The Bert Show: "Vault: They Stole From Their Parents, And They Have No Regrets"

Date: March 10, 2026
Main Theme:
The Bert Show dives into the mischievous world of childhood (and sometimes adulthood) theft—specifically, stealing from parents, and the surprisingly low (or even missing) sense of regret that often follows. Listeners and show members share candid, sometimes hilarious, sometimes jaw-dropping confessions, ranging from stolen cash to far more personal parental items, all delivered in the show's trademark funny, unfiltered style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Surprising Study & Listener Reactions

• The episode kicks off with a new study claiming "one in four kids has stolen from their parents". The hosts are skeptical, thinking the real number is probably much higher.
  • Host (01:03): “You think they're angels, right? But when you guys aren't looking, they're all up in your closet.”
  • Caller 2 (01:19): "I think one out of four is low."

2. The Credit Card "Borrower"

• Brittany, a listener calling in on the voice disguiser, admits at age 20 to regularly using her mother’s credit card (which she knows by heart) to pay her phone bill—and sometimes more.
  • Brittany (01:33): “My mom, she’ll offer to pay it, you know, because it’s her cell phone too…but, no.”
  • Host (01:50): “And your mom won’t know that you’re using her credit card to pay your bills?”
  • Brittany (01:54): “No, she doesn’t…unless it’s rent, maybe she’ll look at that.”
  • The cast laughs about the brazen confidence, with the host noting, “She never pays attention.” (02:40)

3. The Vodka-Car Combo (and Sibling Sacrifice)

• Emmy confesses to stealing both two handles of vodka and her mom’s car, hitting a tree, and blaming the damage (and the vodka theft) on her older sister.
  • Emmy (03:11): “I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom’s car to go to a party. And then I hit a tree...and then she didn’t notice for a week. And when she asked what happened, I told her she must have done something.”
  • Host (03:33): “You never took the fall for it. So you never admitted to it.”
  • Emmy (03:37): “I never admitted to it.”
  • Caller 1 (03:51): “You owe her, and she’s gonna cash in later on.”
  • Emmy shares her older sister “took the fall” and regularly reminds her of the debt, becoming family legend material.

4. Teenage Casually Sipping & Stealing

• Sarah, 14, confesses to snagging cash and sips of booze when her parents aren't home.
  • Sarah (04:38): “Pretty much…mostly just like, money, but sometimes I’ll take a couple sips or something.”
  • Sarah (04:49): “Like she’s got, like, vodka sometimes, or wine, beer.”
  • The hosts probe about frequency and peer norms, with Sarah claiming it only happens about “once a month, maybe” and confirming that “a lot” of her friends do the same (05:07).
  • She admits to only taking small amounts of cash, enough for food at local spots.

5. Hosts’ Own Confessions

• Multiple hosts drop candid stories:
  • The host admits to stealing cash at age seven and buying Hostess cupcakes for all the neighborhood kids (05:48).
    • Host (05:48): “I remember going and getting all these Hostess cupcakes for all the kids on the street and dipping into that thing all the time. All the time.”
  • Another host confesses to stealing and selling half their parents’ weed stash as a teenager, only to discover it was terrible quality:
    • Host (07:19): “I went in there one day and I found a whole stash of marijuana. Whole stash. So I took about half of it and sold it at school.”
    • Host (07:47): “I never admit to it. Yeah. So I sold it...they were all mad at me because the weed didn’t do anything except give him a headache. It was a really bad, really bad batch or something like that.”

6. Siblings: Rebels, Hustlers, & Legends

• The conversation veers into broader family dynamics:
  • One host credits their “rebel” sibling for hustling everything worth taking out of their family home (07:04).
  • Others joke about being “too scared” to take anything—except one who found their Christmas presents early and was so upset they broke down crying and confessed to their parents (09:04–09:32).

7. Listener Flip – When the Tables Turn

• A twist: Jamie calls in to reveal her stepdaughter once stole a "personal, adult item"—and briefly returned it later.
  • Jamie (10:50): “I woke up one morning to…and realized that one of my personal…an adult item was gone from the top nightstand drawer.”
  • The cast is both horrified and in stitches over the awkwardness, making jokes about whether the item was ever used again.
    • Jamie (11:16): “No.”
    • Caller 2 (11:49): “But before that you did?”
    • Jamie (11:55): "Yes."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Host (01:03): “You think they’re angels, right? But when you guys aren’t looking, they’re all up in your closet.”
• Brittany (01:33): “I only do this when she tells me I can. But…when she does, I know her credit card number by heart.”
• Emmy (04:04): “So you stole your parents vodka, you drank it, then wrapped your car around a tree, and then blamed it on your sister? …Yep.”
• Host (05:48): “I remember going and getting all these Hostess cupcakes for all the kids on the street and dipping into that thing all the time.”
• Host (07:19): “So I took about half [the weed] and sold it at school.”
• Jamie (10:50): “I woke up one morning to…and realized that one of my personal…an adult item was gone.”
• Host (08:42): “There was weed. I found a gun I didn’t even know we had in the house also.”
• Caller 2 (09:25): "I started crying and went down and confessed to them. …I was upset that I ruined my own Christmas Eve."

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:03 — Study: “One in four kids steal from parents”
• 01:33 — Brittany’s credit card confession
• 03:11 — Emmy’s vodka + car + blame story
• 04:41 — Sarah, 14, on booze and cash theft
• 05:48 — Host's childhood cupcake theft
• 07:19 — Host sells parents’ weed
• 08:42 — More things found in parents’ rooms
• 09:04-09:32 — Christmas presents discovered and confessed
• 10:50 — Jamie’s adult item saga

Tone & Style

The episode is lively, irreverent, and filled with knowing laughter and candid storytelling. The atmosphere is one of playful mischief—shame is rare, and most stories are told with a grin and a sense of family legend. It's the Bert Show at its best: digging into relatable moments, poking fun at childhood (and adult) follies, and letting listeners know they're hardly alone in their sometime larcenous ways.

For listeners who missed it:
The Bert Show’s episode on parental pilfering is a fast-paced, confessional roundtable of wild childhood stories and revealing calls. Nostalgia, humor, and eyebrow-raising honesty make for an entertaining, surprisingly comforting look at how almost everyone's halo may have a little tarnish—and how those stories become legendary in families for years to come.