The Bert Show: "What Are The Signs A Guy Is Going To Be Bad In Bed?"

Episode Overview

In this playful and candid episode, The Bert Show crew dives into the age-old question: “How can you tell if a guy is going to be bad in bed before you even sleep with him?” Using a recent Cosmopolitan magazine article as inspiration, hosts Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers break down stereotypes, personal theories, and listener anecdotes about early warning signs—offering both laughs and genuine insight. The lively discussion, sprinkled with personal stories and confessions, explores everything from kissing skills to the way a man eats ribs, all while maintaining the show’s signature irreverent yet relatable energy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Ho Number” and Its Influence (01:47–02:56)

• Definition: The “ho number” is the personal limit some women keep for how many people they’ve slept with. Many try not to go above this number.
  • “That number is just the number of people you always have in your mind that you don’t want to go over…” (D, 01:55)
• Sliding Scale: As you age, this "number" may get fuzzier and less important.
  • “Maybe it doesn’t matter now that I’m this age.” (C, 02:53)

2. Early Warning Signs: Drawing from Cosmopolitan and Listener Experience

a) The Usual Suspects (02:56–03:30)

• Kissing and Dancing Skills: These are classic indicators. Good dancing and kissing often equate to being better in bed.
  • “If he’s a great kisser, then he should be great in bed. Or if he’s a good dancer…” (E, 03:06)
• Rhythm as a Metaphor: No sense of rhythm often means no rhythm in bed, too.

b) Personality & Social Clues (03:30–04:14)

• Loud/Disrespectful Behavior: Guys who catcall or show off in front of buddies often aren’t attentive lovers.
  • “He’s not gonna be the one that’s gonna be real attentive to you once you get in the bedroom.” (D, 03:54)
• Mama’s Boys: Overly attached to their mothers, likely timid or awkward in bed.
  • “Too much of a mama’s boy is not gonna be so good.” (D, 04:38)

c) Boasting and Overconfidence (05:01–05:23)

• All Talk, No Action: The “I’m gonna rock your world” types rarely deliver.
  • “Those guys are awful. They’re never any good.” (F, 05:06)

d) Table Manners and Eating Habits (06:20–07:01)

• Fast, Messy Eating: Rushing food = rushing everything else.
  • “If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food…he’s gonna rush through everything else.” (F, 06:24)
• Poor Table Manners: Shows general selfishness or sloppiness that translates to the bedroom.

e) Looks and Attractiveness (07:01–07:31)

• Attractive = Less Effort? Several women believe the “ugly” or “average” guys put in more work.
  • “If they’re too good looking, don’t even bother.” (F, 07:07)
  • “The best looking guys were the ones that were not the best in bed.” (C, 07:22)

f) Sexual Inhibition or Repression (07:33–07:41)

• Easily Embarrassed by Sexuality: Overly blushing at something sexual (e.g. visible nipples) suggests sexual repression.
  • “He’s gonna be a little bit too sexually repressed.” (C, 07:41)

g) Butt-Grabbing Analysis (07:51–09:12)

• Confidence vs. Creepiness: The way a man grabs your butt (with the right timing and confidence) can indicate skill in bed.
  • “If he just barely touches it…he’s not going to be good at all.” (F, 08:15)
• WARNING: The panel strongly cautions men not to take this as a green light to grab strangers.

h) Physical and Behavioral Miscues (09:47–10:17)

• Weakness or Clumsiness: Can’t fix a stuck door? Can’t open it? Might be a metaphor for lacking passion or drive in bed.
• Lack of Endurance: Complains about a tired tongue after a couple licks of ice cream—implication is clear.

i) The Gym Theory (10:25–11:01)

• Weight Room Observation: Men who rush reps or try to lift too much likely rush other activities, while those who take their time are generally better lovers.
  • “The ones that do their repetitions too fast are gonna be in bed starting without you.” (F, 10:31)

j) The “Size” Myth (11:03–11:44)

• Size of Hands/Feet: Longstanding belief, but panel debates its reliability.
  • “Isn’t it true, though, that size, although great, if they don’t know what to do with it, isn’t good?” (D, 11:18)

k) Experience and Adaptability (13:00–14:26)

• Practice Makes Perfect: Guys with more experience (not too much!) are generally better due to adaptability, not just “moves.”
  • “Guys with more experience under their belt…are better than the less experienced guys.” (D, 13:10)
  • “I think a guy who’s only been with one or two women thinks that same move is going to work on other people…” (D, 14:15)

l) Confidence, Attention, and Eye Contact (15:13–16:06)

• Conversational Engagement: Guys who maintain eye contact and actually listen are typically better lovers.
  • “A guy who’s gonna be good in bed can carry on conversation and look in your eyes…” (F, 15:13)
  • “The only thing, guys, that makes you good in bed with a woman is if you satisfy her…that’s what makes you good in bed, is satisfying that woman. And the only way to do that is to pay attention.” (E, 16:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the “Ho Number”
  “You start with one clear one, and then it just starts to get a little fuzzier.”
  — C (02:51)

• On Dancing & Rhythm
  “If you can’t find the beat to [‘We Will Rock You’], you’ve got no rhythm at all.”
  — D (03:30)

• On Boasting
  “The guys that tell you, like, ‘Oh, baby, you’re not gonna be able to handle me in bed.’ Those guys are awful. They’re never any good.”
  — F (05:06)

• On Eating Habits
  “If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food…he’s gonna rush through everything else.”
  — F (06:24)

• On Attractiveness
  “If they’re too good looking, don’t even bother.”
  — F (07:08)

• On Practicing Moves
  “That is a myth, that if you have a move that worked on one woman, that it’s going to work on all of them.”
  — C (14:11)

• On What Really Matters
  “The only thing, guys, that makes you good in bed with a woman is if you satisfy her…you have to pay attention.”
  — E (16:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Topic | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|-------------| | Defining the “ho number” | 01:47–02:56 | | Introduction of Cosmo’s list | 03:16–03:30 | | Mama’s boys and personality signs | 04:24–04:46 | | Bragging about bedroom skills | 05:06–05:23 | | Eating habits as a relationship red flag | 06:20–07:01 | | Looks vs. bedroom ability | 07:01–07:31 | | Butt-grabbing as a (questionable) sign | 07:51–09:12 | | Weight room theories | 10:25–11:01 | | Old myths about “size” | 11:03–11:44 | | Experience (and “too much”) | 13:00–14:26 | | Eye contact, conversation, confidence | 15:13–16:06 |

Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced, irreverent, honest, and peppered with banter, personal anecdotes, and light teasing. The hosts never take themselves too seriously, ensuring listeners feel like they’re chatting with friends over coffee—albeit with a hefty dose of mockery and innuendo.

Summary Takeaways

• There are many supposed “warning signs” that a guy may be bad in bed, but none are foolproof.
• Confidence, attentiveness, and effort matter far more than looks or bravado.
• Experience can help, but adaptability and a willingness to personalize are key.
• Not all stereotypes hold true—sometimes the “fast eater, mama’s boy, can’t-dance” is, in fact, a sexual dynamo!
• Ultimately, good lovers listen, pay attention, and care about their partner’s experience.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone curious (or nervous!) about romantic red flags, or just looking to laugh along with the crew’s candid, rowdy takes on dating and sex.