Vault: They unknowingly returned to the hotel they stayed at 12 years ago.

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – "They Unknowingly Returned to the Hotel They Stayed at 12 Years Ago."

Date: May 13, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Bert Show Cast
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

In this throwback-themed episode, Bert recounts a humorous and serendipitous story about traveling to San Francisco with his partner Jessica—unwittingly booking a hotel that turned out to be the same place they’d stayed on their first trip together 12 years prior. What starts as a recollection of a less-than-ideal hotel experience becomes a tale of full-circle romance and unexpected nostalgia.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Original Trip and “Hotel Californian” Experience

• Setting the Scene: Bert describes his and Jessica’s first vacation together to San Francisco about 12 years ago. He had painstakingly researched what seemed like a great hotel—the “Hotel Californian.”
• Reality Hits: Upon arrival, the hotel turns out to be much shabbier than expected—minimalist, old, and with “a lot of international backpackers just kind of sitting around.”
  • [01:21] “It’s more hostile-ish, maybe, than it is hotel-ish.” – C
  • [01:32] “Minimalist hotel.” – C
• Room Disapproval: Bert describes the bathroom’s missing tiles, outdated plumbing, and the general rundown feel. Jessica, however, is supportive and unfazed at first.
  • [02:33] “The pipes for the toilet were the ones that went up the wall instead of like, you know…” – B
  • [02:59] “If that had happened, it wouldn’t have surprised me because it was. But Jessica’s like, it’s cool. It’s totally cool.” – B
• The Dirty Floor Incident: A memorable moment is when Jessica puts her shoes on just to cross from the bed to the bathroom because the floor is that dirty.
  • [03:26] “I actually see her putting her shoes on to walk from the bed into the bathroom. Because the floor is so nasty.” – B

2. The Upgrade – Moving to a Fancy Hotel

• Decision to Leave: The next day, Bert decides enough is enough and splurges on a nicer experience, moving to the Westin St. Francis, despite the hefty price tag.
  • [04:09] “At that point, you’re probably, what, making $17,000 or something?” – C
  • [04:12] “It was three nights. It was like $300 a night. The bill was going to be over $1,000. This seriously was going to take me a year to pay off…” – B
• Happier Ending: Jessica no longer needs shoes for the hotel floor, and the rest of their trip is far more comfortable.
  • [04:21] “Jessica doesn’t have to put her shoes on to walk across. I rescued our first trip.” – B

3. The Present Day – The Unintentional Return

• Return to San Francisco: Fast forward 12 years, the couple returns to San Francisco for a trip, this time staying only one night in a hotel they had not personally chosen.
• The Nostalgic Request: Bert asks their driver if they could swing by the “Hotel Californian” for old time’s sake, joking about taking a picture in the lobby.
• The Twist:
  • The driver reveals, “Hotel Californian? … It’s where you’re staying. … Some company came in like six years ago and bought it and renovated the whole thing. And it’s the same exact hotel.” – Driver, relayed by B [06:02]
  • The once rundown “Hotel Californian” has become the “Serrano,” recently renovated and now a beautiful hotel.

4. Full Circle & Reflections

• A Romantic Coincidence: The cast comments on the odds and the romance of returning—accidentally—to the site of their first adventure.
  • [06:35] “What a cool, like romantic coincidence.” – C
• Nostalgia and Memory: Bert recalls small details, like the stairs where backpackers once sat and where Jessica had needed shoes to cross the floor.
  • [06:53] “Like this is where you put your shoes on to walk across the floor.” – C
• Gratitude and Destiny: The cast reflects on the serendipity of the moment, especially since Bert didn’t even book the hotel this time.
  • [06:55] “I remember this place. Sure. That’s like a destination. I knew Burr would like that one cause…it’s also destiny that you guys had the driver that knew the history of it, too.” – C

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Hotel Disappointments:

  • [01:21] “It’s more hostile-ish, maybe, than it is hotel-ish.” – C
  • [03:26] “I actually see her putting her shoes on to walk from the bed into the bathroom. Because the floor is so nasty.” – B

• On Taking Care of His Partner:

  • [04:21] “Jessica doesn’t have to put her shoes on to walk across. I rescued our first trip.” – B

• On Serendipity:

  • [06:35] “What a cool, like romantic coincidence.” – C

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:30–02:33]: The story of the original “Hotel Californian”—expectation vs. reality
• [02:33–04:21]: The decision to leave and upgrade to the Westin
• [04:21–06:00]: Setting up the present-day scenario—returning to San Francisco
• [06:00–06:55]: The reveal: The new hotel is actually the old hotel, now transformed
• [06:55–end]: Reflections, nostalgia, and full-circle realizations

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Tone & Takeaways

The tone is conversational, funny, and nostalgic—packed with the self-deprecating humor and realness that The Bert Show is known for. Bert’s story is both a comedic warning about online hotel booking and a sweet reminder that life sometimes brings you unsuspectingly back to where you started, this time with more experience and better luck.

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Perfect for:
Listeners who enjoy authentic, funny life stories, and anyone who loves hearing about travel mishaps that become cherished memories. Whether you’re a longtime Bert Show fan or a newcomer, this episode wraps humor, romance, and cosmic coincidence all into one feel-good segment.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

The Birch show so Jessica and I flew into San Francisco on Friday, and it is only my second time in San Francisco.

[C]

It's a great city, man.

[B]

Yeah, it was fun. And the first time we were there, Jessica's been there a couple. I don't think she's been there a ton, but she used to have a friend who lived there. And when she lived out in Arizona, it's obviously much easier. It's a five hour flight from Atlanta. So I went up there once when I lived in Arizona because a guy I worked with was getting married, and I was in his wedding, and he was like, I think it's. Is Modesto the town that's up that way or Merced?

[C]

It's not Modesto. Not up that far.

[B]

Okay. I don't know. Wherever it was, we flew into San Francisco, and then we drove like 90 minutes out, went to his wedding, and then spent a couple days in San Francisco. And it was the first vacation Jessica and I went on together.

[C]

Oh, yeah. So, and how many years ago Was that?

[B]

Probably 12 ish. So we go to San Francisco, and I figure it all out. This is gonna be a great trip. And I get on the Internet and I find this hotel. It's called the Californian. The Hotel Californian. That looks great. And it talks about where it is and on the maps and, you know, you didn't have Google Maps and stuff back then. But I was doing the research. First trip, it's important, right? And we get to San Francisco, and we get to the hotel. We pull up in front. You know, we had the rental car. Looked kind of seedy. Mm. But that's all right. We're gonna work through this. And we walk in together, and in the lobby, there's a lot of seediness. It's just an older hotel. Plastic furniture. No. Like a lot of dark. Lot of international backpackers just kind of sitting around. Okay.

[C]

So it's more hostile. Ish, maybe than it is hotelish.

[B]

Yeah, that would be a word that you would maybe use to describe this hotel that I carefully researched for my first vacation. Pretty raw girl I was dating. But that's all right. We worked through it.

[C]

Minimalist hotel.

[B]

Yeah. So we go up to the room and everything's cool. But the room is definitely old school hotel, you know what I'm saying? Like, couple of the little tiny tiles missing out of the bathroom floor. Like, I think the pipes for the toilet were the ones that went up the wall instead of like, you know,

[C]

it's like they took a picture of another hotel in the rooms and then put it on their website because the hotel doesn't look anything like it does on the Internet.

[B]

If that had happened, it wouldn't have surprised me because it was. But Jessica's like, it's cool. It's totally cool. So we go to bed. That's when she still likes. You're in love.

[C]

And it doesn't matter where we are, honey, so long as we are together.

[B]

So in the middle of the night, Jessica gets up to go to the bathroom. And I feel the bed move because, you know, it's about the thickness of a laptop.

[C]

And this is 12 years ago, right? This is not the current trip?

[B]

No, not the current. So I open one eye and I actually see her putting her shoes on to walk from the bed into the bathroom because the floor is so nasty.

[C]

So I called, but it's okay. Cause we're together.

[B]

Well, I made the executive decision that this was not acceptable and I'm gonna take care of things. And we packed up the next morning and checked out of that hotel and walked up the street to the Westin Sir Francis, which is one of the nicest hotels in San Francisco. And I handed over my credit card. I literally may have been shaking. This may have been the. To this point, may have been the largest thing that I had ever put on my credit card.

[C]

At that point. You're probably, what, making $17,000 or something?

[B]

It was three nights. It was like $300 a night. The bill was going to be over $1,000. This seriously was going to take me a year to pay off. I did the math in my head. I didn't like anything about it, but I had to do it right. So I pay and we check into the west in St. Francis and. And all is good. We got beautiful. I mean, heavenly bed. It's westy, you know what I mean? We chill out, we walk around. Jessica doesn't have to put her shoes on. She doesn't have to put her shoes on to walk across. I rescued our first trip. And fast forward 12 years. That certainly did not impact us, that we're homeowners now. We're making our car payments. We're okay. You're doing better now. Recovered from that situation. So we fly into San Francisco on Friday and we get into the car at the airport. We didn't have. It wasn't a rental car, we had a car service. We get in the car at the airport and we're driving into town and we're having a conversation with the driver and talking about a bunch of different things. And we say to the driver, hey, if we're going to be in the vicinity, because there's a part of San Francisco called Union Square and that's where the Weston St. Francis is or Sir Francis. That's where the Hotel Californian was. And that's what our hotel was near. I said, I know there's a ton of one way streets and we're kind of getting rush hour y but if there is a route that takes us past the Hotel Californian, we would like to see it. When you get all nostalgic, we made the joke that we would go back and like take a picture in the lobby because I'm sure we have one from 12 years ago. And he goes, hotel California? And I go, yeah. And he goes, it's where you're staying. And I said, I'm sorry, what? And he goes, the Hotel Californian's now the Serrano, that's where you're staying. And I said, are you serious? And he goes, yeah. Some company came in like six years ago and bought it and renovated the whole thing. And it's the same exact hotel.

[C]

You must have been freaking out.

[B]

Like, oh no, it was beautiful.

[C]

Oh, it was.

[B]

We walked in and it became completely

[C]

been a weird full circle in a

[B]

city of probably, what, a thousand hotels or whatever. And here's the deal. We had nothing to do with this reservation. Like, we're usually pretty picky about hotels, like on vacations and stuff, but we're only gonna be staying in that hotel for one night. Somebody else made the reservations. It was near someplace that we had to be. They did it. I didn't even look into it. I just. They said it's a great hotel, it's fairly new, you're gonna love it.

[C]

What a cool, like romantic coincidence.

[B]

As soon as we walked in, remember the layout of the. Like there's stairs that go up to the top, you know, like two floors, like right in front of you. And. And I remember I have in my mind the backpackers like sitting on the stairs, just chilling.

[C]

Like this is where you put your shoes on to walk across the floor.

[B]

I remember this place. Sure. That's like a destination. I knew Burr would like that one cause it's you know, and it's also destiny that you guys had the driver that knew the history of it, too. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome story. And we did walk to the west end. I can't remember if it's sir or saint, but we walked to that west end. And I do remember making that walk with our little Pole, you know, travel bags up the street, the Birch Show.