Vault: We Tested a Magazine's Attraction List on Real Guys

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: We Tested a Magazine's Attraction List on Real Guys

Episode Date: April 2, 2026
Main Theme:
In this episode, the Bert Show crew puts a women's magazine article to the test, evaluating a list of "Five Little Things That Drive Guys Crazy (In a Good Way)" by discussing how true or accurate its points are from a male perspective. The team debates whether the advice is actually written by or for men, sharing personal experiences and authentic reactions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origins and Authenticity of Magazine Advice

• Jen introduces the segment by expressing skepticism about whether so-called "guy-written" magazine articles are truly authored by men, prompting discussion about the authenticity of such advice.
• The guys agree there’s frequent confusion (and some amusement) over who actually writes these columns, with Burt joking:

  "I am never quite sure if these are written by guys or written by women." (01:31)

2. The "Five Things" List—True or False?

The team breaks down each point from the magazine, offering candid male perspectives:

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1. Crying at Movies

• Magazine Claim: Men like when women cry watching movies—it melts their hearts.
• Reactions: The group is generally indifferent, with some nuance.
  • Carl: "I don't care." (02:11)
  • Jeff: Sees it as confirmation of "girliness" (02:15)
  • Burt: "If she didn't cry during a scene that I would think every woman would cry at, I would question it. She's too hard." (02:18)
• Debate on Over-Crying:
  • Jeff: "Overly crying for me could be a deal breaker...you could bring me stress down later on down the line." (03:03)
  • Burt: "That's like, a sign of, like, too much baggage right there." (03:11)
• Women’s Perspective: Crying isn't always about sadness; it's also a way to relieve stress.
• Memorable Moment:
  • The team bonds over the infamous Sarah McLachlan pet adoption commercials, admitting even they find them unbearably sad.
    • Jen: "I always cry on those animal commercials... It's just torture right there." (03:53)

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2. Biting Your Lip to Suppress a Smile

• Magazine Claim: Guys find it irresistibly cute and sexy, especially if there’s lip gloss.
• Unanimous agreement: "There is no situation where a girl biting her lip isn't sexy." – Burt (04:59)
• Notable Quote:
  • Burt: "If you don't. Unless you draw blood." (08:49)

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3. Playing Sports (Regardless of Skill Level)

• Magazine Claim: Guys like when women play sports, even badly.
• Group Reaction: Very true, even if the woman isn't skilled.
  • Burt: "Even if you suck at it. Yeah, 100%." (05:21)
  • Carl: Agrees and jokingly hesitates at being outplayed.
• If She’s Too Good?:
  • Carl: Laughs at the idea but jokes about the male ego.
  • Jeff: Shares that his wife is aggressive in basketball, which is both "kind of sexy" and a challenge for his own pride. (06:07)
• Limits:
  • Carl: "If you go home and you gotta ice up and you're bruised, if you gotta lie to your friends how you got the cut or bruise because your wife gave it to you, it's not sexy anymore." (06:39)

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4. Watching Her Sleep

• Magazine Claim: Watching your partner sleep is endearing.
• Split Reception:
  • Carl: Finds it "kind of creepy." (06:52)
  • Burt: Enjoys the sweet, reflective moments when watching his wife sleep.

    "It's just sort of a reflective, taking it all in, like, right, this is my life. This is my wife. And, yeah, I'll stare at her." (07:14)

• Consensus: Cute in moderation; staring for long periods is weird.

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5. Seeing Her at Work (Being Good at Her Job)

• Magazine Claim: Watching a woman be an expert at her job is attractive.
• Mostly True:
  • Burt: "When Stacy is successful at something...I do get turned on by that." (08:18)
  • Jeff: "I'm proud of my wife when she does a good job..." (08:23)
• Joking Caveat:
  • Carl: "Depends on what her job is. Like, if she's a stripper. Not sure how I feel about that." (08:12)

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Additional Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Effortless vs. Made-Up Looks:
  • Burt: "Women spend so much time putting yourselves together...in a lot of cases, we like you messy." (09:11)
  • Carl: Jokes about the "Lost" actress Evangeline Lilly looking hottest disheveled, not on the red carpet. (09:21–09:30)
• General Conclusion: The group agrees most points are accurate, with the show’s trademark banter and playful honesty.
  • Burt: "I think for the most part, it sounds like a pretty accurate list. Yeah." (08:41)
  • Jen: "Maybe it was written by a guy." (08:43)
  • Carl: "All right, we got it, Bert." (08:54)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:09] — Jen introduces the “Five Things” list.
• [01:43 – 04:45] — Crying at movies: discussion, personal stories, animal commercials detour.
• [04:45 – 05:04] — Lip biting: everyone agrees it’s attractive.
• [05:04 – 06:46] — Playing sports: skill level, competitiveness, male egos.
• [06:46 – 07:48] — Watching partner sleep: endearing or creepy?
• [07:48 – 08:41] — Watching her at work: pride and attraction.
• [08:41 – 09:33] — Wrap-up, extra thoughts on attractiveness, natural vs made-up looks.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is a fun, candid look at which supposedly "irresistible" female behaviors actually work on real guys, as the Burt Show crew cuts through magazine clichés with humor and personal experience. The main message: authenticity and effort often win, but there’s plenty of room for playful clichés—just don’t overdo them or take advice too literally.

Highlight Quote:

“Women spend so much time putting yourselves together...in a lot of cases, we like you messy.” — Burt (09:11)

Perfect for listeners seeking a mix of relatable relationship insights and laughs.

Transcript

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[Jen]

We read girl magazines, women's mag, interest magazines. They write articles that are supposed to be from guys, but I always think that they're probably written by women. So I'll bring them in here and run them by the guys in here and see if you guys think they're giving us good advice in the women's magazines or bad advice.

[Jeff]

We should grab Carl, too. Can you grab Carl? Just yell down the hall.

[Lily]

I will.

[Jeff]

Because I really am half a man at this point.

[Lily]

Well, I mean, and Jeff has hosted a baby shower, so.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah, we need to call.

[Bert]

I got my man card back this weekend when I pulled the car out of the ravine.

[Lily]

I thought you said you called aaa.

[Bert]

Oh, I. Oh, you didn't hear this? You didn't hear the whole story? AAA couldn't get it done.

[Jen]

Really?

[Jeff]

You had to go behind the car and lift it out yourself?

[Bert]

I got it.

[Lily]

Is this a case in which somebody loosened up a can lid and then you just came in?

[Bert]

I even gave the idea to aaa. I'm like, you know what? I could do this, couldn't I? He actually said I wouldn't. But if you want to try and

[Jeff]

you did it and you pulled it off.

[Bert]

Bring it. Hey, Carl. What's up, man?

[Carl]

What's going on?

[Jeff]

We need your help here. Jen has a list of questions out of a girl's magazine and she's not sure if it was written by a guy or not, so she needs to know if what she's reading here is right or is it accurate.

[Jen]

Basically, it says five little things that drive us crazy. Good crazy, not bad crazy. So these would be things that girls do that you guys really like. Like, drive you crazy in a good way.

[Jeff]

Like in a sexy kind of way or something that we really kind of think is cute kind of way.

[Jen]

Yeah, it's kind of cute and sexy kind of way.

[Bert]

So we'll give you grief about it, but reality is, keep doing it.

[Jen]

But, yeah, you kind of like it. So it's more of, like, a true or false thing. And then you guys can explain as we go.

[Jeff]

Okay, I'm with Jen. I am never quite sure if these are real written by guys or written by women. Like, if I'm reading Maxim and it's dudes giving other dudes advice or women giving dudes advice, I'm not even sure.

[Jen]

You think it's written by a guy and then you question it. Yeah, it's the same thing. I'm like, these are things I think that girls would think would be cute, but maybe guys don't. So the first one is when you cry watching a movie. Maybe it's because we hardly ever do it, but we watch your heart melt, and it just kind of melts our hearts. I hardly ever cry because of what's going on in the movie, but I do sometimes cry because of watching my girlfriend cry.

[Jeff]

Is that true for y'?

[Lily]

All? Do you, like, say that again. So.

[Jen]

So guys like it when girls cry in movies.

[Jeff]

Okay, I don't care. Me neither. Doesn't make any difference one way or the other.

[Carl]

If she does, it confirms that girliness in her.

[Jeff]

If she didn't cry during a scene that I would think that every woman would cry at, I would question it. She's too hard.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Like if. Like if a character in a movie loses a baby, like if it's the

[Bert]

end of Grey's Anatomy or the girl

[Jeff]

I'm with or something and she doesn't cry, if she doesn't even tear up, I'd start to wonder if the whole

[Jen]

movie theater is sobbing except for your girlfriend.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it could go the other way.

[Jen]

What about an overcryer? Like, if she overly cries at something that's not really that sad too much.

[Jeff]

But it's not. But it's never a break.

[Lily]

Pineapple Express.

[Jeff]

I cried because I think I ordered that on Demand and lost $6. I don't think overly crying is a deal breaker. It's just like, that's who she is.

[Carl]

Overly crying for me could be a deal breaker. Yeah. If it's too much, you could Bring me stress down later on down the line.

[Jeff]

Do you think that's like, a sign of, like, too much baggage right there?

[Bert]

Yeah, too much.

[Jen]

Okay. But a little bit of crying is okay.

[Jeff]

No worries. Especially in the beginning. We expect it. Y' all told us. Don't women cry, like, once a day?

[Lily]

I mean, a lot? Yeah. Women don't cry just because we're sad. We cry to get stress out. Our bodies just. I mean, that's part of the way that we just process stuff.

[Jeff]

When is the last time? And then we'll get back to the list. Honestly, for all three women in here, When's the last time you guys cried?

[Jen]

I teared up when I heard about Bea Arthur yesterday.

[Jeff]

About Bea Arthur yesterday. You guys teared up about that.

[Jen]

Sunday morning.

[Lily]

CBS is Sunday morning with this great. This great thing. An old interview with Wendy.

[Bert]

I knew when it was for Wendy. She already told me. Rio Grande ran out of Patron yesterday.

[Lily]

No, I always cry on those animal commercials. So Saturday afternoon, I had to change

[Jen]

the channel with the Sarah McLachlan.

[Lily]

Why do they do that?

[Jen]

Yeah, that's just torture right there. Oh, it's the adoption. It's like, give a pet a home. And it's just these. Oh, my. Gut wrenching footage of these animals that need to be adopted with the Sarah McLachlan song Running in the background.

[Bert]

Look at the icy stare from purebred Burt. He's like, adopt what?

[Jeff]

No, I just.

[Lily]

It's really sad.

[Jen]

Slit your wrist sad. Yeah, it's awful. Terrible.

[Podcast Host]

I'm whiskey on that one.

[Lily]

Wendy.

[Jen]

I have to change the channel. Every time that commercial comes on, I'm

[Lily]

like, no, where is it in the promotion? I was like, turn it off. Then all you have to do is hear it at that point. Then you're like, screw you, commercial. Now I'm sobbing, and now I'm gonna go adopt an animal.

[Jeff]

I think we're proving a point that women cry every day.

[Jen]

All right, so the next one on the list, they say that guys like girls to do is bite your lip to keep from smiling.

[Jeff]

Oh, yeah. I do think that's really cute and sexy.

[Jen]

They say, especially if you have lip gloss on.

[Carl]

Oh, yeah.

[Jen]

Doesn't that sound like a girl comment? Doesn't that sound like a girl wrote that?

[Jeff]

I don't care who wrote it. It's accurate. There is no situation where a girl biting her lip isn't sexy.

[Jen]

Okay, so we'll keep doing that one. This one I was curious about. It says, when you're playing a sport, I don't care if it's soccer or tennis or what? Or even if you're any good at it, they say. Informal poll of my guy friends reveals watching their love interest go out to get physical is very appealing.

[Jeff]

100% right. Even if you suck at it. Yeah, 100%.

[Jen]

Just going out and trying. Even if you're terrible at it.

[Jeff]

Even if you're terrible. If you dress the part. Even better. If we're going to throw the football around and you put a football jersey on, we will never make it out.

[Carl]

Come out there with a helmet.

[Lily]

Really?

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Jen]

You feel the same way? What if she's too good at it? What if she's better than you at it?

[Bert]

Come on, now.

[Lily]

That's most of the time.

[Carl]

Come on, now.

[Jeff]

It can't happen, right? It depends what sport we're talking about.

[Jen]

Like, say you're just going out and you're going to shoot hoops and she beats you at horse three times in a row. Do you get frustrated with that, or are you okay with that?

[Jeff]

Again, it's not a deal breaker. But inside, everybody, we're back with a course.

[Jen]

Do you want us to play the sport? Just not be better than you at it?

[Bert]

Then it goes back to the.

[Lily]

Let him win. So there's stuff in the game.

[Bert]

Yeah, the ego discussion from last week.

[Carl]

You know what? But I have my. My wife Nichelle, she played. She played basketball. And when we play basketball, sometimes she's real aggressive. And, you know, I try to let her, like, give her her, you know, her girliness, but she's real aggressive. She's always elbowing me and things like that, and I try to give it to her, but at times I find myself, you know, just trying to man up a little bit because I don't want her to just elbow me. But it is kind of sexy that she's aggressive like that, but too sexy sometimes.

[Jeff]

See, Stacy will go the other side.

[Bert]

She leaves you black and blue. If you go home and you gotta ice up and you're bruised, if you

[Jeff]

gotta lie, friends, how you got the cut or the bruise because your wife gave it to you, it's not sexy anymore.

[Jen]

All right, the next one on the list is watching us sleep. The guys could and sometimes do watch us sleep.

[Bert]

It's kind of creepy.

[Carl]

Is it creepy? Y' all answer first.

[Bert]

I mean, you answer first. Now, it depends on what it is. Like, if you walk in and you're getting ready for bed and she's already asleep and you stand there for two seconds. But, like, if you're bringing a Rocking chair into the bedroom and just sitting at the corner staring at her while she sleeps.

[Jen]

That's creepy.

[Lily]

So Carl watches his wife sleep.

[Jen]

You do?

[Jeff]

Oh, I do too. There are times like I'll wake up earlier than Stacy, and she's just laying there and. Yeah, it's just sort of a reflective taking it all in. Like, this is my life. This is my wife. And, yeah, I'll stare at her.

[Jen]

A sweet moment.

[Lily]

It's kind of cute.

[Bert]

Not for me. Weird.

[Jen]

Lily.

[Jeff]

Mm.

[Bert]

Watching somebody look at me looking for a second. Yeah, it sounds cute in theory, but the reality is it's weird. But that person is asleep and you're.

[Jeff]

Yeah. You're not there for an hour.

[Bert]

Not like an inch from your face.

[Jen]

I think that plays both ways. I think girls like to see you sleep too.

[Carl]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Now Jeff is freaked out because the last time we were on a flight together, I was watching him sleep really, really close. Now he's taking him all in, just reflecting. He woke up, and I think I

[Podcast Host]

was a little together for so long.

[Bert]

A little too close.

[Jeff]

Face to face was a little too close for him.

[Jen]

And then the last one on the list, they say watching you do your job, it's awesome to watch a woman who's an expert in something and think, that's my lady right there.

[Bert]

Depends on what her job is. Like, if she's a stripper. Not sure how I feel about that.

[Jeff]

I would agree with that. When Stacey is successful at something that she's doing, then that I do get turned on by that.

[Carl]

I think I'm the same way. I'm proud of my wife when she does a good job because she's real focused.

[Lily]

But you never thought about it, though.

[Carl]

No, I never thought about it, though.

[Jen]

Yeah, like, you got to go watch Jessica do her fashion show thing this weekend. Whatever.

[Bert]

Yeah. I was scared to death, though. That thing is long and looks slippery with the Runway.

[Jeff]

I think for the most part, it sounds like a pretty accurate list. Yeah.

[Jen]

Maybe it was written by a guy.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I think for the most part,

[Jen]

it actually was this time, maybe. Okay, cool.

[Jeff]

The lip biting thing, that cannot be underestimated right there.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Jeff]

If you don't. Unless you draw blood.

[Bert]

All right, we got it, Bert.

[Jeff]

You're doing good. You're fine on that one.

[Bert]

We got it.

[Jeff]

And again, the competing. Not the competing, but just playing sports together. 100%. Yeah. That's all.

[Carl]

I think any of those tips really work. Lip biting, throwing your hair around, all that girly sexual stuff. It works.

[Jeff]

It's funny because women spend so much time putting yourselves together to look good that in a lot of cases, we like you.

[Bert]

Messy, right?

[Jeff]

We think it's way sexier.

[Jen]

Messy, Right?

[Bert]

Like your crush of that Lost girl.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Her name?

[Jen]

Kate Lynn Evangeline Lilly.

[Jeff]

She looks so much hotter to me on the island than she does in interviews on Regis. Way hotter.

[Jen]

Or on the red carpet or something.

[Jeff]

The bird Show.