Vault: We Explain Our Raise Your Hand Poll Answers

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: We Explain Our Raise Your Hand Poll Answers
Date: March 3, 2026
Cast: Bert, Jeff, Jen, Wendy, Melissa

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Episode Overview

In this special “Vault” episode, The Bert Show crew revisits their recent “Raise Your Hand” poll—a candid, sometimes uncomfortable collection of yes-or-no questions answered anonymously (with hands raised in-studio and a camera capturing the results). The real twist: today, each cast member comes clean about their answers, giving the audience behind-the-scenes context, hilarious honesty, and a little friendly peer pressure.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Honesty and the Nature of the Poll

• [00:40] The poll consists of “uncomfortable” yes-or-no questions answered anonymously on camera.
• Jeff admits to fudging a couple answers:
  • “I think I might have fudged on a couple of those.” (01:20, Jeff)
• Bert reflects on the pressure to answer honestly:
  • Discussion reveals that honesty can be tough, especially with personal or awkward questions.

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2. Who Would You Save Off a Cliff?

• [01:33] Bert confesses he didn’t answer truthfully, feeling he’d prioritize whom he’d save.
  • “My first thought was Wendy, because she’s the youngest and… easiest one to fling over my shoulder.” (01:46, Bert)
  • Also considers Carter for her resilience after a kidney transplant.
  • Ultimately, jokes about leaving Jen and “havi” last.
• Group dynamics and playful banter
  • “You gotta pick one.” (03:04, Jen)
  • “I would probably have to go with Bert because… the children.” (03:09, Jeff)
• Lots of humor and mock betrayals as the group debates their choices.

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3. Looking Up Exes Online

• [04:00] Question: “In the past week/year, have you looked up an ex online?”
  • Jeff is upfront about searching for an old flame (Tracy Cole from high school).
  • “She puked on my lap after a Padres game.” (04:17, Jeff)
  • Melissa and Jen both clarify their occasional curiosity about old boyfriends.
• Wendy admits:
  • “Well, yeah, you always kind of, like, browse ex-boyfriends.” (05:01, Wendy)

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4. Sick Day Fibs

• [05:50] “Have all your sick day excuses in 2008 been accurate?”
  • Jen admits she called in sick for emotional reasons, not illness.
  • “Yeah, I was too upset to come in one day because of everything that happened over the last couple of months.” (06:04, Jen)
• Playful roasting from others (especially Bert).

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5. Sleeping Alone vs. With a Partner

• [06:28] “Would you rather sleep alone at night?”
  • Bert and Jeff both admit they occasionally prefer having the bed to themselves.
  • “If my wife is out of town for a day or two, I sleep better in the bed when I’m alone.” (06:51, Bert)
  • Joking suggestions about “solo days of the month.”

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6. Keeping Social-Climbing Friends

• [07:47] “Do you keep a friend around mainly for social advancement?”
  • Wendy gives an honest yes:
    • “You keep the people… so you can get into certain places…” (08:04, Wendy)
  • Bert and Jeff admit to having friends they don’t especially like, though not necessarily for status.
  • Jen makes a joke about not dropping those friends “off the cliff yet.” (08:49, Jen)

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7. Financial Secrets in Relationships

• [09:13] “Have you hidden money from a significant other?”
  • Only Jen answers yes, but clarifies it wasn’t hidden, just separate:
    • “I had mostly separate accounts, so it wasn't something that I was like hiding…” (09:24, Jen)

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8. Do You Prefer Work to Home?

• [09:34] “Do you like being at work more than home?”
  • Wendy: “I love it here. I have so much fun here. I think everyone’s fun…” (09:43, Wendy)
  • Jen supports, describing hanging out after hours.
  • For Wendy, work is a welcome distraction from solo living at home.

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9. Adolescent Shoplifting Confessions

• [10:14] “Have you ever shoplifted?”
  • Bert shares a vivid memory about stealing a tube of paint as a kid and the guilt that followed.
    • “Every time I saw a cop car, peeing a little bit in my pants…” (10:52, Bert)
  • Jeff confesses to stealing candy with friends as a kid:
    • “…used to go into Kmart every day before Little League practice and steal candy every day for an entire season.” (11:54, Jeff)
• Group chuckles over the childhood misdemeanors.

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10. Parents Catching Intimate Moments

• [12:15] “Has a parent walked in on you during sex?”
  • Jen and Jeff both answer yes.
  • Jeff tells story of being caught in a shower by a girlfriend’s mom:
    • “There was a trail of our clothes from her room into the bathroom…” (13:19, Jeff)
    • “She said, ‘Debbie, what are you doing?’ And Debbie said, ‘Nothing!’ Isn’t the proper answer.” (13:33, Jeff)

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11. Embarrassing “Two Lovers in a Day” Question

• [13:53] “Ever had sex with two different people on the same day?”
  • Only Jeff answers yes, to general mock-disgust from the crew.
  • “That’s disgusting. Is that why you're breezing over it?” (14:02, Jen)
  • “Back in the day. Stupid stuff.” (14:10, Jeff)

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12. Vomiting Stories: Alcohol, Food Poisoning & Regret

• [14:15] “Ever stuck your finger down your throat after eating?”
  • Jen and Wendy say yes, both referencing extreme drunkenness and the desire to feel better.
  • “You know when you get really hammered and… you eat a whole bunch of grease… your body will not let you go to sleep until you…throw up.” (14:19, Wendy)
  • Bert admits lying initially, then confesses to doing so after accidentally eating raw chicken out at a restaurant for safety:
    • “The person I was with said, go make yourself sick.” (15:40, Bert)
  • The group jokes about inability (or unwillingness) to force themselves to vomit, with Bert comparing his resolve to Tony Robbins:
    • “I am Tony freaking Robbins in a cab on the way home from a bar…” (16:07, Bert)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “My first thought was Wendy, because she’s the youngest and… the easiest one to fling over my shoulder.”
  — Bert [01:46]
• “She puked on my lap after a Padres game.”
  — Jeff [04:17]
• “Yeah, I was too upset to come in one day because of everything that happened over the last couple of months.”
  — Jen [06:04]
• “If my wife is out of town for a day or two, I sleep better in the bed when I’m alone.”
  — Bert [06:51]
• “You keep the people… so you can get into certain places…”
  — Wendy [08:04]
• “Every time I saw a cop car, peeing a little bit in my pants…”
  — Bert [10:52]
• “There was a trail of our clothes from her room into the bathroom…”
  — Jeff [13:19]
• “You know when you get really hammered and…your body will not let you go to sleep until you…throw up.”
  — Wendy [14:19]
• “I am Tony freaking Robbins in a cab on the way home from a bar…”
  — Bert [16:07]

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Final Thoughts

This episode showcases the cast’s willingness to laugh at themselves, reveal embarassing moments, and poke fun at each other—all while talking about relatable, sometimes cringeworthy truths. The conversation is candid, funny, and peppered with memorable stories, making for both an entertaining listen and a revealing look at the personalities behind the microphones.

Transcript

[Wendy]

Are you really buying a car online on autotrader right now? Really? I can get super specific with dealer

[Melissa]

listings and see cars based on my budget.

[Wendy]

You can really have it delivered or pick it up. I think kid is walking up the slide. Really?

[Jeff]

Autotrader.

[Jen]

Buy your car online.

[Jeff]

Really?

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[Jeff]

Hey, the Birch show. Hi, Melissa. You want to explain exactly what raise your hands poll is? It's been up online now for a couple of days so we can talk about it.

[Melissa]

Well, it's basically, we all submit some questions that might be uncomfortable for us here in the studio to answer. And so Tracy comes in, and she asks the questions, and we all raise our hands if it's a yes, and we keep our hands down if it's a no, because every question is a yes or no question. We also have a camera in studio, and we're recording these answers. So Tracy says on air, how many people raised their hand? And then that way you go [e-mail], see the video, and see exactly who raised their hand. And now I guess we're gonna explain why we may have raised our hands on some of these.

[Jeff]

All right, Jeff was the first to come forward. Cause we all sweared on something that we really cared a lot for before we went into this thing, that we were gonna answer honestly. And Jeff was the first to come forward and say, look, I think I might have fudged on a couple of those.

[Bert]

I don't even know why. Like, I think it's. I don't know why. Well, I just felt bad. Like, the one that keeps coming to mind is, if everybody was dangling from a cliff, would you save one before the other? And I didn't raise my hand. And the reality is, yeah, like, my first thought was Wendy, because she's the youngest and, you know, the smallest, the easiest one to fling over my shoulder. I mean, if I'm gonna save someone, I really don't exert myself to be quite honest with you.

[Jeff]

You and save both me and Wendy at the same time.

[Bert]

Just sweep you both up. And then, like Gulliver travel tube. What's the guy's Name. And then I thought, well, Carter, what a crappy way to go. Falling off a cliff after, you know, surviving years of kidney disease and then a successful transplant, like that would suck. So I thought about Carter, and then

[Melissa]

he dismissed it and said she had her second chance.

[Jeff]

It was a fleeting thought, Javi.

[Bert]

I really couldn't. I mean, if I'm being honest right now, I couldn't really think of any reason to save.

[Jen]

Just let me dangle.

[Melissa]

Bye.

[Jen]

Bye. Save yourself.

[Jeff]

You gotta go.

[Bert]

And then now Bert had to point it out, but I forgot he had children. Like, obviously, I don't want any two children or any children at all to be raised without a parent. So then even if it's a bad one.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Then I'd have to consider Bert. So. Yeah. So I didn't answer that one honestly because there would be somebody I would probably save first. Well, no, take that back. There's definitely someone I would save last. And that's hobby. The rest of you, I would have to sort out. So, like, I felt bad.

[Jeff]

Cause I don't know. How are you gonna answer it honestly? Who would you say first?

[Jen]

You gotta pick one.

[Jeff]

You gotta pick one.

[Wendy]

Who's first?

[Jen]

I mean, I'm happy to come in last place with you, but I would

[Bert]

probably have to go with Bert because his. Because of the children.

[Jeff]

But let the record show, please, man, think of the children.

[Bert]

So that was the one that came to mind. And I'm sure as you read these down, I'll go that one too. Because I remember we. I sat in the office with Tracy, and I'm like, will you read them to me again?

[Jeff]

Okay, so let's do these. In the past week. Yeah, this is one of the first ones. Whenever we're answering these, my first thought is, lie. Don't deal with the stress that's going to come with these. Just lie through it. It's just a radio segment. I know. And I answered them honestly.

[Melissa]

What's fascinating is the one who. Who he's just talking about how. Just lying, you know, and he could make it easy on himself, but he's the one that initiated the swears that we all had to do.

[Jeff]

Yeah. So in the past week, have you looked up an ex online? Everybody said no except me. So let me explain.

[Wendy]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

Every time. Not every time. In a lot of conversations I've had about Facebook, people are telling me how they've hooked up or reconnected with people from their high schools online.

[Bert]

Sure.

[Jeff]

And I now have a stupid amount of friends on Facebook. A stupid amount. Right. And I have not reconnected with one person from high school. Not one person. So while I was on the other day, I said to myself, damn it, I'm gonna reconnect with somebody. And the first person that came to mind was that girl that I told you guys about. Remember? She was a freshman. I was a senior. She puked on my lap after a Padres game. Tracy Cole. For whatever reason, I just want to. I was interested to see what she turned into because she was, like, freshman president. She was, like, from this fantastic family, and she just had it all going. So I was just. I thought, I wonder what she's turned into. So I looked her up on Facebook.

[Melissa]

Did you find her?

[Jeff]

I did not. Okay. In the past year, have you looked up an ex online? I said yes. That was the Tracy Cole one. Jeff said yes. Jen said yes. Melissa said no. Wendy said yes.

[Wendy]

Well, yeah. You always kind of, like, browse ex boyfriends.

[Bert]

I'm surprised you didn't, Melissa, because you had a reunion.

[Melissa]

Yeah, but, I mean, I dated guys

[Jen]

back then, so who cares?

[Jeff]

That's funny, Jen. You have.

[Jen]

Yeah, I think I have. It was kind of vague, but I think I looked up my college boyfriend. When I was a freshman in college at Florida State, I dated a guy named Patrick, and I looked him up to see if he was on MySpace, and he wasn't.

[Jeff]

Okay, Jeff.

[Bert]

I think just same thing, just being on Facebook, and I think I got one or two clicks from, you know, or whatever friend requests from people that I went to high school with. So then you start clicking through, and they're like, oh, I remember that. Oh, yeah. Oh, she was friends with a girl I was in love with. And then click and read all about them and find out how they're miserably happy in the Midwest.

[Jeff]

You wish for the worst, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. Have all of your sick day excuses in 2008 been accurate? In other words, have you ever lied about why you were not coming in? Jen is the only one to answer yes to that.

[Jen]

Yeah, I was too upset to come

[Jeff]

in one day because of everything that happened over the last couple of months.

[Jen]

Certainly excusable, but. And it was. I remember it because it was a day that it was just gonna be Melissa and Jeff and I on the show. And normally, I would have never called in sick.

[Jeff]

Mm. That makes perfect sense.

[Bert]

This is reinforcing my decision to let you fall off the cliff.

[Jen]

Bye.

[Jeff]

Bye. This is the one I really wanted to answer today. Regardless of your relationship status, would you rather sleep alone at night?

[Bert]

Oh, yeah.

[Wendy]

You buried yourself.

[Jeff]

Well, I buried myself, but Jeff said that he would have answered the same way had he thought more about it. Like what I thought was long term. Absolutely not. But the truth is, and I've said this before, that if my wife is out of town for a day or two, I sleep better in the bed when I'm alone. So for. From just every now and then, yes. Long term. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Bert]

I had the same thing. I think I just answering this question. I just got too in my head about it and I'm like, well, no, I don't want to sleep, but I'm with Bert. There. There's certain. There should be designated like every third Wednesday, Thursday, Friday should be solo days of the month or something like that, because, you know, you get the whole thing.

[Jeff]

It's yours, man. Yeah.

[Bert]

And you put build up pillows around you and you make a fort.

[Jen]

Careful what you wish for there, fellas.

[Jeff]

Right. Just as I said carefully, three days a month.

[Jen]

Careful what you wish for.

[Bert]

One weekend a month or two.

[Jeff]

Two weekends a month, maybe. Oh, no, new. You're on your own. You're on an island by yourself on that one.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Pillow for it.

[Jeff]

Do you have a current friend that you don't really care for, but you keep as a friend because they will advance your social status? Wendy, you said yes.

[Wendy]

Well, yeah, yeah. Without naming. Well, without name.

[Bert]

You have to name names, right?

[Wendy]

No, you don't have to name names.

[Jen]

No.

[Wendy]

Like, I think you keep the people that you wouldn't hang out with daily just so you can get into certain places and you sort of have a group when you already get there that you know, so you're not too uncomfortable. But they can always give you a little step ahead at certain places so you're kind of nicer to them, even if you don't want to be.

[Jeff]

So it's a person you don't even necessarily like, but a person you're keeping around because they can do good for you.

[Wendy]

Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Get you in a club.

[Wendy]

I think everybody does that every once in a while.

[Jeff]

Jeff, you answered yes to that one also.

[Bert]

Yeah, I put my hand up before I heard all of the question and I thought it was gonna be, does anybody have a friend in their life that they are still friends with, but they don't really like? You know, just somebody you haven't broken up with. And so I put my hand in the air and then. So I got lots of those.

[Jen]

Just haven't gotten around to dropping them off. The cliff yet?

[Bert]

Not lots, but more than I'm comfortable with. So that's what I raised my hand for. But the social status thing, I mean, other than Bert, not really.

[Jen]

Is one of them known as Red Mask?

[Jeff]

No Red Mask.

[Bert]

Check away.

[Jeff]

Oh, you're not gonna help your social status.

[Bert]

Yeah, yeah. I keep checkaway around to get into clubs and Rio Grande.

[Jeff]

Do you have money that your significant other doesn't know about? Or if you are not currently in a relationship, have you hidden money from your last relationship? All said no, except Jen.

[Jen]

Yeah, I had mostly separate accounts. I mean, I had mostly separate accounts, so it wasn't something that I was like hiding. But it wasn't something I disclosed either.

[Jeff]

Makes sense. Over the past six months, do you like being at work more than you like being at your home? Wendy is the only one that said yes.

[Wendy]

I love it here. I have so much fun here. I think everyone's fun here. So I like hanging out. So I don't have anything to do at home. I live by myself. So it's much more fun to be at work. It gives me something to do. I hate sitting still. So at work, I'm moving.

[Jen]

I was here late yesterday till like 3:30 and Wendy and I were having a great time. Yeah, just hanging out all day.

[Wendy]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Jeff]

So it's not that you're miserable at home. It's more fun here.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

And I'm moving and I'm just not bored.

[Bert]

That right there is going to slow down the home studio process.

[Wendy]

Well, a nap's nice every once in a while.

[Jeff]

Have you ever shoplifted anything? I said yes and Jeff said yes. What'd you steal?

[Bert]

Your heart.

[Jeff]

Wow. That's not shoplifting. I gave it to you.

[Wendy]

Do you guys need a moment?

[Jeff]

I think we just had it.

[Bert]

I have a very distinct memory as a kid, and I have no idea how old I was, but of taking a tube of paint from a hardware store. I was there with, I think my dad, my grandmother, they were off, you know, probably buying whatever project my grandmother needed to do around the house. I have a very distinct memory of like taking this tube of paint and like, I don't know why, like, I didn't even need to paint anything.

[Jeff]

It was just like this felt good.

[Bert]

Well, yeah, it felt good. And then I spent the rest of, you know, that summer, whatever summer it was. Every time I saw a cop car peeing a little bit in my pants, like I was convinced that I was gonna go to. I was gonna get executed for that. Like, I'd see a movie. I'd walk in, my parents are watching a movie, like an old school western where they're killing somebody at the firing squad. And I just burst into tears. I have a panic attack. But that's the. I don't know why that memory. You know how some childhood memories are just very like I can see the tube of paint. I can see myself standing in front of the rack. I know where the door to the. What color was the door was black. And I remember like it was a white tube with a black cap. Black writing on it. Looked like a big fat toothpaste tube. Like a tube that hair gel would be in. And I remember seeing the door and I remember just getting out there and hiding it.

[Jeff]

At least yours was a one time offense, I'll confess that. Oh no. Yeah. In Little League I ran with a pack pack of hoodlums back in the day.

[Jen]

And the dark streets of San Diego,

[Jeff]

the mean streets of Spring Valley, California. We used to go into Kmart every day before a Little League practice and steal candy every day for an entire season.

[Jen]

What was your candy of choice?

[Jeff]

If it was available? It was done, it was taken. And we would.

[Jen]

Jolly Ranchers.

[Jeff]

You take the stuff and you sort it out later.

[Jen]

Oh, okay.

[Jeff]

So it was every day. It was really, really bad. Have you ever had a parent walk in on you during sex? Jen said yes and I said yes. Your own parent? No, somebody else's parent. A boyfriend?

[Jen]

Mm hmm. No comment.

[Melissa]

I don't have to go further, do I?

[Jeff]

Was it a long time ago?

[Jen]

Oh yeah, really long time ago. Back in the day.

[Melissa]

I would feel bad right now if if somebody's parent walked in on them now I'd be concerned.

[Bert]

Happened a week and a half ago.

[Jeff]

Well, was it somebody that might be listening right now?

[Jen]

No, it's just horribly embarrassing. But yeah, it was a high school

[Bert]

boyfriend and you guys were his mom.

[Jen]

Yeah, it was after school.

[Bert]

You guys were in his room. You guys got up there and knocked the baseball car collection to the floor. He ripped his baseball jersey off of

[Jen]

him and you're going too far.

[Bert]

Game on. Enough.

[Jen]

Enough description from you.

[Jeff]

I got caught twice actually. Same girl, different parents. Once was in the shower.

[Jen]

Oh no.

[Jeff]

And it was a glass shower.

[Bert]

Hey.

[Jeff]

Mom came home from work early and there was a trail of our clothes from her room into the bathroom. And she opened up the bathroom door and there we were in the shower. There's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

[Wendy]

What'd she say?

[Jen]

That's really.

[Jeff]

She said, debbie, what are you doing? And Debbie said, nothing Isn't the proper answer.

[Bert]

Don't you know?

[Jeff]

Right. And the second one was the same girl, but her best friend's mom caught us together in her best friend's house.

[Wendy]

That's comfortable.

[Jeff]

God, these are nasty. What? Have you ever had sex with two different people on the same day? Everybody answered no, except I answered yes to that.

[Jen]

That's disgusting. Is that why you're breezing over it?

[Jeff]

It's not helping.

[Bert]

She's doing the yada yad.

[Jeff]

Back in the day. Stupid stuff. Have you ever stuck your finger down your throat after eating? Let's stop there. Jen and Wendy both said yes.

[Wendy]

Okay. Like, you know when you get really hammered and then you go to, like, some place like Waffle House and you eat a whole bunch of grease and you're just feeling disgusting, and you're disgusting anyways. Before you went and ate. And you need to. You have to throw up because your body will not let you go to sleep.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Until you do. There you go.

[Jeff]

I think if it's alcohol, it's okay.

[Jen]

Yeah. Yeah. Exact same scenario for me. I've never done that sober, but sometimes the room won't stop spinning. Yeah, you do.

[Bert]

I can't imagine doing that because I don't think I would ever eat Waffle House sober. So if I get drunk enough and it tastes so good and it's in

[Jeff]

me, you can't let that back. You can't regurgitate that.

[Bert]

I'll hold it down.

[Melissa]

That's a waste of money.

[Bert]

Yeah. $4.38.

[Wendy]

Or sometimes if you're really sick, you feel it. I mean, I've done it when I've been sick. Like, your body just feels disgusting. That that's what you have to do to just kind of.

[Bert]

Oh, I actually realized. I just realized now that I've lied about this one.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I was at a.

[Jeff]

You stuck your finger down somebody else's throat to make them throw up at you.

[Bert]

No, I did it to myself when I was at a restaurant and was eating lunch and not really paying attention to what you're eating. And then I looked down at the sandwich that I was eating, and it was raw chicken. It hadn't been cooked all the way through, so the middle was totally raw. And I knew it tasted weir. And the person I was with said, go make yourself sick.

[Jeff]

And you did it.

[Bert]

Because I had already had, like, this, like, my second bite of it, and I'm like, no, I think it's cool because I think it was cooked on the edges, and they're like, you don't want to deal with it if it's not go.

[Jeff]

That is not an option for me. I mean, even drunk, I will stand in front of that mirror sweating it out, talking myself into not throwing up before I stick a finger down my throat.

[Jen]

See, I'm the opposite. I'll talk myself into it because I know I'll feel better the next day if I do.

[Wendy]

You totally feel better. You should try it.

[Bert]

I am Tony freaking Robbins in a cab on the way home from a bar where I think where I'm like, oh, man, you can do this.

[Jeff]

You are strong.

[Bert]

You're not gonna get sick. The cab driver's like, dude, you're in the car alone. I know.

[Jen]

I am.

[Bert]

I am in the car alone with no vomit.

[Jeff]

Hey, the bird show.