Vault: The Tiger Woods Voicemail

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: The Tiger Woods Voicemail

Date: May 22, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Team

---

Episode Overview

This episode revisits infamous celebrity voicemails, leading with the notorious Tiger Woods message that contributed to his public scandal. The cast listens, reacts, and jokingly dissects how such personal moments become sensational tabloid fodder. With flair, humor, and a bit of nostalgia, the show also features voicemails from Alec Baldwin, Pat O’Brien, and a hilariously outraged Jimmy Dean sausage customer, blending pop culture and listener engagement in the mix.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Tiger Woods Voicemail

• Voicemail Playback: The episode focuses on Tiger Woods's voicemail to his mistress, urgently asking her to remove her identifying information from her phone because his wife might call her.
  • Quote, Tiger Woods (Voice Actor), [01:50]:
    “Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you… Just have it as a number on the voicemail… You gotta do this for me, quickly. All right, bye.”
• Context & Impact: The hosts discuss how this message, left right before Thanksgiving, precipitated a major fight and the unraveling of Woods’s private life in the public eye.
  • Host 1, [02:21]: “He actually left that voicemail the day before Thanksgiving. So that could have caused the Thanksgiving Day fight.”
  • Co-host 3, [02:33]: “He left that on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and then Thanksgiving night into Friday—wasn’t that when it all came out?”

2. Other Infamous Celebrity Voicemails

Alec Baldwin’s Voicemail to His Daughter

• Playback & Reaction: Hosts play Baldwin’s angry message to his 11-year-old daughter, notorious for its harsh language.
  • Alec Baldwin, [03:19]:
    “You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old…As far as I’m concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time… I’m gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out.”
  • Memorable Moment, [05:14]: “...just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are.”
• Host Response:
  • Co-host 1, [05:28]: “Oh, ouch. Ouch.”
  • Host 2, [05:31]: “Two minutes to an 11-year-old, right?”

Pat O’Brien’s “Hot” Voicemail

• Setup: The team recalls Pat O’Brien’s scandal and playfully critiques how lacking the message is.
  • Pat O’Brien (Voice Actor), [06:10]:
    “You are so hot. I don't want my girlfriend. You are hot. Let’s do it. You are so…”
• Cast Commentary:
  • Co-host 1, [06:36]: “Gross.”
  • Co-host 4, [06:40]: “Yeah.”
  • Co-host 3, [06:43]: “If this was Brad Pitt doing that, you’re kind of dorky but okay. Pat O’Brien is gross.”

3. Everyday Voicemail Drama – The Jimmy Dean Sausage Rant

• Playback: A Texan man rants about Jimmy Dean sausage downsizing, expressing outrage at feeding “three men over 200 pounds apiece” with only 12 ounces.
  • Caller, [07:18]:
    “I can't take and feed a family of five on a little 12-ounce roll of sausage...I'm not going to buy it otherwise ever again. I'll just have my own damn sausage made like I used to 30 something years ago. Not as tasty as yours, but it'll work. Goodbye to that little 12-ounce damn roll... I want to eat, damn it.”
• Host Reaction:
  • Host 2, [09:27]: “Could you imagine getting yourself so worked up over that that you actually pick up the phone and leave a two-minute message?”

4. Listener Interaction

• Caller Asks for Tiger Woods Replay: A listener calls in, having missed the original Tiger Woods voicemail segment while putting her son on the bus.
  • Listener, [09:35]: “I was caught about the Tiger woods voice mode, but you’re gonna have to replay that one because I was holding and I didn’t—even know who that was, but that sounded funny.”
• The show obliges, replaying the infamous clip.

5. The Tiger Woods Voicemail as an R&B Slow Jam

• Musical Parody: The team plays a mashup where Tiger Woods’s voicemail is set to R&B music, poking fun at the melodramatic delivery.
  • Voice Actor (R&B remix), [10:35]:
    “Hey, it's. It's Tiger. Please do me a huge favorite... can you take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone... take your name off your phone.”
• Cast Reaction:
  • Co-host 2, [11:18]: “This is the audio from voice Matt. Freaky girl. Sound effects in the background.”
  • Co-host 3, [11:25]: “Hilarious.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Tiger Woods's Panic:
  “My wife went through my phone and maybe calling you… You gotta do this for me, quickly.”
  — Tiger Woods (Voice Actor), [01:50]

• Baldwin’s Outburst:
  “You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being… I’m going to straighten your ass out.”
  — Alec Baldwin, [03:19] and [04:29]

• Pat O’Brien’s Cringe:
  “You are so hot. I don't want my girlfriend. You are hot. Let’s do it.”
  — Pat O’Brien (Voice Actor), [06:10]

• Jimmy Dean Caller’s Texan Logic:
  “Jimmy Dean sausage is for southern people to eat with breakfast with the fried eggs and the T bone steaks...I want to eat, damn it.”
  — Caller, [07:18] and [08:25]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:30: Introduction to the Tiger Woods scandal and voicemail playback
• 02:21: Recap of the message’s timing and impact on Tiger’s personal life
• 03:11: Alec Baldwin voicemail playback and dissection
• 06:10: Pat O’Brien’s “hot” voicemail
• 07:18: Jimmy Dean sausage customer rant
• 09:35: Listener requests Tiger Woods voicemail replay
• 09:55: Tiger Woods voicemail replayed for listener
• 10:30: R&B slow jam parody of Tiger’s voicemail

---

Conclusion

In true "The Bert Show" style, this episode delivers a hilarious and snarky deep dive into the world of celebrity voicemail fails, adding plenty of their own color commentary and inviting listeners to relive moments that made tabloid headlines. The Tiger Woods scandal anchors the episode, while the juxtaposition of outrage, awkwardness, and parody keeps the tone light and sharply entertaining.

Transcript

[Host 1]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad, and then the next it's no, actually, carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for hers.combert to get personalized affordable care that gets you. That's F O R h e r s.comb for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but go via registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A S to get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions. Visit borhears.com

[Commercial Announcer]

forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love, and you could even win real cash Prizes. New users. 30 coin packs are on sale for [e-mail] SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Host 2]

The Birch Show Tiger woods, man, the voicemail. It's not the first celebrity we've heard from to get busted on voicemail. Right?

[Co-host 1]

Jon Gosselin just a couple of weeks ago. Because Michael had taped it, right?

[Host 2]

That's right. Well, we'll start with Tiger again here. Okay? This was just from a couple of days ago when Tiger's in a bit of a panic.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

It's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and maybe calling you. So if you can please take your name off that and what do you call it? Just have it as a number on the voicemail. Just have it as your telephone number. Okay, you gotta do this for me. Huge Quickly. All right, bye.

[Host 1]

I was reading somewhere the other day that he actually left that voicemail the day before Thanksgiving. So that could have caused the Thanksgiving Day fight.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, it was the 24th, I think, whatever day the 24th was that.

[Host 1]

Yeah, the day before.

[Host 2]

Say that to me one more time.

[Co-host 3]

He left that on Wednesday before Thanksgiving and then Thanksgiving night into Friday. Wasn't that when.

[Caller / Commentator]

Oh, no.

[Co-host 2]

Because didn't they say that the. He left that for the grubs and it was the ukulele. What's her name?

[Co-host 1]

Rachel. You could tell.

[Co-host 2]

You could tell me or you could.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, you could trust me.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. She's the one who is supposed to. Who is supposed to have started the fight that busted up his house. Well, I think he's leaving, too. Dude, you got people to leave messages for you?

[Co-host 3]

Well, and I think his whole thing. My wife just went through my phone. I mean, no telling how many people were in there. So I think that's what started that fight.

[Host 2]

So here you have the classic Alan Baldwin. This one's actually difficult to listen to. Cause remember how he got off on his daughter? Remember this?

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

Hey, I want to tell you something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now because again, it's 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday. And once again, I made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I make that phone call at 11 o' clock in the morning in New York. And if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o' clock at night and you don't even have that damn phone turned on, I want you to know something, okay? I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a Damn that you're 12 years old or 11 years old, or that you're a child or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do. As far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this phone. And when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out.

[Caller / Commentator]

Oh, boy.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

On this issue, I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like. And you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this damn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to get on a plane and I'm going to come out there for the day and I'm going to straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me?

[Host 2]

Remember this?

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

I'm going to really make sure you get it.

[Co-host 3]

I feel like I'm in trouble.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

I'm going to turn around and I'm going to come home. So you better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. Thoughtless little pig.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, ouch. Ouch.

[Host 2]

Two minutes to an 11 year old right? Now, he tried to defend that. I just can't remember.

[Co-host 2]

Was that only two minutes long?

[Host 2]

It was two minutes.

[Co-host 2]

I felt like it was 10.

[Host 2]

Yeah. Oh, you guys remember Pat O'? Brien? He was the sportscaster and I think he was having an affair also. Right. And his thought he was the.

[Co-host 1]

Not a sportscaster, I thought. Wasn't he the one who did like the entertainment shows?

[Host 2]

He was a sportscaster first.

[Co-host 3]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

And then he became like the inside Hollywood guy.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, okay. I have only known him as the inside Hollywood guy.

[Host 2]

And I believe this is Pat o' Brien leaving the party voicemail for his girlfriend.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

You are so hot. I don't want my girlfriend. You are hot. Let's do it. You are so

[Co-host 1]

gross.

[Host 2]

You're not even good at that.

[Co-host 4]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

You can't repeat the same thing over and over.

[Co-host 3]

And it's one of those things where it depends on. It depends on. This is where if you looked good, if this was Brad Pitt doing that.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Co-host 3]

You're kind of dorky, but okay. It's sexy. Pat o' Brien is gross. You know what I'm saying? If you don't.

[Co-host 4]

If you know what he looks like,

[Co-host 2]

think of him kissing you with that mustache of his.

[Co-host 1]

He smells like mothballs, I think.

[Host 2]

And again, you got to get more creative than that. You can't say the same things over and over. And I think she's like, okay, I get it. What else?

[Co-host 2]

How'd you get a mouth to hold still that long?

[Host 1]

That's the only thing he knows. He's drunk.

[Host 2]

He was hammered. He was hammered.

[Co-host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-host 3]

All right.

[Host 2]

And Then there's. I think this is Jimmy Dean the sausage dude.

[Co-host 2]

No, it's not.

[Host 2]

I think it is. Yeah.

[Caller / Commentator]

Randy Taylor. I don't know where you people come from. I don't know. If you test your products, your quantity of your product, your products. Very delicious. Love your sausage for 30 something years, but I can't take and feed a family of five on a little 12 ounce roll of sausage. I don't mind paying you more money for your 16 ounce roll of sausage.

[Host 2]

Is this somebody leaving a voicemail for?

[Co-host 2]

Jimmy D's calling the customer service line, remember? And he's mad because they've adjusted the packaging.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

Okay, don't have it anymore.

[Caller / Commentator]

You've got a 12 ounce roll and you got three men that weigh over 200 pounds apiece, a woman that's a little plump scotch girl and a daughter who's 13. And you're gonna try to take a 12 ounce roll of sausage and a couple of dozen eggs and feed that. It ain't gonna work. And I'm not gonna purchase your product anymore or ever again. And as far as your 16 ounce maple and sage, I don't eat that. I'm not from the north. I'm a Texas man. Jimmy Dean sausage is for southern people to eat with the breakfast with the fried eggs and the T bone steaks.

[Commercial Announcer]

I agree.

[Caller / Commentator]

And I can't see going to a little 12 ounce package to feed four, five, six pieces. And I'm not going to buy two of those 12 ounce packages just because you want to downsize and charge the same damn price. And I'd sure like you to go back to your 16 ounce package on your regular sausage because I'm not going to buy it otherwise ever again. I'll just have my own damn sausage made like I used to 30 something years ago. It's not tasty as yours is, but it'll work. Goodbye that little 12 ounce damn roll of salsa. And you 600 pounds of men. least you get my point. And the two girls and they put it in that roll of salsa in front of them. Somebody needs a kick. Some little consumer geekeroid this up. Oh, so dad, save money. Yes, save money, Save money. I want to eat, damn it.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh, that's great.

[Host 2]

Could you imagine getting yourself so worked up over that that you actually pick up the phone and leave a two minute message? Good morning, Liz, you're on Q100.

[Listener Caller]

Well, I was caught about the Tiger woods voice mode, but you're gonna have to replay that one because I was holding and I didn't Even I don't even know who that was, but that sounded funny.

[Host 2]

You initially called to hear the Tiger

[Listener Caller]

woods voicemail again because I told you, totally missed it. I was putting my son on the bus and I haven't heard it. Please play it again for me.

[Host 2]

Okay, here it is. Here it is.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

It's tired. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and maybe calling you. So if you can please take your name off that and what do you call it? Just have it as a number on the voice. Now just have it as your telephone number. That's it. Okay, you gotta do this for me quickly. All right, bye now.

[Host 2]

Somebody with entirely too much time on their hands has made that into an R B slow jam.

[Caller / Commentator]

Oh, no.

[Host 2]

Are you guys ready for this?

[Co-host 4]

Yes.

[Co-host 1]

Sound like an R. Kelly song.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

Hey, it's. It's Tiger. Please do me a huge favorite.

[Listener Caller]

God,

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

please can you take your name off your phone? My wife after my phone and she made me call. Take your name off your phone.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

You got to do this for me.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

Just have it as a number.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

Your whole body's moving and your senses are more heightened.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

Everything seems to flow better.

[Host 2]

Again. I didn't mean it again. I can't understand what he's saying right there.

[Co-host 2]

This is the audio from voice Matt. Freaky girl. Sound effects in the background.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

Can you take your name?

[Co-host 3]

Hilarious.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

My wife went to my phone and made me call. Take your name off your phone.

[Alan Baldwin (Voicemail Speaker)]

You gotta do this for me.

[Voice Actor / Tiger Woods Voicemail]

Just have it as a number. Take your name. You off your phone. My wife went through my phone and made me home. Take your name.

[Co-host 2]

The bird show.

[Commercial Announcer]

Whether it's slots or live dealers, Spinquest.com has the fun and action you're looking for with Spinquest exclusives Blackjack, roulette, baccarat and even live dice with craps and bubble craps. The games never stop so you don't have to. And right now, new users get $30 coin packs for just 10 bucks. Play [e-mail] SpinQuest is a free to play social casino. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

During Memorial Day at Lowe's shop household must haves for less. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 burner grill to chef up something special. Plus get up to 40 doll 25% off. Select major appliances to keep things fresh. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Lowe's we help you save valid through 527 while supplies last selection varies by location.

[Host 1]

See lowe's.com for details, visit your nearby Lowe's.

[Co-host 4]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[Host 1]

Really?

[Co-host 4]

At a playground?

[Host 1]

Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers.

[Co-host 4]

Wow, your search can really get that specific.

[Host 1]

Really?

[Co-host 4]

And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.

[Host 1]

Mom needs a second.

[Co-host 4]

Honey, you can really have it delivered.

[Host 1]

Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car.

[Co-host 4]

Mommy, I think your kid is walking up the slide. Kyle.

[Host 1]

Again? Really? Auto trader? Buy your car online? Really?