Vault: They Pretended to Go to Church to Escape Houseguests.

Summary

---

The Bert Show Podcast Summary

Episode: Vault: They Pretended to Go to Church to Escape Houseguests
Date: May 22, 2026

---

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode dives into the relatable chaos of houseguests who overstay their welcome during the holidays. The hosts and callers share hilarious and sometimes exasperated stories about creative strategies to politely (or not so politely) nudge lingering guests out, setting boundaries with family, and the social etiquette challenges that come with hosting—especially during high-stress, family-centric times like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Fake Church” Escape Plan

• Jess opens the discussion with a story about friends who dressed up their twin one-year-olds and themselves to pretend they were going to church, just to get persistent houseguests to leave after Thanksgiving.
  • "It was worth it to get up in the morning, dress up the two one-year old twins, put them in the car seat, get dressed up in church clothes themselves, load up the car, say goodbye, and take off rather than risk those people spending another full day at the house." (Jess, 01:45)

2. Setting Boundaries—Before or After?

• The hosts debate whether it’s better to set a clear time limit before guests arrive or to navigate extensions as they come.
  • Amber: "Do you set the border, the parameters, before they get to the house and say, okay, great, you're gonna be here till Sunday. That sounds fantastic." (02:57)
  • Jess: "But what if they just decide not to?" (03:15)

3. When Guests Don’t Get the Hint

• Jess points out how some guests extend visits without asking and sometimes act inconsiderately, sparking discussion about whether and how to call out rude behavior.
  • "They decided to extend it till Sunday... But it wasn't really an ask. It was just, hey, we're gonna stay until Sunday. Guess what, we got an extra night..." (Jess, 03:52)
  • "How come when somebody's being rude to you, if you call them out on it, you're worried about being rude?" (Amber, 04:49)

4. The Etiquette of Calling Out Rude Houseguests

• The group ponders why hosts feel pressure to be polite, even when guests are inconsiderate or oblivious.
  • "Because they don't realize they're being rude. And you know you're being rude. I think that's... Internally. That may be the difference." (Danisha, 05:03)
  • "I assume that it is a joy to you to have them for two more nights than what you were expecting..." (Caller 2, 05:12)

5. Creative Alternatives: Virtual Holidays & Time Limits

• Danisha jokes about avoiding these situations entirely by celebrating virtually.
• Amber wonders what’s the acceptable "expiration date" for houseguests, referencing the old adage:
  • "Friends, family, and fish are only good for four days, and after that, they gotta go." (Caller 1, 07:19)
• The team debates its truth, revealing their own limits (three to four days is the consensus).

6. Family Dynamics: Help vs. Overwhelm

• The group shares experiences about family staying over to help after a baby is born, with opinions ranging from gratitude for help to feeling smothered:
  • "Some moms want it, but other moms want to start, like, being on their own without the grandmother's help there. For me, it was like, stay as long as you want." (Amber, 06:02)
  • "I have a friend who's about to have a baby... her Mom's moving in for a month..." (Caller 2, 06:16)
  • "That's way too much." (Amber, 06:47)

7. Callers’ Real-Life Overstayer Stories

• Listeners call in with their own tales:
  • Mother-in-law visiting for two weeks after the birth of a child, ending up staying six weeks and creating tension (08:37).
  • A dad and three kids come for a planned 10-day visit and end up stuck five weeks because of an injury, crowding into a two-bedroom apartment (09:29).
    • "It was like being single and happy and then marrying an invalid and his 3 eating mach." (Caller, 10:00)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jess on Fake Church (01:45):
  “Rather than risk those people spending another full day at the house.”
  (Describing the extreme lengths hosts will go to regain their privacy.)

• Amber on Calling Out Rude Behavior (04:49):
  “How come when somebody's being rude to you, if you call them out on it, you're worried about being rude?”
  (Capturing the core dilemma of hosts everywhere.)

• Danisha on Virtual Holidays (05:28):
  “Maybe that's why I believe in cyber Christmas. Because that way you just get your little laptop cameras out and say, hey, you know what? We're going to spend Christmas together online.”
  (A tongue-in-cheek solution to avoid houseguest overload.)

• Caller 1 on the 4-Day Rule (07:19):
  “I've heard this saying that friends, family, and fish are only good for four days, and after that, they gotta go.”

• Caller’s Dad’s Accident (09:29):
  “We went roller skating where dad fell and broke his leg. And they were in my little two bedroom, one bath condo for five weeks.”

• Amber on Houseguests Staying to Help (06:51):
  “Living there, living there, no problem... As soon as she left the house, I knew that we were gonna kill the baby. So stay as long as you want.”

---

Key Timestamps for Segments

• 01:30 – The “Fake Church” Strategy
• 03:14 – Should You Set Guest Boundaries in Advance?
• 04:30 – Rudeness and Host Anxiety
• 05:12 – Why Some Guests Just Don’t Get It
• 06:02 – Family Help After a Baby: Grateful or Smothered?
• 07:19 – The Four-Day Law for Guests
• 08:37 – Call: Mother-in-Law Who Overstayed
• 09:29 – Call: Five-Week Guest Due to Injury

---

Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, witty, and candid, filled with authentic, sometimes self-deprecating humor as hosts and listeners exchange stories and advice. The show maintains a light, relatable tone throughout, with moments of empathy for both beleaguered hosts and well-intentioned but oblivious guests.

---

Summary Prepared for Busy Listeners:
If you've ever agonized over how to get houseguests to take a hint or laughed at the lengths people will go (think: fake church services!) to reclaim their homes, this episode is not to be missed. From callers’ real-life sagas to the cast’s own battles with boundary-challenged relatives, it’s a goldmine of holiday hospitality horror stories—with plenty of laughs and takeaways for your next family gathering.

Transcript

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad and then the next it's no, actually carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for hers.combert to get personalized, affordable care that gets you that's f o r h e r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but go via the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A s to get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi, clinical study information and restrictions.

[Radio Host]

Visit borhears.com navigating/military challenges can be tough Regardless of when you served, you are not alone. Connect with fellow Oregon veterans and find activities, navigate resources and join a community to help support your journey or challenges after military service. From mental health support to veteran community groups and activities, discover what's possible for you at BeyondTheMilitaryUniform.com that's BeyondTheMilitaryUniform.com the first show.

[Jess]

So I was, you know, Thanksgiving weekend making the phone calls, catching up with people, talking to people, you know, friends from Arizona, friends from Syracuse, just seeing how everybody's doing. And one particular guy I spoke to was explaining to me what he was going to be doing the next morning. I was speaking to him on Saturday. He was explaining to me that on Sunday morning They have twin 1 year olds. I think baby, little babies. They are getting up. They don't go to church regularly, but they're getting up, they're getting dressed up, they're dressing the babies up and they're getting in a car and going to finger quotes church because the people who have been staying at their house over Thanksgiving are so annoying and we're supposed to leave on Saturday and, and didn't so they made up going to church on Sunday morning. And then from church they had to do some church related, oh, we're gonna be gone all day, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So to them, it was worth it to get up in the morning, dress up the two one year old twins, put them in the car seat, get dressed up in church clothes themselves, load up the car, say goodbye, and take off rather than risk those people spending another full day at the house.

[Danisha]

That's funny.

[Jess]

And that's. That's impressive. I was impressed.

[Amber]

Yeah, well, I think this is gonna be pretty common around Christmas also. It's like, how do you get the guests out of the house? They said they were gonna be there for three or four days. So what do you do? Like, I mean, do you sit them down, you don't want to offend them, or do you set the border, the parameters, before they get to the house and say, okay, great, you're gonna be here till Sunday. That sounds fantastic.

[Jess]

Well, you know what?

[Amber]

What if they just decide not to? Like, okay, you know what? Let's forget that we had that conversation. Stay on Monday and Tuesday.

[Jess]

But here's the deal. And this is a. Jess. So I don't know, you guys can. I don't know if I buy into it yet, but the problem with these people, where they drove in on Thanksgiving, the plan was for them to drive in on Thanksgiving and drive out on Saturday, because then you're missing the traffic. You know, Wednesday's the bad traffic day and Sunday's the bad traffic day. But when they drove in on. Drove home from work or whatever on Wednesday, it wasn't too bad. So after they got there, they decided to extend it till Sunday.

[Caller 1]

But.

[Jess]

But it wasn't really an ask. It was just, hey, we're gonna stay until Sunday. Guess what, we got an extra night. Blah, blah, blah. And there were other. Yeah, and I guess there were other things that were, like, borderline rude and invasive that were just kind of odd that my friend didn't know how to deal with. And this is something that Jessica and I have talked about. Jessica says in situations like that, people don't have a scale of rude. So you can say to them, hey, can you do me a favor and not drink all of the Diet Coke? Because that's all I drink. And you're giving it to your kids and they're drinking it all.

[Amber]

Wow.

[Jess]

Don't give. She thinks that's acceptable to people who behave like that. Whereas I think that if you say that to someone, then they'll turn around and give you the. Oh, my God, it's only Diet Coke. What do you want me. You know what? I'm gonna drive to the store. Hey, everybody, I'm driving to the store for Jeff because he can only have his Diet Coke. Like, I think, how come when somebody's

[Amber]

being rude to you, if you call them out on it, you're worried about being rude?

[Jess]

They can flip it back.

[Caller 2]

Why?

[Amber]

Like, if they're staying there too long or what have you. Why all of a sudden is the pressure on you to be nice about it?

[Jess]

Because some people don't.

[Danisha]

Because they don't realize they're being rude. And you know you're being rude. I think that's. Internally. That may be the difference where you.

[Caller 2]

I don't think they realize.

[Danisha]

They don't realize that they're. They're making you mad.

[Caller 2]

They're uncomfortable. I assume that it is a joy to you to have them for two more nights than what you were expecting. Like, oh, we get to bond more. We get to spend more time together. You don't really have a life that you need to attend to. You need to attend to me as your house guest.

[Amber]

That's my belief that A little close to home for you. You connected on some level there.

[Danisha]

Maybe that's why I believe in cyber Christmas. Because that way you just get your little laptop cameras out and say, hey, you know what? We're going to spend Christmas together online.

[Amber]

If we were doing a birch show, Guinness Book of worlds records, I wonder what. What number we could find as the agreed upon amount of days that your guests were gonna be there turned into. How many days did they end up staying?

[Caller 2]

I think about this with my friends that have had babies on their first babies. The mom of the mom of the mom.

[Amber]

So the grandmother.

[Caller 2]

Yes, the brand new grandmother comes and moves in for, like, weeks.

[Amber]

I'm cool. See, I was totally cool with that. Like, some moms want it, but other moms want to start, like, being on their own without the grandmother's help there. For me, it was like, stay as long as you want. We were begging Gigi to stay when she took.

[Caller 2]

I don't know, from the outside looking in. I'm like, a couple of weeks. But then after that, you're cramping my style. Like, I don't know. You gotta get out from the outside looking in. I mean, I have a friend who's about to have a baby. It's her. I think it's her first, and it's like a family friend and her Mom's moving in for a month and.

[Amber]

But they said that in the beginning, right? Totally cool with that.

[Caller 2]

This is before the baby's even born. A month.

[Amber]

Stay six months if you want. We were so scared.

[Caller 2]

But what would the different.

[Jess]

What would the timeline be? One year.

[Amber]

That's way too much.

[Jess]

That didn't take long to get burnt, I'd say.

[Amber]

You know, what? With Hayden, it was so different. We were so freaked out that she could have been in that house probably for the first six weeks to two months, and we'd have been cool with it. Living there, living there, no problem.

[Caller 2]

Every day.

[Amber]

I don't care. I don't care.

[Jess]

Every damn day.

[Amber]

As soon as she left the house, I knew that we were gonna kill the baby. So stay as long as you want.

[Danisha]

Yeah. As long as Mom's there, the baby's alive.

[Amber]

Danisha. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hello? Hello?

[Caller 2]

Hello?

[Caller 1]

So I had. I've heard this saying that friends, family, and fish are only good for four days, and after that, they gotta go.

[Amber]

Friends, family, and fish.

[Danisha]

That's what the fish do.

[Caller 1]

Things start getting really bad after four days.

[Danisha]

Fish poops in its own water. That's what a fish does.

[Jess]

I don't think she's referring to goldfish.

[Caller 2]

Like the fish you eat.

[Jess]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Like if you put it in your fridge, it's.

[Danisha]

I mean, the fish in the bowl.

[Amber]

Kind of gross to me.

[Jess]

They all start to stink after four days.

[Danisha]

Yeah, I agree with the. I don't know. But the family, for sure. Especially if you're all together in the same house. Is three for us.

[Caller 2]

It's all three.

[Amber]

Really, for you.

[Caller 2]

Two family, four days for you in your own house.

[Danisha]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller 2]

Hosting them. Yeah.

[Danisha]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

It's about the. That's about the expiration, really. Now I always feel like. And it. It always seemed this way to me, like whoever's family was coming to visit is. It's always the questions of the. Hey, where do you keep the fill in the blank here? Do you mind if I go and find the fill in the blank there? Where do you put your. Blah, blah, blah? Why don't you guys do this over? It was the questions. It was like, okay, just somebody just relax. Like, stop asking me.

[Jess]

Stop looking for stuff.

[Danisha]

Family will rearrange it on their own. Without you asking. Without asking.

[Caller 2]

Silverware is to the left of the stove.

[Amber]

I told you that. Four straight days. Hey, Brooke. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hey, I was calling because I have had the exact problem y' all are talking about with my mother in law. She came when we had our first child and was gonna leave after two weeks and it turned into six weeks and my husband finally had to tell her, you know, why don't you go home and spend some time with dad, he needs you. And then I just had to have surgery, a hysterectomy, and couldn't even ask for help because I was afraid she would stay too long.

[Caller 2]

She's like, I'd rather see.

[Amber]

I would have taken advantage of her being there and had the operations at that time because she's gonna be there, she's gonna help out hand and foot,

[Danisha]

get your food, you get your medicine.

[Amber]

If you're gonna be here, you gotta work.

[Caller 2]

But that's not even your mom. Your mother in law.

[Amber]

Hey Amber, Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Good morning. I had a good family overstaying their welcome story. We, my dad and three baby brothers came down from New York to visit this past summer and looking for fun, affordable things to do with three little kids. We went roller skating where dad fell and broke his leg.

[Jess]

Oh no.

[Caller 1]

And they were in my little two bedroom, one bath condo for five weeks.

[Caller 2]

Oh my God.

[Amber]

And initially they were supposed to be there for how long?

[Caller 1]

Like 10 days.

[Amber]

Oh wow. Five weeks.

[Caller 1]

Where we had all sorts of activities planned and things to do and five weeks of basically it was like being single and happy and then marrying an invalid in his 3 eating mach.

[Danisha]

Those walls just get smaller and smaller. Yes.

[Spinquest Advertiser]

Get it.

[Radio Host]

The Birch Show Navigating post military challenges can be tough. Regardless of when you served, you are not alone. Connect with fellow Oregon veterans and find activities, navigate resources and join a community to help support your journey or challenges after military service. From mental health support to veteran community groups and activities, discover what's possible for you at BeyondTheMilitaryUniform.com that's BeyondTheMilitaryUniform.com youm know what?

[Spinquest Advertiser]

It sucks to be bored. But when I get on my phone and play real casino games on spinquest.com, the time flies by. That two hour wait at the DMV seems like 10 minutes. Play your favorite slots. Live blackjack, live craps with a live dealer. New players. Thirty dollar coin packs are on sale for ten bucks. Play spinquest.com and you'll never be bored again.

[Radio Host]

Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Jan from Toyota]

Hey campers, it's Jan from Toyota. This summer we're headed to Camp Toyota and the fun starts now. We're kicking things off by kicking up mud. Jump in, campers. We're going off roading in a 4Runner. Next, we're heading to the hot springs in Arav 4. And finally, park your Tundras and Tacomas around the campfire because we're roasting marshmallows. There's dumber start here.

[Amber]

Dealer inventory may vary, so your participating

[Radio Host]

Toyota dealer for details.

[Jess]

Event ends June 1st.

[Amber]

Toyota. Let's go places.