Vault: The Tough Conversation Every Parent Faces

Summary

The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: The Tough Conversation Every Parent Faces
Date: July 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the complex and emotional topic of how adults should respond when they discover a teenager in their family might be experimenting with marijuana or other substances. Prompted by a listener’s “butt dial” incident, the cast debates the best way to intervene and discusses the broader implications for parents, guardians, and concerned relatives. The episode features passionate calls from listeners who share firsthand experiences as parents, people in recovery, and professionals. The conversation explores the responsibility to act, how to approach teens, and the seriousness of seemingly small “red flags.”

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Butt Dial Incident (00:58-01:54)

• Origin of Discussion: The show receives a story where a woman is butt-dialed by her 17-year-old cousin, overhearing a conversation about marijuana involving the cousin and her 14-year-old sibling.
• Immediate Reactions:
  • Host Jeff: Advocates for going directly to the parent after a brief talk with the 17-year-old.
  • Co-host Melissa: Suggests addressing the 17-year-old first, allowing an opportunity to self-correct before involving the parent.
  • Co-host Greta: Agrees with Melissa’s nuanced approach.

Legal and Parental Responsibility (03:21-04:40)

• Caller Amy (parent of a child with substance issues):
  • Shares her painful experience of her son’s escalation from marijuana to pain pills, then heroin.
  • Urges the importance of early intervention and not assuming “someone else will handle it.”
  • Highlights that at 17, teens may face adult legal consequences.
  • “By the time I found out about it, he was so far gone... there was nothing that I could do.” (03:29)
  • Emphasizes that substance abuse can happen even in high-achieving, seemingly “good” kids.

The Gateway Debate and Notification Approach (04:40-06:34)

• Co-host Jason: Argues most youth start with alcohol, not pot; underscores the importance of not keeping secrets.
• Caller Amy: Recommends speaking honestly to the 17-year-old and not shying away from notifying the parent:

  “Go to the 17 year old, tell them you know and say, 'I'm sorry, I love you. I'm not trying to get you in trouble, but I think your mom needs to know. Is this a problem for you?' And then go to the mother...” (06:02)

Perspective from Recovery (06:44-08:45)

• Caller Jeff (recovering addict):
  • Believes any adult intervention could have helped him avoid years of substance abuse.
  • Advocates for directness, even at the risk of angering the teen:

    “If I was the cousin, I probably would go to him or her and say, you need to stop what you’re doing. But, you know, I don’t care if you get mad at me or whatever, I’m going to your mom with this…” (07:34)

  • Warns teens may ignore advice and return to risky behavior with peers.

The Professional's Opinion – Parent & Therapist (08:54-10:59)

• Caller John: Parent of teens and a therapist working with addicted individuals.
  • Asserts that even seemingly minor involvement with substances by adolescents must be taken seriously.
  • Stresses the legal risks—juvenile substance use can have lifelong consequences.
  • Strongly supports telling the parent, regardless of personal relationship with the teen:

    “If you’ve got a kid that’s involved in this kind of activity, even casually... that’s a huge issue. And by all means, mom has got to know.” (09:07) “If that 17 year old gets arrested at school for pot... they’re going to superior court. That’s going to be on their record... they’re very likely not going to get a job because of that.” (10:28)

On Parenting and Perspective (11:02-12:44)

• Hosts reflect on who gets to give advice:
  • Some argue you don’t have to be a parent to have a valid opinion about protecting teens.
  • Co-host Jason vocalizes frustration with the “you’re not a parent, you wouldn’t understand” mentality:

    “I never want the words to ever come out of my mouth: ‘You don’t understand because you’re not a parent.’ Because I think that’s the most condescending, offensive phrase...” (12:35)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Caller Amy (Parent):
  “People all around me knew about it... family members, very good friends, neighbors. And by the time I found out about it, he was so far gone that there was nothing I could do.” (03:29)
• Co-host Jason:
  “Most people start with alcohol.” (05:11)
• Caller Jeff (In Recovery):
  “If somebody had intervened—my mom, a cousin or something... I just believe that, you know, somebody should intervene.” (07:02)
• Caller John (Therapist/Parent):
  “If that 17-year-old gets arrested at school for pot... that’s going to be on their record for every day, the rest of their life.” (10:28)
• Co-host Jason:
  “I never want the words to ever come out of my mouth: ‘You don’t understand because you’re not a parent.’ Because I think that’s the most condescending, offensive phrase that somebody can say.” (12:35)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:58 – Butt dial incident and immediate reactions
• 03:21 – Caller Amy’s story and parental hindsight
• 06:02 – Amy’s advice for intervening with teens
• 06:44 – Caller Jeff on lived experience and recovery perspective
• 08:54 – Caller John provides therapist/parent perspective
• 10:28 – Legal implications for minors using drugs
• 11:02 – Discussion: Do you need to be a parent to have an opinion?
• 12:35 – Co-host Jason’s thoughts on “parent only” advice

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Summary Flow & Key Takeaways

The cast and callers thoroughly explore the difficulties adults face when they learn a teen in their life may be experimenting with substances—especially the divide between confronting the teen directly or immediately alerting their parent/guardian. The stakes, including escalating substance abuse and serious legal consequences, are laid bare through candid stories and professional opinions. The resounding message: silence and secrecy help no one, and intervention—though difficult—is critical. The episode is a powerful resource for anyone struggling with similar dilemmas in their own families or communities.

Transcript

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[Host Jeff]

Get it the Birch show we just got into a topic based on a butt dial. Butt dials are often funny. Sometimes they're serious. This one was serious. A girl got butt dialed by her cousin and her cousin was clearly playing with the Mary Jane, at least talking about it.

[Co-host Melissa]

Talking about it.

[Co-host Jason]

I mean she wasn't clear if she was actually smoking at the time. But the cousin's 27. She got butt dolled by her 17 year old cousin who was in a discussion with another guy or another guy. She's a girl, 17 year old girl in a discussion with the guy about marijuana. And then you know, that's serious enough. But the other serious part of that is the 14 year old sibling was in the conversation. So she was, she came to us and asked us what she should do and I think it was a really good debate. But Jeff's position was go straight to mom and let her know what's going on. And my position was go to the 17 year old first, give her the opportunity to straighten up and then if she doesn't, then go to the mom.

[Co-host Greta]

I completely agree with Melissa's viewpoint on that.

[Host Jeff]

Now we're not as far apart as I thought we were because I think I'm not opposed to going to the 17 year old first and having a conversation with him. But because the child is 17 years old and because the child is legally a minor, regardless of how involved the parent may or may not get, I think you still have an obligation to tell the parent and you have to do it pretty quickly after you talk to the 17 year old. Like hey I just want to let you know, last week I heard this, yesterday I did this. And here's where it stands today.

[Co-host Jason]

My big concern is the 14 year old, though. That's where I'd be a little more stern about how I'm gonna, you know, how I'm gonna handle it with the 14 year old.

[Host Jeff]

Amy wants to weigh in on this and she might be a little fired up cause she's on her way to court right now because of her, so.

[Co-host Melissa]

All right.

[Host Jeff]

Hey, Amy.

[Caller Amy]

Hi.

[Host Jeff]

How are you?

[Caller Amy]

I'm okay.

[Co-host Jason]

Okay.

[Host Jeff]

Kind of struck a nerve this morning, huh?

[Caller Amy]

Nyah.

[Podcast Host]

What's going on?

[Caller Amy]

I'm on the way right now to a sentencing hearing for my 20 year old who started smoking pot at the age of 16 and moved to pain pills. And, and Jeff, I just heard him say that the child is still a minor at 17. Well, in the eyes of the law, he's not a minor. He is now an adult and will be charged as such if caught with any sort of drugs.

[Co-host Jason]

What age is that? What age does that change? Is it 17 or 16?

[Caller Amy]

It's 17.

[Co-host Jason]

17. Okay.

[Caller Amy]

We've been dealing with this for three years, but it went on for two years before I ever knew about it. However, people all around me knew about

[Co-host Greta]

it, like family members.

[Caller Amy]

Family members, very good friends, neighbors. And before I. By the time I found out about it, he was so far gone that there was nothing that I could do. He had moved from pain pills to heroin.

[Co-host Jason]

I mean, see that? I, I think that's a little. I mean, not.

[Caller Amy]

I know it's a little. I know, I know it's different because a lot. But I. Now that I've dealt with this, I have seen it happen a lot. And, you know, I know there's a big controversy about pot being a gateway drug and so forth, but most people start with pot. They don't go straight from nothing to, you know, pain pills or. And this was a child that was. There were no signs. I was a stay at home mom. He never missed school, straight A student scholarships coming at him like crazy for sports. So there were no signs.

[Co-host Jason]

Well, I know, and what I was going to say is it's different, but it's not. I mean, I think your call is very important because I do think that it is, because I totally disagree with everybody knowing and not saying anything. You know, my point was to have one conversation with that 17 year old and that's all it took. And if that one conversation didn't work, then the parent gets involved. And the fact that neighbors and Everybody knew that he was doing pills and he was doing, you know, all these other things. That's just ridiculous. And, and I think that, yes, there's a controversy about pot being a gateway drug. I think I disagree with you. Most people start with pot. I think most people start with alcohol.

[Host Jeff]

Right.

[Lady Luck]

You know what I mean?

[Co-host Greta]

So.

[Co-host Jason]

And no, you know, in my position earlier was that I think that a lot of people would have been had a different opinion of this call if the butt doll was about her getting drunk.

[Caller Amy]

Oh, yeah, most certainly. Most certainly. But see, I don't know because that was never an issue, still, that he still doesn't drink. So that's never been an issue. Because these kids, they do what they can get away with. And I've learned a lot. And believe me, probably 60 to 70% of our children in high school are doing some sort of pain pill or Xanax or anything like that because they can get away with it. They can go to school like that, they can function like that. We don't smell it.

[Co-host Jason]

Right. One last question. What would your advice be to that cousin that called us? What would you tell her to do?

[Caller Amy]

I would tell her to go to the 17 year old, tell him that she knows and say, I'm sorry, I love you. I'm not trying to get you in trouble, but I think your mom needs to know, is this a problem for you? And then go to the mother and say, you know, I want you to know this just so you're aware, if nothing else, just so she's aware to look out for it. Something so terrible that she can't stop it.

[Co-host Greta]

I think that's a good way to phrase it.

[Co-host Jason]

Right. Well, I appreciate the call and I appreciate the insight. I'm just sorry on how you got it, you know.

[Host Jeff]

Hey, Jeff, welcome to the show.

[Co-host Melissa]

Hey, man.

[Host Jeff]

Hey, man.

[Co-host Melissa]

Listen, I'm just, I'm a recovering addict myself and I just like to call. Comment on the caller that got the problem with the 17 year old. Everything started out with me probably the same way. And I just believe that if somebody had intervened, whether it had a being, you know, my mom or a cousin or something coming to me, you know, at an early age, that it would have, you know, I mean, I'm in recovery now, but I'm doing good now.

[Host Jeff]

But what's the, what's the magic sentence? Like, if it's your cousin and you and your cousin found out the same way by overhearing a conversation, what sentence could she or he say to you at age 17? Because one thing I do agree with melissa about. Is 17 year olds know it all. So they're not, they're not going to say, oh, you want me to stop? Yeah, yeah.

[Co-host Melissa]

And I'm, and I agree with both sides. You know, I agree with her side and your side. But I think, you know, if I was the cousin, I probably would go to go to him or her and say, you know, you need to stop what you're doing. But, you know, I don't care if you get mad at me or whatever, I'm going to your mom with this, you know, because, I mean, I know that, you know, people look at. Alcohol is not that big of a problem. Weeds, not that big of a problem. But, you know, it can turn into a lot greater problem than what people think it can. And it happens very quickly. So, you know, and I mean, I had good, you know, parents growing up. And I mean, you know, and I was always a good, you know, and mine didn't really start, you know, until I was 16, 17 years old. And then it just took off from there. So, you know, I just believe that, you know, somebody, you know, should intervene. And I think it should be taken as more serious than, you know, then just, you know, them going to them and saying, look, you need to stop this, whatever. Because I mean, chances are if they're at home alone or whatever, they're gonna, you know, they may listen to it, but they, when they get back around their friends or whatever, they're gonna start doing it again.

[Host Jeff]

Thanks for the call, Jeff.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Co-host Jason]

And congratulations on your recovery.

[Host Jeff]

Hey, John, you can be our second last call on the show. How are you?

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Very good, thanks. I just wanted to weigh in. Not only am I a parent of a 17 year old and two 14 year olds, I'm also a therapist. I work with addicted individuals. And you know, with all respect to Melissa, you're not a parent and this is a huge issue. This is not a small, insignificant thing. You know, if you've got a kid that's involved in this kind of activity, even casually and is, and is sitting around with a friend discussing, you know, the need for more or we need, we're running out, we need to buy more. That kind of, that's not a casual thing. That's, that's a huge issue. And by all means, mom has got to know. Now, I'm not saying you can't go to the kid first, but you need to go to the kid and say, look, I'm telling you right now, I'm going to mom.

[Co-host Jason]

Well, and with all due Respect. Jeff's not a parent either.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Point of number one, a parent, but also a therapist, you know, and the other thing, you know, and I know that this is kind of in touch on, this is an illegal act. Like the parent, the mom said a few minutes ago, trust me, I've got a son who's involved in the legal system right now with charges pending. And somebody said while ago, well, the parent won't be held liable just because the kid has pot. Not true. Not true. If they've got it in the house, the parent is liable.

[Co-host Greta]

But what if it's with this parent? That doesn't sound like they're very involved in the child's life. What if it's a parent that just doesn't care? I mean, cousin's got to do something.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

There's always that possibility, always. Whether a parent is a stay at home mom like the other lady, or no matter what the work schedule of the parent, there's always a possibility they're not going to be involved in the kid's life or they're going to take it very casually. But still you've got to approach it as seriously as you can possibly approach it because it is an illegal act. And trust me, if that 17 year old gets arrested at school for pot and gets. They're not going to juvenile court, they're going to superior court. And when they go to superior court, that's going to be on their record for every day, the rest of their life. Every time they try to fill out a job application, it's going to say, have you ever been convicted, you know, of a drug charge? And they're gonna have to check. Yes. And they're very likely not going to get a job because of that. It's a huge, huge issue.

[Host Jeff]

Thanks for the call, John.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Thanks. Bye bye.

[Podcast Host]

Thank you,

[Host Jeff]

therapist. You're not a parent.

[Co-host Jason]

I'm not a parent, so I have no valid opinion. But you're not a parent either, Jeff. But he agreed with me.

[Host Jeff]

Yeah, but I agreed with me.

[McDonald's Announcer]

He agreed with me.

[Caller Jeff]

I do.

[Host Jeff]

While Melissa and I do disagree. I am. But I think it does frustrate me at the. When people say, well, you can't give advice because like my advice is not coming from a parenting point of view. Mine's just a very practical point of view.

[Co-host Greta]

You're a guardian from the teenagers.

[Host Jeff]

Yeah. You're a guardian. And the guardian of that kid needs to know if that kid's doing something legal. I don't have to be a parent to say that.

[Co-host Jason]

And I totally respect what Jeff was saying, I mean, if that's what ends up happening, I'm not opposed to that. But yeah, that is. Will spawn another conversation because I've talked about how Katie and I are considering children and freezing my eggs and all that stuff. The thing that keeps me from wanting to be a parent is other parents.

[Host Jeff]

Can't you go ahead and say that you are a parent because if your eggs are frozen, can you just say

[Co-host Jason]

they're not frozen yet, but they will be here in a few weeks.

[Host Jeff]

You have a little popsicle kids.

[Co-host Jason]

Yeah. So I'm in the process. We've got to talk about that too. I'm in the process of getting that done, which is very fascinating.

[Lady Luck]

Cool.

[Co-host Jason]

But yeah, no, I. Other parents scare me. It's not the kids, it's the. It's having to involve my life now with other parents. And I just really. Yeah, it's just there's, you know, I'll just go ahead and say there's two different types of parents. There's the parents that there's good ones and bad ones. Well, there's the condescending kind and then there's those that are just human beings and they're the same human beings after they have a child that they were before they had the child. And you know, I just. And I understand the severity of it, I understand the responsibility of it and I'm old enough to understand that. But I never want the words to ever come out of my mouth. You don't understand because you're not a parent. Because I think is the most condescending offensive phrase that, that somebody can say

[Caller Jeff]

to you, you're on the Birch show.

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