Vault: We Attempt To Help A Listener Find A Date For her High School Reunion

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: We Attempt To Help A Listener Find A Date For her High School Reunion
Release Date: January 23, 2026
Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)
Theme: Helping a listener, "Emma," find the perfect one-night date for a high-pressure high school wedding/reunion event.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around Emma, a listener facing the daunting prospect of attending a high school friend’s wedding—doubling as an unofficial reunion—as the only single guest. The Bert Show team mobilizes their audience, specifically seeking self-proclaimed matchmaking experts, to help Emma find an ideal date who can convincingly play her perfect boyfriend for one memorable night. The cast hilariously debates “boyfriend for hire” qualifications, the expectations Emma has, and how to keep things discreet, with the conversation underscored by real-talk, supportive advice, and the signature Bert Show humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Matchmaker Call-Out

[00:00–00:52]

• The cast appeals to their listener base for people with a knack for matchmaking, specifically those with a track record of successful couple setups.
  • A: "If you brag that there are five couples in your circle and you put them all together..." (00:32)

2. Emma’s Dilemma

[01:08–03:06]

• Emma joins the call, explaining her predicament: She’s the only single person attending a high school friend's wedding, which will also serve as a reunion.
• Several factors heighten the pressure:
  • A catty small-school atmosphere, where people will gossip if she arrives solo.
  • At least three now-married ex-boyfriends will be present.
  • Emma wants to look "impressive," meaning a charming, attractive, and socially adept escort.
  • A: "No less than three now married ex-boyfriends will be attending. Oh, so she is in need of someone to play the role of her boyfriend who is completely perfect. No pressure, though." (02:37)

3. Qualities of the Ideal Date

[03:06–04:48]

• The group distills what makes the perfect plus-one:
  • Charm and likability trumps looks or wealth.
  • The candidate should easily converse with anyone and handle social situations smoothly.
  • Emma prefers to meet and prep with the date beforehand to make their "relationship" believable, but not too elaborate.
  • Responsibility is key—no drunken shenanigans, please.
  • B: "I think that's more key than what he looks like...If it's somebody who can walk into a room and make friends quickly...that's exactly who you want." (03:25)
  • D (Emma): "I would like to be comfortable with each other and then say that we've known each other for a little." (04:08)
  • D (Emma): "I don't want to take somebody to a wedding with an open bar and be that guy in the middle of the dance floor..." (04:36)

4. Learning About Emma

[04:55–05:17]

• Emma’s brief intro:
  • Grew up in Atlanta, passionate about her job, enjoys live music and comedy, high school in Atlanta.
  • The show briefly jokes about small-world encounters and the risks of the date being a former classmate.

5. The Logistics & the Offer

[05:39–06:39]

• The wedding is just over a week away, so there's a tight turnaround for matchmaking.
• Compensation? Emma offers a trade: the selected date gets a night in which she'll be his designated driver for him and friends—“a night for a night.”
  • D (Emma): “Something in Atlanta that I would love is a DD for a night…so I thought that might be a good [trade]." (05:49)
  • A: "That's a night for a night." (06:08)

6. Laying Down the Ground Rules

[06:39–07:22]

• The team clarifies expectations: The date must convincingly play the boyfriend role, stay in character, and avoid revealing the arrangement.
• The show will post Emma's info for potential matchmakers and resume the story after the weekend.
  • A: "…then the matchmakers…will start scouring Atlanta to find the perfect guy… and then we can bring you together on the air on Monday morning." (06:59)

7. Q&A from Listeners

[07:55–09:14]

• Listener "Maria" (misnamed Kathy at first) calls in with a concern: Won’t Emma's high school friends figure out it's her from the radio?
  • The team reassures her: "Emma" is a pseudonym.
    • B: "Well, we did change her name." (08:29)
• Listener Kathy offers up a potential candidate but queries the acceptable age range.
  • The team promises to get clarity and pass along ages to matchmakers.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the pressure of being the last single guest:
  • A: "Reading from her email, it says this particular wedding is the epitome of every single woman's nightmare." (02:01)
• On preferring personality over looks:
  • B: "I think that's more key than what he looks like…somebody who can walk into a room and make friends quickly…" (03:25)
• Summary of responsibilities for the plus-one:
  • D (Emma): "I don't want to take somebody to a wedding with an open bar and be that guy in the middle of the dance floor..." (04:36)
• Exchange about discretion:
  • B: "Important that, like, the guy obviously can't get hammered and tell anybody the truth..." (06:39)

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Timeline of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Call for listeners with matchmaking experience | | 01:08 | Emma describes her predicament and the stakes | | 03:06 | Team and Emma specify ideal qualities for the plus-one | | 04:55 | Emma shares personal interests and background | | 05:39 | Logistics, trade offer (Emma offers to be DD for a night) | | 06:39 | Rules for date, prepping for the matchmaking process | | 07:55 | Listener calls: identity exposure concern, age question |

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Episode Tone and Takeaways

True to The Bert Show’s style, the episode mixes genuine empathy for Emma’s situation with quick wit, lively banter, and interactive engagement from listeners. The conversation navigates the stakes of high school reunions, the social politics of being single at milestone events, and the lengths people will go for a bit of social protection, all while keeping things light and fun.

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Conclusion

The show wraps up with Emma on hold, the team preparing to post for matchmaking volunteers, and listeners chiming in with both leads and concerns. The ultimate solution is to reconvene with Emma after the weekend, hopeful that a real-life fairy godparent will emerge from Atlanta’s matchmaking scene in time for her “night to remember.”

Transcript

[A]

The Birch Show. We need the help of a Birch show listener. Very specific Birch show listener. The listener we're looking for is somebody who considers themselves an expert matchmaker. Like somebody who is a. That person who. And we all know them, who has set up other couples who have gone on to get married and be happily married and everything's great, and everything's wonderful.

[B]

It's usually one of your girlfriends that loves the coupledom.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

She's very in love in her own relationship and wants everyone else to be. Be as in love. And so does the whole setup thing.

[A]

Yes. So we need that person. And if you are the person, we are at 404-741-1005. If you. You brag that there are five couples in your circle and you put them all together.

[C]

Right. Like I introduced them. Oh, you know what? I know you. You see that code? That great couple. I introduced them, right.

[A]

So I. Yeah, I introduced her to his. Oh, that was a blind date. I set that up. I worked with him, and I knew her from. From college, and I knew they would be perfect together. And we need your help. And probably more importantly, we have Birchow listener Emma, who needs your help. Hey, Emma, are you there?

[D]

Good morning, Burt show.

[B]

How are you?

[D]

I'm doing great. How are y'? All?

[A]

We're well, thank you very much. And we're gonna be happy to help you out, hopefully with the. With the help of a Bircho listener.

[D]

Wonderful.

[A]

Emma is in need of. I'll read from your email. The perfect man for one night and one night only.

[B]

Okay, I guess that is perfect. One night and one night only.

[D]

I actually have a wedding, and a wedding date is crucial to the night, but on top of that, it's a high school friend. So it's pretty much like a high school reunion and then a wedding all rolled into one. So I'm looking for the perfect date. And unfortunately for guys, weddings are pretty high pressure. You have to dress up, you have to dance, be social, and look really good all at the same time. So that's what I'm looking for.

[A]

Reading, Reading from her email, it says this particular wedding is the epitome of every single woman's nightmare. I am the only single person I know that is attending. Everyone else is paired off at this point. It's a high school friend, so it'll essentially be a reunion, as she said, it's. In addition, my high school is small and catty, so even people that do not attend the wedding will hear the gossip. If I show up alone, no less than Three now married ex boyfriends will be attending. Oh, so she is in need of someone to play the role of her boyfriend who is completely perfect. No. No pressure, though.

[B]

So we have a Birch show listener who's a matchmaker to help us find this guy.

[A]

Yes. Okay, so if you are the person who can pair everybody off now tell us what, in the eyes of your high school classmates, what would make this guy perfect? Does he need to be rich? Does he need to be good looking? Does he need to be physically fit? Does he need to be all the above?

[D]

I think just looking for someone that's impressive. So attractive, great personality. At weddings, the girls all get together. So it's the type of guy that can have conversation with anybody, somebody that the whole group will look at and say, that's a great person.

[B]

I think that that's more key than what he looks like or necessarily what he does for a living. Because if it's somebody who can walk into a room and make friends quickly and sort of, you know, carry on conversations, whether it's with her, like Aunt Ethel or whether it's with, you know, the other groomsmen or whatever, I think that's. That's exactly who you want. Yes, definitely a personality guy who can, you know, who can orchestrate that situation. That's. That's who it is now looking for.

[A]

All right, are you going to set this up so that you and the guy will spend a couple hours, like, briefing each other so it seems like it's a long term relationship, or are you just gonna say it's a, like, oh, this is our first date, or how. How is that gonna work?

[D]

No, I would prefer that we get to know each other a little bit. You know, I'm not gonna go in there and say, this is my boyfriend. We've been. But I would like to be comfortable with each other and then say that we've known each other for a little.

[A]

While, so he needs also to be smart enough that you create some flashcards or whatever. And he can remember that in high school, all through high school, you wanted to be a weather girl on the news. You tell him something like that, Right?

[D]

That'd be great. And then also somebody that's somewhat responsible. I don't want to take somebody to a wedding with an open bar and be that guy in the middle of the dance floor and toss your.

[B]

Sorry, you're out. So if somebody was listening and going to be matchmaker for you, they need to know a little bit more about you.

[D]

Okay. Grew up in Atlanta and very passionate about my job and what I do. I like to have fun, go out. Live music, comedy.

[B]

Cool. You said grew up in Atlanta and.

[A]

You went to high school here in Atlanta.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, so are you worried at all about the person who calls up actually being somebody else who went to your high school?

[D]

It's a possibility.

[A]

According to your email here, you want it to be a night to remember you're doing all the things that you need to do. But the wedding is a week from tomorrow.

[D]

Yes, very soon.

[A]

So the turnaround is fairly quick. Okay, now with. Yeah, now what? What will you be compensating this guy with?

[D]

Well, I've been thinking about that, and something in Atlanta that I would love is a DD for a night, somebody to drive around a group of my friends. So I thought that might be a good. For somebody who goes out with me for a night, then I could give them a night where they don't have to worry about that.

[A]

And that's fair. That's a night for a night.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Because I. So I'm assuming that when you take this guy to the wedding, that you want everybody to know you're together and are you going to fabricate a relationship with the person to your friends, or are you. It's just going to be. The reason I ask is because if he is pigeonholed where he can't kind of have freedom there, and he's going to talk and entertain other people, but if he has to play as if he's your boyfriend, then, you know, you do have to come to the table with something equal. So I think the designated driver for the night is smart, and it is.

[A]

Important that, like, the guy obviously can't get hammered and tell anybody the truth, like, what happened in camp. Right.

[C]

Or hit other people, you know, like.

[D]

Yeah, let's stay away from all of that.

[A]

All right, so here's what we'll do. We've got the details from your email. We've got the details that you gave us over the phone. So we're. We're going to. We'll put something up on our website.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We'll put a link to Tracy's email address, and then the matchmakers that we were talking about will start scouring Atlanta to find the perfect guy. But they're going to have to work on it over the weekend, and we'll have to check back in with you on Monday, hopefully, to be able to deliver to you good news about this. You know, they'll find the person over the weekend, and then we can Bring you together on the air on Monday morning.

[D]

Well, that all sounds great.

[A]

And then is it a black tie wedding or anything? Like, does the guy need to make any special preparations? Will he have any expense related to this?

[D]

It's probably just going to be a suit.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And then, of course, I'll buy the present, so there shouldn't be any cost for him.

[A]

Okay. All right, Emma, we're going to put you on hold, and we'll see if Tracy needs any additional information from you, and then we'll check back in with you this time Monday morning.

[E]

Great.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[A]

And it's encouraging. The phones are all ring, so.

[C]

Oh, great.

[A]

Let's. Oh, hold on. This is an important question. I just want to make sure there's no important questions. And there's one. Hey, Kathy.

[E]

I know, Jeff, this is Maria.

[D]

I just have a quick question. Yeah, everybody listens to the Burt Show.

[E]

She's not afraid that somebody's gonna hear her getting set up. I mean, she grew up in Atlanta, and it's a small wedding.

[D]

She gave the date.

[E]

How are they not gonna know that this is the chick who prearranges I'm Q100?

[A]

Yeah, that is a problem.

[C]

I appreciate you thinking everybody listens to the Burke show in the city of Atlanta. That's awesome.

[B]

Well, we did change her name.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that is true. Emma is a fake name.

[E]

Right. Okay, well, good luck for Emma. I hope it works out for her.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[E]

Bye, guys.

[A]

Hey, Kathy.

[E]

Hey, good morning, y'.

[D]

All.

[E]

Happy New Year.

[A]

Happy New Year. What's your question?

[E]

What kind of age is she looking for the man to be?

[A]

You know what? Well, I'm seeing if it's in the email, and it's not, but we will make sure that is put up on the website.

[E]

Oh, yeah, because I know a perfect guy. I mean, he's real invasive and he's great to get along with, and he's always out to have fun and stuff, but he's like early to mid-40s, but he's really cute. But anyway, so.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, well, hold on the line, Kathy. We'll get your information and then we'll. We'll get the answer from Emma and we'll see if you two can connect.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right, hold on. The bird show.