Vault: They Stole From Their Parents, And They Have No Regrets

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: They Stole From Their Parents, And They Have No Regrets"

Date: March 10, 2026
Main Theme:
The Bert Show dives into the mischievous world of childhood (and sometimes adulthood) theft—specifically, stealing from parents, and the surprisingly low (or even missing) sense of regret that often follows. Listeners and show members share candid, sometimes hilarious, sometimes jaw-dropping confessions, ranging from stolen cash to far more personal parental items, all delivered in the show's trademark funny, unfiltered style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Surprising Study & Listener Reactions

• The episode kicks off with a new study claiming "one in four kids has stolen from their parents". The hosts are skeptical, thinking the real number is probably much higher.
  • Host (01:03): “You think they're angels, right? But when you guys aren't looking, they're all up in your closet.”
  • Caller 2 (01:19): "I think one out of four is low."

2. The Credit Card "Borrower"

• Brittany, a listener calling in on the voice disguiser, admits at age 20 to regularly using her mother’s credit card (which she knows by heart) to pay her phone bill—and sometimes more.
  • Brittany (01:33): “My mom, she’ll offer to pay it, you know, because it’s her cell phone too…but, no.”
  • Host (01:50): “And your mom won’t know that you’re using her credit card to pay your bills?”
  • Brittany (01:54): “No, she doesn’t…unless it’s rent, maybe she’ll look at that.”
  • The cast laughs about the brazen confidence, with the host noting, “She never pays attention.” (02:40)

3. The Vodka-Car Combo (and Sibling Sacrifice)

• Emmy confesses to stealing both two handles of vodka and her mom’s car, hitting a tree, and blaming the damage (and the vodka theft) on her older sister.
  • Emmy (03:11): “I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom’s car to go to a party. And then I hit a tree...and then she didn’t notice for a week. And when she asked what happened, I told her she must have done something.”
  • Host (03:33): “You never took the fall for it. So you never admitted to it.”
  • Emmy (03:37): “I never admitted to it.”
  • Caller 1 (03:51): “You owe her, and she’s gonna cash in later on.”
  • Emmy shares her older sister “took the fall” and regularly reminds her of the debt, becoming family legend material.

4. Teenage Casually Sipping & Stealing

• Sarah, 14, confesses to snagging cash and sips of booze when her parents aren't home.
  • Sarah (04:38): “Pretty much…mostly just like, money, but sometimes I’ll take a couple sips or something.”
  • Sarah (04:49): “Like she’s got, like, vodka sometimes, or wine, beer.”
  • The hosts probe about frequency and peer norms, with Sarah claiming it only happens about “once a month, maybe” and confirming that “a lot” of her friends do the same (05:07).
  • She admits to only taking small amounts of cash, enough for food at local spots.

5. Hosts’ Own Confessions

• Multiple hosts drop candid stories:
  • The host admits to stealing cash at age seven and buying Hostess cupcakes for all the neighborhood kids (05:48).
    • Host (05:48): “I remember going and getting all these Hostess cupcakes for all the kids on the street and dipping into that thing all the time. All the time.”
  • Another host confesses to stealing and selling half their parents’ weed stash as a teenager, only to discover it was terrible quality:
    • Host (07:19): “I went in there one day and I found a whole stash of marijuana. Whole stash. So I took about half of it and sold it at school.”
    • Host (07:47): “I never admit to it. Yeah. So I sold it...they were all mad at me because the weed didn’t do anything except give him a headache. It was a really bad, really bad batch or something like that.”

6. Siblings: Rebels, Hustlers, & Legends

• The conversation veers into broader family dynamics:
  • One host credits their “rebel” sibling for hustling everything worth taking out of their family home (07:04).
  • Others joke about being “too scared” to take anything—except one who found their Christmas presents early and was so upset they broke down crying and confessed to their parents (09:04–09:32).

7. Listener Flip – When the Tables Turn

• A twist: Jamie calls in to reveal her stepdaughter once stole a "personal, adult item"—and briefly returned it later.
  • Jamie (10:50): “I woke up one morning to…and realized that one of my personal…an adult item was gone from the top nightstand drawer.”
  • The cast is both horrified and in stitches over the awkwardness, making jokes about whether the item was ever used again.
    • Jamie (11:16): “No.”
    • Caller 2 (11:49): “But before that you did?”
    • Jamie (11:55): "Yes."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Host (01:03): “You think they’re angels, right? But when you guys aren’t looking, they’re all up in your closet.”
• Brittany (01:33): “I only do this when she tells me I can. But…when she does, I know her credit card number by heart.”
• Emmy (04:04): “So you stole your parents vodka, you drank it, then wrapped your car around a tree, and then blamed it on your sister? …Yep.”
• Host (05:48): “I remember going and getting all these Hostess cupcakes for all the kids on the street and dipping into that thing all the time.”
• Host (07:19): “So I took about half [the weed] and sold it at school.”
• Jamie (10:50): “I woke up one morning to…and realized that one of my personal…an adult item was gone.”
• Host (08:42): “There was weed. I found a gun I didn’t even know we had in the house also.”
• Caller 2 (09:25): "I started crying and went down and confessed to them. …I was upset that I ruined my own Christmas Eve."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:03 — Study: “One in four kids steal from parents”
• 01:33 — Brittany’s credit card confession
• 03:11 — Emmy’s vodka + car + blame story
• 04:41 — Sarah, 14, on booze and cash theft
• 05:48 — Host's childhood cupcake theft
• 07:19 — Host sells parents’ weed
• 08:42 — More things found in parents’ rooms
• 09:04-09:32 — Christmas presents discovered and confessed
• 10:50 — Jamie’s adult item saga

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Tone & Style

The episode is lively, irreverent, and filled with knowing laughter and candid storytelling. The atmosphere is one of playful mischief—shame is rare, and most stories are told with a grin and a sense of family legend. It's the Bert Show at its best: digging into relatable moments, poking fun at childhood (and adult) follies, and letting listeners know they're hardly alone in their sometime larcenous ways.

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For listeners who missed it:
The Bert Show’s episode on parental pilfering is a fast-paced, confessional roundtable of wild childhood stories and revealing calls. Nostalgia, humor, and eyebrow-raising honesty make for an entertaining, surprisingly comforting look at how almost everyone's halo may have a little tarnish—and how those stories become legendary in families for years to come.

Transcript

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[Host]

coming out saying one in four of your kids. One in four. I'm taking something from you guys. You think they're angels, right? But when you guys aren't looking, they're all up in your closet.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my baby. My baby's perfect. You know what? He's always been a good kid. I don't know about those other kids, but I know my kid. He would never do anything like that to me.

[Caller 2]

I think one out of four is low.

[Host]

That's what this one says. You got to think that most of them are lying on these. So it's probably more like 50%.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Host]

Brittany, you are on the voice disguiser. Good morning.

[Caller 3]

Keep my halo. I'm gonna start off by saying I only do this when she tells me I can. But my mom, one of my bills, most of the time, my phone bill. And when she does, I know her credit card number by heart. And I'll pay like four of them.

[Host]

And your mom won't know that you're using her credit card to pay your bills?

[Caller 3]

Well, my mom, financially, she's pretty well all financially. So no, she doesn't. Unless it's like, you know, like if I pay my rent or something, maybe she'll look at that.

[Host]

But don't you think that even if you asked her for the cash, she'd give it to you?

[Caller 3]

But, I mean, she'll give me the third degree about it. She'll just be like, I mean, because I work and I have, I make enough money to pay my bills. But the thing with my phone bill, it's in my name. But we have a family plan. It's just me and her, so she'll offer to pay it, you know, because it's her cell phone, too, but. No.

[Caller 4]

How old are you?

[Caller 3]

I'm actually 20.

[Host]

20.

[Caller 4]

Okay.

[Host]

And it is a family plan.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. And my name? I'll pay.

[Host]

My dad will pay. My mom will pay.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. I love it. She said, you know, I got a job. I can cover that bill. But since I know my mother's credit card name or number by heart, and I'll use it, she never pays attention.

[Peaky Blinders Narrator]

Oh, she knows.

[Host]

Hey, Jamie, do me a favor, will you hold on? Because you're gonna be my final call. You're my closer.

[Caller 5]

Okay.

[Caller 2]

All right.

[Host]

Hold on.

[Caller 2]

What's that mean?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, exactly.

[Caller 2]

I understand.

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[Caller 1]

What did he just say?

[Caller 2]

Final call. Is he gonna kill me?

[Host]

Good morning, Emmy. Hi. Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller 5]

I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom's car to go to a party. And then I hit a tree with my mom's car, drove it back into the driveway, and then she didn't notice for a week. And when she asked what happened, I told her that she must have done something, that I didn't do it.

[Host]

She didn't believe that.

[Caller 5]

I know. But then I had to blame my sister.

[Host]

You never took the fall for it. So you never admitted to it.

[Caller 5]

I never admitted to it.

[Caller 1]

How old are you now?

[Caller 5]

I'm 18.

[Caller 1]

Oh, he's still 18. Okay.

[Host]

And how old is your sister?

[Caller 4]

Wow.

[Caller 5]

She's 20.

[Host]

And did she take the fall for you?

[Caller 5]

Yeah, she did.

[Host]

She did.

[Caller 4]

Why did she do that?

[Caller 1]

You owe her, and she's gonna cash in later on.

[Caller 5]

She told me I owe her, but.

[Host]

So you stole your parents vodka, you drank it, then wrapped your car around a tree, and then blamed it on your sister?

[Caller 5]

Yep.

[Caller 2]

But what do you mean? You owe her? But what? You're not gonna.

[Caller 1]

You don't think that she'll ever ask you to?

[Caller 5]

She says the next time I ever. She ever needs anything, that I owe her money, anything.

[Caller 1]

Your sister's for life. You know that, right? This is the rest of your life.

[Caller 4]

Yeah. She's going to dangle that over her head forever.

[Caller 1]

And being the younger sister, you will always hear that story. Every Christmas. Like, eventually, when it comes out and you all can laugh about it, it will come up every holiday of what you did.

[Host]

Sarah, you're on the voice disguiser. Good morning.

[Caller 5]

Hello.

[Host]

How old are you?

[Caller 5]

I'm 14.

[Host]

14. All right. What are you stealing from your folks?

[Caller 5]

Pretty much. Mostly just like, money, but sometimes I'll take a couple sips or something.

[Host]

Like booze?

[Caller 5]

Yeah.

[Caller 4]

Like what?

[Caller 5]

Like she's got, like, vodka sometimes, or wine, beer.

[Caller 4]

When do you sip it?

[Caller 5]

When they're not home.

[Host]

Like, every day. They're not home?

[Caller 5]

No, no, no, no, no. Like once a month, maybe 14.

[Host]

Are most of your friends doing the same thing?

[Caller 5]

A lot of them are.

[Host]

Oh, it scares me. And how much cash do you think you've stolen from them over the years?

[Caller 5]

Not too much. Just like, I live near a lot of places where you can go to eat, so I'll just go grab a couple bucks sometimes to go, like, to eat somewhere.

[Host]

I found my parents cash stash also. I was probably younger than him. Yeah, must have been, because it was before I left for California, so I was probably seven.

[Caller 4]

You're dipping in.

[Caller 1]

You're stealing money at seven?

[Host]

Yeah, man. I was going through her file cabinet drawers and found a whole couple of envelopes of cash.

[Caller 4]

You realize that's one year from where your son is.

[Host]

Oh, that's terrible.

[Caller 2]

Well done.

[Host]

Oh, that's awful.

[Caller 1]

Then a year.

[Caller 4]

Hey, dipping into your cash jar.

[Host]

Man, I remember going and getting all these Hostess cupcakes for all the kids on the street and dipping into that thing all the time. All the time.

[Caller 4]

Next year, buddy.

[Host]

Good morning. Qsa

[Caller 2]

I ever stole from my parents? Only because they were broke. Like, my parents are so frugal with money that, like, everything was allocated. And, like, I think if even if I took a dollar out of my dad's wallet, he would have noticed. He would have been. He would have known. Because I just think that's the way they. They operate. They're just very budgeted and.

[Host]

How about y'?

[Caller 2]

All set?

[Caller 4]

I think I did. I remember stealing one of my dad's beers and it tasting awful. Like, thinking it was gonna, you know, it was like one of those fancy kind or whatever. And I just remember it being horrible. But I remember stashing a couple of those in a backpack before leaving to go, like, hang out with my cheerleader friends or something.

[Caller 1]

My sister was such the girl with

[Caller 2]

the beer in the backpack. Oh, Jen's here. And you take out two Old Milwaukee's Best.

[Caller 4]

No, they were like Becks or something like that.

[Caller 1]

My sister was such the rebel. And I think siblings naturally morph into something different than the other siblings. So. Yeah, I didn't. I was too scared to do anything. She'd already.

[Host]

She.

[Caller 1]

Well, my sister already cleaned the house, so there wasn't anything left. To do.

[Caller 2]

She hustled everything out of the house.

[Caller 1]

My sister hustled everything out of the house. Nothing for one to use.

[Caller 4]

I'm guessing my younger brother was that way too. I was too scared.

[Caller 2]

What do you guys help me out? I stole from my parents at 7.

[Host]

No, I got a worse one than that. Even if you really want to go confess, let's do it. I've told you about this one before though.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Host]

And again, I'm not proud of this and I would never do it now, of course, but. Yeah. When I was in high school, my parents went away for vacation. I was just one of these dudes that went in their room, had to see what was in the closet, what was in their drawers and stuff. And I went in there one day and I found a whole stash of marijuana. Whole stash. So I took about half of it and sold it at school.

[Caller 4]

No way. I did. You did.

[Host]

And it was like the foolproof plan, because what are your parents gonna do? They're gonna go, you stole my weed.

[Caller 4]

They're not gonna admit to you.

[Host]

I never admit to it. Yeah. So I sold it to a whole bunch of guys at school. And on Monday morning, I remember coming back to school and them all being mad at me because the weed didn't do anything except give him a headache. It was a really bad, really bad batch or something like that. So my plan backfired on me.

[Caller 4]

But you thought you were gonna be the cool kid.

[Host]

It was so foolproof.

[Caller 1]

Like you kept it seven, so you must have had it 17.

[Caller 2]

You must have had exciting parents. Because I can't really think of anything more boring than going through my parents room.

[Caller 5]

Oh, no.

[Caller 4]

I found my parents Joy of Sex book when I was that young and

[Caller 1]

like, oh, Harry, Harry, Harry.

[Caller 4]

It's like all illustrated and everything.

[Caller 1]

70s.

[Host]

Yeah. Do you think that book has changed over the years to where it's all trimmed down now?

[Caller 1]

I don't know. That'd be interesting to see, wouldn't it? Because the 1970s version is just gross.

[Caller 4]

I remember being shocked. I was pretty young. I shouldn't have been snooping around in there. But I was like, what is that?

[Host]

God. They would close that room door. And it was just like, it was an open invitation. Like, I'm not allowed in there. Forget about this. I gotta go in there and see what they're trying to hide. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff. There was weed. I found a gun I didn't even know we had in the house also.

[Caller 4]

Really? Yeah.

[Caller 1]

I never even searched for My Christmas presents. I was the. I. Yeah, I knew because all my friends would go find theirs. But I never did that because I didn't want to be disappointed.

[Caller 2]

I found mine by accident when I was like 12 and was so devastated that I could. Like, I started crying and went down and confessed to them like I lost it. Like it's like 12 or 13 years old. Far too old to be that affected by it. But it was something totally random that. That I knew my parents kept in their closet.

[Caller 1]

Was it the hyperventilating cry? Yeah, that one.

[Caller 2]

But I can. I mean, I can remember it pass

[Caller 1]

out before you say anything.

[Caller 2]

Almost feel the anxiety now. But I remember I was going into my parents closet for something that they kept in there. Like, I don't remember what it was. Like whatever extra box of tissue, something that I knew they kept in there. And I just remember opening the door and turning to the side where it is and seeing on the floor, like the shopping bag. And I could see the three things in there and freezing and panicking and then just starting to uncontrollably cry. And I had to go downstairs.

[Caller 1]

You're such a good kid.

[Caller 2]

And I had to go downstairs and tell him. And I'm like, you're present.

[Host]

I'm kidding. And they're trying. That's the kind of thing you'll run away from the house thinking that the punishment is going to be so bad. I'll just run away for two weeks.

[Caller 1]

Then you get to the end of

[Caller 2]

the yard to retell the story. Apparently I was more upset that I wouldn't be surprised. Like I wasn't upset that I found them and ruined their surprise. I felt I was upset that I ruined my own Christmas Eve.

[Caller 4]

You ripped off your own Christmas Eve?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Now why do I even gonna get up on the 25th? You're just gonna get drunk on Christmas Eve and sleep through it.

[Host]

Hey, Jamie. What are you stealing from your parents?

[Caller 5]

No, it's what my stepdaughter stole from me.

[Caller 2]

Ooh.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Host]

It's not a good town.

[Caller 4]

I don't like your town. Yes, ma'.

[Host]

Am.

[Caller 4]

I'm sitting up straight. Let's do it.

[Caller 1]

Yes, ma'.

[Caller 5]

Am.

[Caller 4]

What are you.

[Caller 1]

Ma'.

[Caller 5]

Am.

[Caller 2]

What do you got?

[Host]

Go ahead. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller 5]

I woke up one morning to. And realized that one of my personal. Yeah,

[Caller 1]

an adult item was gone.

[Caller 5]

Item was gone from the top nightstand drawer.

[Caller 1]

Had you used that adult item before?

[Caller 5]

Oh, please.

[Caller 2]

Have you used it since then?

[Caller 5]

No.

[Host]

And how. How old is the stepdaughter?

[Caller 5]

She was 17.

[Host]

Wow.

[Caller 5]

It was gone. And then about 30 minutes later, it reappeared.

[Caller 1]

Oh my God.

[Caller 5]

No.

[Host]

Oh no. Did you confront her on it?

[Caller 1]

Customer per item, please.

[Caller 4]

Just out of curiosity, alcohol.

[Caller 2]

Have you ever used that item with her dad?

[Caller 5]

Not after that.

[Host]

Oh, but before.

[Caller 2]

But before that you did?

[Host]

Yes.

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