The Bert Show – Vault: We Tested a Magazine's Attraction List on Real Guys

Episode Date: April 2, 2026
Main Theme:
In this episode, the Bert Show crew puts a women's magazine article to the test, evaluating a list of "Five Little Things That Drive Guys Crazy (In a Good Way)" by discussing how true or accurate its points are from a male perspective. The team debates whether the advice is actually written by or for men, sharing personal experiences and authentic reactions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origins and Authenticity of Magazine Advice

• Jen introduces the segment by expressing skepticism about whether so-called "guy-written" magazine articles are truly authored by men, prompting discussion about the authenticity of such advice.
• The guys agree there’s frequent confusion (and some amusement) over who actually writes these columns, with Burt joking:

  "I am never quite sure if these are written by guys or written by women." (01:31)

2. The "Five Things" List—True or False?

The team breaks down each point from the magazine, offering candid male perspectives:

1. Crying at Movies

• Magazine Claim: Men like when women cry watching movies—it melts their hearts.
• Reactions: The group is generally indifferent, with some nuance.
  • Carl: "I don't care." (02:11)
  • Jeff: Sees it as confirmation of "girliness" (02:15)
  • Burt: "If she didn't cry during a scene that I would think every woman would cry at, I would question it. She's too hard." (02:18)
• Debate on Over-Crying:
  • Jeff: "Overly crying for me could be a deal breaker...you could bring me stress down later on down the line." (03:03)
  • Burt: "That's like, a sign of, like, too much baggage right there." (03:11)
• Women’s Perspective: Crying isn't always about sadness; it's also a way to relieve stress.
• Memorable Moment:
  • The team bonds over the infamous Sarah McLachlan pet adoption commercials, admitting even they find them unbearably sad.
    • Jen: "I always cry on those animal commercials... It's just torture right there." (03:53)

2. Biting Your Lip to Suppress a Smile

• Magazine Claim: Guys find it irresistibly cute and sexy, especially if there’s lip gloss.
• Unanimous agreement: "There is no situation where a girl biting her lip isn't sexy." – Burt (04:59)
• Notable Quote:
  • Burt: "If you don't. Unless you draw blood." (08:49)

3. Playing Sports (Regardless of Skill Level)

• Magazine Claim: Guys like when women play sports, even badly.
• Group Reaction: Very true, even if the woman isn't skilled.
  • Burt: "Even if you suck at it. Yeah, 100%." (05:21)
  • Carl: Agrees and jokingly hesitates at being outplayed.
• If She’s Too Good?:
  • Carl: Laughs at the idea but jokes about the male ego.
  • Jeff: Shares that his wife is aggressive in basketball, which is both "kind of sexy" and a challenge for his own pride. (06:07)
• Limits:
  • Carl: "If you go home and you gotta ice up and you're bruised, if you gotta lie to your friends how you got the cut or bruise because your wife gave it to you, it's not sexy anymore." (06:39)

4. Watching Her Sleep

• Magazine Claim: Watching your partner sleep is endearing.
• Split Reception:
  • Carl: Finds it "kind of creepy." (06:52)
  • Burt: Enjoys the sweet, reflective moments when watching his wife sleep.

    "It's just sort of a reflective, taking it all in, like, right, this is my life. This is my wife. And, yeah, I'll stare at her." (07:14)

• Consensus: Cute in moderation; staring for long periods is weird.

5. Seeing Her at Work (Being Good at Her Job)

• Magazine Claim: Watching a woman be an expert at her job is attractive.
• Mostly True:
  • Burt: "When Stacy is successful at something...I do get turned on by that." (08:18)
  • Jeff: "I'm proud of my wife when she does a good job..." (08:23)
• Joking Caveat:
  • Carl: "Depends on what her job is. Like, if she's a stripper. Not sure how I feel about that." (08:12)

Additional Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Effortless vs. Made-Up Looks:
  • Burt: "Women spend so much time putting yourselves together...in a lot of cases, we like you messy." (09:11)
  • Carl: Jokes about the "Lost" actress Evangeline Lilly looking hottest disheveled, not on the red carpet. (09:21–09:30)
• General Conclusion: The group agrees most points are accurate, with the show’s trademark banter and playful honesty.
  • Burt: "I think for the most part, it sounds like a pretty accurate list. Yeah." (08:41)
  • Jen: "Maybe it was written by a guy." (08:43)
  • Carl: "All right, we got it, Bert." (08:54)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:09] — Jen introduces the “Five Things” list.
• [01:43 – 04:45] — Crying at movies: discussion, personal stories, animal commercials detour.
• [04:45 – 05:04] — Lip biting: everyone agrees it’s attractive.
• [05:04 – 06:46] — Playing sports: skill level, competitiveness, male egos.
• [06:46 – 07:48] — Watching partner sleep: endearing or creepy?
• [07:48 – 08:41] — Watching her at work: pride and attraction.
• [08:41 – 09:33] — Wrap-up, extra thoughts on attractiveness, natural vs made-up looks.

Summary Takeaway

This episode is a fun, candid look at which supposedly "irresistible" female behaviors actually work on real guys, as the Burt Show crew cuts through magazine clichés with humor and personal experience. The main message: authenticity and effort often win, but there’s plenty of room for playful clichés—just don’t overdo them or take advice too literally.

Highlight Quote:

“Women spend so much time putting yourselves together...in a lot of cases, we like you messy.” — Burt (09:11)

Perfect for listeners seeking a mix of relatable relationship insights and laughs.