Loading summary
Progressive Insurance Announcer
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Shifting a little money here, a little there and hoping it all works out well with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can be a better budgeter and potentially lower your insurance bill too. You tell Progressive what you want to pay for car insurance and they'll help you find options within your budget. Try it today@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
Boost Mobile Representative
Big news. Boost Mobile is now sending experts nationwide to deliver and set up customers new phones at home or work.
Tour Enthusiast
Wait, we're going on tour?
Boost Mobile Representative
Not a tour. We're delivering and setting up customers phones so it's easier to upgrade.
Tour Enthusiast
Let's get in the tour bus and hit the road.
Boost Mobile Representative
No, not a tour bus. It's a regular car we use to deliver and set up customers phones at home or work.
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Are you a groupie on this tour?
Boost Mobile Representative
We deliver and set up phones. It's not a tour.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, you're definitely a groupie.
Boost Mobile Representative
Introducing store to door switch and get a new device with expert setup and delivery wherever you're at.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Delivery available for select devices purchased@boostmobile.com the bird show we found out yesterday that there is a new business blossoming out of Seattle called Kissing Surrogate. It is a woman that will fly into your town if you if when you're kissing your man or vice versa, things aren't just right. He's not. He doesn't know what he's doing, not sure what he's doing. You can call her up, she will come into town and she will watch the two of you make out and show you what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong.
Co-host or Panelist
And how much she charged for this, I don't know.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Did we find out how much yesterday it was?
Co-host or Panelist
I don't think so. But I mean 300 bucks per couple.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
300 per couple.
Co-host or Panelist
Plus I'm sure you gotta pay for her flight and whatever.
Well, the thing is, I mean here's a surrogate. There's kissing schools out there where you know, people go into a room and it's all these couples and they're in a. I mean it's obviously something that is needed because there's nothing worse than being with a bad kisser.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
We and you guys probably also, you never forget that experience either. Like your very worst kiss ever. I specifically remember, I mean this happened a while ago but it was with. And I'm gonna see her at my high school reunion in a couple of weeks, Leann Bryan. And I think I remember telling you guys this. It was a game of spin the bottle back in the day. And I was. I'm a little guy now. I. I was a really little guy, like, back in the eighth grade. I mean, I was the size of a doll.
Co-host or Panelist
A Weeble Wobble.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
And I remember spinning the bottle, and I had to French kiss Leanne Bryant. And a. She dipped me. She literally took me in her arms and dipped me like I was on Dancing with the Stars. And then shoved and jabbed and little.
Co-host or Panelist
Darter.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Dartered away in my mouth to a point where it was so painful that even to this day, I haven't forgotten it. Now, that's the kind of person that needs a kissing surrogate. Now, if you guys can remember your worst kiss ever, you remember it in detail, call us. 404-741-1005.
Co-host or Panelist
I've got two. I mean, because I've had the experience of kissing both men and women. And one of each is my two worst kisses ever. One was a slobberer.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, he.
Co-host or Panelist
I don't know. I literally had to go home and take a shower because he slobbered. And then he'd do the kiss on the ear and the neck and the shoulder and that kind of thing. And. And I. Yeah, well, first of all, at the time, I. I was realizing that this is not who I wanted to kiss. So I. But I went ahead with it anyway. And then on top of that, he had to be spitting all over me. That was nasty.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
You know, like, that guy ruined it.
Co-host or Panelist
That was nasty.
That guy ruined it for every future man you come in contact with.
Well, I'm not gonna kiss a man ever again.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
That's his fault.
Co-host or Panelist
No, it's not. It just. Oh, he was a bad kisser. And then there was a woman I kissed who. Total opposite. She didn't even use. She would open her mouth but not use a tongue. Like, it was just bizarre.
It was like a hollow kiss.
Boost Mobile Representative
It was.
Co-host or Panelist
Yes.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Have you guys ever.
Boost Mobile Representative
That's weird.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Have you ever had this deal where you're, like, opening your mouth and she's opening her mouth and there's no real, like, puckering going on. It's just, like, open mouth on mouth, but there's no action going on.
Co-host or Panelist
And then you hear that cupping sound?
Boost Mobile Representative
I mean, it's.
Co-host or Panelist
I mean, there's.
Caller or Guest
Oh, yeah.
Co-host or Panelist
You know, a friend of mine and I were hanging out over the weekend. I said this to you guys off air yesterday. Her Complaint was because we were talking about first kisses and stuff. Because I'm still in the, you know, lifestyle where I'm gonna have first kisses with people. And we were talking about people in particular and nervousness about that and stuff. And then she says, you know, the sad thing is it is one of the most intimate things you do with somebody and it has to come first.
Boost Mobile Representative
Yes.
Co-host or Panelist
That's why there's the awkwardness and the weirdness and you judge people based on that kiss, you know. But yeah, it is. Yeah, a lot of people are bad at it.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
And I am a big believer in if the kiss is bad, the rest of the whole thing is going to be pretty bad also.
Co-host or Panelist
Right.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Good morning, Brandy. You're on all the hits. Q100.
Caller or Guest
Hey, good morning, guys. How are you?
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Good morning.
Caller or Guest
My worst kiss was my.
Actually my first kiss. I was 18. My brother had set me up with.
A Marine sergeant and when he went to kiss me, he just had his.
Mouth open like a bath and just basically engulfed my face and just drooled on me. It was just terrible. I didn't think I'd ever kiss anybody again.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Do you guys remember, like, the first time you ever French kissed somebody that you opened up your mouth so wide because mathematically there's no way two tongues can fit in the same mouth.
Caller or Guest
Right.
Co-host or Panelist
I came at somebody like a fish out of water. She just started laughing. It's a game of spin the bottle too.
Nobody, nobody kisses well at 14. Or my first was at 14, I think. 14. And his name was Don Johnson. Swear to God. Don Johnson. Best looking guy in school. And I'm sure he's much better now. But then it was the whole stiff and just went in for the attack.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
I remember Tammy Lopez coming out after me for a French kiss and just like, you know that scene in like the Peanuts where somebody screams and you only see like the uvula dangling in the back? I remember that feeling like I was going in there, man.
Co-host or Panelist
I imagine I look like one of those female blow up dolls. Like, that's what I imagined it looked like when I went in for my first kiss.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Just the perfectly round mouth.
Boost Mobile Representative
Let's go.
Co-host or Panelist
You want me?
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Hey, Melissa, you're on all the hits. Q100 Good morning.
Caller or Guest
I was in ninth grade and it was my first French kiss. And this guy, not only did he realize that the tongue was supposed to go in the mouth, he licked all over around my mouth so that I pulled apart. There was, I'm not even kidding, a string of saliva from chin to chin. I was so grossed out.
Co-host or Panelist
No, no, no. That'll scarier.
That will scaring you.
I've had somebody lick my gums before.
Caller or Guest
No, that is nasty.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
No, lick your gums like just above your te. Or like the roof of your mouth.
Co-host or Panelist
Above my teeth, between my.
The gums and my cheeks. That is so disgusting.
Caller or Guest
Oh, my God.
Co-host or Panelist
Yes. Oh, I've had.
I think my worst is from God love him. I hope he's not in Atlanta or anything. I would hate to hurt his feeling, but his name's Eddie Marrelli and he came at me and it started so good. It really did, because it was both hands on the face and I thought, oh, this is a boy who knows what he is doing. And he tried to be really passionate, but I think he stuck his tongue so far down my throat, I think it actually played with my uvula. Like, it was so deep, lizardly, like, snake, like all the way in there that I thought I might choke on him.
Caller or Guest
Snake.
Co-host or Panelist
Like a frog trying to get a fly.
Yes, he was a frog trying to get a fly. And it was like I felt devoured. I was like.
I really.
I felt like I had been eaten.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
And, you know, back then, like, you were too afraid to break up with somebody, so there had to be a second kiss. This. And when you go in, you're like.
Co-host or Panelist
Oh, here it comes. Yeah.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Don't have to do this again.
Caller or Guest
No.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Morning. All the hits Q100.
Caller or Guest
Hi, this is Rhonda. When I was about 17 years old, I was dating this guy for about a couple weeks. And it was our first kiss. And when he went to kiss me, he was, like, pulling his tongue in and out of my mouth. Like we were, like, having intercourse or something. Yeah, it was so terrible that the next day I called him and I was like, look, for the past few weeks, I've been lying to you. I've got another boyfriend, so we've got to stop seeing each other, so.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, that's bad.
Co-host or Panelist
A bad kiss is horrific. I wonder, do you. You think there's anybody in our lives that considers us one of their worst kisses?
Oh, absolutely.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
My wife.
Co-host or Panelist
We have to.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Me. Yeah, it's probably my wife. You just call her right now. Morning, Brandy, you're on all the hits. Q100.
Caller or Guest
Good morning, guys. Love your show.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Thank you.
Caller or Guest
Oh, my worst kiss, you guys, is my husband.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, no way.
Caller or Guest
Yes. I ended up marrying him.
Co-host or Panelist
What? What. What does he do wrong?
Caller or Guest
Well, he just. You know what? I can't even. I can't even. I don't even know what it is. It's just moving his tongue around in my mouth. It's just gross. And so the sad thing is, is we don't even kiss anymore.
Co-host or Panelist
You need to see, this is a surrogate.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Like, we were talking about flying this woman into town and trying to find somebody. It was like the heart. The worst luck case story yours. Is it like, how long have you been married?
Caller or Guest
We've been married for seven years. We have three children.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
And when's the last time you kissed them?
Caller or Guest
Oh, gosh. Well, we, you know, we do the morning kiss and peck and kind of thing, but we don't. We don't do the tongue thing.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Like, when is the last time you had a long, passionate kiss with your husband?
Caller or Guest
I. I can't tell you. I don't.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Three years, four years?
Caller or Guest
No, I mean, you know, it's maybe six months. I don't even know. Maybe a year.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
A year?
Co-host or Panelist
That's sad.
You don't have to fly in some surrogate con artist from Idaho or wherever she is. Like, sit down with Jen Hobby for a few minutes.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
She could be like, what if Jen Hobby's not any good?
Co-host or Panelist
Get your tongue out of her nostril.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Seriously, dude, I'm not so sure Jen's any good.
Co-host or Panelist
Well, come on, kiss her.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
I'm not gonna kiss her again.
Co-host or Panelist
All right, Bird.
Jen kiss.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Yeah. Again.
Co-host or Panelist
That is sad. Because, I mean, I think. I think sometimes a good makeout session on the couch is just as good as, you know, being full on whatever. I mean, you gotta have those intimate again. Like my friend says, one of the most intimate things you do and you have to do with a total stranger.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Brandi, have you ever told your husband how bad a kisser he is?
Caller or Guest
Well, I think he kind of knows. I mean, when we first started dating, I told him, you know, that he wasn't the best kisser. So.
Co-host or Panelist
Would he be willing to work on it?
Caller or Guest
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Co-host or Panelist
We gotta get her.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
I gotta put you on hold, Brandon. I'm gonna put you on hold.
Co-host or Panelist
That's not right.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
If you haven't kissed your husband or your wife passionately in six months.
Co-host or Panelist
No, that's not right.
Boost Mobile Representative
No.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
All right, last couple of calls and we'll move on. Hey, Summer, you're on all the hits. Q100.
Caller or Guest
Hey, guys. How you doing?
Co-host or Panelist
Good.
Caller or Guest
Okay, I am. I'll be 20 this weekend, and I've been dating this guy who goes to Florida State for about a two past the last two years. And we're kind of serious when we're around each other and we're kind of not when we're not, you know, he's so hot. And so, you know, I don't know why, but I was just excited. Expect the kids to be hot and passionate. Totally not like that. He does this thing sometimes where he. Melissa. He licks my gums, too. And it's so horrible because you'll be having this, like, passionate kiss, and all of a sudden it's like you can't breathe because his tongue is, like, blocking, you know, like, your airway, like, in your mouth. And you're trying to breathe through your nose. But, oh, my God, it's so horrible. But when he's licking. No, it gets worse when he's looking at my gum, like, he likes to sliver it around and stuff. And it's like, okay, stop. Like, he likes. When he's done with it, he likes to suck my top lip to finish the kiss off.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
So the dude is licking your gum and sucking your top lip?
Caller or Guest
Yeah, he's licking my gum. And when he's done, it's like he's sucking my top lip, and my lip is, like, sticking an inch away from my mouth.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
This guy must be like Brad Pitt. Good looking to keep up with that.
Caller or Guest
He. Well, he is so, like. He is so amazing. He's. He's gorgeous, you know, and we have, like, awesome chemistry together. But there's just sometimes when he gets really weird when he's sucking on my lips.
Co-host or Panelist
He's trying to fight your gingivitis.
I mean, it's a good thing that the eyes were closed because I think the shock look on my face when. Yeah. Gums licked. I've had the. I've had, yeah. Bad kisses when she said the top lip sucked away from her face. I've had my tongue sucked, like, out of my mouth before. I've had that happen, too.
It's not pleasant.
It's just like, what are you like. Okay, if you think you're gonna be fancy with your kiss. You know what? Nix that idea. Keep it simple.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
I understand trying to evolve a little bit, but sucking the top lip?
Co-host or Panelist
Oh, it's like, in my tongue, out of my mouth. It's not cool.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Hey, Alex, you're on all the hits. Q100. What's going on?
Caller or Guest
Yeah, when I was about 13 years old, I was dating a girl that was about. I guess she was probably about 16 or 17. I can't remember at the time, but her idea, basically, we were on the bus together going from school or whatever. Her idea at the end of, like, the ride when I got off was to Give me her gum. After we were kissing, that was her idea of the whole French kiss thing in her.
Co-host or Panelist
Like, give it to you mouth to mouth transfer or like.
Caller or Guest
Yes, exactly like that. That was her big thing, was she wanted me to have her gum. At the end of the day, you.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Know, this is going in an even stranger situ. Stranger direction because so many are calling up saying that the sucking on the lip thing is pretty common.
Co-host or Panelist
Really.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Hey, Gina. Yes, what's up?
Caller or Guest
Hey. I have a sucker story, too. He. We were pecking and it was nice and all. And all of a sudden he starts sucking on my bottom lip. And it sucked it so hard that he actually strained that little tendon that connects the bottom of your lip to your bum. I mean, it raised. Was horrible.
Co-host or Panelist
That makes my mouth hurt.
See? No. And then, like, the woman said, you know, before who he was doing all kinds of stuff, but he's so good looking, I would lose attraction. You know, like, if you're a bad kisser, I look at you differently. I mean, I had a guy lick my cheek before.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Like, no. Yeah, literally on the side of your cheek.
Boost Mobile Representative
Like a puppy.
Co-host or Panelist
He's just happy to see, like a puppy little.
And he licked her cheek.
Keep it simple. Like, I just. Yeah. I just really think a lot of people feel so awkward about it or feel like they have to have a move. Like, we talk about, you know, the motorboat. Yeah, the motorboat.
Boost Mobile Representative
God.
Co-host or Panelist
That. You know, they feel like they have to have a move with their kissing, too. And it just. You know what? It's. No. Oh. Just.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, love.
Co-host or Panelist
I. Maybe we shouldn't bring this woman in for that one person, but maybe we should have any. We should do like some sort of. Because it seems like all the problems are with guys. Most of the problems. It's like, what if we hold an event and we don't tell the. Like, somehow let women only know what it is and they can bring their guy to it and he doesn't know what it is until he's actually in the room.
And then it's the kissing school.
And we shut the door, lock them up. Yeah.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Hey, Julie.
Caller or Guest
Yes.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Good morning.
Caller or Guest
Good morning. I had a guy, not only did he slobber, but he bit my lip so hard he made me bleed.
Boost Mobile Representative
Dude. Dude.
Caller or Guest
Yeah, it was horrible. And it was a reaction. I slapped him.
Co-host or Panelist
Oops.
Caller or Guest
It was just a reaction. Yeah, my lips were bleeding and I was nasty. I had to go take a shower from all the slobber and. Oh, it was bad.
Co-host or Panelist
There's nothing to me more disgusting than a Slobber kisser. I hate that. And also this guy that like the side of my face, now that I think about it, you know what else he did which was. I don't understand. Okay, so he kissed me. And as he was kissing me, he blew air in my mouth to where I looked like a blowfish.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Oh, come on now.
Co-host or Panelist
I swear to God.
Shut up.
Swear to God.
Now you're just making it up.
Ross in high school, Central High School Ross. He did that to me.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Is it any wonder at all why you're like, totally.
Co-host or Panelist
I know I'm not gay because guys are bad kissers. It just made it even that much worse because there was nothing going on to begin with. And then the being bad kissers just.
Oh.
Because women are bad kissers, too. I mean, I've had some. Yeah, the. Yeah.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
And you've got a reputation, too, because if you're a bad kisser and you think she's just keeping that knowledge to herself, you are so freaking wrong, Ross. You are so wrong, Ross. The Bird Show.
Tour Enthusiast
In a world where January is supposed to be boring, one staple of the holidays refuses to end. The great deals at Verizon, the joy just keeps on coming. Right now you can save on four new phones and four lines. Critics agree it's the deal that keeps on giving. Come into Verizon and save on four new phones and four lines on unlimited. Welcome. Additional terms apply@seeverizon.com for details.
Progressive Insurance Announcer
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
Co-host or Panelist
Hey, it's Christy.
Caller or Guest
And I'm Kelly.
Co-host or Panelist
You might remember us as the OG partners in crime from Dance Moms.
Caller or Guest
Well, this is Back to the Bar, the podcast where we drag out every insane, chaotic and iconic moment from the show.
Co-host or Panelist
We're spilling the tea, calling out all the BS and sharing stuff you definitely didn't see on tv.
Caller or Guest
New episodes drop every week, and yes, we're laughing through the drama for once.
Co-host or Panelist
Follow grab a drink and join us as we go back to the bar.
ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.
Show Host (likely 'Bird')
Acast.com.
Episode: Vault: This Woman Will Teach You How To Kiss
Date: January 15, 2026
This lively, candid, and often hilarious episode centers around the concept of "kissing surrogates"—professionals who teach couples how to kiss better, by actually observing and correcting them in real time. The Bert Show hosts and listeners share their most unforgettable (often disastrous) kissing experiences, discuss the importance of kissing compatibility, and laugh along at the wild and awkward tales that emerge. Amidst the laughter, the episode surfaces genuine reflections on intimacy, relationships, and how a bad kiss can make or break romantic chemistry.
What is it?
Hosts’ Reaction:
Bad Kiss Flashbacks:
Panel Realization:
Common Complaints:
Listener Call-ins:
Unpleasant Surprises:
Emotional Impact:
Can It Be Fixed?
— Show Host ('Bird'), 00:56
— Show Host ('Bird'), 01:57
"If the kiss is bad, the rest of the whole thing is going to be pretty bad also."
— Show Host ('Bird'), 04:51
"My worst kiss... just basically engulfed my face and just drooled on me. It was just terrible. I didn't think I'd ever kiss anybody again."
— Caller Brandy, 05:03
"Oh, my worst kiss, you guys, is my husband... We don't even kiss anymore."
— Caller Brandy, 08:39
"He bit my lip so hard he made me bleed... I had to go take a shower from all the slobber."
— Caller Julie, 14:52
"I think sometimes a good makeout session on the couch is just as good as... being full on whatever. You gotta have those intimate again. Like my friend says, one of the most intimate things you do and you have to do with a total stranger."
— Co-host, 09:53
For a full blast of awkward, relatable, and very funny romance talk, this episode delivers—while sneakily surfacing how foundational a simple kiss can be to intimacy and connection.