The Bert Show Episode: Vault: These Are Some Extreme Cases Of Germophobes Date: January 30, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the world of germophobia, exploring the extreme (and often hilarious) measures some people take to avoid germs. The Bert Show cast — with Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers — share personal stories, discuss societal trends in hygiene, and joke about the anxiety surrounding daily germs in public spaces. The episode balances laugh-out-loud observations with genuine advice, all through the crew’s authentic, relatable lens.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Public Restrooms and the Rise of Touch-Free Solutions

• The hosts discuss increased public concern about cleanliness and how technology is rapidly making bathrooms hands-free.
  • Timestamps: 00:10–01:38
  • Motion-activated toilets, sinks, and paper towel dispensers are now common, with even L-shaped arms on doors to minimize direct hand contact.
  • Quote – Bert (01:08): "Couldn't be happier about this."
• Conversation about classic “germophobe maneuvers” — using paper towels to open doors, attempting to kick the door or use a shoulder, and the lack of wastebaskets for those towels.

2. Cruise Ships & Purell Mania

• Real-life examples from cruise ships, where outbreaks can be severe, have led to over-the-top measures: napkins at doors, Purell dispensers by elevators (notorious for having dirty buttons).
  • Timestamps: 02:15–02:53
• The dirtiest spots in office buildings are identified as elevator buttons and microwave doors.

3. Avoiding Handshakes (and Human Contact)

• A doctor’s campaign to avoid handshakes during cold and flu season is discussed, with the group debating alternatives such as fist bumps, elbow touches, and even the Japanese bow.
  • Timestamps: 03:01–03:51, 04:14–04:23
  • Quote – Cassie (03:33): "That was the number one thing they said, do not touch your face anymore. And just try...you can't do it."
• The group jokes about just bowing to people in greeting and makes fun of the extent of germ precaution.

4. Listener Call-In: Makeup Testers and OCD Habits

• "Ashley," a beauty advisor, shares horror stories about makeup counter testers, cautioning listeners against using communal cosmetics due to high germ exposure.
  • Timestamps: 04:53–05:53
  • Quote – Ashley (04:58): "But the testers at the makeup counter, ladies...just don't touch them, please."
• Ashley describes carrying her own bottle of alcohol spray and cleaning grocery cart handles – a behavior ingrained from being raised by an OCD parent.

5. Mascara Hygiene and Product Warnings

• Discussion on how even products like mascara can become germ vectors, with built-in ingredients only effective for so long.
  • Timestamps: 06:04–06:25

6. More Touchless Greetings & Social Dynamics

• Callers and hosts share alternatives to handshakes: elbow bumps (although still technically "skin on skin"), and hugging vs. kissing.
  • Timestamps: 06:28–07:14
• Cassie firmly rejects kissing as a greeting, drawing lines on personal boundaries due to health concerns.
  • Quote – Cassie (06:46): "I don't want to be rude, but...I cannot kiss you because I may get something from you, and I'm not trying to offend you, but you don't know how nasty you are."

7. Humor and Going Overboard

• The segment closes with the hosts amping up the absurdity, joking about inventing new, intimate-yet-germ-safe greetings.
  • Timestamps: 07:14–07:29
  • Quote – Bert (07:14): "I'm trying to come up with something that's intimate yet germ safe. So I'm going to just start lightly touching my face against a person's breast, you know, cause that's covered in clothing and everything, but it's still intimate."
• The team reinforces their style — practical but never too serious, with wild humor and relatable "real talk".

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Automatic Restrooms:
  • "You run your hand under it 27 times, like using the self checkout line at the grocery store, and you can never quite get it." – Host (00:50)
• Disgust at Makeup Testers:
  • "Oh, God, please just don't touch them, please." – Ashley, caller (04:58)
• Elbow Bump Alternative:
  • "[My boss] touches their elbow, and that's his handshake." – Joy, caller (06:28)
• Germ Humor:
  • "Just lick it, use your tongue and push it open." – Host (02:12)
  • "I'm just gonna go to somebody, say, hey Melissa — I'm just gonna bow real slowly." – Cassie (04:34)
  • "Just try to go through the rest of today without touching your face. And you can't do it." – Cassie (03:33)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:10–01:38| Touch-free restroom evolution and ideas | | 02:15–02:53| Cruise ship germ precautions and Purell dispensers | | 03:01–03:51| The handshaking debate and face-touching warnings | | 04:53–05:53| Beauty advisor warns about makeup tester contamination | | 06:04–06:25| Mascara, pink eye, and product expiration | | 06:28–07:14| Alternative greetings (elbows, hugs, boundaries) | | 07:14–07:29| Lighthearted finale on intimate-yet-germ-safe greetings|

Tone & Language

The Bert Show remains true to its signature: candid, self-deprecating, and full of quick wit. While the episode brings real hygiene concerns to the forefront, it always circles back to relatable humor, absurd “solutions,” and open riffing between hosts and listeners. The blend of practical advice and light teasing makes for a lively exploration of germophobia in daily life.

For listeners and non-listeners alike, this episode is both a comedic and genuine deep-dive into how far we’ll go to keep germs at bay — and how ridiculous it can all get when our inner germophobe takes over.