Host (Birch) (2:03)

I'm gonna get to the phones here in just a second, but let's cover this email I was telling you about before we went into the commercials. I'll kind of paraphrase and I've highlighted just some of the email says I'm a 25 year old pregnant married mother with a 20 month old daughter. My husband does not want to have sex with me. I've gained 50 pounds with his child. He just does not have a thing for pregnant women. I guess. It's been seven weeks since our Last lovemaking session, he's talked about bringing in another woman into the picture. I've been with four women about five to seven years ago, not all of them at once. She says, over a span of two to three years, I've included men all four times. I was really game before I had kids, but now I feel way differently than I did. Now that I'm a mother, I will feel bad or I will feel ashamed if I do something like this. But then at the very end of the email, she says, help me. I don't know where to look for a woman to join our love life.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (2:54)

Wow.

Host (Birch) (2:55)

Would you help me pick a great woman to spice up our relationship? What she's looking for short black hair, brown eyes, 165 pounds, 58 grade personality. So it's not even necessarily an email that says, how do I deal with my husband. It was more written saying, how do I find a woman to bring into the house to satisfy my husband while I'm pregnant?

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (3:13)

Well, first of all, you are that great woman. You don't go out and find another woman to satisfy your husband's cravings. You know, if I must say, he, he's not exactly where he needs to be psychologically, you know, if he got bent out of shape, would you say, bring another man into it? And that's the question I always ask couples when I've dealt with them. If a man said, well, I wanna bring another woman, I said, well, do you have a problem with her bringing another man? And most men can't deal with that reality because most men understand that there's always somebody out there, bigger, better and stronger, if you know what I mean. So with that in mind, men get bent outta shape. Men have tunnel vision when it comes to love. They can't see their woman or their wives getting outside of this perimeter. Be it weights, be it their ha, be it their love life. And you gotta understand, women are emotional creatures and you have to work with those emotions. You have to learn to love those emotions. And if she's, you know, during pregnancy, you gotta be kidding me. And her emotions are like at an all time high. And he has to stop and say, you know what? I appreciate you when you go into a delivery, delivery room. I was there when my son was born. And that was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen, you know, so to know what a woman goes through when she gives birth to a child is phenomenal. Yes. She's gonna gain weight. You know, you gain weight. You know, men gain weight. And if you're not attracted to your woman's body. Say, baby, let's go to the gym together and work out. You know, offer her some type of weight. You know, not a way out, but offer her, say, you know what? This is my compromise. I'm not exactly enjoying you, you know, I know we met you were £120. Now you're £170. Let's walk there, let's go to the gym. Make her appreciate the fact that you love her body, because once you let her know that you don't appreciate her body, the relationship will go sour.

Host (Birch) (4:48)

Melissa, Jen, anything you guys want to add to that?

Melissa (4:50)

Well, I just want to ask Ty. I mean, like, it shouldn't. The thing that fascinates me and being outside that, because I date women, that for a man to have a woman who's having his child, to me, that should be an honor for him.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (5:02)

Exactly.

Melissa (5:03)

That should be like the greatest thing that has ever happened in his life. And so I think the worst thing I can ever hear a man doing is wanting to have an affair on his pregnant wife. And so that's why I just don't understand how, like. And she's a. I don't know, like he has a 20 month old with her and now she's pregnant. I don't. I just, I don't get. That's what I don't get.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (5:23)

Insensitive.

Host (Birch) (5:24)

See, I'm looking at it from another angle, okay? I'm looking at it from her angle. Like, I think she's got to do a lot of soul searching and maybe has to get some help also if she's even considered in something like this. I mean, remember, her question to us wasn't, what do I do with my husband? It's how do I find a woman? So doesn't she have to do some soul searching and figure out, okay, maybe I'm trying to cater to my husband here just a little bit too much?

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (5:48)

Right.

Jen (5:48)

Well, I think that we're natural people pleasers, you know, I mean, I think that we're raised to be people pleasers as well. And so I think this woman's coming from a place where she really wants to please her man. She really wants to satisfy her man, but she's going about it in the wrong way. And I think he's playing on the fact that she dabbled in sex with women before they had children. So she's had, you know, she's had, you know, bisexual experiences in her past. And I think he's playing on that now that she's pregnant. And he's not feeling the attraction and that sort of thing. I think he's playing on her past and trying to get her to do. To do something like that now just to satisfy him, but having nothing to do with satisfying her. And I think that she is. She's feeling weak and she's feeling vulnerable. And I think that she just wants to please him in any way possible. But I think bringing another person in at this stage in their relationship is a completely wrong idea.

Melissa (6:40)

And I think we can't disregard the fact that women, especially if they're pregnant or have children with a man, there's a fear there that they don't want to be stuck with. Like, he's gonna leave. If he leaves, who's taking care of the children? More than likely the mother. And so I think also on top of what Jen just said is also that initial, well, I've gotta do everything I can to keep him. Cause I don't wanna be a single mom.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (6:58)

Right. And you made a good point. Women are nurturers by nature, you know. And also, Melissa, you made a good point about no woman wants to be alone. No woman wants to raise their children alone. And men have been known to walk away, you know, but if he walks away, he wasn't meant to stay there anyway.

Host (Birch) (7:13)

Hey, Maria, you're on all the hits. Q100. Hey, how are you?

Maria (Caller) (7:16)

I'm fine.

BetterHelp Announcer (7:17)

How are you guys?

Jen (7:17)

Good.

Host (Birch) (7:17)

You ready for a little tough love? Because we're. Keep it real with you.

Maria (Caller) (7:20)

Yeah. Yes, go ahead. Well, basically what's going on is I am. Well, I was born and raised here. I'm American, and my boyfriend is actually from Mexico. And we're having some serious issues with my cheesemo. And just the way things are being run around the house. Basically what's going on is I tend to do all of the cooking and cleaning and everything. And he'll help out with, like, one thing. And that's supposed to be like the greatest thing in the world. Like, a situation that happened this weekend was he cooked and, like, messed up the kitchen. And I asked him to clean it up, and he's like, I'll clean it later. And he always does that in hopes that I'll just get tired of the mess and clean it myself. And this time I just left it there. And I tend to talk to his sister very often, and I was telling her about it and she's like, well, you should just do it for him, because he's not used to that.

Host (Birch) (8:13)

I don't know that that's a Cultural dissertation.

Melissa (8:14)

I was gonna say every man's a Mexican. Then.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (8:18)

It sounds like a bona fide mama's boy.

Host (Birch) (8:20)

Yeah, bona fide.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (8:21)

Yeah.

Maria (Caller) (8:21)

But it's actually, he hasn't lived with his mom since he was, like, 12. So his sister tends to treat their other two brothers, who are, like, in their mid-20s, like children. Like, she does all their washing and cooking and cleaning their rooms.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (8:36)

Let me ask you a question, since this is tough love. Do you love him?

Maria (Caller) (8:40)

I do love him. I don't know that I'm particularly in love with him.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (8:43)

Okay. Cause I usually start people off with this. Are you willing to do what it takes to make this relationship work, or this is too much for you and you want to walk away?

Maria (Caller) (8:52)

You know, that's been the difficult question. Like, I work 40 hours a week, and I have a second job, too. But when he gets home at 11:30, he has food ready for him. Let me ask you a question. I keep the house clean, and I keep the clothes washed and everything.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (9:05)

Okay. So you value money. You work a lot, so you value money.

Maria (Caller) (9:10)

I value having my own money.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (9:11)

Okay. Will you continue to invest in something monetarily wise that wasn't you wasn't getting a return on? Like, if you invested money until, like, say you put money in saving the account and you went back the next day and the bank shut down and the bank opened up the following day, would you put money back in that bank? No, probably not. Right? Get my point? I mean, it's either. It's real cut. It's real simple in that we get. A lot of times we compromise too much. If you're working two jobs, you're cooking, cleaning, and having sex, too. Correct? That's a lot. And your mate isn't giving anything back in return. I mean, what is exactly is his purpose there?

Maria (Caller) (9:48)

I would say he is, but it's not. 50, 50.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (9:52)

What do you want? 70, 30, or what exactly are you looking at?

Maria (Caller) (9:54)

No, I want 50. 50.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (9:55)

You want 50 50? Well, honestly, there's no such thing as 50 50. Somebody has to have more. Now, either you're gonna give him the advantage being 60 40, or you're gonna take it.

Host (Birch) (10:07)

What do you mean that there's no such thing as 5050 in a relationship?

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (10:10)

Because somebody has to take charge. Somebody has to be the head of the household. You can't have two heads. You can't have two captains. It just doesn't work out. Either that man, which is his natural role to take the leadership of that relationship with our marriage, or either that woman who's probably, you know, in some cases, who are the dominating figure in that relationship, she takes on that role. But somebody has to be the head of that household.

Host (Birch) (10:30)

All right, let's stop there for a second, because I know Jen and I know Melissa must have feelings about what you just said.

Jen (10:36)

I think I actually agree with him.

Caller or Listener (10:38)

Yeah, I agree with him.

Host (Birch) (10:38)

Oh, yeah?

Jen (10:39)

Yeah. I mean, I think it can be either person, but I think that in a successful relationship, you can't have two leaders. It's like too many chiefs, too many.

Host (Birch) (10:48)

Cooks in the kitchen.

Jen (10:49)

Yeah, maybe too many cooks in the kitchen, but I think that in certain subject matters, you can exchange that balance of power. So, like, in certain areas of the household, one person can lead, and then in other areas, the other person can lead. But I don't think you can both lead all the time.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (11:04)

Jeff.

Caller or Listener (11:05)

I think there's. I think there's a lot of fights that are attributed to that 50, 50 stuff. Jessica and I have had those fights in the past. I mean, it switches in our relationship or has switched in the past, like who does more stuff and who does whatever. And then there were issues like when we first moved to Philadelphia and I was working at my new job, and Jessica had to unpack the whole house, and. And we would have fights about, you know, the 50. Well, you're not doing your share. And then my argument was, well, my share was, you know, I'm going to work every day, still getting up at 4 in the morning. We had all these fights. And then finally we just came to realization that there's going to be. There's. There's going to be two different, you know, divisions of whatever, whether it's housework, income, you know, taking care of one another, all that stuff. It's not going to be a 50, 50 division. And that ended so many fights. And we've talked to other couples where it's. Once that is realized, once people realize that, it's not going to be 50, 50. And it was especially a problem when Jessica was making more money than I was. That was when it was.

Host (Birch) (12:14)

That threw everything at him.

Caller or Listener (12:15)

That was when it was the real problem. Because then it became a situation where, you know, like, I felt like, this need to overcompensate and try to do stuff around the house. And then we'd have fights because I would be mad at her because I was doing so much stuff around the house. And she's like, well, I'm working all the time.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (12:32)

Right.

Caller or Listener (12:32)

So once you drop that 50, 50 rule, life becomes so much easier. It is not. Life is not 50, 50.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (12:39)

It is never will. And in most cases, women want a man that they can look up to. They want a man that's a take charge type of guy. I've never forget, I was at a restaurant and a man and woman walks in, they're standing behind me and my date and the lady says, well whoever, the lady host comes and say, where do you want to sit? And he looks towards the lady like, where do you want to sit? She says, I don't care, what do you want to sit? They went back and forth like 10 times. And I'm looking at him like, you got to be kidding me. Just say, baby, we gonna sit right? There we go. Enjoy our dinner. I'm going to order for you, whatever it is, but just take charge. Now I'm looking at her and she's looking like, you got to be kidding me. And she ended up pointing, you know, leading the way to where they were going to sit. And a woman wants a man, you know, and not all the time, but they want a man who's smooth. But they want a man, as they say, with a little thug and a little rough side. They can say, hey baby, I'm pick eight o', clock, I'm taking you out to dinner, we're going to a 10 o' clock movie, we're gonna go back home, I got some lingerie laid out for you, we're gonna have great sex, then we're going to bed.

Host (Birch) (13:38)

I am so glad that I got married before Stacy heard you tell her what she should like because I'd be out of marriage right now. Hey Maria, did you get the answer? Did you get anything there from Tyee and from the rest of us?

Maria (Caller) (13:48)

I guess basically. So I'm just expecting too much.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (13:52)

No, you're not. You're not expecting. You're expecting too less when you put it like this. As a woman, when you have to cook, clean and have sex, your man should be an over provider because that's expected. That's like the number one issue I find in couples is that the man wants the woman to go out and do all these things. Cook, clean, come on, have great sex, raise the kids and work. I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. That's too much to ask for anyone. But if you're doing all of this and your man isn't giving anything back in return, you have to understand there's a fine line between love and stupidity. You have to find out which side of the line you're on. You never sacrifice Your happiness to make somebody else happy. You just don't.

Host (Birch) (14:30)

Okay, okay. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but okay.

Maria (Caller) (14:36)

No, no, no. It's not that. It's just.

Jen (14:39)

Well, you know what it is, is holding up a mirror and you're having to look really closely at your own relationship, which is hard to do. It's easy to analyze him. But when you got to take a look at it and you got to analyze yourself and what you really want, that's hard to hear.

Maria (Caller) (14:52)

And plus, my son has gotten attached to him, so that makes it a little more difficult.

Host (Birch) (14:55)

Yeah, that's a totally different element.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (14:57)

That's totally different. But understand this. I hear this a million times. I want to do what's best for my children. No, you do what's best for yourself, and that's doing what's best for your child. Because you do what's best for your child. You may lose out, and then that child sees you suffering, and in turn, your child suffers. Do what's best for you, and that's doing what's best for your child.

Maria (Caller) (15:15)

Okay.

Host (Birch) (15:16)

All right, Maria, we gotta run.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (15:17)

Be strong.

Maria (Caller) (15:18)

So much.

Host (Birch) (15:18)

All right, Bye.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (15:19)

Bye.

Caller or Listener (15:19)

Now she's like, if I call back in a minute, will you tell me what I want to hear instead of what you just said?

Host (Birch) (15:25)

Hey, Ty, we probably could have done this for the next two hours because the phone lines are lit up to talk to you and talk to us about tough love advice, but the first segment went a little too long.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (15:33)

Okay.

Host (Birch) (15:34)

So we're going to have to wrap it up here, but let's bring you back here in a couple of weeks. We'd love to have you in studio, man.

Jen (15:38)

Come back.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (15:38)

Sounds good. I enjoy myself. And let everybody know, going to my website, www.drtyee.com. that's D, R, T, I, Y E. And go on. I got a play coming out to civic center September. Doing a lot of great things around Atlanta. I'm the community guy. I go around, help people with different. I remember the big brother, big sisters. I do a lot with inner city youths and just anybody who needs any type of relationship advice. I get hundreds of emails a day.

Host (Birch) (16:03)

We'll link up to your website from ours. So if they can't remember yours, just go to allthitsq100.com, like we've told them a million times. Click on the Burt show. Click on you. We'll go right on over to your website. You also have a couple of books out, too.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (16:13)

Yes, yes. I brought it in for the staff My Mind, My Body, My Spirit, which is my last book. It's my first novel and just deals with relationship and relationship issues that women it's like a heal thyself book for women. Any woman that's ever been physically sexually abused, any woman's ever been cheated on by a man. This is a book for you because it helps. It was a book written about three women who grew up in the south and he discovered 29 years later they all shared this horrible past. And the book before that was Secrets Men Key, which is a relationship book to help men better understand themselves and help women better accept men in their behavior.

Host (Birch) (16:47)

Cool. You can go to allthehitsq100.com click on the birch Show. We'll link right on over to Tyee's website. Good having you in here, man.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (16:53)

Pleasure's all mine.

Host (Birch) (16:54)

Thanks for coming.

Ty E (Psychology Professor and Guest) (16:54)

Birch show number one. Had a great time.

Host (Birch) (16:55)

Appreciate it, man. The Birch Show.

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