Vault: This Guy Is Dying To Get Into His First fight

Summary

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The Bert Show: “Vault: This Guy Is Dying To Get Into His First Fight”

Air Date: November 7, 2025
Host: David, with co-hosts Melissa, Jeff, Jamie, and guests
Main Guest: Stephen (listener emailer with a dilemma)

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the funny and relatable dilemma of Stephen, a 34-year-old man who’s itching to get into his first real fight — as an adult! The Bert Show crew dissects Stephen’s frustration with a persistent antagonist in his social and professional circles. The team explores masculinity, conflict management, and how childish confrontations can follow us into adulthood, all while keeping the tone light, authentic, and playful.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Stephen’s Background & The Dilemma

• Stephen writes in about a guy he dislikes so much that he now seriously considers fighting him, despite not having been in a fight since childhood.
• They interact at overlapping social events and now increasingly at work due to new professional overlap.
• The mutual animosity centers on a history of minor slights, a broken table at a party, and ongoing petty grievances.

“I don’t know if you’re the right person… I have a situation going on in my life that I could use some perspective on. I’m a 34-year-old man and there’s another adult male I dislike so much, I’m actually thinking about fighting this guy.” — Stephen (01:26)

2. Origins of the Grudge

• The bad blood started with a roughhousing incident where Stephen accidentally broke a table. While he paid for damages, the other man held a grudge, stirring drama and embarrassing Stephen.
• The antagonistic man is described as a social instigator, quick with flippant remarks and seemingly intent on public embarrassment.

“He’s the kind of guy that jokes around a lot but doesn’t know quite when to stop. And for some reason, it really bothers me.” — Stephen (03:21)

3. Prepping for a Potential Fight

• Stephen admits to recently taking out his old boxing heavy bag, training “just in case.”
• The team pokes fun at the idea of an adult fight at a dressed-up event, offering advice on removing ties and jackets for maximum efficiency (and minimum risk).

“Someone hold my jacket… Take off the tie because they can grab it and pull you in with it.” — Jeff (04:40)

4. Masculinity, Anxiety, and Humor

• The hosts reflect humorously on the childish nature of wanting to fight, yet acknowledge the visceral feelings behind it.
• Stephen reveals he’s so nervous about seeing the guy at the upcoming event that he “dry heaved” that morning.

“I woke up this morning and… I dry heaved because I was so nervous about this tonight.” — Stephen (06:59)

5. The Spousal Perspective

• Stephen’s wife, by contrast, is “nice and white bread,” can’t relate to the need for confrontation, and suggests skipping the event.
• His guilt about potentially affecting their social life adds another layer of stress.

6. Predicting the Showdown

• The hosts offer hilarious (and sincere) predictions for the night:
  • David and some predict a heated, public confrontation without real violence.
  • Jeff and Melissa think drinks, tempers, and proximity will lead to an actual fight—possibly right there at the event.
  • Jamie suggests the antagonist will back down when faced with Stephen’s seriousness.

“You’re gonna have some stuff to drink… he’s going to say some smarmy comment… I think the shoves and first punches are going to be thrown right there—right next to the table.” — Melissa (13:04)

7. What to Say After (If He Wins)!

• The crew helps Stephen script a cheesy, action-hero exit line for after the hypothetical melee.
• Stephen delivers his best “tough guy” send-off live on-air for feedback.

“I got your award, punk, and it’s me kicking your ass. Then I’m gonna go home and make love to my wife.” — Stephen (13:57)

8. Lighthearted Finale and Listener Engagement

• The segment ends on a comedic, supportive note, with plans to check in after the event.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Melissa: “So, here’s my question — you think you can take him?” (04:47)
• Stephen: “In preparation, I have, like, a heavy bag… Been using it every day.” (04:50)
• Host: “You have to loosen the tie before you go after.” (04:37)
• Stephen: “I dry heaved because I was so nervous about this tonight.” (06:59)
• Jamie: “I think he’s gonna see how angry you are, and he’s gonna back himself out of it… you’re gonna end up hugging it out.” (12:29)
• Melissa: “You gotta practice the line now. You gotta practice it on us!” (13:45)
• Stephen (in character): “I got your award, punk, and it’s me kicking your ass.” (13:57)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Stephen Introduces His Dilemma: 01:06 – 02:44
• The Table Incident & Origins of Bad Blood: 02:50 – 03:41
• The Upcoming Event & Anxiety: 04:42 – 07:19
• Advice from Hosts & Predictions: 10:09 – 13:18
• The Tough-Guy Exit Line (Stephen’s Practice): 13:31 – 14:12

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Tone, Language, and Takeaways

The tone remains trademark Bert Show — authentic, slightly irreverent, and warmly supportive. The hosts toggle between heartfelt life advice, tongue-in-cheek machismo, and classic morning-show banter. Stephen’s awkward yet earnest predicament resonates, making the episode both a comedic highlight and a surprisingly empathetic look at big emotions and unresolved tensions in adulthood.

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Summary for New Listeners:
If you’ve ever wanted to confront someone who just knows how to push your buttons, or wondered how adulthood sometimes still feels like the schoolyard, this episode delivers big laughs and genuine advice in equal measure. The episode is a perfect blend of relatable drama, witty commentary, and the catharsis of saying what you wish you could say.

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Transcript

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[Host (David)]

The Birch Show Hey, I don't even know what your name is.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

Steve.

[Stephen]

Yeah, Steve. How you doing?

[Host (David)]

Ready to kick some ass, huh? Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna. I am going. Give me a second here because I want to read your email. Tracy forwarded this to me, so hold on a second because I got to pull it up. And when did you send this to her?

[Stephen]

I don't know. I guess maybe three days ago. Two or three days ago.

[Host (David)]

So random. But here's the email. My name is Stephen. I don't know if you're the correct person this went to. Tracy, I don't know if you're the correct person to get in touch with, but I have a situation going on in my life that I could use some other perspective on. I'm a 34 year old man and there's another adult male I dislike so much. I'm actually thinking about fighting this guy. I haven't been in a fight in years, like since I was a kid. Anyway, this guy gets me so angry. We occasionally work together, sort of. We sometimes interact at the same social events and we have a mutual friend or two. Nobody especially close to either of us, but I know we do know some of the same people. Anyway, I really think about clobbering this guy. I think he wants to fight too. I'm curious, do people still arrange fights? Like back in the school days? There's my cell phone. I'd love to hear what the bird show says and what the listeners think and then get their advice so, hell, maybe we'll even get the guy on the air and see why he's a jerk to me all the time. So, Steven.

[Stephen]

Yes.

[Host (David)]

You're 34, dude.

[Stephen]

I would say I am 34. I don't think he would be awake right now. What?

[Sleep Number Customer]

Well, I want to know what. Yeah, what. What things have happened.

[Host (David)]

Interactions with him.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Yeah. What things have happened to cause you to decide, you know, what, you know. Backyard, two o' clock this afternoon.

[Host (David)]

I'm going to give him a fat lip.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Yeah.

[Stephen]

Let me. Let me say, first of all, I feel kind of ridiculous that this has even kind of come up.

[Host (David)]

Okay.

[Stephen]

Like a couple of years ago, this guy, like I said, we sort of move in the same social circles. And one time we were at the same place and I accidentally broke a table. We're, like, roughhousing, just being guys, being stupid. And he made this really big deal about it. It wasn't his table or anything like that, but I felt bad. I paid for the table. And then all this stuff came out where he, you know, he thought I was too much of a jerk. And I was really loud and I was embarrassed. So I guess there's always been sort of bad blood. And we've tried to talk it out more than once, but I can just feel like he just gets me angry. I can't even describe it. And tonight, actually, I'm supposed to present this award at this event. And I don't want to give away too many details. Basically, I'm supposed to present this award in an event. And I've heard that he's going to be there, and he's just the kind of guy that's going to make me look bad. He's the kind of guy who's going to have some kind of flippant comment to say or embarrass me in public. He's just that kind of guy. He's that guy that jokes around a lot but doesn't know quite when to stop. And for some reason, it really bothers me. No matter what my wife tells me, I just get so mad. And I feel like. I feel like a fool kind of. But part of me just wants to go, you know what? Let's just. Let's just have it out and fight. And I know that sounds really dumb, but I really want to do it. I really feel like I want to do it.

[Sleep Number Customer]

All right, let me. Two questions. One, quickly. Is it a black tie event?

[Stephen]

No. I mean, people will be dressed up, but it won't be like tuxedos.

[Sleep Number Customer]

But it's Suits and stuff? Yeah.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

You'll be wearing a suit?

[Sleep Number Customer]

Yeah. You have a tie on, right?

[Stephen]

Yeah, I'll have a tie on.

[Host (David)]

So you have to loosen the tie before you go after.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

No, take it off.

[Stephen]

Someone hold my jacket.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

Take off the tie because they can grab it and pull you in with it.

[Host (David)]

Roll up your sleeves.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

Yeah.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

So here's my question. You think you can take him?

[Stephen]

Okay, this is a little embarrassing, too. In. In preparation, I have, like, a heavy bag, like the kind boxers hit in my seat.

[Sleep Number Customer]

You have prepared for this just like.

[Stephen]

Most people who buy workout equipment. I bought this thing a long time ago. Actually, my wife bought it for me. And I've rarely used it lately. Been using it every day.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

So you are. You're warmed up, you're ready to go? You got your right hook ready?

[Stephen]

All right.

[Host (David)]

Now, my son, he's in the meat locker. He's, you know, he's worked out a deal with, you know, whatever the butcher is in town. He's punching the.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

He's running the stairs at the capitol downtown.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Right. And my second question was, what does your wife say? I want to know about the conversation you've had with your wife about this.

[Stephen]

My wife, she's so nice. And she is so. She's borderline corny. That's kind of like nice and white bread. My wife is. And she can't even. This is so far out of the realm of her world that she thinks. I think she thinks I'm kidding. When I go, I just get so mad. And she tries to talk to me. Honey, it's okay. You know, we don't have to go to this party if you think he's going to be there. But then that makes me feel bad again, like I'm depriving us of being able to do something fun because of sort of my hangups with this guy or his hangups.

[Host (David)]

In an average 30 day period, how many times will you see him at any. Anywhere.

[Stephen]

30 day period? I'll see him at least. Maybe I'll see him once. But I work. I kind of work in real estate. And so it looks like I'm going to be working with a company that he works for. So I'm probably going to see him more, which is kind of how this has all come up. And me presenting the award tonight as part of me sort of getting integrated with this company that he works for.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

Now let me ask you this. You're presenting this award. Is there a possibility that he might actually win this award? And you will have to hand it off to him?

[Stephen]

No, no, I would have to. I'm part Japanese, so I would have to put a sword in my gut if that was the case. But no, I'm. Wow.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Well, if you're Japanese, I mean, do you really need the punching bag? Because you get some of those, you know, judo tag, retro thrones on Crouching.

[Stephen]

Tiger, Hidden Dragon a long time ago.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

It's a little jujitsu action in there.

[Host (David)]

Hold on.

[Stephen]

I'm not gonna present it to him, but he might be one of the MCs, which is. Which is why I'm so worried. He's the kind of guy, like, that's gonna say something about me and embarrass me or I just, you know, my stomach. Like, I woke up this morning and this is embarrassing. I dry heaved because I was so nervous about this tonight.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

What I wanna know is, you've obviously played this out in your mind a hundred times. How do you see this playing out tonight? Like, chronological order of what's gonna happen when you're gonna challenge him to the duel, how it's all gonna go down.

[Stephen]

I'm. I'm gonna try to give him the benefit. The duel. I'm gonna try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I figure I'm just gonna kind of let the evening go. See him, I'll say, hello, our wives are friends, which makes it kind of weird too, but I'm just gonna say hello. But if he does something, I mean, even if he. If he like says something on the microphone just to embarrass me, I'm gonna confront him. I am. I'm just gonna basically get in his face and say, you know, how do you want to solve this? You can either knock it off, we can sit down and talk, or we can go take care of it outside. I've heard, and again, this is like through friends of friends that he kind of talked bad about me behind my back. And he says, you know, if we did get into some kind of fight, I would probably have friends help me because I would need to help. And all this kind of.

[Host (David)]

Oh, no, he doesn't know you have.

[Sleep Number Customer]

A heavy bag right now. What made you dry heave this morning exactly?

[Stephen]

Last night I went to sleep and I was just wiped out. I had worked until like 10:30 or 11 at night, but driving home, I get. That's all I could think about was, you know, tomorrow I'm gonna have to be there on stage, and I get nervous in public as it is, and I just know he's gonna embarrass Me. And it's just one of those. I can't.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

Anxiety.

[Stephen]

Jeff can understand. It's just one of those things where some guys just get to you. They just get to you. And as. Maybe as a guy, I just feel sort of the need to get aggressive. I don't. Like I said, I haven't been in a fight since I was a kid where I probably just pushed the guy and he pushed me back and we, you know, rolled around in the dirt and cried about it. But I just really feel like I want to hit him or I just want to get it done, I guess I think, like, a fight would somehow settle it, which sounds sort of dumb and juvenile, but I really feel like that might be the only way to sort of.

[Host (David)]

Hey, David.

[Stephen]

Yes.

[Host (David)]

Hey, go ahead. You're on with.

[Stephen]

Look, do this, man. Just go ahead and beat the hell out of him.

[Host (David)]

And then what?

[Stephen]

Just walk. Here's what you do. You walk in, you hit him about three times and say you lost, and then go home and make love to your wife. You get the best sex of your life, baby. I'm telling you, walking in, I'm out of here. I got to go make love.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

And it will be the best sex ever.

[Stephen]

Now, me hanging off the ceiling going, that's my man.

[Host (David)]

Now, Stephen, just to clarify, because I don't want you to get confused, do not punch your wife and make love to your enemy. Okay?

[Stephen]

What you want to do?

[Sleep Number Customer]

Jeff says sometimes.

[Stephen]

Jeff, I'm writing this down. Can you slow down?

[Co-host (Jeff)]

Make love to the guy. Punch the life. No, wrong again.

[Host (David)]

What time is this ceremony taking place this evening?

[Stephen]

It's actually kind of late. I'll probably do my thing, but, like, 10, 10 30.

[Host (David)]

It's fairly late. Okay, well, I think.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

I think we should go around the room and make predictions or, like, give him, like, our final little bit of advice, like fight or don't fight. All around the room before. Before he goes.

[Host (David)]

I don't think there's going to be a fight. I don't think.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Are we saying what we predict is going to happen or what he.

[Host (David)]

I think. I think the guy says something over the microphone, and I think you confront him and it's a big, heated confrontation, but I don't think there's ever any significant physical contact. But if there comes to be, always go with scissors first.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

What?

[Host (David)]

Rock, paper, scissors. Every fight starts.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Not literal scissors, but yes.

[Host (David)]

Stab him in the neck.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Cut his tie.

[Stephen]

That'll piss him off.

[Host (David)]

You know, what you need to do is put a flower in your lapel that Squirts, fake ink.

[Sleep Number Customer]

And the buzzer in the hand. When you shake his hand.

[Host (David)]

Oh, got you, Whoopi cushion. Hey.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

I think that he's just angry enough to. To where if something is said, Steven's going to say, all right, dude, I've had it. Let's step outside.

[Host (David)]

When you.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

And everybody's going to file out there and, you know, maybe one high school, and there'd be a big crowd, and you're going to, like, throw one punch. But just remember, please take off your necktie first, because that is a good weapon. They grab you by. They pull you in with it. But if he's wearing his, you can do that to him.

[Host (David)]

When you're hitting the heavy bag in your garage, do you think of him?

[Stephen]

Yeah, I'm gonna try to sugarcoat it. Yeah.

[Host (David)]

Melissa, what's your.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Have you drawn a face on this?

[Stephen]

I haven't drawn his face, but I put an X where his face would be. Cause he's shorter than I am.

[Sleep Number Customer]

See? Measured it up.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

It's gonna be a brawl. I can feel it.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Steven, I don't think that something has to happen. Like, I don't. I think you're beyond the point. I think a fight's gonna happen. I think you are gonna black out. And then when you wake up, everybody's gonna be looking at you like, oh, my God. And then the dude's gonna be a bloody mess on the floor. And then, yeah, you'll walk out.

[Host (David)]

You're gonna have a lapse in memory, and you're gonna kill him.

[Sleep Number Customer]

But you'll walk out slow. You'll grab your woman's hand, you'll take her home, and you know you'll make it.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

Throw your coat back over your shoulder, walk out there with a swagger.

[Stephen]

Adrian. Yo, Adrian.

[Sleep Number Customer]

And then the credits will roll, and there'll be a sequel next week.

[Co-host (Jamie)]

I think you show up so mad and so ready to do this. I think he's gonna see how. That you're so angry that you would kick his ass. And he's gonna back himself out of it, and he's gonna talk out of it. And he sounds like he has a big mouth. He's gonna talk his way out of it, and you're gonna end up hugging it out. He's gonna be like, dude, come on, buddy. We're buddy. Let's hug it out. Come on, let's hug it out. And he's gonna see how mad you are.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

He's too mad for that.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

I think you're too mad for that. And I'm with Melissa and Jamie. I think you're fighting. I think you're gonna. I think you're gonna throw down somehow, some way. And I don't even know that it'll make it outside, because I think at this awards ceremony, you guys are going to have some stuff to drink. The wives are going to be talking. He's going to say some smarmy comment that's going to just irk you and rub you the wrong way. And I think that. I think the shoves and the first punches are going to be thrown right.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

There over the table.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

I mean, right there, right next to the table. I don't think you make it outside.

[Sleep Number Customer]

All right, Stephen, Jeff, I want to ask your advice on this. Because, Steven, since, you know, most of us think you're going to fight, you have to have some cheesy Steven Seagal line when you're done kicking his ass. So, Jeff, what should Steven say once dude's on the ground?

[Stephen]

Oh, here's your award. Me kicking your ass.

[Host (David)]

And now I gotta go make love to my wife.

[Co-host (Jeff)]

I like it. I like it. Write that down.

[Stephen]

Steven, are you writing that down? I'm writing that down.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

You gotta practice the line now. You gotta practice it on us. Cause you've thought through the rest of this fight. You gotta think through the end of it. With Phil's line. Yep.

[Host (David)]

Phil, turn up the music. Stephen, let's hear your line.

[Stephen]

I got your award, punk, and it's me kicking your ass.

[Co-host (Melissa)]

Come on, baby.

[Stephen]

Then I'm gonna go home and make love to my wife.

[Sleep Number Customer]

There you go, Steven.

[Host (David)]

We will talk to you on Monday morning.

[Stephen]

All right, guys, have a great weekend.

[Host (David)]

The bird show.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Why choose a sleep number? Smart bed.

[Sleep Number Customer]

Can I make my sight softer?

[Capital One Bank Guy]

Can I make my sight firmer? Can we sleep cooler?

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. It's our Black Friday sale. Recharge this season with a bundle of cozy, soothing comfort. Now only $17.99 for our C2 mattress and base. Plus free premium delivery price is higher in Alaska and Hawaii. Check it out at a sleep number store or sleepnumber.com today.

[Capital One Bank Guy]

Banking with Capital One helps you keep more money in your wallet with no fees or minimums on checking accounts and no overdraft fees. Just ask the Capital One bank guy. It's pretty much all he talks about in a good way. He'd also tell you that this podcast is his favorite podcast, too. Ah, really? Thanks. Capital One Bank Guy. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See capitalone.com bank Capital One NA member FDIC.

[Host (David)]

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[Jessie Ware]

Hello, this is Jessie and Lenny Ware from Table Manners, a podcast direct from our dining table where we talk all food, family, growing up, and everything in between. And everything in between. This season we've had Reese Witherspoon reveal the greatest cookie recipe. We had Gary Oldman, who's freshly knighted. Sir Gary Oldman. Sir Gary Oldman. We did some singing with Gloria Estefan and Jeremy Alan White has shared some culinary stories with us. And it's not just this series. We've had plenty of other brilliant guests where you can listen back to all the episodes. People like Cher, Dolly Parton, Kate Winslet, Seal McCartney, John Legend, Benny Blanco, and Selena Gomez. We've had them all. We fed them very well. Come and listen to Table Manners, the podcast with me, Jesse Ware, and Lenny Ware.

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