into bed. And to have spunk on your face at it's. That's not a good thing for me. Some people maybe into that. I'm not.

[Jeff]

Tracy doesn't remember it either. She's trying to look it up in the index right now. And the phones have just been dead this Week. So we only got, like, two people calling, but somebody will call and tell us what it is.

[Melissa]

Why don't you just Google spunk tree?

[Jeff]

I don't think it comes up.

[Tracy]

Well, I'll be afraid to do that.

[Brandon]

Why don't you Google it?

[Melissa]

No, this computer's already shut down enough this year, so. No, I'm good on this.

[Tracy]

Afraid to do that.

[Jeff]

You just want to wrap this thing up today, Jeff, and just. Let's call over there now and get our answer, because it's not the brush. And then someone has to be assigned the memory of this, so we never.

[Heather]

You have a great memory. Come on.

[Jeff]

No, I can't. I'll forget. I can't remember the magic number every year. I'm definitely not going to remember.

[Brandon]

But why don't you write it on the crutch? On your crutch? Because the rate you're going, you'll still be on them next year.

[Jeff]

It'll be a different set of crutches, but there will be crutches.

[Brandon]

Well, you guys are mean.

[Jeff]

Hey, Zach.

[Brandon]

Good morning.

[Jeff]

You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, guys.

[Danny Flanders]

Love the show.

[Jeff]

Thank you, sir. Do you remember the name of the spunk tree?

[Danny Flanders]

I'm willing to bet that since it's not the Bradford pear, it's the ginkgo tree. And it's the female ginkgo tree, not the male ginkgo tree.

[Tracy]

Female ginkgo tree.

[Jeff]

Female ginkgo tree. For whatever reason, that's not, like, overwhelming me with, like. Oh, yeah.

[Tracy]

I don't know if I'd recognize it, though, if somebody said it. So, female ginkgo tree.

[Melissa]

I didn't know there were female and male trees.

[Jeff]

Yeah, you just gotta look underneath the roots.

[Melissa]

I had no idea.

[Tracy]

That's something a parent says to a kid and just leaves it alone. The kid's over there digging the tree out.

[Brandon]

Well, just look up in the branches. Are there nuts?

[Heather]

Really?

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Heather]

You laughed at that.

[Tracy]

Thank you, Brandon.

[Heather]

Seriously.

[Tracy]

Come on.

[Jeff]

Hey, Heather. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Tracy]

You're smarter than that, Brandon.

[Caller]

It's definitely the Bradford pear.

[Tracy]

Because it's not.

[Jeff]

We do this every year. It's not the Bradford pear. We do it every year. No, honey, it's not.

[Caller]

Every time I go walking in my neighborhood, we have tons of them. And right when I get underneath the Bradford pear, I can smell it.

[Jeff]

The spunk tree. No, I'm telling you, Botanical gardens will call in a couple of seconds and they'll go again. Bircho. It's not the Bradford pear.

[Brandon]

I Think the problem that you're having is that you have a creepy man hiding in your Bradford pears and he's touching himself.

[Jeff]

I think this is it.

[Tracy]

Why did you further explain that? Because you wouldn't have figured it out.

[Heather]

Lovely.

[Jeff]

I think we got our answer. This one, for whatever reason, hits me like, this is it. Hey, Catherine. Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert show. Good morning. It's a chestnut tree.

[Jeff]

Is it the Chinese chestnut?

[Tracy]

Chinese chestnut?

[Caller]

Maybe it's a Chinese chestnut tree.

[Heather]

That sounds more correct.

[Jeff]

I think that's it.

[Heather]

I think you got it. That's your name.

[Caller]

Moved to Georgia. That is just disgusting.

[Heather]

What's your name?

[Caller]

Catherine.

[Heather]

Catherine, you have to remember this for us every year.

[Brandon]

Are we sure I won't?

[Caller]

I'm positive. That's what it is.

[Brandon]

We've got eight phone lines. Six. Five phone lines lit up and everyone's a different tree.

[Tracy]

No, but I remember the Chinese chestnut.

[Jeff]

I think it's Chinese chestnut.

[Heather]

I think she's right.

[Jeff]

Tracy's looking through the index. She'll get answers for us. Hey, Dee. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, y'. All. First of all, I'm so glad you say it smells like spunk, because my husband says I'm insane when I say that, but I'm a meter reader. And when the grass repair trees get the flowers on them, I like to gag while around them all day. I can't stand it.

[Brandon]

Not this.

[Jeff]

It's not a Bradford pear, though. We did this.

[Caller]

That's all I'm ever around. And only when they have the flowers. They're horrible.

[Jeff]

We gotta call over there again. Everybody thinks it's the Bradford pear, but it's not. And this is almost like we need to tell you. So you don't plant these around your house, right? Unless you have.

[Caller]

I've never called them the. I've always called it the sperm tree.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Brandon]

Oh, you're gross. What's wrong with you?

[Heather]

That's such a worse word.

[Jeff]

Because if you plant all these around your house, you will be enveloped in spunk village.

[Tracy]

Well, now we'll have to do a Chinese chestnut in the yard with the Bradford pear with the female ginkgo tree.

[Jeff]

No, everybody is hooked on Bradford. It's not.

[Brandon]

Then let's just call. I've got the number.

[Jeff]

Emma. It's not. It's not Bradford.

[Caller]

Yes, it is.

[Jeff]

No, it is.

[Brandon]

It's not.

[Heather]

We do this every year. I'm exhausted.

[Brandon]

Maybe.

[Bretzky]

You know what?

[Brandon]

What if there is a whole. What if there are a whole bunch of men who have spunk that smell like Bradford pear trees. So there are two distinct groups.

[Tracy]

Are they just hoarding out in the springtime and frolicking the fields to do that?

[Brandon]

No, I'm not saying that they're doing anything. I'm saying that their stuff smells like a Bradford pear. So half the women smell a Bradford pear. To us, it just smells like, you know, Bradford pears. But to them, it smells like their husbands and boyfriends and lovers and one night stands and the guy in the back of the club.

[Danny Flanders]

Whoa.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Brandon]

Can we call the gardens?

[Jeff]

Do you have the number over there? Oh, go for it. Can we promise this will be the last time we ever do this?

[Brandon]

Nope.

[Tracy]

No, I can't make that promise.

[Jeff]

It's gonna be Chinese chestnut, remember?

[Tracy]

People are mad at it.

[Brandon]

How much you would have bet they answer on the half ring.

[Jeff]

People are screaming, breakfast.

[Danny Flanders]

Thank you for calling the Atlanta Botanical Garden.

[Brandon]

You're welcome.

[Danny Flanders]

The garden is open Tuesday through Sunday, 9am until 7pm if this is the

[Brandon]

bird show, please press 4.

[Danny Flanders]

General admission.

[Caller]

One moment, please.

[Jeff]

It's a Bradford. We cut one down in our yard from Tara.

[Tracy]

It's not a Bradford pear, but obviously Bradford pear stinks. Maybe there's two spunk trees.

[Brandon]

Stinks to you, Melissa. Some people like it.

[Tracy]

Yeah. No, I would not have that in my yard.

[Melissa]

Hmm. Honestly, I don't even know what a Bradford pear is.

[Danny Flanders]

Hi, this is Danny Flanders of the Atlanta Botanical.

[Jeff]

Oh, that's my principal.

[Danny Flanders]

Please leave me a message. Or you can email me at the land.

[Caller]

One moment, please. The operator is not available.

[Jeff]

They had the same receptionist.

[Brandon]

Well, if we call back between 10:30 and 10:45, they'll put us right through.

[Jeff]

I can't get the Botanical Gardens on.

[Brandon]

Well, why don't we leave a message for Ned Flanders?

[Jeff]

Here's Amy. Good morning, Amy. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, I just looked it up on the Internet, and it gave two trees. One was the Bradford pear, and then the other one was the Chinese chestnut.

[Tracy]

Mm.

[Jeff]

So maybe both. Both stank.

[Tracy]

Both smell like spunk. All right.

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[Danny Flanders]

All right.

[Jeff]

I think we're gonna have to meet a halfway compromise here and say that they're both very similar and that they smell like spunk.

[Tracy]

Yeah. Cause the reason we keep saying that it's not the Bradford pear is because the first year, when we called the Botanical Gardens, they said it was not the Bradford pear.

[Jeff]

They were angry at us for even insinuating that it might be the Bradford pearl, the rarest of all the bread for beef. All right, so if you're planning on planting a garden or whatever. Those are the two you want to stay away from. Unless you want to live in the middle of Spunkville, right?

[Heather]

Can we just cut out this conversation and save it for next year at this time and just replay it? Because we're going to have the exact same one, right?

[Jeff]

It is ground. It is Spunk Hog Day.

[Host]

This is the Bird Show. This episode sponsored by Mood. Okay, this is actually genius. Are you ever overwhelmed with choices at the dispensary? What if I told you that you could shop cannabis by the exact mood you want tonight? With Mood, you don't shop by strain names or confusion. You shop by how you want to feel. Want to relax after work, sleep better, feel more creative or be more social? Mood makes it simple. Pick the Feeling and Mood recommends products to match. Mood has gummies, flour, pre rolls and edibles designed around your Mood. I tried Mood's Sleepy Gummies and within an hour I felt calm, settled and ready for bed. No dispensary run, no second guessing, just a smooth relaxing experience delivered to my door. It's federally legal, third party tested and backed by a 100 day satisfaction guarantee. Go to mood mood.com that's mood.com however you want to feel tonight. Mood helps you get there.

[Jeff]

Hey everybody.

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