The Bert Show: “Vault: These Hand Washing Statics Are Shocking”

Date: January 20, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Episode Theme:
Light-hearted but serious exploration of the shocking realities behind people’s handwashing habits—especially in Atlanta—with statistics, funny real-life confrontations, and gross-out facts to both inform and entertain.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Handwashing Statistics – Atlanta Spotlight

• [00:02] Melissa Carter, Jen: The episode kicks off by discussing disturbing local and national data revealing how many people skip washing their hands after using public restrooms, especially at Turner Field (Braves games) in Atlanta.
  • Out of those observed at Turner Field:
    • 26% overall did not wash their hands
    • 37% of men did not wash hands
    • 16% of women did not wash hands
  • Nationally, 9 out of 10 women wash their hands, lower rates for men.
• Quote [00:12] Jen:
  • “They showed that the biggest offenders in the city of Atlanta were people that went to Turner Field to a Braves game. And they said that 26% of those observed at Turner Field did not wash their hands after they went to the restroom.”

2. Public Reactions & Hygiene Judgment

• The hosts openly admit to judging restroom-goers who skip handwashing, especially in public places.
  • [01:23] Melissa Carter: “And I'm sure this happens to women also, when you see a woman come out of the bathroom stall and they walk right past the sink and like, you almost want to say something to somebody like, come on...”
  • [01:36] Jen: “If I can hear them not wash their hands and just walk right out the door, then I think differently about—yes. Nasty. Come on.”

3. Phil Turana's Handwashing Vigilante Experiments

• [02:06] Phil Turana: Inspired by the statistics, Phil goes undercover to publicly call out handwashing offenders in Atlanta fast food restaurants with a microphone and bullhorn for maximum effect.
  • He doesn’t have to wait long to find offenders.
  • Embarrasses a customer in front of everyone for not washing his hands.
  • [03:39] Phil Turana (as sanitation announcer): “Ladies and gentlemen, I do not mean to bug or annoy you…but I want to let you know I was in the restroom and noticed this young man came out…without washing his hands.”
  • The confrontation results in denials and discomfort, with the “accused” adamantly defending himself.

4. Humiliation, Denial, and Group Laughter

• The segment details the prank’s fallout: laughter, embarrassment, and defensive reactions from the “offenders.”
  • [05:13] Restaurant Manager/Employee: “I'm asking you nice and leave alone. Cause you don't lied on me and that ain't right, man. I ain't lied on you, no. I don't even know this cat…”

5. Confronting Restaurant Employees

• Phil targets a fast-food employee next, noting subtle clues the person didn’t wash their hands (no water in the sink, hand dryer off).
  • He’s quickly shut down by a protective and irritated manager.
  • [07:44] Restaurant Manager/Employee: “I understand that...but I don't need you in this restaurant microphoning out. Get out.”
  • Phil admits to “cowering” and obeying the manager's (loud) order to leave.
  • [08:16] Restaurant Manager/Employee: “Just get out of here.”

6. Paper Towels vs. Air Dryers: A Gross Revelation

• A caller with a graduate background in special education (“Ann”) shares a disturbing thesis:
  • Hand dryers might actually make your hands dirtier by blowing fecal matter particles onto them from the air.
  • [09:14] Graduate Student Caller: “...a survey said that if you use one of those hand dryers, your hands are actually dirtier because...it actually blows fecal matter out onto your hands.”
  • The cast is both disgusted and amused, joking about switching to “jeans-wiping” rather than using a dryer.
  • [09:34] Melissa Carter: “Thank you. A tornado of poop.”

7. More Startling Handwashing Stats

• Jen shares more national handwashing survey figures:
  • 83% wash their hands after using the bathroom at home
  • 73% after changing a diaper
  • 42% after petting pets
  • 32% after coughing or sneezing into hands
  • [09:59] Jen: “Only 83% of us wash our hands after using the bathroom at home...Only 73% wash their hands after changing a dirty diaper...Only 42% wash your hands after petting a dog or a cat...32%...after they cough or sneeze into their hands.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [00:58] Melissa Carter: “Just know that you’re smearing each other’s fecal matter on each other’s hands.” (On post-game high-fives)
• [01:23] Melissa Carter: “...you almost want to say something to somebody, like, come on, you know.”
• [03:39] Phil Turana (sanitation announcer): “Ladies and gentlemen, I do not mean to bug...but I want to let you know I was in the restroom and noticed this young man came out…without washing his hands.”
• [05:13] Restaurant Manager/Employee: “I'm asking you nice and leave alone. Cause you don't lied on me and that ain't right, man.”
• [07:44] Restaurant Manager/Employee: “I understand that...but I don't need you in this restaurant microphoning out. Get out.”
• [09:14] Graduate Student Caller: “...it actually blows fecal matter out onto your hands.”
• [09:34] Melissa Carter: “Thank you. A tornado of poop.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |---|---| | 00:00–00:51 | Atlanta handwashing stats, sports culture | | 02:06–03:39 | Phil Turana’s undercover “enforcement” at fast food | | 03:39–05:13 | Public call-out, denials, and group embarrassment | | 05:39–07:53 | Restaurant employee confronted, manager intervenes | | 08:47–09:28 | Graduate student caller drops the “fecal tornado” revelation | | 09:59–10:25 | Additional shocking national statistics |

Summary

This Bert Show episode is a tongue-in-cheek expose of America’s lackluster handwashing habits, mixing real data with on-the-ground comic stunts. The cast’s playful shaming and Phil Turana’s bold (and sometimes awkward) confrontations with restroom offenders make for an uncomfortable yet thought-provoking listen that might just make you head back to the sink—preferably with paper towels. The gross-out facts about hand dryers and the biting banter keep the laughs coming while driving home the dirty truth: way too many people are skipping the soap, and public health might depend on more than a little gentle shaming.