Vault: They investigate the 9:45am mystery man

Summary

---

The Bert Show: Vault – They Investigate the 9:45am Mystery Man

Episode Date: June 30, 2026
Main Participants: Bert (Host), Jeff (Co-host), Kristin (Co-host), Frankie (Field Reporter), Whitney (Listener)

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show team dives into an ongoing neighborhood mystery brought to their attention by listener Whitney. A man regularly arrives at her gated townhouse community precisely at 9:45am, parks in the same spot, and enters a specific townhouse for exactly five minutes before leaving—his odd, regimented behavior sparking suspicions among residents. The show sends their colleague Frankie to investigate in real time, brainstorming approaches and sharing their wildest theories on-air.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Scene: The Mystery Introduced

• Whitney’s Call: Whitney describes seeing a "shady" and "skittish" man enter the community daily, parking in the same spot and visiting a townhouse briefly (01:00-01:45).
• Host’s Recap: "He walks into one town home for five minutes and it’s almost timed to a T. Every day it’s five minutes and then he walks out and then he gets back in his car." – Host (01:26)

Theories & Banter

• Leather Jacket Clue: He's noted for wearing a leather jacket into the house, and leaving without it (01:51).
• Conspiracy and Comic Relief:
  • "Just need to confront a strange man in an alleyway and not let that end up with gay sex." – Jeff, joking about the possible outcomes for Frankie (02:13)
  • Speculation on the man’s purpose includes: real estate agent, aquarium technician, neighborhood suspect, or a superstitious routine (05:52-06:45).
  • "He is more regular than my grandfather was, if that’s the case. 9:45 every day. That’s impressive." – Jeff on the regularity of the mystery man's timing (06:49)

Planning the Stakeout

• Strategy Discussion:
  • Jeff and the Host debate the best approach for Frankie: casual conversation vs. direct neighborhood questions (03:07-03:39).
  • "Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you live here?" – Jeff suggests as an opener (04:15)
• Coordination with Whitney:
  • Frankie is to connect with Whitney for code access to the gate and real-time guidance (04:47-04:53).
  • The segment highlights the comedic stress Frankie feels maneuvering the gated entrance while on the phone (04:34-05:14).

Listeners and Live-Call Suggestions

• Listener Alex Calls In:
  • Suggests Frankie pose as community watch, but the team rejects it for being too confrontational and possibly putting Whitney at risk (05:14-05:41).
  • "If you do that, you put him on the defensive immediately, and then, I don’t know that you get real honesty out of them." – Host (05:31)

Execution Challenges

• On-Scene Logistics:
  • Frankie struggles with gate codes and traffic, humorously sharing his predicament (05:03-05:11, 04:38-04:43).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Investigative Planning:
  • Host: “And we don't have to do it on the air. In fact, we can't have his voice on the radio, so we'll do it off the air, and then we'll just get your report.” (04:26)
• Wild Theory Time:
  • Jeff: "I'm going with paranoid schizophrenic with OCD and he's just going over to the house to make sure one of his personalities didn't turn the stove on." (06:19)
  • Co-host: "I think he does his Pez poops there. So I think that is his morning routine. Pez poops his best poop. Sorry, I'm drunk." (06:26)
• Comic Teamwork:
  • "It's teamwork.” – Jeff, on developing the questioning strategy (03:38)
  • "Yeah, and Frankie's not capable of hiding." – Jeff, on listeners' suggestion Frankie hide and observe (06:59)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Mystery Introduction & Whitney’s Story: 01:00–01:56
• Breakdown of Approach for Frankie: 02:07–04:39
• Listener Call-In Strategy: 05:14–05:41
• Theory Roundtable & Banter: 05:52–06:49

---

Episode Flow & Tone

The episode seamlessly weaves real neighborhood intrigue with the Bert Show's signature mix of humor and camaraderie. The investigation is treated both as a genuine curiosity and a playful morning challenge, complete with off-the-cuff jokes, rapid-fire theory crafting, and affectionate ribbing among the cast. The team's willingness to involve listeners and improvise in real time creates an engaging, participatory atmosphere—anchored by witty banter and the relatable awkwardness of small-town mysteries.

---

Conclusion

The Bert Show's live stakeout delivers a funny and engaging look at how curiosity, teamwork, and plenty of wild speculation turn a neighborhood oddity into morning entertainment. Whether or not the mystery is resolved, listeners are drawn into both the suspense and the camaraderie of the cast—getting a front-row seat to radio-based amateur sleuthing, with laughs at every turn.

Transcript

[American Express Spokesperson]

There's nothing like my American Express Platinum card. I love that I can earn hotel credits when I travel. I can also earn resi credits so you know, I'm hitting the restaurants everyone's talking about. Plus, with the digital entertainment credit, I'm even more excited to catch my favorite shows. All in all, I can access over $3,500 in annual value with benefits and eligible purchases across travel, entertainment and more. Learn [e-mail] Explore Platinum Enrollment Requirements monthly and other limits in terms apply

[Lowe's Representative]

Pros Save more on what you need to get the job done right Right now at Lowe's, get 15% off select custom entry and interior doors. Plus save $80 on the DeWalt 20 volt max 2 tool combo kit. Now just $169. And at the Lowe's Pro desk, bring us your materials list and get a quote in minutes. Handwritten, a photo or even a sticky note is all you need. Keep your jobs moving faster and on budget at Lowe's. Valid through 78 while supplies last selection varies by location.

[Jeff]

The bird show and I am very

[Host]

excited about I'm just curious. Today I got me too strangely curious about I'm just curious. Yesterday we took this call from Whitney and she told us that she's curious about some dude that's pulling into her townhouse community. It's gated, right? And he comes in there every day and he parks in the same spot. He walks around the back of the townhouse row. And she said he looks a little on the shady side, a little skittish, a little shifty, right? Like maybe I'm not supposed to be back there or whatever. And he walks into one town home for five minutes and it's almost time to a T. Every day it's five minutes and then he walks out and then he gets back in his car

[Co-host]

and he takes off and he arrives. Yeah, he arrives the same time every morning. He goes into this for five minutes and she said he's been doing this for months.

[Ad Announcer]

And he wears the leather jacket going in. He comes out without the leather jacket.

[Host]

So he's doing something there for five minutes. So we'll get Whitney back on in a couple of minutes, but we're sending Frankie Q100 employee Frankie down there. Hey, what's up, Frankie? You understand your assignment today?

[Frankie]

I think I do. I'm kind of thinking I'm being set up, but okay.

[Host]

No, no, no.

[Jeff]

Just need to confront a strange man in an alleyway and not let that end up with gay sex.

[Co-host]

Why don't People trust me.

[Frankie]

I'm kind of wondering why you guys asked me to wear a leather jacket.

[Host]

And I'm trying to figure out what the best way to approach this is. I wonder if it's just you're a townhouse owner also, and you just happen to be behind there at the same time, and you strike up conversation with the dude and then tell us about it later or what?

[Jeff]

I thought of it yesterday because I actually thought we had lost Frankie. Because when we were going back and forth with text messages, he said, are you gonna embarrass me? And I wrote back, hell no, we're not gonna embarrass you. We just need you to be in the alleyway behind a house indicator at 9:30 tomorrow. And then I never heard from him again, so I figured he was out. But what I decided was if you did decide to do this for us, the easiest thing is when you're walking, you just ask the dude. The first question is, hey, excuse me, do you live around here?

[Host]

Okay. And you can get one answer, right?

[Jeff]

And then if the guy says, no, I'm just visiting. And he goes, oh, okay. Then I don't know what the next question is. But if he says yes, then you can ask neighborhood related questions like, I'm thinking of moving into this neighborhood. Cause then if he's a real estate agent, he'd immediately say, well, that home home right there is for sale. Could I show it to you?

[Host]

I like this angle.

[Jeff]

So, but the thing is, if he goes, no, I don't live around here.

[Host]

Then can he play the part of an owner saying, well, I see you here every day.

[Lowe's Representative]

There.

[Frankie]

Perfect.

[Ad Announcer]

That's a good follow up. Good follow up.

[Jeff]

It's teamwork.

[Host]

You see what I'm saying right there, man? You're gonna have to shift as the conversation moves on.

[Frankie]

You know, I can do that.

[Host]

Okay. Because Whitney told us yesterday that that back alleyway right there that you're gonna be in there are on most days, people are back there walking their dogs. So it wouldn't be strange for this guy to. To bump into somebody in the back.

[Co-host]

I mean, we're calling it an alleyway. Did she call it an alleyway? It's just really.

[Jeff]

It's a road behind the houses now.

[Co-host]

It's the backyards of the townhomes, right?

[Frankie]

Mm.

[Ad Announcer]

The townhomes are all together, so it looks like an alleyway.

[Host]

So I think that's a great opening line from Jeff though. Cause that will dictate which way you go in the conversation. Hey, dude, do you live around here? Is that what you said? First line?

[Frankie]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

I'm sorry. Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you live here? There you go.

[Host]

And then if he says yes, you go one way, and if he says no, you go another way with it. And then just keep asking him questions.

[Frankie]

Okay.

[Host]

All right. And we don't have to do it on the air. In fact, we can't have his voice on the radio, so we'll do it off the air, and then we'll just get your report. Are you there already?

[Frankie]

I just pulled in, and I'm actually backing up traffic because I'm trying to get in.

[Host]

Okay, so what are you supposed to get on?

[Co-host]

Dude, you can drive and talk to.

[Frankie]

I have the code to get in, but I'm on the phone, so I can't get to it right now, but

[Host]

will hang up with you then. Are you going to get on the phone with Whitney or something, and then she's going to coordinate this whole thing with you?

[Frankie]

Yes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Let's keep in mind till someone honks.

[Co-host]

No.

[Host]

Do you think it's a favor?

[Lowe's Representative]

Do you?

[Co-host]

Kind of stresses me out when there's a line behind me at a gate or at 400 or something, you know?

[Jeff]

Do you even have any recollection of what the code is like? Do you even want to try to guess it right now?

[Frankie]

Yeah, but I know, like, the first three numbers.

[Jeff]

All right, just get. Then you get 10 choices.

[Host]

Hold on a sec. Hey, Alex, go ahead. You have a suggestion here?

[Frankie]

Yeah. What's up, guys? I love the show.

[Host]

Thank you, sir.

[Frankie]

Hey, I was saying I was thinking of. He should. Maybe Frankie should go to the girl's house where she. When she called up yesterday and say that he's part of community watch and just say, hey, you know,

[Co-host]

if you

[Host]

do that, you put him on the defensive immediately, and then, I don't know that you get real honesty out of them.

[Jeff]

And we don't want to associate the girl with the investigation because. Yeah, what if the guy's creeper, Right?

[Host]

All right, let's get off the phone with you, because this guy can show up anytime over the next 10 minutes, and we still got to get Whitney on, too.

[Frankie]

Okay, cool.

[Host]

All right, so you got your assignment. You understand it, and we'll talk to you here in a couple of minutes. Okay?

[Frankie]

Awesome.

[Host]

All right, dude, I'm still going with real estate agent also.

[Co-host]

Yeah, because we never confirmed whether anybody lived in that townhouse or not, but it did make sense when somebody suggested that he may come in just for five minutes to Turn the lights on or unlock the door so that other people could show it and then leave. You know, I'm going with aquarium technician.

[Host]

No way that he's just going in there. Every day he cleans up somebody's aquarium, but it's been months.

[Ad Announcer]

Well, maybe they're really exotic fish.

[Jeff]

I'm going with paranoid schizophrenic with ocd and he's just going over to the house to make sure one of his personalities didn't turn the stove on.

[Co-host]

I think that he is very like an athlete, superstitious about things and I think he does his Pez poops there. So I think that is his morning routine. Pez poops his best poop. Sorry, I'm drunk. And that's because we talked about how

[Host]

anyway that he, that he might be. That might be his routine. Like it might be an empty house. He's a real estate agent, but we

[Co-host]

talked about new relationships. He doesn't want to poop in front of, you know, somebody.

[Jeff]

He is more regular than my grandfather was, if that's the case. 9:45 every day. That's impressive.

[Host]

Catherine's suggestion was just to have Frankie hide and see what he does. I don't think it's necessary though.

[Co-host]

We gotta.

[Jeff]

Yeah, and Frankie's not capable of hiding.

[Host]

Yeah, he's kind of a big deal. Hey, the bird show.

[Frankie]

Hey everybody.

[Ad Announcer]

Lady luck here. And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now all summer long I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[Host]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Geico Representative]

We've all been there. You pop into the shop for five minutes and all of a sudden you've forgotten where you parked.

[Frankie]

Car. Car.

[Geico Representative]

Unfortunately, that lost feeling is what it's like trying to manage your policy with other insurers here.

[Frankie]

Car. Come out, come out wherever you are.

[Host]

Please.

[Geico Representative]

With Geico, you can use the app to easily manage all your policies in one place.

[Host]

Did this parking lot have a waterfall?

[Geico Representative]

I think you've wandered too far, mate.

[Jeff]

It feels good to find what you're looking for.

[Lowe's Representative]

It feels good to Geico.

[Jeff]

Ahora mascolos Hille va cada projecto al sigente niver ahora quince porciento. Esque de los try to lista de materiales escrita ouen una photo y recivo una cotisacion en minutos agili projectos mientra sigas value.