Vault: The Top Five Turn Offs

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show — Vault: The Top Five Turn Offs

Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Date: December 2, 2025
Cast: Anna, Lindsay, Jeff, Melissa
Theme: Discussion of the top five turn-offs in the realm of sexiness and attraction, peppered with authentic humor, anecdotes, and lively debate.

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Episode Overview

In this fan-favorite vault episode, the Bert Show cast dives deep into what makes someone instantly unsexy — the biggest turn-offs, as ranked and debated by the hosts. Featuring unfiltered, hilarious banter and some surprisingly helpful advice, the group unpacks their personal no-go’s and welcomes listeners into their unvarnished (and very funny) world. Though the phone lines are down, the conversation crackles with opinions and classic Bert Show antics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: What Makes Someone Sexy?

• [01:01] Anna introduces the topic, pivoting from phone line troubles to advice on how to be sexy — or, more specifically, what not to do.
• [01:11] Lindsay jokes, “With women, very easy to be sexy,” suggesting simplicity is key for female sexiness.
• [01:15] Anna: "I think this is more geared toward women."
• [01:21] Lindsay: “Take some clothes off. Boom, sexy, done. Let's move on.”
  • The group riffs on the (over)simplicity of male perceptions of sex appeal.

2. The Top Five Turn-Offs for Women Trying to Be Sexy

Anna unveils a ranking of major “don’ts,” with the crew elaborating and riffing on each.

5. Hair Flipping — Overdone is Overkill

• [02:22] Anna: “Number five… flip your hair excessively. Don't flip your hair.”
• [02:46] Lindsay admits, “I got to be honest with you. I do like that... that's a subconscious sign that she's attracted to you. So you can do that as much as you want to me...”
  • The group debates if hair flipping is secretly sexy or just too much.

4. Scratching Your Body

• [03:13] Anna: “Scratch your body... that's a turn off.”
• Jokes fly about body mites, crabs, and odd “animalistic” habits.
• [03:23] Melissa: “What are those body mites?... scabies or something like that...”
• [03:58] Anna: “Okay, moving on. Okay, that's not sexy. Talking about crabs and body mites and ringworm..."

3. Picking Nose or Face

• [04:10] Anna: “Pick your nose or your face."
• [04:12] Lindsay: “Who would do that? I mean, who would…”
• The team reiterates: basic grooming and manners matter.

2. Eating Food Too Fast

• [04:21] Anna: “Eat food fast and furiously… don't, like, gobble your food in two or three bites.”
• [04:32] Jeff: "I'm guilty of this. I'm a way fast eater."
• [04:54] Anna: “I will shovel food in and she [Lisa] will take two hours to eat a sandwich.”
• Hosts blame the radio business for cultivating the habit.
• [05:18] Jeff: “And everybody that we know… that work in radio are fast talkers and fast eaters.”

1. Biting Your Nails

• [06:19] Anna: “And the number one thing… is bite your nails… that is just… so unattractive.”
• [06:19] Lindsay: “If the phones weren't working, I would love to ask this question… what can a guy do to make himself physically sexy?”

3. Turn-Offs for Men: What’s Unsexy on a Guy?

• [06:45] Jeff: “That depends if you got the stomach that's worth showing.”
• [06:51] Anna notes fashion: too-tight or muscle shirts are off-putting — the "cut off shirt thing" as “nasty and redneck.”
• [07:27] Melissa: “With guys, it’s more about just give us a sneak peek. We don’t need to see a mesh shirt per se…”
• Chest hair is discussed as polarizing: sexy to some, “Busch Gardens” to others.
• [08:06] Lindsay: “I got an email last week… he is the hairiest human being I have ever seen. And it is so disgusting that I could not look away.”

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

On Female Turn-Offs

• Lindsay [01:17]: “Okay, take some clothes off. Boom, sexy, done. Let's move on.”
• Anna [02:22]: “Flip your hair excessively. Don't flip your hair.”
• Melissa [01:57]: “When you shave your legs, don’t miss any spots… it’s skanky when a guy finally gets to that point.”

The Nail-Biting Debate

• Anna [06:19]: “If your nails are like just ragged and… look like a mountaintop where it’s just all kinds of… ragged… that is just… so unattractive.”

Chest Hair Confessions

• Lindsay [08:06]: “He is the hairiest human being I have ever seen in my life. And it is so disgusting that I could not look away.”
• Anna [08:40]: “He’s like Velcro.”

On Preferences and Judgment

• Jeff [10:07]: “It’s kind of like snuggling with a big teddy bear, I guess.”
• Melissa [10:16]: “Hey, it’s a good thing for soaking up crumbs, like, you know, nasty.”

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Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |:----------|:-------------------| | 01:01 | Intro to the topic: What not to do if you want to be sexy | | 02:22 | Hair flipping as a potential turn-on vs. turn-off | | 03:13 | Scratching, body hygiene, and TMI debates | | 04:10 | Picking nose or face — instant attraction killer | | 04:21 | Eating too fast — radio industry confessions | | 06:19 | Nail biting: the unanimous #1 turn-off | | 07:27 | Guy turn-offs: too-revealing shirts, chest hair | | 08:06 | Epic story of the world’s hairiest man | | 10:07 | Hairy men: comfort vs. cringe | | 10:31 | Open talk on personal preferences and deal-breakers |

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Tone & Style

The episode’s style is playful, snarky, and candid, with everyone riffing off one another in a way that’s both funny and remarkably relatable. The cast does not shy away from TMI or laugh-out-loud moments, making listeners feel like their own quirks are totally normal.

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Final Thoughts

For anyone curious about the little things that can make or break attraction, this episode offers a witty, sometimes gross, and always entertaining rundown of real turn-offs. The consensus? Whether it’s over-flipping your hair, biting your nails, or going full bear with the chest hair, a little self-awareness goes a long way.

For more Bert Show antics and to weigh in on the debate, check them out online — and maybe, avoid shaving just half your legs this winter.

Transcript

[Anna]

Did I talk too much? Can I just let it go?

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[Jeff]

The Birch Show.

[Anna]

You know, here, since we, you know, phone lines are down, we thought we would talk a little bit, give some people advice on what you can do to be sexy this weekend. You know, here's some. Some top things you can do and not.

[Lindsay]

Does this go both ways with guys and women? Because with women, very easy to be sexy.

[Anna]

I think this is more geared toward women.

[Lindsay]

Okay, take some clothes off. Boom, sexy, done. Let's move on.

[Anna]

Well, here are things. Well, we'll. Okay, let's flip it a little bit. Then let's talk about things not to do.

[Lindsay]

Okay, this is.

[Anna]

These are things to. Not to do if you want to be sexy.

[Jeff]

So.

[Anna]

So, okay, if you want to be sexy, then there's. Burt, number one. Only thing you have to do is take off your clothes. Is that what you're saying?

[Lindsay]

I'm not saying all of them. I'm just a little bit. Just tease me a little bit.

[Anna]

Little bit.

[Lindsay]

Show me a little midriff action. Bring the, you know, the dink, dink up a little bit.

[Anna]

Right.

[Lindsay]

Don't. Don't. Down a little bit.

[Anna]

Right?

[Lindsay]

And. Yeah, that's sexy to a guy.

[Anna]

Well, I'm game over now. I'm assuming, though, that for when. If you had something that you could tell women not to do, I'm sure the list would be a little longer. Just that.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Wear a lot of clothes.

[Anna]

And that's it. Okay, game over.

[Melissa]

All right, next, for women to be sexy, when you shave your legs, don't miss any spots, because I'm the biggest culprit of it all. When I shave My legs, I always miss, like, my ankles or like this spot right behind my knee. And it's skanky when a guy finally gets to that point.

[Lindsay]

Okay, let's run with that. Cause, yeah, I've seen that before where a woman has completely shaved her legs, but then right at the thigh, she just stops doing that. Yeah, that's not right.

[Anna]

No, no, you gotta put it in a little. Oh, see, now that's the winter shave. You know, for women. That's just where, you know, if you're wearing pants and only, like, up to your half calf is going to show in the wintertime. That's, you know, if that's all you got to shave, that's all you're going to shave. But here, okay, here's the top things not to do for a woman if you want to be sexy. Okay, Number five, We got five of them. All right, Number five, flip your hair excessively. Don't flip your hair.

[Lindsay]

I. I got to be honest with you.

[Anna]

You like that?

[Lindsay]

I do like that. Because somebody told me a long time ago, if you're in a bar, right, and. And you are talking to a woman and she starts playing with her hair or she starts flipping her hair, that that's a subconscious sign that she's attracted to you. So you can do that as much as you want to me. I mean, make it look like you have a seizure. Give me a sign.

[Jeff]

Oh, my God. What's wrong with that girl's neck?

[Anna]

Well, here's another thing. Scratch your body. Like, don't scratch so much, you know? I guess that's a turn off. Is this for anybody, though? What are those little scratching like a dog with fleas. I don't think that's sexy.

[Melissa]

What are those body mites? Not crabs, but. What are those body mites that we always talk about them. What are they called, Jeff?

[Lindsay]

What is it that you get all the time?

[Anna]

Yeah, Jeff, the body mites that we.

[Jeff]

Talk about all the time.

[Melissa]

We've talked about them before, like scabies or something like that, but they're called something like that.

[Lindsay]

I don't know.

[Jeff]

Anyway, I don't speak, Lindsay.

[Lindsay]

I don't know.

[Anna]

Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, Jeff, you know, when you start picking at yourself, let us know what you're thinking.

[Jeff]

Lyme disease. Tics.

[Melissa]

No, not ticks. They're a body mites. Now scratch. We went over that already, Jeff.

[Anna]

Okay, moving on. Okay, that's not sexy. Talking about crabs and body minds and ringworm and that kind of thing. Something else in this. I mean, this should be just understood. Pick your nose or your face.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, well, who would do that? I mean, who would.

[Anna]

Who is going to pick the nose? I mean, this. I swear, this is on my list. Pick your nose. Number three. I think that that is. But maybe there are people out there that pick their nose.

[Lindsay]

And it certainly isn't sexy.

[Anna]

And. Yeah, that's not sexy.

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[Anna]

Eat food fast and furiously. I assume this is. Well, this could be for guys and women, but if you're trying to turn somebody on and you go to dinner, don't, like, gobble your food in two or three bites.

[Jeff]

I'm guilty of this. I'm a way fast eater.

[Lindsay]

So am I.

[Jeff]

It drives Jessica nuts because I'll be completely done with a meal in like 10 minutes. And then she's still sitting there eating, and I have to explain to her, don't feel bad. I'll sit and be patient. I just eat fast.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Stacy likes the whole event, the whole going to, sitting down, the conversation, you know, chewing on every damn piece 60 or 70 times. And I'll like, this is just to get me to the next meal. Let's move on.

[Anna]

I have to say that I'm a fast eater, too, and not. Lisa's always fussing at me because I'm like, Jeff, I will show. I mean, I just will shovel food in and she will take two hours to eat a sandwich.

[Jeff]

I think it's. Honestly, I think it's a radio thing, because most people in radio eat fast. Because if you think about it, I mean, if we have a sandwich in here, when do we get to eat it? Either when 4 minutes of commercials are playing or a 4 minute song is.

[Lindsay]

Playing, get it down.

[Jeff]

And you have to. And you just like. And everybody that we know, Jessica and I know that work in radio are fast talkers and fast eaters.

[Anna]

I never thought of that. Maybe that's true.

[Melissa]

I don't know that everybody is a fast talker.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Lindsay]

I think she just launched scud at you.

[Anna]

Whether it hit or not, I don't know. All right? And the number one thing on my list of things not to do if you want to be sexy is bite your nails. I have to say that, you know, everybody has a thing that they. That is an automatic turn off of somebody, like a physical attribute, you know, or things they look at. And hands are a big thing for me. And I know Lindsay said the same thing that hands are a turn on or turn off for me. If you have bad hands, then that is an automatic turn off. And one of the things on the. If your nails are like just ragged and you know, look like a mountaintop where it's just all kinds of, you know, ragged and point and everything where you've been biting. Yeah. That is just. I think that is so unattractive.

[Lindsay]

If the phones weren't working, I would love to ask this question because I mean for a guy it is so easy to look at a woman and for a woman to make herself sexy. But I have never really got any concrete answers on what can make a guy physically sexy.

[Jeff]

So email us.

[Lindsay]

I guess you can email us. Like what can a guy do? Like honestly, a woman. If you show your stomach, guys think that's sexy. Okay, easy to do. Show me some show that's sexy.

[Jeff]

That depends if you got. If you got the stomach that's worth showing.

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Jeff]

But I mean, no one to cover.

[Anna]

Now, of course I'm, you know, not sexually attracted to men, but I do have to say that one thing that I notice and you know, my straight friends who really notice like the guys that. And it kind of goes the same way. Like if you're built, if you're a guy, like you don't want to show too much. You don't want to do that cut off shirt thing, which is nasty and redneck. But like in like last night I was at a red chair event. There was this one guy who was actually from David magazine. So give him kudos. He had this black shirt on that was nice fit shirt that showed his definition. But it wasn't too tight, it wasn't too loose. It was just enough to where anyone could take a look at his physique and see that he was really built. I think that is sexy.

[Melissa]

Melissa brings up a great point because it is with guys. It's more about just give us a sneak peek. We don't need to see a mesh shirt per se, you know what I mean? So we can see everything underneath. But if you have a long sleeve, a button down shirt, wear it without the regardless of your chest hair. Because chest hair is sexy too. Unless it's like a Busch Gardens growing out of your chest. You know what I mean?

[Lindsay]

I've seen that picture.

[Melissa]

Well, but I think more guys, I.

[Jeff]

Saw some guy walking through.

[Lindsay]

You know what, maybe we should talk about that right now.

[Jeff]

I saw some guy walking through Phipps Plaza on Sunday. And I mean this guy, seriously, if. If a kitten jumped on his chest to take a nap, disappear.

[Lindsay]

I got a picture last week. I think, you know, a listener just wanted to send an email and I Got an email last week that is a guy that is laying on his stomach. He's in a hotel room, it looks like, and he is booty naked. Booty naked. And he is the hairiest human being that I have ever seen in my life. And it is so disgusting that I could not look away. It was that bad. And I showed Melissa, I showed Lindsey, I showed Jeff. Is it not the most disgusting picture you've ever seen in your life?

[Jeff]

Burned into retinas?

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Anna]

I mean, yeah, this poor guy. I mean, he's like Velcro.

[Melissa]

Oh. But there's like one spot on this person's back that has no hair.

[Anna]

But see, I'm fascinated by the fact because again, it is a picture where he is naked and that, you know, even. Even the cheeks, even his butt cheeks as hairy as his chest and his back. Fascinating. Fascinating.

[Lindsay]

I want to share this picture online, but we'd have to put like one of those convenient little red dots over the booty. Cause he does have some junk hanging down and stuff. It's all. It looks like a Chia Pet kinda.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Lindsay]

But it's the most disgusting picture I've ever seen yet. So intriguing.

[Melissa]

You can't stop.

[Lindsay]

You can't stop looking at it.

[Melissa]

Picture yourself giving him a back wax and putting those sheets on and just pulling.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I don't.

[Anna]

I just can imagine the, you know, people like the company of Drano or those similar companies making a lot of money off him and whoever's in his household because he clogs the drain every time he takes a shower.

[Lindsay]

Some women find that really, really attractive.

[Jeff]

No, they don't really.

[Anna]

Some women and some men find that very, very attractive. Yeah.

[Lindsay]

Hairier the better. Oh, really?

[Anna]

Absolutely.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

And I can say this with being very decent because it's a 25. They look like down their hairs. You know what I'm talking about?

[Lindsay]

Yeah. All over their body.

[Melissa]

All over everyone.

[Lindsay]

I'd love to find a woman that. See if the phone lines are still down.

[Jeff]

If you're a hair woman, call up.

[Lindsay]

No, that, that you will find women that. That love hairy guys. The hairier the better.

[Jeff]

It's kind of like snuggling with a big teddy bear, I guess.

[Melissa]

Hey, it's a good place. It's a good thing for soaking up crumbs, like, you know, nasty.

[Lindsay]

Yes. See, from inside the studio, it says to us that there are no phone lines lit up right now. Yet when I call, we get a busy signal. So the phone lines are still down.

[Jeff]

What's that?

[Melissa]

No, no, no, not that. I wasn't gonna say anything. I was just gonna say that. Hey, everybody has their own thing. Whatever floats your boat.

[Jeff]

You don't like hair on a woman at all?

[Lindsay]

No, I got to be honest with you. And if I could, I'd shave off every strand of hair I have. I hate hair. You are a furry little fan. I know.

[Anna]

I hate.

[Lindsay]

You're like a. You know what you are?

[Jeff]

You're our very own little Ewok from Star Wars.

[Lindsay]

Jeff calls me a frugal. A fraggle.

[Jeff]

Well, you're a frugal. You're a frugal as well. We've been to lunch together. The Birch show.

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[Anna]

Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore. But not the socks he picked.

[Lindsay]

I know. I'm putting them back.

[Anna]

Hey, Dave, here's a tip. Put scratchers on your list.

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[Lindsay]

Good idea.

[Anna]

It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.

[Lindsay]

Thanks, random singing people.

[Anna]

So be like Dave.

[Melissa]

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[Anna]

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[Lindsay]

Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase player claim.

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