Vault: Thirty things to do before 30

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Thirty Things to Do Before 30"

Release Date: May 27, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Melissa, Katie, Wendy, and more

---

Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, The Bert Show crew dives into a tongue-in-cheek list of "Thirty Things to Do Before 30" as sourced from an online poll by Frisky. The team shares personal experiences, playful banter, and plenty of laughs as they debate which items from the list really matter and which ones they're still working on ticking off. From wardrobe choices to adult milestones—serious and not-so-serious—the conversation reflects on how adulthood isn't about perfection, but about self-awareness, growth, and the power of friendship (plus, knowing your favorite drink doesn't hurt).

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Clothes and Self-Acceptance

• [01:30] The show opens with the first item: owning clothes that fit your current body, not who you were five years ago.
  • Host: “Now I’m 32 and there’s a few things on here that just haven’t happened for me yet.”
  • Katie admits: she still keeps jeans from high school, hoping to fit into them someday.
  • Melissa notes: “Women do tend to do this, don’t they?”

Managing Adult Responsibilities

• [03:00] Discussion about always having enough toilet paper.
  • Host: “You need to always have enough toilet paper.”
  • The group laughs over running out and substitutes (Kleenex, etc.), highlighting how small things signal growing up.
  • Bert jokes: “I use emails, usually from Tracy and Bert. Print them all out and leave them in a little box.”

Relationships, Sex, and Maturity

• [04:23] Knowing and trusting a hairstylist is equated with maturity.
• [04:34] The group awkwardly broaches “the big O” and having a go-to fantasy/song/movie that gets you “in the mood.”
  • Host: “You don’t like to talk about sex life at all because...your aunt and uncle listen.”
  • Bert interjects with a shocking joke, adding to the group's playful, irreverent tone.

Owning Your Preferences & Health

• [06:32] Key items before 30: health insurance, a signature drink, a healthy relationship with parents, and wearing the correct bra size.
  • Host shares: “I was wearing the wrong size forever until I went to Intimacy...and then you wear the right ones, you’re like, ‘Oh, this is what it’s supposed to feel like.’” [07:04]
  • Wendy struggles: “I just don’t want to go in somewhere and have them measure me.” [06:56]
  • The group notes how most women don’t wear the right size and how awkward or revealing fittings feel.
  • Signature drinks are debated; Wendy points out that favorite drinks evolve with life phases.

Healthy Relationships & Family

• [08:07] Wendy urges the importance of cultivating a healthy relationship with your parents as you mature:
  • Wendy: “...what a lot of women don’t strive for as much as they should is the good relationship with your parents. Because you’re no longer a teenager. You can’t gripe, you can’t whine, you can’t complain anymore. You’re an adult.”

At-Home Entertaining and Hangover Prevention

• [08:41] Must-haves for entertaining: keeping enough alcohol on hand for surprise guests.
  • Katie: Only keeps a big bottle of wine in the fridge.
• [09:00] Emergency hangover remedies: Host swears by McDonald's fountain Coke.
  • Host: “It’s from nowhere else. Like it will not work unless it is a McDonald’s large fountain.” [09:09]
• Melissa shares: her wife’s go-to is Quarter Pounders after a big night out.

Adult Milestones and Good Friends

• [09:52] More milestones: voter registration, a reliable set of “adult” clothes (LBD, flattering jeans, great heels, and a cute hat), and yearly gynecological appointment.
  • Host: “A wardrobe that includes a perfectly flattering little black dress...and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day.” [09:59]

Life Logistics

• [10:15] Recognizing the need for reliable movers.
  • Host: “If your friend calls you…you can say, ‘guess who I can tell you to call’...and then you don’t spend your Saturday moving her.”
  • Bert jokes: “Just pick a number and follow it by ‘Men with a Truck.’”

Last-Minute Essentials

• [10:54] Rapid-fire list of more “before 30” musts:
  • Retirement fund
  • Commitment to exercise
  • Favorite position (left unexplored)
  • Good BS detector
  • Vacation to look forward to every year
• Wendy & Katie: Prefer road trips over flying for their annual getaways.

Friendship & Empowerment

• [11:19] Final three:
  • The gumption to ask a man out
  • A group of girlfriends “who get it”
  • And, in true Bert Show fashion, “a great vibrator”
  • The show ends on a classic note of laughter and mild awkwardness:
    • Melissa: “Oh, dang.” [11:25]
    • Bert: “Well, that’s a note we’re gonna leave on, huh?” [11:28]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On holding onto old jeans:
  • Katie: “I’m going to get back in them.” [02:30]
  • Host: “By the time you’re 30, have to buy your size that you are now.” [02:32]
• On running out of toilet paper:
  • Host: “You use other things bachelorette style.” [03:15]
  • Bert: “I use emails... Print them all out and leave them in a little box.” [04:17]
• On signature drinks as you age:
  • Wendy: “I think that the signature drink...It’s definitely not consistent for me.” [07:33]
• On healthy parent relationships:
  • Wendy: “You’re no longer a teenager...you’re an adult, so you have to be an adult, you know what I mean?” [08:07]
• On must-have hangover remedies:
  • Host: “It’s from nowhere else. Like it will not work unless it is a McDonald’s large fountain.” [09:09]
• On grown-up logistics:
  • Bert: “Just pick a number and follow it by ‘Men with a Truck.’” [10:39]
• Final list item:
  • Melissa: “Oh, dang.” [11:25]
  • Bert: “Well, that’s a note we’re gonna leave on, huh?” [11:28]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:30] – Introduction of the “Thirty Before 30” list
• [02:10] – Clothes that fit your current self
• [03:00] – Always have enough toilet paper
• [04:23] – Hairstylists and “the big O” conversation
• [06:32] – Health insurance, signature drink, parent relationships, correct bra size
• [08:41] – Alcohol for guests and hangover cures
• [09:52] – Essential adult wardrobe, doctor visits, moving companies
• [10:56] – Rapid-fire: retirement funds, vacations, BS detector
• [11:19] – Last three: ask guys out, good girlfriends, vibrator

---

Tone & Style

The episode is a mix of playful, sometimes cheeky banter and genuine advice, maintaining a fast-paced, relatable, and very “real” energy. The hosts oscillate between joking, sharing embarrassing confessions, and earnestly reflecting on what really matters as you move through your twenties and into your thirties.

---

Summary:
A hilarious and heartfelt look at the (serious and silly) things you're "supposed" to figure out by 30—with The Bert Show’s trademark mix of authenticity, gentle roasting, and infectious friendship. Whether you’re in your twenties or already past these milestones, this episode serves up both laughs and reassurance for wherever you are on the journey.

Transcript

[Advertisement Narrator 1]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad and then the next it's no, actually carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for hers.combert to get personalized affordable care that gets you that's F O R h e r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but go via the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A s To get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions, visit borhears.com Whether it's slots

[Advertisement Narrator 2]

or live dealers, Spinquest.com has the fun and action you're looking for with Spinquest exclusives. Blackjack, roulette, baccarat and even live dice with craps and bubble craps. The games never stop so you don't have to. And right now new users get $30 coin packs for just 10 bucks. Play [e-mail] SpinQuest is a free to

[Advertisement Disclaimer Voice]

play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Host]

The first show so we've got this list of the 30 things you need to do before the age of 30. Okay. Now I'm 32 and there's a few things on here that just haven't happened for me yet.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Host]

And so I'm wondering if you guys agree with this or not or maybe have something to add to it if you do. 404-741-Q100 these are the things that you really should know how to do or have before you turn the age of 30.

[Melissa]

And this is according to who?

[Host]

This is according to an online poll called Frisky Frisky get out of yes. So it's a frisky list. Just FYI little warning there. All right, so number one on the list is the clothes that fit that she is now, not the size she was five years ago.

[Wendy]

Say that again.

[Host]

Clothes that fit the size the woman is now, not the size she was five years ago.

[Melissa]

Women do tend to do this, don't they?

[Wendy]

So in my closet, clothes that fit me now. Yes, I agree with that. Yes. Because I think that we hold on to 18 for too long and we're never going to be.

[Host]

You're shaking your head, Wendy.

[Katie]

Yeah, I can't do that yet.

[Host]

So you have 30, though, holding on to them.

[Katie]

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get back in them.

[Host]

Okay. By the time you're 30, have to buy your size that you are now.

[Melissa]

How old are some of the jeans or some of the clothes that you have in your closet that you're sure you're getting back into?

[Katie]

Well, they're from high school, senior year.

[Melissa]

So. Is that one size difference?

[Katie]

I think so. One or two? I don't know. I have to go back and try to fit in them.

[Host]

But you haven't. Yeah, pretty soon.

[Katie]

I can't even try them on right now because I'll be embarrassed because they don't fit.

[Host]

You got several years, but few more years from now, they need to all go to Goodwill.

[Katie]

Maybe.

[Melissa]

Hold on.

[Host]

Okay, number two, if it's the 30 before 30 series, a weekly income that covers the rent or mortgage payment.

[Wendy]

Absolutely.

[Host]

You need to always have enough toilet paper.

[Wendy]

Oh, I'm bad about that.

[Melissa]

If you're 30. Why? If you're under 30, a lot of times you just run out.

[Host]

You just run out and that's gonna hurt. You use other things bachelorette style.

[Katie]

I'm bad about that.

[Advertisement Narrator 2]

Are you?

[Katie]

I am terrible. So, yeah, I run out of toilet paper and I'm like, well, where's the Kleenex? I mean, you're screwed.

[Melissa]

I'm always a little surprised how much tissue paper you guys go through. A lot of tissue.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Women, man.

[Host]

Lot of tissue.

[Wendy]

Kleenex or toilet paper?

[Melissa]

Well, it's toilet paper.

[Wendy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Katie]

Well, y' all can just drip.

[Melissa]

What?

[Bert]

Stop.

[Wendy]

Y' all don't need to. We have to use toilet paper every time we go. Every time, regardless of what we're doing.

[Host]

And it's gotta be the good stuff, too. Like, I think not only should you not be running out of toilet paper, but you need to have your brand that you always buy, the one that you like.

[Melissa]

What's your brand?

[Host]

It's like Cottonelle aloe vera with no

[Wendy]

edges with the double Stitching in it?

[Host]

I think so.

[Melissa]

Do you guys know your brand?

[Katie]

I just buy Charmin. Whatever.

[Melissa]

Melissa, I bet you have that generic one that just says toilet paper.

[Wendy]

Probably Scott brand. Yeah.

[Katie]

I don't know.

[Host]

Feels like sandpaper. You wipe with it.

[Bert]

I use emails, usually from Tracy and Bert.

[Host]

Right.

[Bert]

Print them all out and leave them in a little box.

[Host]

They say before 30, you. You should have a hairstylist that you trust and you should have the big. Oh, my God, yes. I mean, I think a lot more times than. Yeah.

[Bert]

Bert looked at Wendy and then decided that he's not going to say anything.

[Host]

I'll ask you to click. Have you been there? Have you experienced one?

[Katie]

Possibly.

[Melissa]

Possibly.

[Host]

You don't like to talk about sex

[Advertisement Narrator 2]

life at all because

[Bert]

it's her hometown.

[Host]

My aunt.

[Katie]

Uncle listens. From the South.

[Wendy]

She grew up here. We didn't.

[Host]

So I know it does make it more difficult.

[Melissa]

I can't even look at her.

[Host]

Can you just nod yes or no? Why?

[Wendy]

I'm assuming yes. I'm just assuming. I'm not even gonna ask her, but I think.

[Bert]

Which uncle was it that you're nervous about?

[Melissa]

The one that gave it to her.

[Bert]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Katie]

Oh, my God.

[Host]

Are you kidding me?

[Melissa]

I like being a guy, okay?

[Host]

He can kick your ass. Okay, Also on this 30 before 30 list is you should have a favorite song. Adult website image. Movie or fantasy that always gets you in the mood. I'm not sure I heard that.

[Katie]

Wait, what?

[Melissa]

Like a fantasy that gets you in the mood or something that gets you all revved up before the actual race.

[Bert]

Like Saw four?

[Wendy]

Like a thought.

[Melissa]

Like what?

[Bert]

Saw four?

[Melissa]

Yeah, right.

[Host]

Just like that.

[Bert]

Jack or spongebob.

[Melissa]

Melissa.

[Wendy]

Well, I think, like with the fantasy things. We've talked about this before. The stranger. Stranger things. So stranger danger. The scenarios are different. Like, I can't. I always. I couldn't focus on a person because especially, I mean, if it's not Katie, it's a stranger. Because, I mean, even when I was single, I couldn't focus on a person because then I'd be embarrassed, you know, if I ever saw them blush the

[Host]

next day or whatever.

[Wendy]

But yeah, the whole stranger situations, you

[Bert]

know, like the elf on the shelf.

[Wendy]

Well, now, now can you turn off

[Host]

his microphone so we can get through?

[Katie]

Yes.

[Wendy]

Bert made the worst joke.

[Host]

Yeah, Bert, look at how high pitched I am.

[Wendy]

That means I'm mad at you.

[Host]

Okay, Bad joke maker. Shocker.

[Bert]

You just say stuff to shock people.

[Host]

Before 30, you should have health insurance, a signature drink, a healthy Relationship with your parents and bras in the correct size.

[Melissa]

That's a lot to take in.

[Host]

The bras is important.

[Katie]

You should know that in your 20s.

[Melissa]

You guys all have. Isn't it like 90% of women don't wear.

[Wendy]

I'm one of them. I don't get good bras.

[Melissa]

Too big or too small.

[Wendy]

Um, I guess.

[Host]

I don't know. You're probably not the correct size around.

[Wendy]

I don't know. I just don't want to go in somewhere and have them measure me.

[Melissa]

Do you have that indentation thing when you take your bra off?

[Wendy]

Yeah, I just can't. I can't.

[Host]

I was wearing the wrong size for forever until I went to intimacy.

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Host]

Remember I was telling you guys about that last year, and they. I mean, it is kind of embarrassing because they full on. Measure you, and you're full on. Hey, hanging out.

[Wendy]

That's why I'm not going.

[Host]

But they're real discreet about it, and then they really help you get into the right ones. And then you wear the right ones. You're like, oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like.

[Wendy]

So this one. Better have it done.

[Host]

Yeah, it's great. You guys have a signature drink. Mm, mm, mm.

[Katie]

I'm just drinking it all.

[Bert]

Yeah, Wendy's. Like, whatever the guy in front of me is gonna buy.

[Wendy]

Well, the thing is, I think it changes, like, if you. I mean, cause different phases, you have different drinks. So I think that the signature drink, it doesn't. I don't think it's consistent. Definitely not consistent for me.

[Melissa]

Like, what is. Is there an older woman's drink? Like, when I look at dudes that are drinking, like, MANHATTANS, they're, like 55 years old. Are there older women's drinks that are standards?

[Host]

A Tom Collins sounds old to me. I don't even know what's in it. Just the name of it sounds old.

[Katie]

I don't know how it is either. I don't know.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Wendy]

I don't know if they're. Yeah, I don't know.

[Host]

I'm a goose and tonic. That's my signature. Okay, let's see.

[Wendy]

But I want to go back to the healthy relationship with parents. I do think that's important before you're 30, because I think that shows maturity. Like, I think the toilet paper one and the, you know, all the other ones are kind of a sign of. That you're kind of getting your life together financially. That if you have enough toilet paper, you know, you're thinking about going to groceries. Because you have the money to get groceries. Because you're not going paycheck to paycheck. But I think that what a lot of women don't strive for as much as they should is the good relationship with your parents. Because you're no longer teenager. You can't gripe, you can't whine, you can't complain anymore. You're an adult, so you have to be an adult. You know what I mean? So I think that was an important one. We kind of breezed over.

[Host]

Also on the list, enough alcohol in her home to offer drop by guests a cocktail.

[Melissa]

Do you, Wendy, I imagine you have like two big bottles of something and then there's nothing else.

[Katie]

Actually all I have in my fridge is a bottle of wine. But it's a big bottle of unopened wine right now.

[Melissa]

Big box.

[Katie]

No, it's actually a full on bottle. I love my wine.

[Host]

Also an Emergency hangover remedy. McDonald's fountain Coke, period.

[Melissa]

Let's do it for you right now.

[Bert]

Is there something weird about that?

[Host]

Must have. It's from nowhere else. Like it will not work unless it is a McDonald's large fountain.

[Melissa]

Stacey, it's quarter Pounders. I told you. I hope she didn't get mad at me for this. We had a long weekend a couple of weekends ago. And state, my wife went through four Quarter pounders in one weekend.

[Host]

Yeah, you shouldn't say that.

[Bert]

But y' all know she gonna kick you in the moose.

[Melissa]

Hopefully she's working out right now.

[Host]

Better protect that Kamehameha dude.

[Bert]

You can't follow up with that. And hopefully she's working out right now.

[Melissa]

No, I didn't say hopefully. Well, hopefully in that she didn't hear it.

[Host]

She's listening.

[Bert]

Boy, did my wife eat big the other week. You wonder why she smokes. It's cause her husband's an A hole.

[Host]

This is the 30 before 30 series. You have to have a voter registration card before you're 30.

[Wendy]

Yes, check.

[Host]

A wardrobe that includes a perfectly flattering little black dress, a great pair of heels, jeans that make your butt look great, and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day.

[Wendy]

Check, check.

[Host]

Oops. Check, check, check, check. A yearly appointment with your gyno.

[Katie]

Yes, yes, check.

[Host]

The name of reliable movers to give to her friends when they ask for help relocating.

[Melissa]

That's a smart one right there.

[Katie]

Reliable movers.

[Host]

If your friend calls you to say, hey, you know, little bellow calls you up and says, hey, I need your help moving into my new post apartment, you can say, guess who I Can tell you to call.

[Katie]

Oh, I don't have one of those yet.

[Host]

Call these people right here. And then you don't spend your Saturday moving her.

[Melissa]

That's solid right there. That's really good advice.

[Bert]

If you want to confidently answer that. Just pick a number and follow it by. Men with a truck. There's always a moving company. Eight men with a truck.

[Host]

Okay, it's two men with a truck.

[Bert]

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

[Host]

Okay. Do you want me to highlight a couple more of these that are on here?

[Melissa]

Only if you can do it quickly.

[Host]

A retirement fund, a commitment to exercise, a favorite position, a good BS detector. A vacation to look forward to once a year.

[Melissa]

You don't do that enough.

[Katie]

The vacation.

[Melissa]

And Melissa. You don't do that enough. I don't think either.

[Wendy]

Um, well, the thing is, Katie and I hate to fly. The thing is, we do take road trips. We do road trips every year. I'm starting it.

[Katie]

I started it this year with birthday trip. So that'd be yearly.

[Host]

Three more. The gumption to ask a man out on your own, a group of girlfriends who get it, and a great vibrator.

[Melissa]

Oh, dang.

[Bert]

Well, that's a note we're gonna leave on, huh?

[Host]

Okay, we're good.

[Melissa]

Not even looking at Wendy.

[Host]

Not even looking at it.

[Advertisement Narrator 2]

Get it?

[Advertisement Disclaimer Voice]

The Birch show.

[Advertisement Narrator 2]

You know what? It sucks to be bored. But when I get on my phone and play real casino games on spinquest.com, the time flies by. That two hour wait at the DMV seems like 10 minutes. Play your favorite slots. Live blackjack, live craps with a live dealer. New players. 30 coin packs are on sale for 10 bucks. Play spinquest.com and you'll never be bored again.

[Advertisement Disclaimer Voice]

Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Hello. Se quentre las marcas quelos pros prefieren a precios que combienen ahora di esporiento en madera. Compuesta palaterrasa de stilos personalizadas parentradas interiores y contra tormentas. Todo directo la obra paraquetos projecto Cigan en Marcha nuestra Estaki and Los Angeles.

[Lowe's Advertisement Narrator]

During Memorial Day at Lowe's. Shop Household must haves for less. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 Burner Grill to Chef up something special. Plus get up to 45% off. Select major appliances to keep things fresh. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Lowe's. We help you Save. Valid through 527, while supplies last selection varies by location. See lowe's.com for details.

[Advertisement Narrator 1]

Visit your nearby Lowes.

[Host]

It.