Vault: War of Roses - Diane & Doug

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: War of Roses - Diane & Doug
Date: November 5, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast (in this episode): Bert (Host), Diane (Caller), Doug (Husband), Lindsey (Fake Florist), Jeff Bridges (guest commentator)

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Episode Overview

In this classic “War of the Roses” segment, Diane suspects her husband Doug is cheating — especially given his suddenly vague behavior and a history of unfaithfulness early in their relationship. The Bert Show team helps Diane by setting up a faux flower delivery to see if Doug will send roses to her or another woman. What follows is a mix of tension, awkwardness, and some unexpected emotion, all navigated with the Bert Show’s trademark blend of empathy and light-hearted ribbing.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Diane’s Suspicion and Her Story

• Diane shares her concern that Doug, her husband of 12 years, may be cheating again, as his recent behavior has grown distant and secretive.
  • “We got married, we were 18. I’m 30 now... Normally he’s very attentive and you know, polite and takes me out. But recently he’s just been not how he usually is. Like, he forgets to tell me things…” (Diane, 02:38)
• Specific incident: Diane recalls a recent Saturday when Doug was unreachable and had a suspicious story about a flat tire.
  • “I looked at his car and you know what? It could have been true or it could have not, but I don’t really know…” (Diane, 03:25)
• Diane reveals Doug has cheated before, in the very early stages of their relationship.
  • “He cheated on me once before… probably like 13 years ago… and that’s kind of how I knew.” (Diane, 03:08)
• Personal context: Diane is three months pregnant, adding to her emotional stress and self-doubt about whether hormones are fueling her fears.
  • “I don’t know if it’s maybe like hormones… I still take care of myself…I don’t know if I’m feeling, like, extra sensitive or…” (Diane, 04:22)

2. The Bert Show Panel Weighs In

• Bert sympathizes with the challenge of bringing up tough topics in long relationships.
  • “If you’ve been this guy for 12 years, then it seems like these are things that you should be able to bring up...” (Bert, 04:05)
• Jeff Bridges supports Diane’s intuition:
  • “You know what? If you have a doubt, you have a doubt. You know what I mean? And obviously, from what you’ve said, he is acting differently and you just want to know why.” (Jeff Bridges, 04:14)

3. The War of the Roses “Sting”

• Plan: The show calls Doug, posing as a florist offering a dozen free roses. Diane is silent on the line per the show’s rules.
  • “Hopefully it’s going to be back to you. OK? And the only thing that we ask is that you don’t say a word…” (Bert, 04:54)

4. The Call to Doug (War of the Roses Segment)

• Lindsey, pretending to be from “Fertile Flowers,” pitches the free roses.
• Doug’s skepticism: “What’s the catch?” (Doug, 05:52)
• But, reassured, Doug decides to participate.
• Crucially, he sends the roses to Diane:
  • “Send them to Diane.” (Doug, 06:32)
  • Card message: “With all my love. Always, Doug.” (Doug, 06:37-06:40)

5. Revelation and Aftermath

• Bert and Lindsey reveal the ruse.
  • “Hey, Doug. Hi, this is Bert and that was Lindsey. And we’re calling from radio station Q100.” (Bert, 06:42-06:44)
• Doug immediately suspects a setup:
  • “I knew something was going on….Nothing’s free.” (Doug, 06:48–06:54)
• Bert explains Diane’s fears:
  • “Diane’s mind’s been kind of going a little crazy these days... she just wanted to make sure she was the only woman in your life.” (Bert, 07:01–07:05)
• Diane tries to cover up her suspicion, backpedaling the real reason:
  • “No, I just. Sweetie, I just called because they said that they would give us free flowers.” (Diane, 07:20)
• Doug feels insulted by the implications:
  • “You guys are being a little rude here. I think you’re insulting my relationship here. Baby, I think you should hang up the phone.” (Doug, 08:57-09:07)

6. Concluding the Call

• The situation grows awkward, with both Diane and Doug eager to leave the conversation.
• Bert wraps things up with an embarrassed apology.
  • “Why don’t we all go? How’s that?... Our bad. Sorry about that.” (Bert, 09:09–09:11)
  • “Yeah, see ya. I’ll call you later.” (Diane, 09:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Diane’s uncertainty:
  • “I don’t know if I’m feeling, like, extra sensitive or. I don’t know, it’s just. It’s been really difficult.” (Diane, 04:22)
• Bert’s empathetic nudge:
  • “If you’ve been this guy for 12 years, then it seems like these are things that you should be able to bring up…” (Bert, 04:05)
• Jeff Bridges on doubt:
  • “If you have a doubt, you have a doubt. You know what I mean?” (Jeff Bridges, 04:14)
• Doug’s simple, heartfelt card:
  • “With all my love. Always, Doug.” (Doug, 06:37–06:40)
• Doug’s defensiveness:
  • “You guys are being a little rude here. I think you’re insulting my relationship here.” (Doug, 08:57)
• Awkward wrap-up:
  • “Why don’t we all go? How’s that?... Our bad. Sorry about that.” (Bert, 09:09)
  • “Yeah, see ya. I’ll call you later.” (Diane, 09:12)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:27] Diane explains her suspicions and background with Doug.
• [04:22] Diane reveals she’s three months pregnant.
• [05:33] Lindsey makes the flower “offer” call to Doug.
• [06:32] Doug chooses to send roses to Diane.
• [06:37] Doug’s message: “With all my love. Always, Doug.”
• [06:44] The Bert Show reveals the setup.
• [07:16] Diane backpedals the real reason for the call.
• [08:57] Doug expresses frustration with the show’s intrusion.
• [09:09] The show quickly winds down and apologizes.

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Tone and Atmosphere

The episode swings between tense and tender, with lots of awkwardness as the setup unfolds. The show hosts are sympathetic but also irreverent, trying to inject humor and kindness in a sensitive situation. Diane, initially anxious and vulnerable, becomes almost comically evasive once the truth is out, while Doug is bewildered and quickly defensive.

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Takeaways

• Diane’s anxieties stem from real past hurts, but Doug’s loyalty is ultimately reaffirmed.
• The “War of the Roses” formula leads to an awkward but revealing moment about trust and communication in relationships.
• Both parties leave the situation a bit bruised and embarrassed, but the hosts provide levity and a soft landing.

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This summary reflects the narrative and emotional arc of the episode, providing listeners with context, key developments, and memorable dialogue, while retaining the show’s candid and quirky style.

Transcript

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[Burt Show Host]

You're on the Burt Show. She is absolutely convinced that her man has been messing around on her. So she's going to try to catch him red handed with a war of the Roses. Hi, Diane.

[Hers Weight Loss Representative]

Hello.

[Burt Show Host]

You don't sound so great.

[Diane]

Well, yeah, I'm calling Ashley. Have you guys help me to figure out whether or not, of course my husband has been seeing somebody else.

[Burt Show Host]

What's his name and how long have you been married?

[Diane]

Well, his name's Doug and we've been married now for about 12 years. We got married, we were 18. I'm 30 now. So yeah, normally he's very attentive and, you know, polite and takes me out. But recently he's just been not how he usually is. Like, he forgets to tell me things and he does a lot of business meetings and usually he's, you know, very adamant about where he's going. He'll be like, oh yeah, we're going to PF Chang's for dinner or maybe, you know, going over to the W for lunch or something like that. But lately he's just been really vague.

[Burt Show Host]

Okay.

[Diane]

And that, I don't know, I'm sort of suspect. He cheated on me once before. This was a really long time ago when we first started dating, probably like 13 years ago, like the first six months that we were dating. And he cheated on me. And that's kind of how I knew.

[Burt Show Host]

He started doing the same things. Just became vague where he was hanging out and stuff like that.

[Diane]

Well, definitely. He's just being very elusive, you know. Okay, there's a perfect example. Last Saturday or whatever, we were supposed to meet up at the Home Depot and I was doing some errands, he was doing some errands, and we were supposed to meet there together. Well, probably like an hour and a half went by and I hadn't. I couldn't get ahold of him. I tried his cell phone, I tried to leave a message at the house and he never called. And then finally he shows up and he's like, oh yeah, I got a flat tire. And I was like. I looked at his car and you know what? It could have been true or it could have not, but I don't really know the difference. So I was very suspect at that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's never like that.

[Burt Show Host]

Here's what doesn't make sense to me. I mean, if you've been this guy for 12 years, then it seems like these are things that you should be able to bring up without the fear of it getting in the way of the relationship.

[Jeff Bridges]

You know what? If you have a doubt, you have a doubt. You know what I mean? And obviously, from what you've said, he is acting differently and you just want to know why.

[Diane]

There's an extra reason why I'm a little worried. I'm three months pregnant and I have a little bit, you know, I don't know if it's maybe like hormones. I mean, I'm not really showing. I still take very good care of myself. So I don't think. I don't think he's out, you know, because I'm not physically attractive anymore. But I just. I don't know if I'm feeling, like, extra sensitive or. I don't know, it's just. It's been really difficult.

[Burt Show Host]

There's just some weirdness going on here. And maybe it's, you know, the hormones, maybe you're being sensitive. But you've got, you know, like a common denominator here between now and what happened 13 years ago. So I guess it makes sense.

[Diane]

Yeah.

[Burt Show Host]

Okay, so here's what we'll do. Diane, we're going to have you on the line listening to everything go on. Lindsay's going to call up Doug pretending to be a florist, and she's going to offer him a dozen roses. And we're going to see who he turns around and sends these roses to. Hopefully it's going to be back to you. Okay. And the only thing that we ask is that you don't say a word until we find out who he's sending the roses to and also what he writes on the card.

[Diane]

Okay?

[Burt Show Host]

Okay. Okay.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Hello, is Doug in, please?

[Doug]

This is.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Hi, Doug, this is Lindsey from Fertile Flowers. How are you? Great. We are a brand new flower shop in the area and as part of a promotional offer, we'd like to send you a dozen long stem red roses. And they are completely free. Are you interested in sending someone free flowers?

[Doug]

What's the catch?

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

No catch. Like I said, we're a new shop in the area. Your name came up in our database. We've sent a whole bunch of people flowers already and we'd just like to include this offer to you.

[Doug]

Do you put me on a mailing list or something like that?

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Actually, no. We take you off the mailing list so we don't have to harass you or bother you anymore. Like I said, we're new in the area and we're hoping that maybe sometime someone will come back and do business with us. But in the meantime, we're gonna leave you alone after that. We just want to send you free flowers. You can send them to whomever you'd like.

[Doug]

Really?

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Yeah. You know, I just work for this company and they do a good job. They just send people flowers.

[Doug]

Alright.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Alright, Cool. First thing I need to do is fill out a card and then I'll get all the other information from you after that. But who would you like to send the roses to?

[Doug]

Send them to Diane.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Diane. Okay. And what would you like the card to say?

[Doug]

With all my love.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

With all my love.

[Doug]

Always, Doug.

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Always, Doug. Gotcha.

[Burt Show Host]

Hey, Doug.

[Doug]

Hello?

[Burt Show Host]

Hi, this is Bert and that was Lindsey. And we're calling from radio station Q100.

[Doug]

I knew something was going on.

[Burt Show Host]

No one offers a free dozen roses.

[Doug]

Nothing's free.

[Burt Show Host]

We have your wife Diane on the line actually right now.

[Doug]

Baby, what are you doing?

[Diane]

Hi, baby. Hi, honey.

[Burt Show Host]

Diane's mind's kind of been going a little crazy on her these days.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Burt Show Host]

And she just wanted to make sure that she was the only woman in your life. So she had us make this phone call to you just to see that, you know, it would be her that you'd be sending the flowers to.

[Diane]

Actually, I never said anything like that.

[Doug]

Baby, what's going on?

[Burt Show Host]

Hello?

[Diane]

No, I just. Sweetie, I just called because they said that they would give us free flowers. They like give away free flowers. So I just called and. To send you flowers because I know you normally send me flowers. So I thought it'd be a nice gift to send you some at the office.

[Doug]

That's nice, but I don't like. Why are we on the radio, baby?

[Diane]

Well, I just called to send you some flowers. They give away flowers, I listen and they usually give away flowers. So I called up and I thought, well, that might be kind of cool. I'll just send my man over some flowers.

[Burt Show Host]

There were just some, like, weird inconsistencies going on that she was just a little freaked out about.

[Doug]

Like what?

[Lindsey from Fertile Flowers]

Like the flat tire.

[Doug]

What are you talking about? Baby, do you think I'm cheating on you?

[Diane]

No, of course not. What are you guys talking about?

[Burt Show Host]

What are we talking about? Yeah, just the whole, you know, 13 years ago thing.

[Diane]

Yeah, Like I said, I've been married for 13 years and I'm completely in love with my husband. And you guys promised to send me flowers.

[Burt Show Host]

So, you know, the vagueness. Thirteen years ago when he messed around and now he's been a little vague.

[Doug]

Baby, you're telling them my life history now?

[Diane]

No, I have. No, honestly, sweetie, I swear they have A program. It's called win roses for your husband or your wife. And so I called up and told them that I wanted to send my husband roses.

[Burt Show Host]

Right, right, Diane, we have it on tape. You just called us to make sure he was.

[Diane]

No way. I called in. I left a mess. And you guys called me. You guys called me.

[Doug]

Right? You guys are being a little rude here. I think in your insulting. Insulting my relationship here. Baby, I think you should hang up the phone.

[Burt Show Host]

Why don't we all go? How's that?

[Doug]

Great. Let's end this phone call.

[Burt Show Host]

Our bad. Sorry about that.

[Diane]

Yeah, see ya. I'll call you later.

[Burt Show Host]

You're on the Birch show.

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