Vault: These Are The Worst Gift Exchanges Ever!

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: These Are The Worst Gift Exchanges Ever!"

Date: November 26, 2025
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Main Theme:
A lively and candid discussion of the most disastrous, disappointing, and hilariously awkward gift exchanges experienced by hosts, their friends, and callers. The show centers around the concept of "gift imbalance"—the often painful mismatch between gifts given and received, especially in holiday or romantic contexts.

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Main Discussion Themes

1. The Anxiety of Gift Imbalance

• Definition & Fear: "Gift imbalance" is established as the episode’s central anxiety—when the effort and/or expense of gifts between two parties are wildly unmatched.
  • Bert: "Here is a big fear when you're buying presents for other people. And I call it gift imbalance." [02:19]
  • Extreme Analogy: Bert jokes, "Like, let's say I give Jen Hobby a calendar and she gives me a car. That is gift imbalance, for sure." [02:35]
• Emotional Context: Gift exchanges are portrayed as a barometer for how relationships are valued, which makes disparities feel especially personal or awkward.

2. Navigating Secret Santa and Office Gift Giving

• New Traditions & Expectations: The team reveals this is the first year they’re doing a Secret Santa, increasing the pressure to figure out suitable gift value.
  • Jamie: "I don't want to be that guy who spends, like, a couple hundred bucks on a nice gift...and then I get, you know, a calendar and maybe a matching set of cards." [03:39]
• Thoughtfulness vs. Expense: The group debates if a less expensive but highly personalized or handmade gift counts as "enough," ultimately agreeing that meaning and fit matter more than price.
  • Melissa: Known for handmade thoughtful cards, admits, "I didn't have time this year. So much going on." [05:56]

3. Real-Life Tales of Gift Imbalance (Call-In Stories)

Callers share memorably mismatched exchanges, ranging from comical to cringe-worthy:

• Sarah:

  • "For my boyfriend I bought him a Miami's hurricane jersey and pants... For my birthday, he got me a green pepper from his mother's garden and a rose." [06:19]
  • Reactions: The cast cracks up—"A green pepper." [06:41]

• Unidentified Caller:

  • "I got my brother and his ex $30 gift cards to Abercrombie, and they got me a fox from old Navy off the clearance rack." [06:58]
  • Lesson learned: "I have been kind of skimping for the rest of the years on everybody after that." [07:11]

• Juliana:

  • "I waited out in the cold to get my boyfriend cool electronics...he got me a CD of mine that he had borrowed and wrapped." [08:11]
  • Cast's disbelief: "He regifted your own CD." [08:36]

• Sheila:

  • "I got him a massage table with all these features...he got me a $20 girl toolbox with pink tools." [10:13]
  • Insight: Women interpret unsuitable gifts as signs of how well they’re understood or valued.

4. The Psychology and Aftermath of Imbalance

• Chain Reaction: “This is how the whole game works…if you come in with the low present, next year they come in low, then you go over the top to make up for it. The imbalance continues.” [07:18]
• Setting Precedents: Some cast members now preemptively set price limits or over-communicate to avoid mismatches, especially in new relationships.
  • Kristin’s advice to Katie Jones: "If the price limit was $200, don’t think you can spend $250…with Melissa, you’re getting $195." [09:21]

5. The Danger in “Practical” or “Dual-Use” Gifts

• Lingerie, GPS, and Skillets:

  • The crew notes when gifts are really for the giver (e.g., guys buying their partners gifts they themselves will use), these backfire spectacularly.
  • Anecdote: "My best friend's husband got her a GPS for her car... she didn't want it, and now, a year later, it's in his car." [13:09]
  • TV reference: "It's like the Simpsons episode where Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with Homer engraved on it." [13:21]

• Tone-Deaf Fitness Gear:

  • Bert recounts: "I bought Stacy everything to do with exercising…calorie counter, scale, workout equipment." This led to an unfortunate impression: “Merry Christmas, fat ass.” [12:23]
  • Kristin (joking): “I want that to be my holiday ringtone!” [12:37]

6. Gender Stereotypes Around Gift Imbalance

• The hosts playfully suggest recurring patterns: men tend to "come in low," while women go "above and beyond."
  • Bert: "It's the guy that screws it up. He always comes in low, woman always comes in high." [09:58]
  • Exceptions noted but presented as rare.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bert: "Here is a big fear when you're buying presents for other people. And I call it gift imbalance." [02:19]
• Melissa (deadpan): "I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes." [03:12]
• Sarah (caller): "He got me a green pepper from his mother's garden and a rose." [06:19]
• Bert: "He regifted your own CD." [08:36]
• Bert narrates: "Merry Christmas, fat ass." (About his fitness-gear-gone-wrong gift history.) [12:23]
• Kristin: "I hope Jessica really likes the flat screen." (About men buying gifts for themselves under the guise of giving.) [13:36]
• Caller (Julie): "I bought him just about $400 worth for Christmas...he wrapped me a king size Hershey bar." [14:16]
• Bert: "If you come in with the low present this year... imbalance continues into next year." [07:18]

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Key Takeaways

• Gift exchanges are emotionally high-stakes: They often act as a reflection of the relationship and can result in lingering awkwardness or resentment if not handled thoughtfully.
• Communication is crucial: Setting expectations, price limits, or openly talking about how gifts are chosen can help avoid disasters.
• Effort and thoughtfulness usually matter more than expense: But huge perceptual mismatches—particularly "dual-use" or self-serving gifts—can cause embarrassment or hurt.
• Everyone has a horror story: Listeners and hosts alike shared cringe moments, making for a funny and relatable episode.

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Segment Timeline

• [01:30 – 02:30]: Bert introduces theme of gift imbalance and sets up topic.
• [02:31 – 05:00]: Cast discusses Secret Santa, gift selection philosophy, and stress.
• [05:01 – 06:14]: Discussion of thoughtful/handmade gifts and shift in traditions.
• [06:15 – 14:59]: Call-in segment; listeners share real-life mismatched gift stories, interspersed with crew anecdotes and banter.
• [10:36 – 12:54]: Discussion pivots to gender roles and symbolic meaning of practical/self-serving gifts.
• [14:00 – 14:59]: Final caller; conversation wraps by highlighting the emotional impact of mismatched giving.

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In the end:
This episode serves as both a cautionary tale and a comic relief for anyone anxious about holiday gifting. The Bert Show’s blend of wit, self-deprecation, and audience participation brings out the real human drama—and hilarity—of giving and receiving presents.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

I'm Shelle Dorsey and I host TED Tech where we explore the latest innovations and ideas coming out of the tech world. Recently, I interviewed people from across the globe to get a new perspective on technology and the future of our planet. The interviews are compiled into a series of on my show, where you'll hear stories from the AI for good executive from Microsoft, Juan M. La Vista Ferraz, impact investor and CEO of Acumen, Jacqueline Novogratz and farmer and community builder from Kenya, Josephine Waweru. Hear in depth conversations with these innovators and more on how and why they're reimagining how to nourish the planet on TedTech. Available wherever you get your podcasts.

[B]

ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com this is the bird Show. Let me ask you guys a question because it dawned on me the other day when we were talking to Melody and in talking to Jamie Massey the last couple of days, also the biggest fear with Melody that we had. And she was the one that found the presence in her boyfriend's apartment, right? And there were two different sets. Well, the reason why she initially started snooping around was that they had agreed to only get like a couple of presents each for each other. Right?

[D]

Gifts. But the, the concern she had because she was kind of broke is they didn't put a financial limit on it. So she was trying to figure out how much money he spent to know how much money she should spend.

[B]

Here is a big fear when you're buying presents for other people. And I call it gift imbalance. Like when you I thought the biggest.

[E]

Fear was drawing Leonard.

[B]

That's the second biggest fear. The first is gift imbalance. Like if you give somebody, like because it's really defining your relationship. So, like, let's say I give Jen Hobby a calendar and she gives me a car. That is gift imbalance, for sure. She sees our relationship differently than I do. I see her as a calendar person. She sees me as a car person. I mean, that's really, really extreme. But that's what we're talking about here. So I would love to take calls from you if you had the, like, the worst case of gift imbalance, where you came to the table with this, they came to the table with that, and you were either really disappointed or really just uncomfortable. Just totally uncomfortable.

[E]

I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes.

[F]

Imbalance, for sure.

[B]

Definite imbalance. Massie, going through the same questions right now.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

New to the bird show holiday season, obviously. I mean, I was here last year, but I was just on in the afternoon. So we did the little gift exchange, name drawing, and obviously I got a member of the bird show. And I was just asking Bert. I'm like, how crazy do you guys go with your gift purchases? Because I don't want to spend. Like, I don't want to. I don't want to be that guy, you know, that guy who either goes crazy and spends, like, a couple hundred bucks on a nice gift for one of you, and then I get, you know, like you said, like a calendar and maybe a matching set of cards. I don't know.

[D]

This is the first year we've done Secret Santa, so that's a great question to pose, because I'm sure we all would like to know that.

[G]

Are y' all stressing about this, too? At least the women?

[F]

I'm not stress. I'm not stressing about it because of who I picked. And I know what I want to get. I think had I maybe drawn somebody else, I would have been a little bit more, you know, nervous about it. But Melissa's right. It's the first time that we've done the Secret Santa with each other. So we've always in the past bought everyone a gift, which obviously limits the budget because you're buying more, and now we're buying one. I will probably spend more this year on one person than I did in the past, but I haven't put, like, a money limit on it. I've just been thinking about what it is that I want. Does that make sense? I haven't bought it yet.

[B]

There is that stress, you know? 404-741-1005. You come to the table, and even if, like, see, here's the thing that if you have chosen a present, though, that you feel is totally suitable, and I mean totally perfect for this person's personality. Like, I think Melissa is really great at picking out gifts and cards and stuff for other people, I think. Yeah, but that doesn't mean it has to be expensive.

[G]

Right?

[D]

I think for me, when I do gift giving, because I usually try to give myself some time to do it because I'm not. You will never see me on Christmas Eve in a mall, you know, or whatever. So I'm the annoying person that starts buying gifts ahead of time. Um, but, yeah, I think that. Yeah, I don't think about money if I find a good gift, because I think even if it's a small gift, but that person's gonna love it, then they're not gonna be thinking about, oh, well, they just only spent, you know.

[E]

Well, in years gone by.

[B]

Hey, Sarah, hold on one sec.

[E]

Like, Melissa would hand make her own Christmas cards, you know, in the past. So, like, that. I mean, that's thoughtful. Like, taking the time to put it, you know, like. Like hand draw them, like, artistic or whatever. So I think Melissa gets more into the. What's it called? Like, the thoughtfulness.

[G]

Melissa. I do construction paper and then layer.

[D]

Or origami is always good, too.

[E]

Yeah, Melissa used to do, like, cartoons and everything.

[B]

Not doing it this year, though.

[D]

Well, some. Some people are going to get some of the. So some people will receive the cards that you already have received. But yeah, not this year. I didn't. I didn't have time this year. So much going on.

[E]

So Melissa was thoughtful up until 06.

[D]

06 was the year of self.

[B]

Sarah, gift imbalance. When did it bite you in the butt?

[H]

Well, good morning, Burchell.

[B]

Good morning.

[H]

This happened when I was in high school, and it was my very first boyfriend, and he was a big Miami's hurricane fan. So for his birthday, I bought him, you know, a jersey and some pants to go with it and everything. We were still dating at my 16th birthday. And for my birthday, he got me a green pepper from his mother's garden and a rose.

[B]

Come on. Come on.

[E]

That's so awesome. A green pepper.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Did you feel humiliated that he got you something so nice?

[B]

I think we're gonna find examples where it's the guy that came in low and the woman came in high. Good morning. Q100.

[H]

Hey, how are you?

[B]

Good, thank you.

[H]

One year, I got my brother and his ex bow$30 gift cards to Abercrombie, and they got me a fox from old Navy off the clearance rack.

[B]

Oh, man. Big time gift imbalance right there.

[H]

Yeah, I felt kind of gyps. So I have. I have been kind of skimping for the rest of the years on everybody after that.

[B]

See, this is how the whole game works, too. Because if you come in with the low present this year, here's how the whole psychological game works. The person that receives it realizes now that you're going to come in low, so they come in low next year. And what you do to make up for your lame present the year before is you go over the top. So now the imbalance continues into the next year.

[E]

We did. I think, actually, I think I did that with you for, like.

[B]

I know I've done it with you.

[E]

I did that, like, the first year that Bert and I worked together. One of us got the other, like, something really nice. And then we did the token thing, and then like, the year two. And I remember almost thinking, like, okay, we just got to talk about it. Like, we just got to say, okay.

[G]

Balance it out, right?

[E]

Thanks for the candle. But look. Thanks for the candle. Trying not to run me over with the Range Rover that I got you.

[B]

Good morning, Juliana. You're on Q100 high.

[H]

Okay, so one year I was dating this guy, and I was the one who stayed up all night on Thanksgiving and was in the line like 3:30 in the morning the next morning to wait out in the cold and get him all this really cool electronic gadget stuff. And then on Christmas, the only thing that he got me was a CD of mine that he had borrowed and wrapped.

[B]

He re gifted your own cd.

[H]

Like, I wasn't gonna know that this is my CD that he borrow a couple months ago.

[B]

He totally forgot.

[E]

And it was like open. The cellophane was all ripped off it, of course.

[H]

You know, like, all scratched up and ridiculous.

[E]

Track number two never starts because there's a little scratch right there.

[D]

Because I. I mean, like, Katie. This is Katie and my first Christmas together. And we've had the conversation several times just to check in because we put a price limit on it. And then not only is the price limit, but it's like, okay, now have you spent that whole price limit on one thing, or did you do the price limit on several? Just a heads up, like, so we're doing that because I think we're both worried about this very thing because this is the first year. So this is like setting a precedent.

[E]

You know, I'm going to take a little of this public radio time to talk directly to Katie Jones. Just A little heads up. No, no, Melissa for five and a half years. If she put a price limit on it, just know it won't be a nickel. More like, don't think, don't think. Like, if your price limit was $200, don't think. Well, I can spend 250 because I'm sure she's going to go over. You're getting 195, just so you know, 9.99. And guess what? If the regular price was 200 bucks and she got it on sale for 149, she's done. It's regular price with her.

[A]

She.

[B]

She put.

[E]

She'll pocket the other 51 bucks.

[B]

The gift imbalance here, the theory now on gift and balancing, and this is a consistent that it's the guy that screws it up. He always comes in low, woman always comes in high. Hey, Sheila. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[H]

Good morning.

[B]

Morning.

[H]

Last year, my boyfriend of four years got. I got him a massage table because he's always having back problems and stuff. And it was like decked out with all these different massage features and stuff. Cost a couple hundred bucks. He got me a toolbox.

[D]

Really?

[B]

A toolbox.

[H]

He said I didn't have enough tools around the house. So he got me this $20, like, girl toolbox that had, you know, all these little pink, like, hammer and stuff in it. But it was 20 bucks at home Depot.

[G]

I have that.

[B]

See, here it is. Here is like, where. You know how, like, women's minds are working all the time. Like, I love your analogy about the watch. The face of a watch.

[D]

Yeah. I say that woman's mind is like a watch where, you know, on the surface, all you see is, you know, the minute hand and the hour hand. You think it's so simplistic, but you take the face off and all those gears are constantly turning and turning. And that's what a woman's mind's like. Like.

[B]

I know that some women will look at the presence they get as a personal definition of how well their husbands or boyfriends know them. So if you come in with a toolbox and you've never picked up a wrench before in your life, that is so offensive.

[D]

Right. I want you to share, too, what you got Stacy that year that you. The exercise stuff.

[B]

Okay. When Stacy and I first started dating, she was. I mean, she went through this period where she was working out, like, stupid, hardcore. Like, she was doing these boot camps where she was getting up at 6am she was hitting the gym big time. I Mean months of her life were just, like, all of a sudden, she was obsessed with working out. So I'm watching that whole thing go down, and, you know, I know the theory. You just. You watch, take in the cues, and then you turn them around into something thoughtful. So for Christmas, because she was working out so much, I went and I bought her everything that had to do with exercising. And I could see with each and every present she opened, she was getting more and more bummed till she was almost at tears. Like, I got her videos of, like, calves of steel, butt of steel, neck of steel, elbows. So it was like 12 tapes of steel. Then there was a calorie counter, then there was a scale, then there was workout equipment. Every single thing I got her had to do with working out. It was just a big sign to her, was like, merry Christmas, fat ass.

[E]

Save that. I would like that to be my holiday ringtone so that when people call me during this festival of season, it's first voice going, merry Christmas, fat ass.

[G]

I was gonna say that my dating Antichrist two years ago got me for Christmas. And I opened this up, like, in front of my brothers and my mom. A crock pot in a skillet. And it's like, what are you trying to tell me? Like, why would you cook? Well, not really. I mean, I guess it was like.

[F]

Trying to cook in winch. Well, I love the gifts that guys will get for their girlfriends, but it's really for. Have you ever heard of this, like, lingerie? No, no, no, no. That's for the woman.

[D]

But, no.

[B]

No, it's not.

[F]

My best friend's husband got her a GPS system for her car. Like, she didn't want the gps. He wanted it. And you know what? Now, one year later, it's in his car.

[B]

That's funny.

[F]

And that was, like, her big gift.

[G]

It's like the Simpson episode where Homer goes shopping for Marge and he gets her a bowling ball with Homer on it.

[F]

Yeah, exactly. It's like they try to pass up, but now in their house, it's just a joke. Oh, you mean the G for yourself. For me?

[E]

Yeah. I hope Jessica really likes the flat screen.

[F]

Yeah, flat screen. Yeah. All that technology stuff. You're not buying it for us?

[B]

Hey, Brooks, gift imbalance, all right? This happened to my buddy, and it was actually the girl who screwed up. She was real into the game DDR. He bought her a PS2. The game DDR. The, like, gamepads that go DDR and the memory card. So we threw down, like, two or 300 bucks and she got him a plate of brownies.

[F]

Yeah, but did he really buy that for her or was that really for him?

[B]

No, he bought it for her. He really did.

[G]

Well, were they pot brownies change everything.

[B]

Julie, last call here. Gift imbalance.

[H]

Gift imbalance was a couple of years ago, a very, very close childhood friend of my son's who, you know, they're grown now, but I bought him, you know, dollar for dollar, just about what I bought for my son. So we're talking, you know, probably four or so hundred dollars. And he wrapped me a king size Hershey bar. It was just horrible. And I really felt bad because it was at that point I really started to question, like, how did he feel about me? You know, the kids always called me mom. I did everything for him and I was like, does he just not care about me?

[B]

Aw, it was really sad.

[H]

But he was so proud of himself. The king size Hershey bar.

[E]

Yeah, at least it was the king size one.

[B]

He wasn't complaining about.

[E]

It wasn't like your standard issue checkout aisle. He had to go deep into the grocery. He had to go back into the grocery store.

[H]

10 for 10. So.

[B]

Thanks, Julie. Yeah. And then that mind game goes on and on and on in the next year too. You gotta get it right.

[G]

So did we define what about the bird show, what I should get answer Jamie's question.

[D]

Yeah, we haven't. We didn't do a price limit. Not really.

[B]

Just get what you think is appropriate for that person. This is the Birch Show. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday. Because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50 doll. 50% off, unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day. Yeah. Give it a [e-mail] Switch a front.

[D]

Payment of 45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slower. 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com.

[B]

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[B]

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