The Bert Show: “Vault: This Guy Is Dying To Get Into His First Fight”

Air Date: November 7, 2025
Host: David, with co-hosts Melissa, Jeff, Jamie, and guests
Main Guest: Stephen (listener emailer with a dilemma)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the funny and relatable dilemma of Stephen, a 34-year-old man who’s itching to get into his first real fight — as an adult! The Bert Show crew dissects Stephen’s frustration with a persistent antagonist in his social and professional circles. The team explores masculinity, conflict management, and how childish confrontations can follow us into adulthood, all while keeping the tone light, authentic, and playful.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Stephen’s Background & The Dilemma

• Stephen writes in about a guy he dislikes so much that he now seriously considers fighting him, despite not having been in a fight since childhood.
• They interact at overlapping social events and now increasingly at work due to new professional overlap.
• The mutual animosity centers on a history of minor slights, a broken table at a party, and ongoing petty grievances.

“I don’t know if you’re the right person… I have a situation going on in my life that I could use some perspective on. I’m a 34-year-old man and there’s another adult male I dislike so much, I’m actually thinking about fighting this guy.” — Stephen (01:26)

2. Origins of the Grudge

• The bad blood started with a roughhousing incident where Stephen accidentally broke a table. While he paid for damages, the other man held a grudge, stirring drama and embarrassing Stephen.
• The antagonistic man is described as a social instigator, quick with flippant remarks and seemingly intent on public embarrassment.

“He’s the kind of guy that jokes around a lot but doesn’t know quite when to stop. And for some reason, it really bothers me.” — Stephen (03:21)

3. Prepping for a Potential Fight

• Stephen admits to recently taking out his old boxing heavy bag, training “just in case.”
• The team pokes fun at the idea of an adult fight at a dressed-up event, offering advice on removing ties and jackets for maximum efficiency (and minimum risk).

“Someone hold my jacket… Take off the tie because they can grab it and pull you in with it.” — Jeff (04:40)

4. Masculinity, Anxiety, and Humor

• The hosts reflect humorously on the childish nature of wanting to fight, yet acknowledge the visceral feelings behind it.
• Stephen reveals he’s so nervous about seeing the guy at the upcoming event that he “dry heaved” that morning.

“I woke up this morning and… I dry heaved because I was so nervous about this tonight.” — Stephen (06:59)

5. The Spousal Perspective

• Stephen’s wife, by contrast, is “nice and white bread,” can’t relate to the need for confrontation, and suggests skipping the event.
• His guilt about potentially affecting their social life adds another layer of stress.

6. Predicting the Showdown

• The hosts offer hilarious (and sincere) predictions for the night:
  • David and some predict a heated, public confrontation without real violence.
  • Jeff and Melissa think drinks, tempers, and proximity will lead to an actual fight—possibly right there at the event.
  • Jamie suggests the antagonist will back down when faced with Stephen’s seriousness.

“You’re gonna have some stuff to drink… he’s going to say some smarmy comment… I think the shoves and first punches are going to be thrown right there—right next to the table.” — Melissa (13:04)

7. What to Say After (If He Wins)!

• The crew helps Stephen script a cheesy, action-hero exit line for after the hypothetical melee.
• Stephen delivers his best “tough guy” send-off live on-air for feedback.

“I got your award, punk, and it’s me kicking your ass. Then I’m gonna go home and make love to my wife.” — Stephen (13:57)

8. Lighthearted Finale and Listener Engagement

• The segment ends on a comedic, supportive note, with plans to check in after the event.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Melissa: “So, here’s my question — you think you can take him?” (04:47)
• Stephen: “In preparation, I have, like, a heavy bag… Been using it every day.” (04:50)
• Host: “You have to loosen the tie before you go after.” (04:37)
• Stephen: “I dry heaved because I was so nervous about this tonight.” (06:59)
• Jamie: “I think he’s gonna see how angry you are, and he’s gonna back himself out of it… you’re gonna end up hugging it out.” (12:29)
• Melissa: “You gotta practice the line now. You gotta practice it on us!” (13:45)
• Stephen (in character): “I got your award, punk, and it’s me kicking your ass.” (13:57)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Stephen Introduces His Dilemma: 01:06 – 02:44
• The Table Incident & Origins of Bad Blood: 02:50 – 03:41
• The Upcoming Event & Anxiety: 04:42 – 07:19
• Advice from Hosts & Predictions: 10:09 – 13:18
• The Tough-Guy Exit Line (Stephen’s Practice): 13:31 – 14:12

Tone, Language, and Takeaways

The tone remains trademark Bert Show — authentic, slightly irreverent, and warmly supportive. The hosts toggle between heartfelt life advice, tongue-in-cheek machismo, and classic morning-show banter. Stephen’s awkward yet earnest predicament resonates, making the episode both a comedic highlight and a surprisingly empathetic look at big emotions and unresolved tensions in adulthood.

Summary for New Listeners:
If you’ve ever wanted to confront someone who just knows how to push your buttons, or wondered how adulthood sometimes still feels like the schoolyard, this episode delivers big laughs and genuine advice in equal measure. The episode is a perfect blend of relatable drama, witty commentary, and the catharsis of saying what you wish you could say.