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Birch Show Host
And you're on the Burt Show.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
So I recently had an SRI that would be a sex related injury.
Birch Show Host
This isn't the first.
Birch Show Co-host
Yeah, this is your second one that we know of.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
That you know of. I think the last one was some sort of knee injury or whatever.
Birch Show Host
Yes.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Well, I can't really get into it too far, but this one is gonna make y' all grab yourselves. Okay, are you ready for this one?
Birch Show Host
Don't do this.
Birch Show Co-host
Come on.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Are you ready for this one? Don't. I'm not gonna tell you because I'm married and nobody wants to hear about married people sex. I mean, it's just not hot, you know? If you' and talking about it, it's a different story than I think when you're married and talking about it. So I'm married. I've been married for three years. Over three years. We're doing fine in all that department. We're still really having a good time together. But nobody wants to hear about that.
Birch Show Host
Well, I want to play a round of Sri Poker then.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Birch Show Host
So you will dole out the firsthand of your sexually sex related interest.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Sri Sri.
Birch Show Host
And then others will have to call up and top this story. Okay, well, none of us have heard this story, so we don't even. We have no idea what our first hand of poker is going to be.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Ok, Okay. I won't tell you how it happened, but I had a nipple rip.
Birch Show Host
Oh.
Caller/Guest
No.
Birch Show Host
Oh, no. Those clams from Love Shack are.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
It had nothing to do with anything outside of passion. But I'm telling you, I didn't even notice it when it happened. Come on. I noticed it in the shower afterwards when the water was running down and it was stinging.
Birch Show Co-host
Not cool.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
It was tiny, but it was a.
Birch Show Co-host
On your nipple.
Stop saying nipple and rip in the same sentence.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
A nip rip.
Birch Show Host
All right, 404, 741, 1005. Who can beat nip rip?
Birch Show Co-host
Oh, God.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
It was pretty. It was pretty bad.
Birch Show Co-host
But if I ever got a bad.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Notice it when it actually happened.
Birch Show Co-host
Well, if I ever adopted a basset hound, I would name him Nip rip. That seems like a good name for a dog. Like a basset hound.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Birch Show Host
And you didn't even realize. Well, I guess everything's getting kind of like you're so focused on what's going on.
Birch Show Co-host
Hey, Ryan, is my nipple in there? I'm in the shower and I can't find.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Wasn't that bad. It was, you know, it was tiny. But I mean, that's a sensitive area. You know, I was just worried about other things like a paper cut, what's happening and whatever. But I told him I actually thought it was hot that we've been together for so long and we actually still.
Birch Show Co-host
Are, you know, injuring each other.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Injuring each other. And you know. You know.
Birch Show Host
Yeah, it's for a good cause.
Birch Show Co-host
That's great, you know, great story. Thanks for sharing.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
I told y' all you'd grab yourself.
Birch Show Co-host
Melissa hadn't let go these. These are important to Melissa hadn't let go of yours.
Weird.
Birch Show Host
I am going to try to name these before we actually put them on the air. When I see the. What exactly what it is.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Birch Show Host
Yours was the nip Rip.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Yep.
Birch Show Host
This is broke back penis. Oh, no. Hey, Scott. Good morning. You're on Q100 high.
Caller/Guest
Good morning, Bircho.
Birch Show Host
Hello, sir.
Caller/Guest
What happened?
Well, okay, this is. Well, I had a girlfriend at the time who was very aggressive, and she liked to be on top. Well, as she was getting more and more into it, she pulled up too high, but still slammed down. Oh.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Ow.
Caller/Guest
And my penis, from when I went to the hospital. It apparently happens more than one time a month or whatever. It broke about 2 inches from the base where it broke, bent, and then filled up with blood blister.
Birch Show Co-host
Okay.
Caller/Guest
All right.
Birch Show Host
We've got.
Sleep Number Advertiser
Got it.
Caller/Guest
We've got it. Would stay there for over six months still. Today, I have a bend in that same exact spot, and I'll never, ever heal because there's no way to fix it.
Birch Show Co-host
I'm grabbing something I don't even have.
Birch Show Host
Wow. So that can happen. I mean, like, you can break it in that situation.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
It's like. It's like if you break a finger and then the heel never heals properly.
Birch Show Co-host
Yes.
Caller/Guest
And it's bent. Stop talking.
And it's unknown. Causes problems if I'm in that same position again.
Birch Show Host
Really?
Birch Show Co-host
Sure. And you have to stand at a right angle to the toilet to use.
Hers Healthcare Advertiser
I just.
Caller/Guest
I just hold my hands up in front of my face.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Birch Show Host
I would think, like, the. The next time you were in that situation, you were a little bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, where you were just a little bit scared to drive the. You know, to fly the plane to get back in the cockpit.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, I keep my hands. I keep my hands on the thighs to keep it from going too high.
Birch Show Host
Oh, damn.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh, poor thing. Oh, I am sorry.
Birch Show Host
That will be a tough, tough hand to beat right there.
Birch Show Co-host
Poor thing. Literally.
Poor little thing.
Poor little thing.
Birch Show Host
All right, how about the necklace? Nose?
Caller/Guest
Hello.
Birch Show Host
Hey, Debbie.
Caller/Guest
Hi.
Birch Show Co-host
I'm curious. About what? The necklace.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
What is that?
Caller/Guest
Well, my husband wears a. His necklace has a buck deer head on it, and he was on top one day, and when he was, he raised up and the antler grab my nose and ripped my nose. Very painful. Very painful.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
I'm sorry to laugh, but that's okay.
Birch Show Co-host
That is great.
Birch Show Host
I need a bit. I need a better description of this chain.
Caller/Guest
Of the what?
Birch Show Host
Of the necklace.
Caller/Guest
It's just a deer head, and he's really into hunting, and it's a deer head with antlers.
Birch Show Host
So it's got all the antlers and.
Caller/Guest
The antlers grab my nose and ripped it.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Sure.
Birch Show Co-host
Who doesn't have a story like that?
Caller/Guest
Yeah. Really?
Birch Show Host
All right. Thank you. Appreciate it.
Birch Show Co-host
Jen Fallon has a better name for that one.
Birch Show Host
What's that?
Birch Show Co-host
She's going to call that one the Redneck Rip.
Birch Show Host
The Redneck Rip.
Birch Show Co-host
Ooh.
Birch Show Host
How about the canine cut? Hey, Steven. Good Morning. You're on Q100.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. Morning.
Birch Show Host
Morning.
Caller/Guest
I had my ex girlfriend's dog or sick holes in my upper thigh.
Birch Show Host
You're going to have to back up because your phone was going out on us.
Birch Show Co-host
Say that again.
Birch Show Host
Stephen. Her dog bit my thigh during sex.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh, no.
Birch Show Host
And I don't know what the rest of the story was, but I think that's good enough. Yeah, that's plenty.
Birch Show Co-host
Because the dog thought she was in danger.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
I don't know if that goes with the broke back, though.
Birch Show Host
Broke back penis.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
I mean, I think.
Birch Show Co-host
Well. And the nip rip is still pretty. Damn.
Birch Show Host
There you are like looking on the floor like you lost the contact lens.
Birch Show Co-host
It was just a little tear feeling in the carpet.
You got a band aid on there?
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
I did for like two days.
Birch Show Co-host
Little Neosporin.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
What was that?
Birch Show Co-host
What was that stuff? That was like. It looked orange on your skin.
Iodine.
Is that what you had as you poured it?
You poured it over it?
Birch Show Host
You're bringing sexy back.
Birch Show Co-host
Got an orange boob, Eddie.
Birch Show Host
We just have to be really careful about the. The actually describing the act, but go ahead.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Caller/Guest
My wife, she was really into doing it in the shower. So we're in the shower having a good time, but I wasn't quite finished and she said, ah, I've had enough. So she takes a wet towel and throws it onto my part. And the weight of the wet towel tore some muscles down there and put me out of action for about six months. And to make matters worse, we couldn't wait six months. We were kind of newlyweds and after about five months and a week, we did it again and made it even. You have to wait another six months.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh, no.
Birch Show Host
So you had sex twice in a year as a newlywed?
Caller/Guest
Yeah, that's my ex wife.
Birch Show Host
Because of the towel hangs, no doubt. Thanks for calling, man.
Caller/Guest
Absolutely.
Birch Show Host
See you. 9:29 now.
Birch Show Co-host
Jen, I hope your boob gets better.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
It is better.
Birch Show Host
The calls are still coming in. We could do this again.
Birch Show Co-host
We should, uh.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh, are they getting worse? The rounds of SRI Poker?
Birch Show Host
Yeah. And I'm making the determination, if it's like legal for us to actually talk about some of them. Let's line them up. Let me play a song and we'll line them up.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Birch Show Host
And we'll have a better idea which ones we can actually go on the air with. All right, so our SRI Poker started with Jen hobby.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Yep. I had a nip rip.
Birch Show Host
We had brokeback penis. Who was underneath. And bent back. And bent back. Yeah. And broke it. Literally broke it.
Birch Show Co-host
And there's still a little bend in it to this day.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
And there was the nose.
Birch Show Co-host
The old oak tree branch.
Birch Show Host
Yeah. Then there was the necklace of the deer that went up the woman's nose.
Birch Show Co-host
And ripped her nose. Husband headed deer head.
Birch Show Host
Yeah.
Birch Show Co-host
Medallion. And the antler. Ripped her nose one time.
Birch Show Host
Oh, no. We're just gonna go right here. Oh, no.
Birch Show Co-host
Oh, no.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh, you can't wait.
Birch Show Host
No, I don't need to wait on this one.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay.
Birch Show Host
I could just tell you that Aunt Jemima got a little too hot.
Birch Show Co-host
Oh, no.
Birch Show Host
Hey, Jamie. Yes, Good morning.
Caller/Guest
My story is my husband used to work night shifts, and I thought I'd be sexy one night and wait up on him naked, and ended up falling asleep on our chair in the living room. And he saw me naked. So he thought he'd be cute and romantic and go into the kitchen. He grabbed the Hershey's syrup out of the refrigerator and thought he'd warm it up a little bit in the microwave. And apparently he got a little too hot, and he came and stood above me, and I was still asleep, and he drizzled it on me, and instead of a drizzle, it came out into a big gush and burnt my whole stomach.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
That is such a guy move.
Birch Show Host
That is, man.
Birch Show Co-host
Idiots.
Birch Show Host
Oh, she's gonna love this. Oh, she is gonna love this.
Caller/Guest
It came out like water, apparently. And it was. It burnt the mess out of me. I was like a cat to the ceiling.
Birch Show Host
Please don't tell me it left a scar.
Caller/Guest
No, it was red for a couple days, but no, it did not leave a scar. I kind of roughed it up a little bit. Like a bad sunburn.
Birch Show Host
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
But no, no scar. Thank God.
Birch Show Host
Thank you for sharing it. This may be our end call right here. Hey, Sean. Good morning.
Caller/Guest
Hey, good morning. How are you?
Birch Show Host
Good. Man. SRI poker. What do you have?
Caller/Guest
I'll try to be as nice as I can be about it. I had a tongue ring a couple years back, and the girlfriend that I was with, she had one, let's just say around her, cash and prizes. And long story short, the barbell of mine into hers.
Birch Show Co-host
Yeah, it's like it became one of those old iron bar games.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. Right. So, you know, she's going, oh, oh. And I'm going, ah, ah. I had to, you know, remove it Right there. So, needless to say, the. The mood was killed severely.
Birch Show Host
So the two of you guys, you were stuck together in that position?
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
Just for a few minutes.
Birch Show Co-host
The adult version of your braces getting clamped together.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, exactly. Thank God we didn't have any metal detectors or anything around.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Oh.
Birch Show Co-host
But nothing. Everything stayed in delicately. Everything of hers stayed intact or. No. Okay, good.
Birch Show Host
Jeff, how did that sound when he was trying to tell her that he knew that. When he knew that there was a problem. I can't. I think we got a father.
Birch Show Co-host
And do it in a British accent.
Caller/Guest
Thank God her mother didn't come home.
Birch Show Host
I think I have a Harlem. You what? Yeah, yeah, do that.
Birch Show Co-host
Oh, whatever you're doing, keep on saying that.
Birch Show Host
All right. Just as I thought. That was going to be the last one. This. This one, I think, is going to be our closer. Stephanie, your sr.
Caller/Guest
I'm laughing. So I don't know if I can tell you.
Birch Show Host
Oh, God.
Caller/Guest
Several years ago. Good morning, by the way. My boyfriend and I were going after pretty hard, and I was on top. And he literally climaxed so hard that he threw me off and I landed backwards, neck first on the windowsill.
Birch Show Co-host
Oh, God, no.
Caller/Guest
Broke my neck.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
You are kidding.
Caller/Guest
No. I spent six months in a halo. I have no permanent damage, but I had to walk around in a halo for six months, you guys.
Hers Healthcare Advertiser
No.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
You had to tell everybody how it happened.
Caller/Guest
I did.
Birch Show Host
Did you make up a story?
Caller/Guest
I couldn't lie about it. They would have thought that he'd, you know, beaten me.
Birch Show Host
You must have made up a story to selective people.
Caller/Guest
No.
Birch Show Co-host
What did you tell mom and Dad?
Caller/Guest
I told him what happened.
Birch Show Host
So he throws you off of him, and just the way you land on the windowsill hits you right at the neck and breaks your neck, Right?
Caller/Guest
I shattered two vertebrae.
Birch Show Host
Good God.
Birch Show Co-host
Are you still dating him? No, of course not.
Birch Show Host
He was very, very remorseful. But I will tell you right now that when you were there, was a small part of him going, yeah, yeah, I broke that.
Birch Show Co-host
He bragged about that.
Birch Show Host
That's the result of my work.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
At least have an O. O. Did you at least get the big O?
Caller/Guest
Oh, yeah.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Okay. All right. Thank goodness.
Caller/Guest
Absolutely.
Birch Show Co-host (possibly 'Birch')
Without that.
Birch Show Host
Thank you for calling. Appreciate it.
Caller/Guest
Thanks, guys.
Birch Show Host
I think that's our full house, right? You're on the Birch Show.
T-Mobile Advertiser
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Sleep Number Advertiser
Why choose a Sleep Number Smart Bed.
Caller/Guest
Can I make my sight softer?
Birch Show Co-host
Can I make my sight firmer?
T-Mobile Advertiser
Can we sleep cooler?
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Date: November 17, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast
In this lively and unfiltered episode, The Bert Show team and their listeners share their most memorable and cringe-worthy Sex Related Injuries (SRI). With their trademark authenticity and humor, the cast launches a round of “SRI Poker,” encouraging both themselves and the audience to one-up each other's stories of sexual mishaps gone awry. Expect lots of laughter, vivid storytelling, and no shortage of “why did you tell me that?!” reactions.
Throughout, the episode is marked by uproarious laughter, candid confessions, and supportive but slightly horrified camaraderie between both the Bert Show team and listeners. The crew maintains the boundary of good taste by occasionally omitting explicit act descriptions but relishes the absurdity and “why are we doing this?” humor of the stories.
On SRI Poker:
On “Nip Rip”:
On “Brokeback Penis”:
On Dog Bites:
On Romantic Mishaps:
On the Neck-Breaking Orgasm:
This episode is a rollercoaster of empathy, laughter, and involuntary full-body winces. The Bert Show’s ability to turn mortifying circumstances into shared, relatable moments of humor and connection shines, letting listeners feel a little less alone about life’s most awkward injuries. As the callers one-up each other's wild stories, the theme is clear: you haven’t lived until you’ve got an SRI to tell—just hopefully not as dramatic as these!