Vault: Their entire relationship is based on a lie!

Summary

Episode Overview

Episode Title: Vault: Their entire relationship is based on a lie!
Podcast: The Bert Show
Date: May 11, 2026

This episode centers on a gripping listener drama in which Paula, a caller to the show, reveals that her entire year-and-a-half-long relationship is built on a foundational lie. As Paula anxiously considers an upcoming marriage proposal, she confronts the consequences of a falsehood that began before her first date—and with which she inadvertently colluded. The Bert Show cast breaks down the ethical, emotional, and practical implications, offering advice and banter along the way.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Setting Up the Drama (01:15 – 02:18)

• Bert Show hosts banter before taking Paula's call, adding their signature humor and authenticity.
• Paula is brought in on the “voice disguiser” for anonymity.

2. Paula’s Revelation: The Foundational Lie (02:20 – 05:04)

• Paula has been in a relationship for 1.5 years and suspects a holiday proposal is coming.
• She confesses: their relationship began with a lie—her boyfriend believes they shared a traumatic, parallel romantic past (being cheated on by a fiancé), a story concocted by a well-meaning mutual friend to create a sense of kinship.
  • “He kind of entered into dating me, you know, thinking that we had this thing in common that we did not have in common.” – Paula [04:38]
• Paula didn’t initiate the lie but passively went along with it, especially in early conversations.

3. Digging Deeper: The Extent of the Lie (05:04 – 07:00)

• The hosts ask whether Paula had in-depth conversations about her (nonexistent) history of being cheated on.
• Paula admits that at the start, she engaged in such conversations, often trying to sidestep or minimize details.
  • “I tried to always kind of steer the conversation a little bit away from that... Any more than I had to just keep things going.” – Paula [05:33]
• The topic faded over time but resurfaced recently during a visit to her boyfriend’s hometown with his old friends.

4. The Lie Comes Back (07:00 – 07:48)

• At a bar, her boyfriend passionately recounts to friends how their shared heartbreak brought them together—a narrative Paula had forgotten but which is central to his view of their bond.
  • “He went into this long story about how, you know, we were so perfect, it was so meant to be because we both just lost our fiancés and... had the exact same experience...” – Paula [06:13]
• Paula now realizes the importance her boyfriend places on this (fictional) similarity and panics.

5. The Hosts React: Advice, Jokes, and Ethical Dilemma (07:48 – 09:03)

• “It’s the lie of destiny, the lie that brought them together.” – Host [07:00]
• The hosts explore implications if this lie is discovered in the future—especially during deeper family interactions or after an engagement.
  • “If you guys actually go through with it and get married, he’s going to meet your family, and it's going to come up with one of your family members...” – Host [07:14]
• Some hosts suggest coming clean directly to the boyfriend; others joke about pinning it all on the well-meaning friend who started the deception.
  • “Get your friend to tell her.” – Host [08:18]
  • “Blame your friend.” – Host [08:19]
  • “Well, it’s her fault. She started it.” – Host [08:20]

6. Emotional Impact and Summation (08:33 – 09:03)

• Bert recaps Paula’s predicament: a lie that snowballed from a single matchmaking fib to the foundation of a relationship now heading toward marriage.
• The hosts throw it to the audience for advice calls, highlighting the show's interactive and supportive community ethos.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “The entire relationship based on a little lie.” – Host, sarcastically [03:11]
• “I just didn't realize... that he felt that was such a strong thing drawing us together.” – Paula [06:41]
• “My gut instinct says to come clean with him, and I think he's gonna be a little bit upset... but I don't think it's a breakup-able offense.” – Host [07:48]
• Humor about potential future awkwardness:
  • “Yeah, I know she was engaged before, but I'm gonna make it right this time. And your family's gonna be like, 'What, she was engaged to who?'” – Host [07:24]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:15] – Preparation to take Paula’s call
• [02:18] – Paula shares her problem
• [04:38] – Paula explains the lie’s origin
• [05:20] – Hosts press for details on the ongoing deception
• [06:13] – Paula recounts the boyfriend’s retelling of their “shared experience”
• [07:14] – Discussions of the risk of discovery by family or friends
• [08:00] – Debate about whether this is a break-up-able offense and the ethics of the situation

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Tone & Style

Throughout the episode, the cast mixes empathy, curiosity, and irreverent humor, reflecting the Bert Show’s hallmark blend of real talk and relatability. The discussion is honest and dynamic, providing listeners with both entertainment and genuine reflection on relationship ethics.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show plunges into the murky waters of white lies, relationship origins, and the long-term consequences of concealed truths. By sharing Paula’s story and inviting listener participation, the team presents a memorable take on a real-world dilemma—with their trademark wit and warmth.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

the first show. All right, Jeff, I see somebody on. Hold on five. I just don't know if we need to fire up the voices.

[C]

I'm assuming that's her. I got weirded out because I went to get her phone number from Tracy and the door was closed. And that means she's pump, pump, stop, pump. I can't even go near the office

[D]

when that's happening because Tracy's still breastfeeding. So she's pumping.

[B]

She closes the door and all the blinds are closed so you can't see in, obviously.

[D]

Yeah, that means that she's sucking the

[E]

milk out of breath. Stop. She's breastfeeding in the office?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

It's like, what?

[F]

Nothing.

[B]

I'm trying to instant messenger right now.

[D]

Tracy's milk is coming out.

[B]

Do you want to pick up 5?

[C]

I'll just ask her.

[D]

She's milking herself.

[C]

Is that the name of her elf? Milk yourself.

[F]

Milk yourself, elf. Milk your elf.

[B]

I thought she was in there pumping the other day, and then I heard Jeff's voice, and I'm like, wow, they have really gotten close.

[F]

She has a specific Snuggie for that. When Jeff and her have to have

[D]

a meeting and she has to come.

[C]

Will you stop putting me in that world?

[D]

Breastfeeding Snuggie with the slap. Oh, my God, they're gonna so do that.

[E]

That's a brilliant idea.

[F]

Liking that. Okay, I'll call Snuggie today.

[B]

Good morning, Paula. You're on the voice disguiser.

[G]

Oh, good. Hi. Good morning.

[E]

Hi, Paula.

[B]

How are you today?

[G]

I have a problem. So I could be better.

[B]

Well, the floor is yours. Go for it.

[G]

I'm in a relationship that's going very well. We've been together for about a year and a half, and I have a strong feeling that there is a proposal coming up during the holidays. I've had a few hints which I would absolutely love. I mean, this guy is the love of my life, and I want to marry him. So that's all great. The problem is the entire relationship has been based on a little bit of a lie, which.

[D]

A little bit of a lie?

[C]

The entire relationship based on a little lie.

[E]

It's a little one.

[F]

The entire relationship.

[G]

I didn't realize that it was such a big deal until recently, but now I'm freaking out.

[B]

I can't wait to hear what this is, because there is a scenario that's playing in my mind where I can sort of understand it. First, start going out. You're not looking to the future. Why not just get through this? I'll lie a little bit. I'm not going to see this guy. But for three weeks,

[G]

What happened was.

[E]

What had happened was.

[G]

So before we got together, my boyfriend was. He was previously engaged to another woman, and she cheated on him, and she broke his heart. I mean, their wedding was entirely planned when he found out, and they had to call the wedding off just a month before the wedding. You know, they lost a lot of money. I mean, it was a big fiasco. And a mutual friend, you know, a friend of mine thought that I would be absolutely perfect for this guy and wanted to set us up. So she got this wacky idea in her head to sort of set us up by telling him that I was going through a similar situation as, like, a way to pique his interest in me. So basically, she. She said, you know, I. I know this girl. I think you two would really hit it off. You know, she. She went through something very similar. She was engaged. She was cheated on. You know, they broke up. So, you know, it. It wasn't me who told the lie. In my defense, a little bit, it wasn't me who told the lie to begin with. It was this friend. But he kind of entered into dating me, you know, thinking that we had this thing in common that we did not have in common.

[D]

Well, let me ask a question. Okay. It's one thing for him to have that perception. Did you all have intimate, deep conversations about the emotions that come from such turmoil? Like, did you have conversations about your being cheated on?

[G]

Yes. At the beginning of the relationship, when we were first getting to know each other, we did have those kinds of conversations.

[B]

So he's like, this hurts so bad. And you're like, oh, I know. I can't get over it either.

[E]

Oh, God.

[G]

I mean, I tried to always kind of steer the conversation a little bit, you know, away from that or, you know, try not to.

[D]

It's too painful.

[G]

Any more than I had to just keep things going.

[C]

I can't bear to drag up these made up memories.

[G]

And now, you know, it's a non issue. I mean, for the past year, we haven't talked about it. It hasn't come up. It's just really a thing of the past. So it's. It's not something that I even think about anymore. But then it sort of resurfaced recently. Oh, hell, I am nervous. We were visiting some old friends of his from high school. We went back to his hometown. He was introducing me to people he knew as, you know, a child. And we were at a bar one night with some old buddies of his, and they were asking about how we met. And he went into this long story about how, you know, we were so perfect, it was so meant to be because we both just lost our fiance and, you know, had been cheated on. And we both got the exact same experience and like, you know, like how significant that was to him. And I just. I just didn't realize, I guess, that he felt that that was like such a strong thing drawing us together, you know, Like I had sort of forgotten about it almost in this weird way. And I think that he's like, basing a lot of our whole relationship on that fact. And now I don't know what to do.

[B]

It's the lie of destiny, the lie that brought them together.

[C]

Wouldn't it be a lie of fate, though? Because it was a negative thing?

[B]

Well, we'll find out. If he breaks up with her, it's a lie of fate.

[C]

It's not the same timeline as duhamel. He's got 48 hours.

[F]

You can't keep it going, though, because if you guys actually go through with it and get married, he's going to meet your family and it's going to come up with one of your family members. Like, yeah, I know she was engaged before, but I'm going to make it right this time. And your family's going to be like,

[D]

what she was engaged to who?

[E]

We didn't know about that, didn't even think about that.

[G]

Oh, God. I know. I just. I mean, it just seems so, like, simple at the beginning and just like, there's not a big deal and it's not an issue that just would really, like, fade away. It did fade away until. Just until, you know, recently.

[B]

I don't. My gut instinct says to come clean with him, and I think he's gonna be a little bit upset by the whole thing, but it's certainly, you know, I don't think it's. It's a breakup. Able offense.

[D]

I thought the same thing until she. Until she just said what he said to his friends.

[E]

I say, get your girlfriend, whoever told this guy the lie. Get her to tell him.

[G]

No way.

[B]

No, because she had conversations with him about it. You need to stick to instant message convers.

[D]

Get your friend to tell her.

[F]

Blame your friend.

[E]

Well, it's her fault. She started it.

[D]

No, but she continued it.

[B]

We will take your calls. Your advice calls. 404-741. Q100 for Paula. So.

[E]

Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah. Her whole relationship is based on sort of this foundation of a lie. He gets broken up with by a girl who he's engaged to that cheated on him. And Paula's friend tells him that, oh, you know what? I've got a girlfriend that's going through the exact same thing. You should meet her. You got this in common. And it was a lie. And Paula kept the lie going through the months, and now they're a year and a half into the relationship, and it looks like they're about to get engaged. And she's not sure she should come clean with this guy or not. So what to do?

[C]

Get it.

[B]

The Birch Show.