Vault: These Are Some Extreme Cases Of Germophobes

Summary

The Bert Show Episode: Vault: These Are Some Extreme Cases Of Germophobes Date: January 30, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the world of germophobia, exploring the extreme (and often hilarious) measures some people take to avoid germs. The Bert Show cast — with Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers — share personal stories, discuss societal trends in hygiene, and joke about the anxiety surrounding daily germs in public spaces. The episode balances laugh-out-loud observations with genuine advice, all through the crew’s authentic, relatable lens.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Public Restrooms and the Rise of Touch-Free Solutions

• The hosts discuss increased public concern about cleanliness and how technology is rapidly making bathrooms hands-free.
  • Timestamps: 00:10–01:38
  • Motion-activated toilets, sinks, and paper towel dispensers are now common, with even L-shaped arms on doors to minimize direct hand contact.
  • Quote – Bert (01:08): "Couldn't be happier about this."
• Conversation about classic “germophobe maneuvers” — using paper towels to open doors, attempting to kick the door or use a shoulder, and the lack of wastebaskets for those towels.

2. Cruise Ships & Purell Mania

• Real-life examples from cruise ships, where outbreaks can be severe, have led to over-the-top measures: napkins at doors, Purell dispensers by elevators (notorious for having dirty buttons).
  • Timestamps: 02:15–02:53
• The dirtiest spots in office buildings are identified as elevator buttons and microwave doors.

3. Avoiding Handshakes (and Human Contact)

• A doctor’s campaign to avoid handshakes during cold and flu season is discussed, with the group debating alternatives such as fist bumps, elbow touches, and even the Japanese bow.
  • Timestamps: 03:01–03:51, 04:14–04:23
  • Quote – Cassie (03:33): "That was the number one thing they said, do not touch your face anymore. And just try...you can't do it."
• The group jokes about just bowing to people in greeting and makes fun of the extent of germ precaution.

4. Listener Call-In: Makeup Testers and OCD Habits

• "Ashley," a beauty advisor, shares horror stories about makeup counter testers, cautioning listeners against using communal cosmetics due to high germ exposure.
  • Timestamps: 04:53–05:53
  • Quote – Ashley (04:58): "But the testers at the makeup counter, ladies...just don't touch them, please."
• Ashley describes carrying her own bottle of alcohol spray and cleaning grocery cart handles – a behavior ingrained from being raised by an OCD parent.

5. Mascara Hygiene and Product Warnings

• Discussion on how even products like mascara can become germ vectors, with built-in ingredients only effective for so long.
  • Timestamps: 06:04–06:25

6. More Touchless Greetings & Social Dynamics

• Callers and hosts share alternatives to handshakes: elbow bumps (although still technically "skin on skin"), and hugging vs. kissing.
  • Timestamps: 06:28–07:14
• Cassie firmly rejects kissing as a greeting, drawing lines on personal boundaries due to health concerns.
  • Quote – Cassie (06:46): "I don't want to be rude, but...I cannot kiss you because I may get something from you, and I'm not trying to offend you, but you don't know how nasty you are."

7. Humor and Going Overboard

• The segment closes with the hosts amping up the absurdity, joking about inventing new, intimate-yet-germ-safe greetings.
  • Timestamps: 07:14–07:29
  • Quote – Bert (07:14): "I'm trying to come up with something that's intimate yet germ safe. So I'm going to just start lightly touching my face against a person's breast, you know, cause that's covered in clothing and everything, but it's still intimate."
• The team reinforces their style — practical but never too serious, with wild humor and relatable "real talk".

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Automatic Restrooms:
  • "You run your hand under it 27 times, like using the self checkout line at the grocery store, and you can never quite get it." – Host (00:50)
• Disgust at Makeup Testers:
  • "Oh, God, please just don't touch them, please." – Ashley, caller (04:58)
• Elbow Bump Alternative:
  • "[My boss] touches their elbow, and that's his handshake." – Joy, caller (06:28)
• Germ Humor:
  • "Just lick it, use your tongue and push it open." – Host (02:12)
  • "I'm just gonna go to somebody, say, hey Melissa — I'm just gonna bow real slowly." – Cassie (04:34)
  • "Just try to go through the rest of today without touching your face. And you can't do it." – Cassie (03:33)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:10–01:38| Touch-free restroom evolution and ideas | | 02:15–02:53| Cruise ship germ precautions and Purell dispensers | | 03:01–03:51| The handshaking debate and face-touching warnings | | 04:53–05:53| Beauty advisor warns about makeup tester contamination | | 06:04–06:25| Mascara, pink eye, and product expiration | | 06:28–07:14| Alternative greetings (elbows, hugs, boundaries) | | 07:14–07:29| Lighthearted finale on intimate-yet-germ-safe greetings|

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Tone & Language

The Bert Show remains true to its signature: candid, self-deprecating, and full of quick wit. While the episode brings real hygiene concerns to the forefront, it always circles back to relatable humor, absurd “solutions,” and open riffing between hosts and listeners. The blend of practical advice and light teasing makes for a lively exploration of germophobia in daily life.

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For listeners and non-listeners alike, this episode is both a comedic and genuine deep-dive into how far we’ll go to keep germs at bay — and how ridiculous it can all get when our inner germophobe takes over.

Transcript

[A]

The Burt Show. This article should have been written, dear Burt, is how it should have started.

[B]

And I was never like this until my kids were born. And now I'm just like so sensitive to anything dirty or fecal matter.

[A]

Well, you had a little bit of this in you because I think you had this idea before there was a Hollis or a Hayden. The idea that they're talking about in the paper is. And by the way, they have a picture on the front. If you look at the living section, they actually show Burt leaving a public restroom.

[C]

That's right. With his hazmat suit on.

[A]

Yeah, on the right. But basically the idea is that people are becoming so germaphobic that they are making bathrooms cleaner by making them completely touch free.

[B]

We talked about this years ago.

[A]

So you know how it started, I think with the, with the restrooms, the toilets, and then also the urinals in the men's room where when it detects motion in front of it and the motion moves, flushes away. It flushes automatically. Then they put the same things on the seat sinks. So you run your hand under it 27 times, like using the self checkout line at the grocery store, and you can never quite get it.

[B]

You got the paper towel thing going on also. Yep.

[A]

Right in front of the paper towel. And now they've got their special handles on the doors. There's a picture of it. It's actually brilliant.

[B]

Couldn't be happier about this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Where's the picture?

[A]

There's a picture, Bert, of it's shaped like an L. Look at. And that's how you leave the bathroom. Can you see that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you lock your arm. So you lock your arm in it and you pull it open that way so you don't touch it with your hand.

[C]

Never use it with your hand.

[A]

Because the technique right now is, you know, to take a clean paper towel, open the door. When you get the door open, you kind of kick it all the way open and then you test your basketball skills with the paper towel or you return to your table with it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So the number until this is adopted by all restrooms. I would like to suggest that every restroom have a small waste paper basket in the little area, you know, after you've gone out the door, but before you've turned into the restaurant, you know what I'm talking about. So people can just drop their. And the only thing that will go in there will be dry paper towels that people have used to open the door. So I would recommend that. And then also I think if. Why can't you just make restroom doors that push out. Like, why do they all have to open in?

[B]

You still gotta touch, though.

[A]

You know, check them with your foot.

[B]

Or shoulder, forehead or your tongue or something.

[A]

Yeah, just lick it, Use your tongue and push it open. When I was on a cruise ship earlier this year in the Cause, I guess they're more worried about germs. You know, if somebody gets stomach, a.

[C]

Lot of outbreaks of like a lot of illnesses. And if you're on a ship and you get one of those illnesses, it's pretty bad.

[B]

If there's nowhere to run, nowhere to.

[C]

Hide it, it spreads through the ship pretty fast.

[A]

So in, in the restrooms there, they have a little napkin holder that's right next to the door, and it's. There's a picture of people. You're supposed to take one of those napkins and use them to push over the door. Well, push open the door.

[C]

Yeah. And the ship I was on, they had Purell dispensers, stand up dispensers next to the elevators for the buttons on the elevator.

[B]

That's an important one too. It's not like the second most contaminated place in an office building, with the first being the microwave.

[C]

The microwave button to push it open.

[A]

Now that we've got the bathrooms all covered for you, Bert, here's something else for you to worry about, to freak out about. This is actually from a doctor. He's trying to figure out how to avoid handshakes because he said so many people, especially during, you know, cold season, don't wash. Like, people go. People will go an entire day without.

[B]

Washing their hands, sneeze into it.

[A]

Like an entire day. And I've gotten into the habit when I cough now of using. They want you to use the fabric of your shirt. But people like Melissa pointed this out a while ago how much people touch their face and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Without even thinking about it, that's when you get sick. It's not the fact that your hands are dirty. It's the fact that you touch your nose, you touch your mouth, you touch your eyes. Like, you know, after I had my transplant, that was the hardest thing for me to do because that was the number one thing they said, do not touch your face anymore. And just try. Try to go through the rest of today without touching your face. And you can't do it.

[B]

So don't they say, like, the per.

[A]

Per.

[B]

The bottom of purses are the worst? Right.

[C]

Well, they're pretty nasty because youyou know, you notice how you always put your purse on the Floor. When you go anywhere to sit down or whatever is the bottom of your purse is pretty nasty.

[A]

So this doctor, he's an infectious disease specialist, so he knows what he's talking about with all of his friends and acquaintances, they just do the, like, Howie Mandel pound it. They will not. Yep.

[B]

Still skin on skin. I don't like that.

[A]

But he won't shake hands.

[B]

I know. How about just a little piece on.

[C]

How about the elbow and skin on skin. No wear long sleeves.

[A]

Some people in on college campuses with colds and flu, it's spread on message boards and everything that you just do a Japanese style bow.

[B]

I'd love that.

[A]

No touching.

[C]

Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna do that today. I'm just gonna go to somebody say, hey, Melissa. I'm just gonna bow real slowly.

[B]

Hello, Melissa. Son.

[D]

You go to shake your hand, they're gonna stick.

[A]

Instead of doing that, you just.

[B]

Melissa went to Benihana this weekend just getting all Asian on us.

[A]

Kelly Clarkson does it. She hugs.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, Ashley, you're on Q100.

[D]

Hi. Am I on?

[B]

Yeah, you are.

[D]

Good morning, guys. I love you guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

I want to tell you that I can't really say who I work for, but I actually work. I'm a beauty advisor at a makeup counter in the mall. Oh, yeah. I have been obsessed with germs because my dad has been OCD since I was a child. So I've been raised and instilled of you, don't do touch this. Blah, blah, blah. But the testers at the makeup counter, ladies. Oh, God, please just don't touch them, please. Like the eyeshadows. Women stick their finger in there and test it and see if it, you know, looks good or the lipsticks. Just don't touch them, please. I mean, I have a personal alcohol bottle. Her alcohol bottle I take with me everywhere and spray, like, the handles at the grocery store and everything. Like on the buggies.

[C]

Yeah, those are pretty nasty. Yeah, the makeup counter does freak me out. I won't do. The only tester I will do is a, you know, perfume. But I will not do the other stuff because that's kind of gross.

[B]

Isn't that the quickest way to get, like, pink eye? That thing that Snoop has all the time?

[C]

What is.

[A]

No, he's got a different version of pink eye.

[B]

If you guys are, like, using some of those testing things on your eyes.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sure it can cause it. I mean, what people don't know is, like, even in mascara, there's, like, stuff in your mascara to Help keep germs at bay. The germs that you keep putting in your mascara. So if you use mascara for a long time, you need to throw it out. Because whatever they put in there, you know, kind of goes old over time. There's. I forgot what it is, but it's something there specifically for the germs you keep putting in there from your eye.

[B]

Fun talk. Really fun. Hey, Joy, you're on Q100.

[D]

Hey. I work for an environmental company, and my boss refuses to shake hands with people. What he does is he touches their elbow, and that's his handshake.

[A]

That's what he does.

[D]

See the elbow things working, but still.

[B]

It's still skin on skin, I guess. But you're not touching your elbow to your face or anything like that, so it certainly is safer.

[C]

Well, and I want to go back to Jeff saying the hug, like, that's all cool and stuff, but do not kiss me. I don't need to be kissed when we see each other, because I save all that. I don't want to be rude, but that I, you know, because again, I can't touch my hands to my face. I can't kiss you. I cannot kiss you because I may get something from you, and I'm not trying to offend you, but you don't know how nasty you are. So. And I. So the huggers are people who always feel the need to add an extra piece of infinity intimacy with the hug. And I don't need it.

[A]

I'm trying to come up with something that's intimate yet germ safe. So I'm going to just start lightly touching my face against a person's breast, you know, Cause that's covered in clothing and everything, but it's still intimate because.

[C]

It'S my face like a cat.

[A]

So it's just gonna be a little butterfly kiss of the breast is what I'm going for. Which is awkward when you meet guys, but if you hang out with a good group of women, it's totally worth it. The Burt Show.