The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Episode: Vault: This Woman Will Teach You How To Kiss
Date: January 15, 2026

Episode Overview

This lively, candid, and often hilarious episode centers around the concept of "kissing surrogates"—professionals who teach couples how to kiss better, by actually observing and correcting them in real time. The Bert Show hosts and listeners share their most unforgettable (often disastrous) kissing experiences, discuss the importance of kissing compatibility, and laugh along at the wild and awkward tales that emerge. Amidst the laughter, the episode surfaces genuine reflections on intimacy, relationships, and how a bad kiss can make or break romantic chemistry.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Kissing Surrogate Concept (00:56)

• What is it?

  • A business in Seattle offers a “kissing surrogate” who will fly to your city, watch you and your partner make out, and give tips on what you’re doing right or wrong.
  • Estimated cost: $300 per couple (plus travel expenses).

• Hosts’ Reaction:

  • The panel is both amused and incredulous, but agree that "there’s nothing worse than being with a bad kisser."
  • The proliferation of kissing schools suggests it’s a real need.

2. Memorable (and Awful) First Kisses (01:57–07:43)

• Bad Kiss Flashbacks:

  • "You never forget that experience either. Like your very worst kiss ever." (Show Host, 01:57)
  • Hosts and callers recount embarrassing, awkward, or downright horrific first kisses.
  • Example stories:
    • French kissing gone wrong: Dipping, jabbing, and too much tongue.
    • Spin the bottle disasters: "I was the size of a doll... she literally took me in her arms and dipped me, like I was on Dancing with the Stars." (Show Host, 02:28)
    • Slobbering and surprise moves: "I literally had to go home and take a shower because he slobbered." (Co-host, 03:22)
    • Gum exchanging: A girl swaps her gum by mouth during a bus ride (Caller Alex, 12:40)

• Panel Realization:

  • "If the kiss is bad, the rest of the whole thing is going to be pretty bad also." (Show Host, 04:51)

3. Awkward Kissing Techniques & Pet Peeves (03:44–08:22)

• Common Complaints:

  • The "slobberer" and the one who doesn’t use their tongue at all.
  • Open mouth, but no action (just air).
  • Overenthusiastic or misplaced tongue movement.
  • Kissing that feels like an "attack" or "being devoured."

• Listener Call-ins:

  • Bad kissing stories abound, from face-engulfers to gum-lickers and accidental fish impersonators.
  • One caller relays: "He just had his mouth open like a bath and just basically engulfed my face and just drooled on me. It was just terrible." (Caller Brandy, 05:03)

• Unpleasant Surprises:

  • Licking gums or cheeks.
  • Sucking lips or tongues too enthusiastically, leading to discomfort or even injuries (bleeding lips).
  • Trying out unnecessary "moves" instead of keeping it simple.

4. How It Can Affect Relationships (08:22–10:25)

• Emotional Impact:

  • Some listeners and hosts share how a bad kisser soured their feelings or even ended budding relationships.
  • Brandy reveals she married her "worst kisser": "Oh, my worst kiss, you guys, is my husband. Yes. I ended up marrying him." (Speaker: Caller Brandy, 08:39)
  • The panel commiserates about passion dying out: "We don't do the tongue thing... Maybe six months. I don't even know. Maybe a year [since a passionate kiss]." (Caller Brandy, 09:24)

• Can It Be Fixed?

  • Listeners and hosts debate whether kissing ability can be improved or "taught."
  • The idea of a kissing school for men (with a playful 'trap the men' plan) is floated.

5. The Role of Kissing in Intimacy (04:21; 09:53)

• Deeper Meaning:
  • Kissing as one of the "most intimate things" you do.
  • The pressure of getting it right, especially on the first try: "It is one of the most intimate things you do with somebody and it has to come first. That's why there's the awkwardness and the weirdness and you judge people based on that kiss." (Co-host, 04:21)
  • Lack of kissing as a sign of relationship trouble.

Notable Quotes & Moments

"There’s nothing worse than being with a bad kisser."

— Show Host ('Bird'), 00:56

"You never forget that experience either. Like your very worst kiss ever."

— Show Host ('Bird'), 01:57

Panel on the Evolution of Kissers

"If the kiss is bad, the rest of the whole thing is going to be pretty bad also."
— Show Host ('Bird'), 04:51

Listener Call: The Marine Sergeant Disaster

"My worst kiss... just basically engulfed my face and just drooled on me. It was just terrible. I didn't think I'd ever kiss anybody again."
— Caller Brandy, 05:03

On Bad Kissers in Relationships

"Oh, my worst kiss, you guys, is my husband... We don't even kiss anymore."
— Caller Brandy, 08:39

Lip Sucking and Painful Techniques

"He bit my lip so hard he made me bleed... I had to go take a shower from all the slobber."
— Caller Julie, 14:52

Kissing as Intimacy

"I think sometimes a good makeout session on the couch is just as good as... being full on whatever. You gotta have those intimate again. Like my friend says, one of the most intimate things you do and you have to do with a total stranger."
— Co-host, 09:53

Segment Timestamps

• 00:56 – Introduction of the 'Kissing Surrogate' business, panel reactions
• 01:57 – Hosts recall their worst kissing experiences
• 03:10 – Co-host shares stories of kissing both men and women
• 04:21 – Discussion on intimacy and the pressure of first kisses
• 05:00 – Caller Brandy recounts her traumatizing first kiss
• 06:19 – Caller Melissa traumatized by a saliva string between chins
• 07:33 – "Snake tongue" story (too much tongue)
• 08:39 – Brandy reveals she married her worst kisser
• 10:36 – Caller Summer details a boyfriend with a “gum licking” habit
• 12:40 – Caller Alex's “gum swap” French kiss
• 13:22 – Caller Gina’s bottom lip gets dangerously sucked
• 14:51 – Caller Julie's kisser left her bleeding

Recap & Takeaways

• Kissing ability is a big deal for both initial and ongoing romantic compatibility—so much so that a cottage industry is emerging for “kissing coaches” and “surrogates.”
• Awkward, aggressive, or unhygienic kisses often leave a lasting impression, sometimes altering or ending the course of relationships.
• The show balances humor with genuine insight, reminding listeners that it’s okay to talk about kissing mishaps and their importance in relationships.
• The hosts suggest that if you struggle with kissing, communication (and maybe even a little coaching or education) can help—but it’s a hard topic to broach with partners.

For a full blast of awkward, relatable, and very funny romance talk, this episode delivers—while sneakily surfacing how foundational a simple kiss can be to intimacy and connection.