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Burt
The First Show all right, I think we can cover a couple of different things here.
Liz
Okay.
Burt
I have put together for Josh for Tomorrow's show the nine best 911 calls of 2009.
Jeff
Like the ones that are about ridiculous stuff.
Burt
Totally ridiculous stuff. And I think there might be a late entry. Jeff and I couldn't figure out if we have played this one before.
Josh
No, it just. I think it just happened.
Burt
It's a brand new one.
Josh
Uh huh. It was a call in California from a woman who has some hungry kids in the car. So you can understand her need to take care of business quickly. But when the Burger King doesn't make the Bacon Western ranch properly, she seeks help from the authorities.
911 Operator
Sheriff's how can I help you?
Caller
Yeah, I'm over here at Burger King. Right here in San Clemente. No, not San Clemente. I'm sorry. I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel. I think that's where I'm at. I'm at a drive through right now. I had. I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside. And I understand they're busy. They're not even busy. Okay. I've been the only car here. I asked for four different times to make me a western barbecue burger. Okay? They keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I'm not leaving. I want a western burger because I just got my kids from taekwondo. They're hungry. I'm on my way home and I live in San Clemente.
911 Operator
Uh huh.
Caller
Okay. She said, she gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said four times. I said, I want it. She goes, can you go out and park in front? I said, no, I want my hamburger. Rice. So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is, she came up and she said, she said, do you want your money back? And I said, no, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry and I have to jump on that toll freeway. I said, I am not leaving this spot. And I said, I will call the police because I want my western burger done right now. Is that so hard?
911 Operator
Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?
Caller
I send officers down here, I want them to make me.
911 Operator
Ma', am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger.
Caller
What am I supposed to do?
911 Operator
This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal.
Caller
So I just stand here? So I just sit here.
911 Operator
You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.
Caller
He did come up and I said, can I please have my Wexin burger? She said, I'm not dealing with. She walked away because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of suds and they don't want to run, they don't want to go through there.
Jeff
Out of 10, ma', am.
911 Operator
Then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.
Caller
Well, that is that. You're supposed to be Here to protect me.
Jeff
What are we protecting from?
911 Operator
A wrong cheeseburger?
Caller
No.
911 Operator
Is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.
Caller
Just come down here. I'm not leaving.
911 Operator
No, ma'. Am. I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back and go home acting
Caller
like an adult herself. I'm sitting here like, oh, I just want them to make my kids a western burger.
911 Operator
Now this is what I suggest. I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.
Caller
Okay?
911 Operator
Okay.
Liz (Caller)
Bye.
Caller
Bye.
Liz (Caller)
I love that.
Burt
That's my favorite.
Josh
What are we protecting you from? A wrongly made hamburger.
Burt
That is the most patient 911 worker in the history of 911.
Jeff
I love that. She shot it to her straight, though.
Burt
Yeah, I love that.
Liz
I think so many people though. 911. Is that because we had a friend that I guess it was yesterday or Saturday that Roswell Road was shut down in both directions because the power lines down. So we had a friend that was in that traffic and had called to say, do you know what happened? So, because the reports had not come out yet that Roswell Road was shut down in both directions and the words that came out of her mouth were, well, you know what? I'm going to call 911. And I was like, no, for what?
Burt
Just to get like a traffic report on why, yes.
Liz
And I was like, well, first of all, please don't let one of my friends be one of these 911 calls at Burke, you know, we end up
Josh
playing it in a wee. Can you tell me why the road's closed?
Liz
But it's one of those things, I think people automatically when they're frustrated and they have nowhere else to go. It seems like 911 in their head is where they want, you know, to call.
Josh
I've called 911 a couple times, and every time I do call it, I question while I'm dialing it, I hope this is worthy. You know what I mean? Like, I've called it before. I've seen a car swerving like mad ones driving home late at night. And I'm like, I saw a guy
Jeff
falling asleep at the wheel when I was driving home from Florida. Like, literally, you could tell he was leaned over and trying to do the 10 and 2 and like lean his
Josh
head forward, try the air conditioner on and the window down.
Jeff
But he was in the left hand, you know, the far left lane and was going so slow. I'm like, what is up with this guy? Or whatever. People were going around him going around. And when I was on the side of him, I was like, oh, my God, that dude is falling asleep. And I had the thought, do I call 91 1? Do I? What do I.
Burt
You know, I've never had to call 911 except when we were on this show. Remember when we called 911 and we got around on hold from one thing to the other and it made the news and all that. That's the only time I've ever had to dial that number.
Josh
Y' all hear about what happened at the Zesto?
Liz
No. Oh, nothing bad happens at the Zesto.
Josh
Right there is the most Southern thing I have ever said in my life.
Caller
Y' all hear whatever y' all would hear.
Josh
What happened up at the Zesto?
Jeff
The Zesto in Little Five.
Josh
In Little Five, huh? Moreland. Yeah. So dudes rob the place, jump over the counter with guns, run in the back, they're robbing it, Right? And three people witnessed the robbery. So three people call 911. Three people get placed on hold.
Liz
No.
Josh
And are on hold the entire time the robbery is taking place.
Jeff
No.
Josh
Yes. It happened Saturday night. WSB had the video of this thing, and they interviewed the employees. And the employees were like. We saw. People were like, oh, this we're going to be okay. Like, because I call 911 3, get away with it. 3. Yeah. The guys are. Dudes are gone. Rob went in the back, kicked in the office door, took all the cash or whatever they took and gone.
Burt
Hey, Liz. Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.
Liz (Caller)
Good morning, Burt Show. First of all, I want to say I love you guys. And I've been out of town, so I've been missing you guys.
Burt
Glad you're here.
911 Operator
Welcome home. Thank you.
Liz (Caller)
I'm glad to be home. Okay, now listen, I've been telling my husband about this 911 phone call, and I hope that maybe one of y' all can remember this one, okay? But it's a man. He's calling. Instead of saying ambulance, he says, let me see if I can get it right. Oh, yes, I need a Bamba Lands. Do you remember that? I don't even know what the storyline was, but instead of saying ambulance, he says, bamba Lands.
Jeff
I do remember that, but I can't remember the context of the call.
Liz (Caller)
Guys, if you can remember, vert put it on there because I want my husband to hear it. I mean, every time that I tell him about it, we both just crack.
Burt
I'm looking through all the 911 calls that I have in the computer here and there are so many. I have it here, McNuggets. We got emergency beer.
Liz (Caller)
I didn't even think it was that like a big emergency.
Burt
It may come up tomorrow because we're playing like nine of them tomorrow. There's a 911 Viagra call that we're probably gonna play tomorrow. You guys remember that one? And there's a whole bunch of them. So it may just come back up tomorrow.
Liz (Caller)
So what time y' all playing it?
Burt
I don't know. You're assuming. We've got a schedule.
Liz (Caller)
Back to good old Bird show.
Burt
Ye
Liz (Caller)
love you guys.
Burt
Thank you.
911 Operator
Bye.
Josh
Get it.
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This episode of The Bert Show dives into the lighter, more bizarre side of emergency services with a compilation of “unhinged” and hilarious 911 calls. The cast – Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jeff, Josh, and Liz – reflect on why people call 911 for non-emergencies, share their own experiences, and play a now-viral call about a woman demanding police intervention over a wrongly made fast-food order. Listeners are invited to reminisce and laugh at some of the most memorable misuses of emergency services.
(01:54 – 04:39)
(04:52 – 06:15)
(06:15 – 07:23)
(07:23 – 08:42)
| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:30 | Show begins, introduce 911 calls theme | | 01:54 | Playback: “Western BBQ Burger” 911 call | | 04:39 | Cast reaction to the burger call | | 04:52 | Why do people call 911 for non-emergencies? | | 06:28 | Zesto’s robbery story & 911 on-hold fail | | 07:23 | Listener Liz recalls “bamba-lance” viral call | | 08:08 | Bert previews more wild 911 calls for future episodes |
This episode offers a hilarious look at the all-too-common phenomenon of using 911 as a customer service line—highlighted by a now-legendary Burger King call. The Bert Show crew keeps things lively by sharing personal stories, news headlines, and listener favorites, all while reminding us: 911 is for real emergencies—don’t be “that” caller. Tune in next time for more of the wildest calls ever made to America’s emergency lines.