Vault: These 911 calls are unhinged!

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: These 911 calls are unhinged!

Release Date: May 27, 2026

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the lighter, more bizarre side of emergency services with a compilation of “unhinged” and hilarious 911 calls. The cast – Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jeff, Josh, and Liz – reflect on why people call 911 for non-emergencies, share their own experiences, and play a now-viral call about a woman demanding police intervention over a wrongly made fast-food order. Listeners are invited to reminisce and laugh at some of the most memorable misuses of emergency services.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

The Infamous Burger King 911 Call

(01:54 – 04:39)

• Setup: Josh introduces a new, outrageous 911 call: a woman in California, at a Burger King, calls emergency services because her Western BBQ burger is repeatedly made incorrectly.
• Call Playback:
  • The caller, frustrated after multiple failed attempts to get her burger made right, demands police intervention.
  • The 911 operator patiently but firmly refuses, reiterating that this is not a criminal matter.
  • Memorable escalation as the woman insists her hungry kids need the right burger, while the operator maintains boundaries.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • 911 Operator: “Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger.” (03:20)
  • Caller: “Well, that is—that—you’re supposed to be here to protect me.” (04:05)
  • 911 Operator (deadpan): “A wrong cheeseburger?” (04:10)
  • 911 Operator: “You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back and go home.” (04:19)
• Cast Reactions:
  • Jeff: “What are we protecting from? A wrongly made hamburger.” (04:43)
  • Bert praises the 911 operator’s patience, calling her “the most patient 911 worker in the history of 911.” (04:46)
  • Liz: “I love that.” (04:41)

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Why Do People Call 911 for Non-Emergencies?

(04:52 – 06:15)

• Liz shares: Many people instinctively call 911 in frustration, even just for traffic information.
  • “I think people automatically, when they're frustrated and they have nowhere else to go...911 in their head is where they want to call.” (05:28)
• Josh & Jeff: Reflect on their own hesitations calling 911, only doing so for legitimate emergencies like observing dangerous drivers.
  • Josh: “Every time I do call, I question while I’m dialing...I hope this is worthy.” (05:35)
  • Jeff: Tells of seeing someone falling asleep at the wheel and wrestling with whether to call 911. (05:49)

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When 911 Itself Doesn’t Respond

(06:15 – 07:23)

• Josh shares a shocking news story:
  • Three witnesses of a robbery at Zesto’s in Atlanta called 911 but were placed on hold the entire time, and the robbers got away during the hold.
  • “Three people witnessed the robbery...three people get placed on hold...the entire time the robbery is taking place.” (06:57)
  • Cast expresses disbelief at such a critical service failing during an obvious emergency.

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Listeners Remember the Best Past 911 Calls

(07:23 – 08:42)

• Liz calls in: Wants the show to replay her favorite viral 911 call—where a man famously says, “I need a bamba-lance” instead of “ambulance.”
  • Liz: “Every time that I tell him about it, we both just crack.” (08:00)
• Bert responds: The team has a backlog of memorable calls—burgers, McNuggets, beer, even a 911 Viagra call. Hints that more unhinged calls will be played in upcoming episodes.
  • “I’m looking through all the 911 calls that I have in the computer here and there are so many.” (08:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On fast food emergencies:
  • Josh: “What are we protecting you from? A wrongly made hamburger.” (04:43)
  • 911 Operator: “We can’t go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.” (04:05)
• On 911 misuse:
  • Liz: “Please don’t let one of my friends be one of these 911 calls that Bert...ends up playing in a week.” (05:20)
• On 911 system failure:
  • Josh: “Three people witnessed the robbery...three people get placed on hold...the entire time the robbery is taking place.” (06:57)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:30 | Show begins, introduce 911 calls theme | | 01:54 | Playback: “Western BBQ Burger” 911 call | | 04:39 | Cast reaction to the burger call | | 04:52 | Why do people call 911 for non-emergencies? | | 06:28 | Zesto’s robbery story & 911 on-hold fail | | 07:23 | Listener Liz recalls “bamba-lance” viral call | | 08:08 | Bert previews more wild 911 calls for future episodes |

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Tone & Style

• Conversational, playful, and self-aware.
• The cast expresses genuine amusement at the absurdity, pairing big laughs with occasional exasperation.
• Lighthearted, even when discussing serious 911 failures, with Southern-flavored banter.

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Summary

This episode offers a hilarious look at the all-too-common phenomenon of using 911 as a customer service line—highlighted by a now-legendary Burger King call. The Bert Show crew keeps things lively by sharing personal stories, news headlines, and listener favorites, all while reminding us: 911 is for real emergencies—don’t be “that” caller. Tune in next time for more of the wildest calls ever made to America’s emergency lines.

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Transcript

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[Burt]

The First Show all right, I think we can cover a couple of different things here.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Burt]

I have put together for Josh for Tomorrow's show the nine best 911 calls of 2009.

[Jeff]

Like the ones that are about ridiculous stuff.

[Burt]

Totally ridiculous stuff. And I think there might be a late entry. Jeff and I couldn't figure out if we have played this one before.

[Josh]

No, it just. I think it just happened.

[Burt]

It's a brand new one.

[Josh]

Uh huh. It was a call in California from a woman who has some hungry kids in the car. So you can understand her need to take care of business quickly. But when the Burger King doesn't make the Bacon Western ranch properly, she seeks help from the authorities.

[911 Operator]

Sheriff's how can I help you?

[Caller]

Yeah, I'm over here at Burger King. Right here in San Clemente. No, not San Clemente. I'm sorry. I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel. I think that's where I'm at. I'm at a drive through right now. I had. I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside. And I understand they're busy. They're not even busy. Okay. I've been the only car here. I asked for four different times to make me a western barbecue burger. Okay? They keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I'm not leaving. I want a western burger because I just got my kids from taekwondo. They're hungry. I'm on my way home and I live in San Clemente.

[911 Operator]

Uh huh.

[Caller]

Okay. She said, she gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said four times. I said, I want it. She goes, can you go out and park in front? I said, no, I want my hamburger. Rice. So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is, she came up and she said, she said, do you want your money back? And I said, no, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry and I have to jump on that toll freeway. I said, I am not leaving this spot. And I said, I will call the police because I want my western burger done right now. Is that so hard?

[911 Operator]

Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

[Caller]

I send officers down here, I want them to make me.

[911 Operator]

Ma', am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger.

[Caller]

What am I supposed to do?

[911 Operator]

This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal.

[Caller]

So I just stand here? So I just sit here.

[911 Operator]

You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

[Caller]

He did come up and I said, can I please have my Wexin burger? She said, I'm not dealing with. She walked away because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of suds and they don't want to run, they don't want to go through there.

[Jeff]

Out of 10, ma', am.

[911 Operator]

Then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

[Caller]

Well, that is that. You're supposed to be Here to protect me.

[Jeff]

What are we protecting from?

[911 Operator]

A wrong cheeseburger?

[Caller]

No.

[911 Operator]

Is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.

[Caller]

Just come down here. I'm not leaving.

[911 Operator]

No, ma'. Am. I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back and go home acting

[Caller]

like an adult herself. I'm sitting here like, oh, I just want them to make my kids a western burger.

[911 Operator]

Now this is what I suggest. I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.

[Caller]

Okay?

[911 Operator]

Okay.

[Liz (Caller)]

Bye.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Liz (Caller)]

I love that.

[Burt]

That's my favorite.

[Josh]

What are we protecting you from? A wrongly made hamburger.

[Burt]

That is the most patient 911 worker in the history of 911.

[Jeff]

I love that. She shot it to her straight, though.

[Burt]

Yeah, I love that.

[Liz]

I think so many people though. 911. Is that because we had a friend that I guess it was yesterday or Saturday that Roswell Road was shut down in both directions because the power lines down. So we had a friend that was in that traffic and had called to say, do you know what happened? So, because the reports had not come out yet that Roswell Road was shut down in both directions and the words that came out of her mouth were, well, you know what? I'm going to call 911. And I was like, no, for what?

[Burt]

Just to get like a traffic report on why, yes.

[Liz]

And I was like, well, first of all, please don't let one of my friends be one of these 911 calls at Burke, you know, we end up

[Josh]

playing it in a wee. Can you tell me why the road's closed?

[Liz]

But it's one of those things, I think people automatically when they're frustrated and they have nowhere else to go. It seems like 911 in their head is where they want, you know, to call.

[Josh]

I've called 911 a couple times, and every time I do call it, I question while I'm dialing it, I hope this is worthy. You know what I mean? Like, I've called it before. I've seen a car swerving like mad ones driving home late at night. And I'm like, I saw a guy

[Jeff]

falling asleep at the wheel when I was driving home from Florida. Like, literally, you could tell he was leaned over and trying to do the 10 and 2 and like lean his

[Josh]

head forward, try the air conditioner on and the window down.

[Jeff]

But he was in the left hand, you know, the far left lane and was going so slow. I'm like, what is up with this guy? Or whatever. People were going around him going around. And when I was on the side of him, I was like, oh, my God, that dude is falling asleep. And I had the thought, do I call 91 1? Do I? What do I.

[Burt]

You know, I've never had to call 911 except when we were on this show. Remember when we called 911 and we got around on hold from one thing to the other and it made the news and all that. That's the only time I've ever had to dial that number.

[Josh]

Y' all hear about what happened at the Zesto?

[Liz]

No. Oh, nothing bad happens at the Zesto.

[Josh]

Right there is the most Southern thing I have ever said in my life.

[Caller]

Y' all hear whatever y' all would hear.

[Josh]

What happened up at the Zesto?

[Jeff]

The Zesto in Little Five.

[Josh]

In Little Five, huh? Moreland. Yeah. So dudes rob the place, jump over the counter with guns, run in the back, they're robbing it, Right? And three people witnessed the robbery. So three people call 911. Three people get placed on hold.

[Liz]

No.

[Josh]

And are on hold the entire time the robbery is taking place.

[Jeff]

No.

[Josh]

Yes. It happened Saturday night. WSB had the video of this thing, and they interviewed the employees. And the employees were like. We saw. People were like, oh, this we're going to be okay. Like, because I call 911 3, get away with it. 3. Yeah. The guys are. Dudes are gone. Rob went in the back, kicked in the office door, took all the cash or whatever they took and gone.

[Burt]

Hey, Liz. Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[Liz (Caller)]

Good morning, Burt Show. First of all, I want to say I love you guys. And I've been out of town, so I've been missing you guys.

[Burt]

Glad you're here.

[911 Operator]

Welcome home. Thank you.

[Liz (Caller)]

I'm glad to be home. Okay, now listen, I've been telling my husband about this 911 phone call, and I hope that maybe one of y' all can remember this one, okay? But it's a man. He's calling. Instead of saying ambulance, he says, let me see if I can get it right. Oh, yes, I need a Bamba Lands. Do you remember that? I don't even know what the storyline was, but instead of saying ambulance, he says, bamba Lands.

[Jeff]

I do remember that, but I can't remember the context of the call.

[Liz (Caller)]

Guys, if you can remember, vert put it on there because I want my husband to hear it. I mean, every time that I tell him about it, we both just crack.

[Burt]

I'm looking through all the 911 calls that I have in the computer here and there are so many. I have it here, McNuggets. We got emergency beer.

[Liz (Caller)]

I didn't even think it was that like a big emergency.

[Burt]

It may come up tomorrow because we're playing like nine of them tomorrow. There's a 911 Viagra call that we're probably gonna play tomorrow. You guys remember that one? And there's a whole bunch of them. So it may just come back up tomorrow.

[Liz (Caller)]

So what time y' all playing it?

[Burt]

I don't know. You're assuming. We've got a schedule.

[Liz (Caller)]

Back to good old Bird show.

[Burt]

Ye

[Liz (Caller)]

love you guys.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[911 Operator]

Bye.

[Josh]

Get it.

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