The Bert Show “Vault”: The Worst Sex Related Injuries
Date: November 17, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast
Episode Overview
In this lively and unfiltered episode, The Bert Show team and their listeners share their most memorable and cringe-worthy Sex Related Injuries (SRI). With their trademark authenticity and humor, the cast launches a round of “SRI Poker,” encouraging both themselves and the audience to one-up each other's stories of sexual mishaps gone awry. Expect lots of laughter, vivid storytelling, and no shortage of “why did you tell me that?!” reactions.
Key Discussion Points & Segment Highlights
1. Introducing SRI Poker
- [01:32] The cast jumps straight into the topic, skipping any hesitation:
- A co-host admits to a recent sex related injury, described as an “SRI.”
- Discussion about the unglamorous reality of “married people sex” and a refusal at first to give full details—building anticipation.
Notable Quote
- “Are you ready for this one? I’m not gonna tell you because I’m married and nobody wants to hear about married people sex. I mean, it's just not hot, you know?” – Co-host [01:57]
2. First Hand: “Nip Rip”
- [02:36] The co-host finally confesses: a small but painful nipple injury sustained during passionate sex, only noticed afterward in the shower.
- The group reacts with horror and laughter at the phrase “nip rip.”
- They joke about naming a basset hound “Nip Rip.”
Notable Quote
- “I had a nipple rip.” – Co-host [02:36]
- “Stop saying nipple and rip in the same sentence.” – Co-host [03:08]
3. Listeners Join: The SRI “Hands”
a. Brokeback Penis
- [04:21] Caller Scott recounts a harrowing experience where his girlfriend, during vigorous intercourse, accidentally caused his penis to bend and “break.”
- Required a hospital visit, resulted in permanent “bend” and repeated pain.
- The cast is visibly rattled by the story.
Notable Exchange
- “She pulled up too high, but still slammed down…” — Scott [04:33]
- “I am grabbing something I don’t even have.” – Co-host [05:18]
b. Redneck Rip (Necklace Nose Injury)
- [06:14] Caller Debbie describes how her husband’s buck deer head necklace hooked her nose mid-coitus, tearing the skin.
- The crew jokes about “the Redneck Rip” as a new SRI name.
Notable Quote
- “My husband wears a… necklace has a buck deer head on it... he was on top one day... the antler grabbed my nose and ripped my nose. Very painful. Very painful.” – Debbie [06:23]
c. Canine Cut (Dog Bite)
- [07:15] Caller Steven reveals that his ex-girlfriend’s dog bit his thigh during sex, likely misinterpreting “danger.”
- Cast debates which is worse: “broke back penis” or “canine cut.”
Memorable Moment
- “Her dog bit my thigh during sex.” – Steven [07:33]
4. Rapid-Fire Injuries and More Callers
a. Towel Trauma
- [08:26] A caller shares his experience of a wet towel being forcefully tossed at his genitals in the shower, resulting in torn muscles and a long recovery time.
- Led to nearly a year of abstinence during his newlywed phase.
Notable Quote
- “She takes a wet towel and throws it onto my part… tore some muscles down there and put me out of action for about six months.” – Caller [08:26]
b. “Aunt Jemima Got a Little Too Hot”
- [10:14] Jamie tells how her husband decided to heat chocolate syrup in the microwave for a romantic surprise, but it burned her stomach badly due to overheating.
- She describes jumping “like a cat to the ceiling.”
Notable Quote
- “He grabbed the Hershey’s syrup... thought he’d warm it up a little bit... it burnt my whole stomach.” – Jamie [10:23]
c. The Piercing Lock
- [11:21] Sean calls in with a mortifying account of his tongue ring becoming locked together with his girlfriend’s piercing during oral sex—necessitating a delicate extraction.
- The cast likens the event to “adult braces getting clamped together.”
Notable Quote
- “The barbell of mine into hers.” – Sean [11:26]
- “It’s like it became one of those old iron bar games.” – Co-host [11:44]
d. Broken Neck from Orgasm
- [13:19] Stephanie closes out with a story about being thrown backward—literally—by her partner’s intense climax, resulting in a broken neck and six months in a medical halo.
- She shares both the pain and awkwardness of having to tell everyone how it happened.
Notable Exchange
- “He literally climaxed so hard that he threw me off and I landed backwards, neck first on the windowsill... Broke my neck.” – Stephanie [13:27/13:46]
- “Did you at least get the big O?” – Co-host [14:41]
- “Oh, yeah.” – Stephanie [14:46]
The Tone:
Throughout, the episode is marked by uproarious laughter, candid confessions, and supportive but slightly horrified camaraderie between both the Bert Show team and listeners. The crew maintains the boundary of good taste by occasionally omitting explicit act descriptions but relishes the absurdity and “why are we doing this?” humor of the stories.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On SRI Poker:
- “So you will dole out the first hand of your… sex related injury.” – Host [02:20]
-
On “Nip Rip”:
- “If I ever adopted a basset hound, I would name him Nip Rip.” – Co-host [03:22]
-
On “Brokeback Penis”:
- “And my penis… broke. Bent, and then filled up with blood blister.” – Scott [04:47]
- “I would think… the next time you were in that situation, you were a little bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. You know, scared to drive the… to fly the plane.” – Host [05:45]
-
On Dog Bites:
- “Her dog bit my thigh during sex.” – Steven [07:33]
- “Because the dog thought she was in danger!” – Co-host [07:44]
-
On Romantic Mishaps:
- “He thought he’d be cute and romantic… grabbed Hershey’s syrup… burnt my whole stomach.” – Jamie [10:23]
-
On the Neck-Breaking Orgasm:
- “So he throws you off of him, and just the way you land on the windowsill hits you right at the neck and breaks your neck, right?” – Host [14:18]
- “I shattered two vertebrae.” – Stephanie [14:24]
- “Are you still dating him? No, of course not.” – Co-host [14:29]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 01:32 – SRI Poker Introduction
- 02:36 – “Nip Rip” story
- 04:21 – “Brokeback Penis” from caller Scott
- 06:14 – Debbie’s necklace injury (“Redneck Rip”)
- 07:15 – “Canine Cut” dog bite story from Steven
- 08:26 – Towel Trauma in the shower
- 10:14 – Chocolate syrup burn story (“Aunt Jemima Got a Little Too Hot”)
- 11:21 – “Tongue ring lock-up” story from Sean
- 13:19 – Stephanie’s broken neck from orgasm
Final Thoughts & Show Vibe
This episode is a rollercoaster of empathy, laughter, and involuntary full-body winces. The Bert Show’s ability to turn mortifying circumstances into shared, relatable moments of humor and connection shines, letting listeners feel a little less alone about life’s most awkward injuries. As the callers one-up each other's wild stories, the theme is clear: you haven’t lived until you’ve got an SRI to tell—just hopefully not as dramatic as these!