Vault: The Vacation Hookups Nobody Was Supposed to Know About

Summary

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The Bert Show: "Vault: The Vacation Hookups Nobody Was Supposed to Know About" (April 6, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, The Bert Show cast dives into the infamous phrase, "What happens on vacation, stays on vacation." The crew opens up a conversation about the secretive world of vacation hookups—those flings and secret moments no one is supposed to find out about. The cast encourages listeners to call in and anonymously share stories where flirty escapades, hookups, and sometimes full-blown affairs unfolded away from home—and whether any of them truly stayed a secret. The episode is rich in humor, honest revelations, and relatable moments from the hosts and listeners alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The "Vacation Stays on Vacation" Myth (01:31–04:00)

• Host Discussion: Bert raises the question: “Has anything that’s ever happened on vacation really stayed on vacation?” (01:31)
  • The cast debates whether vacation secrets, particularly romantic or sexual ones, actually remain hidden.
  • Points out differences between various types of vacations, e.g., spring break, family trips, bachelorette weekends.
  • Kristen shares, “A guy tried to hit on me with, ‘When you’re out of town, it doesn’t count.’” (02:23)
  • The crew laughs about the mental gymnastics people do to justify “it doesn’t count” on trips.

Notable Quote:

Kristen (02:23): “You realize that when you're out of town, it doesn't count, is what he said.”
Davi (02:43): “Numbers don't increase on vacation!”

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Are Women or Men More Secretive? (03:42–04:46)

• Bert claims: “That’s the difference between girls and guys. Girls say less of what they did. Guys make stuff up.” (03:45)
• Humor and stereotypes about gendered storytelling after a trip.
• The team discusses how stories often get exaggerated (or downplayed) depending on who’s telling.

Notable Quote:

Bert (03:45): “Guys are making up—‘Oh my God, it was ridiculous, then her twin sister showed up!’”

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Listener Confessions: The Hookups Nobody Was Supposed to Know About

Chris's Panama City Secret (03:57–04:45)

• Story: Chris says he slept with his friend's girlfriend during a group vacation—while his friend was passed out in the same room. The friend never found out, and the friendship faded after.
• Hosts’ Reactions: Amused and a bit shocked; lots of commentary on secret betrayals.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Kristen (04:45): “You rear-ended my car, rear-ended your girlfriend.”

The Futon Pact (05:01–05:54)

• Listener "Kelly" (voice disguised): During college, she hooked up with her guy roommate (a best friend since kindergarten) on a group spring break trip. They made a pact never to tell anyone.
• Host’s Comments:
  • Davi (05:25): "Oh, that'll always mess up a good friendship."
  • The cast jokes about the futon as the epitome of unsexy locations.

Notable Quote:

Kristen (05:54): “What happens on a futon stays on a futon. Nothing says sexy like a futon.”

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Jamaica Bridal Party Bombshell (06:22–07:10)

• Second "Kelly" (another voice disguised): Admits to hooking up with the groom (her best friend) at a Jamaica bridal party trip. The bride (her friend) has no idea; the couple is now married with kids.
• Host’s Reaction: Amazed this secret lasted; joking about the deep meaning of "really good friends".

Notable Quote:

Bert (07:06): “Well, you were really, really good friends.”

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Beyond Vacation: Work Trip Hookups (07:10–07:51)

• Hosts’ Reflection: Davi and Bert shift to discuss how these secret encounters also happen at work conventions, not just formal vacations.
  • “I bet this also happens at work travel scenarios, like conventions and stuff.” (07:10)
• Davi mentions a story from a Tupperware convention where the same people hooked up annually.

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Notable Quotes & Highlights (with Timestamps)

• Kristen (02:23): “When you're out of town it doesn't count, is what he said.”
• Davi (02:43): “Numbers don't increase on vacation.”
• Bert (03:45): “Guys are making up—‘Oh my God, it was ridiculous, then her twin sister showed up!’”
• Kristen (04:45): “You rear-ended my car, rear-ended your girlfriend.”
• Kristen (05:54): “What happens on a futon stays on a futon. Nothing says sexy like a futon.”
• Bert (07:06): “Well, you were really, really good friends.”

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Memorable Moments

• The hosts’ ongoing jokes about futons and unsexy places for hookups.
• The blend of shock, empathy, and humor as each caller reveals their secret—reminding listeners that everyone has a story, and some will always remain buried (or, at least, unspoken).
• The realization that work trips can be every bit as rife with “vacation secrets” as spring break or Vegas.

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Important Segments – Quick Reference

• Intro & Setup of Topic: 01:24–02:50
• Debates on “Does it Really Stay?”: 02:51–04:00
• Chris’s Panama City Confession: 03:57–04:45
• First “Kelly” – College Roommate Hookup: 05:01–05:54
• Second “Kelly” – Bridal Party Bombshell: 06:22–07:10
• Work Trips & Conventions: 07:10–07:51

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Summary

This episode provides an entertaining and honest look at the dynamics of vacation (and work trip) hookups. Through stories from both the cast and callers, it explores why people keep these hookups secret, how friendships and relationships can be affected, and the unwritten group rules that dictate what gets shared—and what gets buried. With humor and candor, The Bert Show creates a space where even the most scandalous tales are met with laughter and empathy—not judgment.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Visit borhears.com the Fight for our future starts with belief in our nation and its promise in our future and its potential. Together, we answer America's call to win. We are Marines. We were made for this. The Birch Show. I have a question. We may get no phone calls on this because I think it might just be. This might just be a marketing campaign. It might be a marketing slogan.

[C]

All right?

[B]

But it could lead to good phone calls if we get them all. Remember, we have a voice disguiser. Remember, you don't have to use your real name.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But the topic is this. Has anything that's ever happened on vacation really stayed on vacation?

[C]

You got Vegas on your mind.

[B]

But I'm not just talking about Vegas. Like, I think we've talked about that before. Like, you know, what's going on in Vegas has, you know, stayed there. But, like, is there anything. Rock City, baby, that you have any place that you have traveled to, anywhere you have gone with your family, without your family, Spring break, whatever. I would say, as I would almost, let's say we might even have to take spring break out of it. Unless it's something that you never admitted to your friends, even your friends who are down there with you.

[D]

Well, what's funny is that can happen.

[B]

You think?

[C]

My high school spring break, there's a guy that actually, that was the way he hit on me. Somebody that we went to school with and I briefly dated. And I say in finger quotes because, you know, I've been this way for a long time. And he was trying to use the excuse, well, we're. We're out of town. And you realize that when you're out of town, it doesn't count is what he said.

[D]

That's what he said to you? Yeah.

[C]

And he thought that he was gonna be able to, you know, hit that because, you know, we were out of town, it wouldn't count. So it's almost like saying, you know, I know you're worried about any number or anything, but don't worry about it.

[D]

Numbers don't count.

[C]

Numbers don't increase on vacation.

[B]

That's totally good guy logic.

[C]

You know, it didn't work, but I did have somebody tell me that.

[D]

Unique guy logic. I wouldn't say good guy logic, but unique. Definite.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, I think. I think definitely groups of friends go on vacations or girls, weekends away, and everybody breaks off into, you know, their own little. Doing their own little thing.

[B]

Right.

[D]

And don't share everything with them, especially if they don't want it following them home.

[B]

So it's possible that you could be on spring break with girlfriends. You could pair off a nice weekend

[D]

trip or bachelorette party weekend or.

[B]

And you pair off with a girl or a guy. You guys do your thing. Or a girl, it's spring break. I mean, what happens, happens. Or, you know, it's vacation, so it's whole new world of discovery. And so you do whatever you want to do. Off in the corner fantasy, right. And then you come back to your big group of girlfriends. You don't even tell them that you just made out with a dude.

[D]

Yeah. Or you say less than what you really did.

[B]

Hey, Chris. Welcome to the bird show.

[E]

Hey, how are you?

[F]

Good.

[B]

See, that's the difference between girls and guys. Girls say the less of what they really did. Where guys are making up. Oh, my God, it was ridiculous. Then her twin sister showed up.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Hey, what's going on, Chris?

[E]

Not much, actually. When I went to Panama City two years ago with my friend, his girlfriend and a couple of her friends all went, and we were kind of hanging out, and I got pissed off at my friend because he was driving my car and ended up rear ending somebody. Wasn't bad. But then he was just kind of not the nicest Person for the rest of the trip. But one night, we all went out and got pretty drunk, and I ended up sleeping with his girlfriend in the bed next to him in a separate bed, but he was on the other side of the room, just passed out. And he has no clue at this point.

[C]

Is he still dating her?

[E]

As far as I know. He and I don't really talk after that. Just, I mean, we kind of, you know, split ways just because of the way it was and, you know, a whole bunch of stuff, but nothing ever came out of it. And I don't think she's ever said anything, so I think he would have called me on it.

[C]

You rear ended my car. Rear ended your girlfriend.

[B]

Thought about that, Melissa. But I didn't say it out loud, but I did.

[C]

You said it by proxy.

[B]

Hey, Kelly needs to be on the voice disguiser, and Kelly is not her real name. Hi, Kelly.

[F]

Hello.

[B]

How are you?

[F]

I'm good. How are y'? All?

[E]

Good.

[B]

You're on the voice disguiser.

[F]

Okay, great. I actually went every year during college on spring break with a whole group. We had a whole group of best friends. We would always go together. And this one year, we went and I hooked up on a futon with my guy roommate that I lived with in college for a couple years. We've been best friends since kindergarten. Our families were friends.

[D]

Oh, that'll always mess up a good friendship.

[F]

We actually are still friends, and to this day, I really don't think anybody else found out about it. I. I've never heard from anybody else talking about it. My best friend. Who? My girl best friend, her brother was in the room at the time, so I. I think that he was passed out drunk, though, so.

[D]

So nobody knows you when you. Neither one of you told anyone?

[F]

No. We made a pact. What stays on spring break is staying there.

[C]

What happens on a futon stays on a futon. Nothing says sexy, right, Futon.

[B]

Nothing says sexy than a couch that folds out to an uncomfortable bed with a really thin mattress. It's got a cigarette burn in it.

[C]

And then when you pull it back up, it takes three people to get that mattress back in the right position.

[B]

Hey, Kelly. What's going on? How are you? Do you need to be on the voice disguiser?

[F]

Yeah, please.

[B]

Okay, good.

[C]

You are.

[F]

Hello?

[B]

Yeah, go ahead. You're in the voice disguiser.

[F]

We went to Jamaica for a bridal party, and I hooked up with a groom. I was best friends with a groom, not with a bride. And we got a little drunk, and he was like, let's just do it one last time. I'm still single. And I was like, okay, you know, sure.

[B]

So we go and nobody knows about it.

[F]

Nobody knows about it in the couple.

[B]

And the couple is still together.

[F]

Yeah, they're still together. They have two kids.

[D]

Wow. And she has no idea?

[F]

No, she doesn't have no idea. She just thinks that we're, like, really good friends. Like.

[B]

Well, you were really, really good friends.

[D]

You know where I bet this also happens? It's not necessarily just like a spring break or like a wild vacation scenario, but. But a work travel scenario too.

[B]

Like conventions and stuff.

[C]

I think that might be to LA next week.

[B]

Hey, what's up, Melissa?

[D]

What's up? Does it count when it's on a work trip?

[B]

Didn't you have a Wendy's gonna barf over there?

[C]

I know.

[B]

Didn't you have a situation where, like, somebody in here knew someone who would go on a work trip and hook up with the same guy? It was like an annual convention. They would all meet in the same city, you know, for the big Tupperware convention. And. Yeah, they'd burp each other.

[D]

Yeah, it was my friend that was the Tupperware sales, the bird show.