The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: We Explain Our Raise Your Hand Poll Answers
Date: March 3, 2026
Cast: Bert, Jeff, Jen, Wendy, Melissa

Episode Overview

In this special “Vault” episode, The Bert Show crew revisits their recent “Raise Your Hand” poll—a candid, sometimes uncomfortable collection of yes-or-no questions answered anonymously (with hands raised in-studio and a camera capturing the results). The real twist: today, each cast member comes clean about their answers, giving the audience behind-the-scenes context, hilarious honesty, and a little friendly peer pressure.

Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Honesty and the Nature of the Poll

• [00:40] The poll consists of “uncomfortable” yes-or-no questions answered anonymously on camera.
• Jeff admits to fudging a couple answers:
  • “I think I might have fudged on a couple of those.” (01:20, Jeff)
• Bert reflects on the pressure to answer honestly:
  • Discussion reveals that honesty can be tough, especially with personal or awkward questions.

2. Who Would You Save Off a Cliff?

• [01:33] Bert confesses he didn’t answer truthfully, feeling he’d prioritize whom he’d save.
  • “My first thought was Wendy, because she’s the youngest and… easiest one to fling over my shoulder.” (01:46, Bert)
  • Also considers Carter for her resilience after a kidney transplant.
  • Ultimately, jokes about leaving Jen and “havi” last.
• Group dynamics and playful banter
  • “You gotta pick one.” (03:04, Jen)
  • “I would probably have to go with Bert because… the children.” (03:09, Jeff)
• Lots of humor and mock betrayals as the group debates their choices.

3. Looking Up Exes Online

• [04:00] Question: “In the past week/year, have you looked up an ex online?”
  • Jeff is upfront about searching for an old flame (Tracy Cole from high school).
  • “She puked on my lap after a Padres game.” (04:17, Jeff)
  • Melissa and Jen both clarify their occasional curiosity about old boyfriends.
• Wendy admits:
  • “Well, yeah, you always kind of, like, browse ex-boyfriends.” (05:01, Wendy)

4. Sick Day Fibs

• [05:50] “Have all your sick day excuses in 2008 been accurate?”
  • Jen admits she called in sick for emotional reasons, not illness.
  • “Yeah, I was too upset to come in one day because of everything that happened over the last couple of months.” (06:04, Jen)
• Playful roasting from others (especially Bert).

5. Sleeping Alone vs. With a Partner

• [06:28] “Would you rather sleep alone at night?”
  • Bert and Jeff both admit they occasionally prefer having the bed to themselves.
  • “If my wife is out of town for a day or two, I sleep better in the bed when I’m alone.” (06:51, Bert)
  • Joking suggestions about “solo days of the month.”

6. Keeping Social-Climbing Friends

• [07:47] “Do you keep a friend around mainly for social advancement?”
  • Wendy gives an honest yes:
    • “You keep the people… so you can get into certain places…” (08:04, Wendy)
  • Bert and Jeff admit to having friends they don’t especially like, though not necessarily for status.
  • Jen makes a joke about not dropping those friends “off the cliff yet.” (08:49, Jen)

7. Financial Secrets in Relationships

• [09:13] “Have you hidden money from a significant other?”
  • Only Jen answers yes, but clarifies it wasn’t hidden, just separate:
    • “I had mostly separate accounts, so it wasn't something that I was like hiding…” (09:24, Jen)

8. Do You Prefer Work to Home?

• [09:34] “Do you like being at work more than home?”
  • Wendy: “I love it here. I have so much fun here. I think everyone’s fun…” (09:43, Wendy)
  • Jen supports, describing hanging out after hours.
  • For Wendy, work is a welcome distraction from solo living at home.

9. Adolescent Shoplifting Confessions

• [10:14] “Have you ever shoplifted?”
  • Bert shares a vivid memory about stealing a tube of paint as a kid and the guilt that followed.
    • “Every time I saw a cop car, peeing a little bit in my pants…” (10:52, Bert)
  • Jeff confesses to stealing candy with friends as a kid:
    • “…used to go into Kmart every day before Little League practice and steal candy every day for an entire season.” (11:54, Jeff)
• Group chuckles over the childhood misdemeanors.

10. Parents Catching Intimate Moments

• [12:15] “Has a parent walked in on you during sex?”
  • Jen and Jeff both answer yes.
  • Jeff tells story of being caught in a shower by a girlfriend’s mom:
    • “There was a trail of our clothes from her room into the bathroom…” (13:19, Jeff)
    • “She said, ‘Debbie, what are you doing?’ And Debbie said, ‘Nothing!’ Isn’t the proper answer.” (13:33, Jeff)

11. Embarrassing “Two Lovers in a Day” Question

• [13:53] “Ever had sex with two different people on the same day?”
  • Only Jeff answers yes, to general mock-disgust from the crew.
  • “That’s disgusting. Is that why you're breezing over it?” (14:02, Jen)
  • “Back in the day. Stupid stuff.” (14:10, Jeff)

12. Vomiting Stories: Alcohol, Food Poisoning & Regret

• [14:15] “Ever stuck your finger down your throat after eating?”
  • Jen and Wendy say yes, both referencing extreme drunkenness and the desire to feel better.
  • “You know when you get really hammered and… you eat a whole bunch of grease… your body will not let you go to sleep until you…throw up.” (14:19, Wendy)
  • Bert admits lying initially, then confesses to doing so after accidentally eating raw chicken out at a restaurant for safety:
    • “The person I was with said, go make yourself sick.” (15:40, Bert)
  • The group jokes about inability (or unwillingness) to force themselves to vomit, with Bert comparing his resolve to Tony Robbins:
    • “I am Tony freaking Robbins in a cab on the way home from a bar…” (16:07, Bert)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “My first thought was Wendy, because she’s the youngest and… the easiest one to fling over my shoulder.”
  — Bert [01:46]
• “She puked on my lap after a Padres game.”
  — Jeff [04:17]
• “Yeah, I was too upset to come in one day because of everything that happened over the last couple of months.”
  — Jen [06:04]
• “If my wife is out of town for a day or two, I sleep better in the bed when I’m alone.”
  — Bert [06:51]
• “You keep the people… so you can get into certain places…”
  — Wendy [08:04]
• “Every time I saw a cop car, peeing a little bit in my pants…”
  — Bert [10:52]
• “There was a trail of our clothes from her room into the bathroom…”
  — Jeff [13:19]
• “You know when you get really hammered and…your body will not let you go to sleep until you…throw up.”
  — Wendy [14:19]
• “I am Tony freaking Robbins in a cab on the way home from a bar…”
  — Bert [16:07]

Final Thoughts

This episode showcases the cast’s willingness to laugh at themselves, reveal embarassing moments, and poke fun at each other—all while talking about relatable, sometimes cringeworthy truths. The conversation is candid, funny, and peppered with memorable stories, making for both an entertaining listen and a revealing look at the personalities behind the microphones.