The Bert Show – Vault: These Are The Worst Names Ever
Release Date: December 16, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast
Episode Overview
In this hilarious and lighthearted episode, the Bert Show crew dives into the world of unfortunate and unintentionally funny names. Prompted by listener calls and personal anecdotes, the cast swaps stories about real-life acquaintances, urban legends, and absurd name combinations that range from cringeworthy to hilarious. The segment turns into a playful contest of who can recall (or has actually encountered) people saddled with the most unfortunate monikers, all while keeping the tone upbeat and authentic.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Launching the Topic – Unfortunate Names (05:50)
- The crew casually opens a filler segment about middle names, but it quickly pivots to a discussion about people saddled with embarrassing or suggestive names.
- Bert shares:
"We were talking about people who had unfortunate names. Really, you know what I'm talking about—a slew of these..." (06:00) - The tension over what’s FCC-appropriate leads to spelling out the problematic names instead of saying them, setting a playful but careful tone.
2. Personal Experiences & Listener Stories (07:00–16:00)
a. The Classics & Urban Legends
- Jen describes a sorority member named "Hope Snodgrass" (07:50).
- Bert reminisces about the origins of long, complex surnames and their ethnic or historical roots.
- The “Lois and Clark” couple anecdote—and Jen’s parents, “Ward and June”—adds to the fun.
- "My husband's parents are Lois and Clark. They are? Yeah. They're so Hobbyville." – Kristin (09:00)
b. Actual Call-Ins
- Caller Jenny: Shares about her grandma going to school with “Ophelia Rass” (10:10).
- "It doesn't sound very funny. But then when you think about it, it's like, oh, Ophelia... I will keep that with me all day today." (10:21)
- Caller Tina: Reportedly worked with a man named "Richard Seaman," who insisted on going by "Dick Seaman" (12:00).
- "He said his name was Dick, so he went by Dick Seaman. That is wrong. That's scarring." – Bert (12:21)
c. Real Names That Cross the Line
- Teachers and listeners offer serious examples from the classroom, like “Phuc Me” (PHUC ME) and the teacher explaining, "We call him Fook." (15:20)
- Another classic: “Lois Cherry Ons of Peapot” (08:25).
3. Playing With Internet Name Collections (16:00–18:50)
- The group finds a website with scans of real telephone listings featuring unfortunate names, and challenges Bert to read them out.
- Examples include “Hardin Long” and “Constance Farter.”
- "Bert. The last name is Long, first name is Hardin. Say it." – (17:25)
- Additional favorites: “Bolivar Shag Nasty,” "Nimrod," and “Amanda Funk.”
- "Who's gonna name their child Nimrod?" (18:55)
- Sports teams named “The Nimrods” (19:00), to everyone’s disbelief.
4. Relationship Dilemmas: To Take the Name or Not (11:21, 19:30)
- Light banter on whether someone would refuse to marry—or at least refuse to take—a partner's last name if it was truly awful.
- "Will you marry me? Yes. Only if I don't have to take your last name." (11:40)
- The “Spanky Butt” and “Scooterbutt” stories (20:10):
- "She left him and went and dated a guy named Scooter. So he'd have been Scooterbutt." – Brandon (20:32)
5. Peak Absurdity: Legendary Names (21:00–22:00)
- From “Anita Hoare,” “Ben Dover,” “Eileen Dover,” and “Ben Dover Jr.,” the cast collects stories that truly push the envelope of improbable names.
- "The dad’s name is Ben Dover. The mom’s name is Eileen Dover. And… their kid is Ben Dover Jr." – Ricky (21:20)
- Local legends like “Atlanta Wee Wee inspector” (21:54).
6. The (In)famous Shafid (24:00)
- Julie calls in with perhaps the episode’s most notorious name:
Last name spelled “S H I T H E A D,” pronounced “Shafid.”- "She had a little kid and his name, last name was spelled S H I T H E A D. But they called him Shafid." – Julie (24:20)
7. The Cast Wraps It Up (24:50)
- Everyone agrees they've reverted to a "sixth grade" sense of humor. The string of call-ins and ridiculous names sends the crew into giggles.
- "Oh Shafid in the morning with sidekicks Poo Tang, Ophelia Ass, and bend over Fat Ho." – Bert (24:42)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- "That's an unfortunate name. That's gonna hurt for a long time. That's really sad. Especially when you're a kid." – Bert (07:10)
- "I have a damn sixth grade." – Kristin, acknowledging their childish glee (10:27)
- "He said his name was Dick, so he went by Dick Seaman. That is wrong. That's scarring." – Bert (12:21)
- "You should be able to call defects on a family like that." – Bert, on Ben/Eileen/Ben Jr. Dover (21:29)
- "All right, last one here and then we're all going on our field trip because we're all in the sixth grade." – Bert (23:50)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 05:50 — Topic Launch: Unfortunate names
- 07:00–10:00 — Personal and secondhand stories (Snodgrass, Lois & Clark, etc.)
- 10:10–12:30 — Listener call-ins: Ophelia Rass, Dick Seaman, teacher stories
- 13:00–16:00 — More call-ins: Phuc Me, Poo Tang, etc.
- 16:00–19:00 — Exploring the funny name website, "Hardin Long," "Constance Farter"
- 19:00–22:00 — Nimrod mascots, Spanky Butt, Anita Hoare, Ben/Eileen Dover
- 24:00 — The (in)famous "Shafid" student
- 24:50 — Sixth grade humor and sign-off
Tone & Style
- The episode is irreverent and playful, full of laughter and mutual teasing, but always with an undertone of empathy for the real humans behind the names.
- The cast keeps it light-hearted, sometimes toeing the line of schoolyard humor, but their chemistry and comic timing keep the segment from veering too mean-spirited or crude.