Vault: What Are The Signs A Guy Is Going To Be Bad In Bed?

Summary

The Bert Show: "What Are The Signs A Guy Is Going To Be Bad In Bed?"

Episode Overview

In this playful and candid episode, The Bert Show crew dives into the age-old question: “How can you tell if a guy is going to be bad in bed before you even sleep with him?” Using a recent Cosmopolitan magazine article as inspiration, hosts Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers break down stereotypes, personal theories, and listener anecdotes about early warning signs—offering both laughs and genuine insight. The lively discussion, sprinkled with personal stories and confessions, explores everything from kissing skills to the way a man eats ribs, all while maintaining the show’s signature irreverent yet relatable energy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Ho Number” and Its Influence (01:47–02:56)

• Definition: The “ho number” is the personal limit some women keep for how many people they’ve slept with. Many try not to go above this number.
  • “That number is just the number of people you always have in your mind that you don’t want to go over…” (D, 01:55)
• Sliding Scale: As you age, this "number" may get fuzzier and less important.
  • “Maybe it doesn’t matter now that I’m this age.” (C, 02:53)

2. Early Warning Signs: Drawing from Cosmopolitan and Listener Experience

a) The Usual Suspects (02:56–03:30)

• Kissing and Dancing Skills: These are classic indicators. Good dancing and kissing often equate to being better in bed.
  • “If he’s a great kisser, then he should be great in bed. Or if he’s a good dancer…” (E, 03:06)
• Rhythm as a Metaphor: No sense of rhythm often means no rhythm in bed, too.

b) Personality & Social Clues (03:30–04:14)

• Loud/Disrespectful Behavior: Guys who catcall or show off in front of buddies often aren’t attentive lovers.
  • “He’s not gonna be the one that’s gonna be real attentive to you once you get in the bedroom.” (D, 03:54)
• Mama’s Boys: Overly attached to their mothers, likely timid or awkward in bed.
  • “Too much of a mama’s boy is not gonna be so good.” (D, 04:38)

c) Boasting and Overconfidence (05:01–05:23)

• All Talk, No Action: The “I’m gonna rock your world” types rarely deliver.
  • “Those guys are awful. They’re never any good.” (F, 05:06)

d) Table Manners and Eating Habits (06:20–07:01)

• Fast, Messy Eating: Rushing food = rushing everything else.
  • “If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food…he’s gonna rush through everything else.” (F, 06:24)
• Poor Table Manners: Shows general selfishness or sloppiness that translates to the bedroom.

e) Looks and Attractiveness (07:01–07:31)

• Attractive = Less Effort? Several women believe the “ugly” or “average” guys put in more work.
  • “If they’re too good looking, don’t even bother.” (F, 07:07)
  • “The best looking guys were the ones that were not the best in bed.” (C, 07:22)

f) Sexual Inhibition or Repression (07:33–07:41)

• Easily Embarrassed by Sexuality: Overly blushing at something sexual (e.g. visible nipples) suggests sexual repression.
  • “He’s gonna be a little bit too sexually repressed.” (C, 07:41)

g) Butt-Grabbing Analysis (07:51–09:12)

• Confidence vs. Creepiness: The way a man grabs your butt (with the right timing and confidence) can indicate skill in bed.
  • “If he just barely touches it…he’s not going to be good at all.” (F, 08:15)
• WARNING: The panel strongly cautions men not to take this as a green light to grab strangers.

h) Physical and Behavioral Miscues (09:47–10:17)

• Weakness or Clumsiness: Can’t fix a stuck door? Can’t open it? Might be a metaphor for lacking passion or drive in bed.
• Lack of Endurance: Complains about a tired tongue after a couple licks of ice cream—implication is clear.

i) The Gym Theory (10:25–11:01)

• Weight Room Observation: Men who rush reps or try to lift too much likely rush other activities, while those who take their time are generally better lovers.
  • “The ones that do their repetitions too fast are gonna be in bed starting without you.” (F, 10:31)

j) The “Size” Myth (11:03–11:44)

• Size of Hands/Feet: Longstanding belief, but panel debates its reliability.
  • “Isn’t it true, though, that size, although great, if they don’t know what to do with it, isn’t good?” (D, 11:18)

k) Experience and Adaptability (13:00–14:26)

• Practice Makes Perfect: Guys with more experience (not too much!) are generally better due to adaptability, not just “moves.”
  • “Guys with more experience under their belt…are better than the less experienced guys.” (D, 13:10)
  • “I think a guy who’s only been with one or two women thinks that same move is going to work on other people…” (D, 14:15)

l) Confidence, Attention, and Eye Contact (15:13–16:06)

• Conversational Engagement: Guys who maintain eye contact and actually listen are typically better lovers.
  • “A guy who’s gonna be good in bed can carry on conversation and look in your eyes…” (F, 15:13)
  • “The only thing, guys, that makes you good in bed with a woman is if you satisfy her…that’s what makes you good in bed, is satisfying that woman. And the only way to do that is to pay attention.” (E, 16:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the “Ho Number”
  “You start with one clear one, and then it just starts to get a little fuzzier.”
  — C (02:51)

• On Dancing & Rhythm
  “If you can’t find the beat to [‘We Will Rock You’], you’ve got no rhythm at all.”
  — D (03:30)

• On Boasting
  “The guys that tell you, like, ‘Oh, baby, you’re not gonna be able to handle me in bed.’ Those guys are awful. They’re never any good.”
  — F (05:06)

• On Eating Habits
  “If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food…he’s gonna rush through everything else.”
  — F (06:24)

• On Attractiveness
  “If they’re too good looking, don’t even bother.”
  — F (07:08)

• On Practicing Moves
  “That is a myth, that if you have a move that worked on one woman, that it’s going to work on all of them.”
  — C (14:11)

• On What Really Matters
  “The only thing, guys, that makes you good in bed with a woman is if you satisfy her…you have to pay attention.”
  — E (16:00)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Topic | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|-------------| | Defining the “ho number” | 01:47–02:56 | | Introduction of Cosmo’s list | 03:16–03:30 | | Mama’s boys and personality signs | 04:24–04:46 | | Bragging about bedroom skills | 05:06–05:23 | | Eating habits as a relationship red flag | 06:20–07:01 | | Looks vs. bedroom ability | 07:01–07:31 | | Butt-grabbing as a (questionable) sign | 07:51–09:12 | | Weight room theories | 10:25–11:01 | | Old myths about “size” | 11:03–11:44 | | Experience (and “too much”) | 13:00–14:26 | | Eye contact, conversation, confidence | 15:13–16:06 |

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Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced, irreverent, honest, and peppered with banter, personal anecdotes, and light teasing. The hosts never take themselves too seriously, ensuring listeners feel like they’re chatting with friends over coffee—albeit with a hefty dose of mockery and innuendo.

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Summary Takeaways

• There are many supposed “warning signs” that a guy may be bad in bed, but none are foolproof.
• Confidence, attentiveness, and effort matter far more than looks or bravado.
• Experience can help, but adaptability and a willingness to personalize are key.
• Not all stereotypes hold true—sometimes the “fast eater, mama’s boy, can’t-dance” is, in fact, a sexual dynamo!
• Ultimately, good lovers listen, pay attention, and care about their partner’s experience.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone curious (or nervous!) about romantic red flags, or just looking to laugh along with the crew’s candid, rowdy takes on dating and sex.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

The Birch show so Cosmo magazine knows, like Jen said, that you probably are getting dangerously close to your ho number.

[D]

And that number is just the number of people you always have in your mind that you don't want to go over that number of guys you slept with.

[C]

Haven't you told us before that if a lot of girls that get close to that number start sleeping with ex boyfriends just so they can stay under that number?

[E]

Of course, because you can't recount the.

[D]

Old level, he's still number two on the list. You can go back to number two and it doesn't add.

[C]

It doesn't add to the list.

[D]

That's the oldest trick in the book on that.

[C]

So why get close to that number with guys that are going to be bad in bed when maybe you can identify the guys that are going to suck in bed before you even get into bed and eliminate them?

[D]

Boom.

[C]

Right off the bat.

[E]

Because if you have to go over your whole number, it better be worth it.

[D]

Right?

[C]

You know, so. And does that whole number does that? I'm just. Is there a sliding scale to that? If you get close, do you reassess as you get older?

[D]

I'm sure.

[C]

Okay. I'm just curious.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, I'm sure it is a sliding scale as you get older. You start with. You start with one clear one, and.

[C]

Then it just starts to get a little fuzzier.

[D]

Maybe it doesn't matter now that I'm this age.

[C]

Yeah, we're cur. How do you know a guy is gonna be bad in bed before it even happens? And I think there are, like, one or two stereotypical ones.

[E]

Yeah. One of the two of the things that came to mind first, you know, if he's a good kisser, you know, if he's a great kisser, then he should be great in bed. Or if he's a good dancer, if he dances well, then he should be good in bed. There's the two things I always hear.

[C]

That's the one I hear over and over and over again. Like, if you're at a club and a guy's dancing all dork, like, then, you know he's got no rhythm, Right? He's got nothing. So stay away from him. Do you guys have any more of these? Because Cosmo has put together an entire list.

[D]

Cosmo has the dancing one on the list. They call it the Man Can't Even Find the Beat to We Will Rock youk. If you can't find the beat to that, you know, to that chant, then you've got no rhythm at all. Another one on the list is you met after he shouted, hey, hot stuff at you from a doorway where he was drinking beer with 10 of his friends.

[C]

So what's he saying? Like, if he doesn't respect you and he's yelling things out to you, then chances are pretty good he's not gonna respect you in bed either.

[D]

Yeah, I think if it's like that loud, egotistical type of guy in the bar who would shout at you or shout as you walked by, he's not gonna be the one that's gonna be real attentive to you once you get in the bedroom.

[E]

And. Yeah, and I'm also thinking, like, if he's the kind of guy that gets aggressive in front of a crowd, in front of his buddies or whatever, when he's alone with you, he's not gonna know what to do.

[C]

It's gonna be all timid.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

This one says after pressing a few buttons and turning a knob or two on his stereo, all according to the manual, it still won't work.

[C]

Okay, I think we all get that.

[E]

I forget that.

[D]

Yeah, let's see. Let's see. When he was snuggling up to you during a movie, nuzzling into your breasts, you swore you heard him whimper, mama.

[C]

What's that say to you? That he's a mama's boy. He's kind of a sissy.

[D]

Yeah. Too much of a mama's boy is not gonna be so good. They're gonna be a little scared of their own shadow.

[C]

And that's been your theory with Justin Timberlake, why he can't keep a woman?

[E]

Seriously. I mean, here is a guy who's a great dancer, you know, and he's really popular, but every woman he's been with has left him. He's not left anybody. And I think it's because he's still. The apron strings are really tied tight around his neck.

[C]

Right. Before you continue here, Jen.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Cause there's one that seems to be coming in a. Hey, Heather.

[F]

Hey.

[C]

Hi.

[F]

The guys that tell you, like, oh, baby, you're not gonna be able to handle me in bed. Those guys are awful. They're never any good.

[E]

It's like if they're all talk or they talk big, then they don't have anything to back it up with.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

That seems to be one call that's coming in quite a bit. So if he's bragging about how great he is, chances are pretty good he sucks in bed.

[E]

Yeah, that's almost like the Revenge of the nerds theory. Like, remember that movie where she fell in love with the geek because he was so good in bed and it's because he didn't brag about it and he. You remember that or am I going way too far back?

[C]

I don't remember.

[E]

I'm sure it's been on TBS lately, but. Yeah. So. Yeah. Anyway, so it's the guy that was all. The fraternity guy who was all bragging and good looking, and he knew he was. The stuff was bad in bed, but the dork was better, you know?

[C]

Okay.

[D]

All right. We've also got. This one is a dead ringer for me when he's allergic to his own Sweat. So all of his activities must not spike up his body heat. Like somebody who's, like, to me, like, super allergic to everything. Well, I can't eat cheese, and I can't have this. And I certainly can't sprinkle nuts on my food. And if I eat a blueberry, I'm gonna explode. And if I have this and I'm really stuffy if I go outside too much. You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, lactose intolerant.

[E]

Right?

[D]

Like, somebody who's allergic to everything definitely can't be functional in the bedroom, in my opinion.

[C]

Tasha, how do you know a dude is gonna be bad in bed even before you get him in bed?

[F]

The way he eats. If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food like he's a starving child in another country, he's gonna rush through everything else.

[E]

Okay, all right. That's good.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

That's so funny.

[C]

What does Cosmo say?

[D]

Let's see. They do have one that's similar to what she just said. He gorges on a side of ribs smothered in barbecue sauce and then moves in for a big smooch without even wiping his mouth. So somebody without table manners, without, like, a regard for you or regard for other people is, you know, going to have that same, like, selfish, sloppy tendency in bed.

[F]

Hey, Sarah, I think ugly guys are much better in bed. So if they're too good looking, don't even bother.

[C]

Kind of goes along with your Revenge of the Nerds theory.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, I know that's an old movie, but still, that was the theme in it that guys, you know, that you assume are going to be the ones. And we've said this before, we've taken calls from women, plenty of women who said the best looking guys were the ones that were not the best in bed.

[C]

You know, and we've taken calls from guys, too, saying the exact same thing. That the best looking women. That they finally got a woman in bed that they've been dying to get in bed because she was so hot. She sucked.

[E]

Yeah, she just sucked.

[D]

Okay, we've also got one. A cold breeze causes your nips to come alive through your white T shirt. And he blushes and turns away because.

[C]

He'S gonna be a little bit too sexually repressed. Repress. So if that's totally got him embarrassed, then you're screwed. Hey, Crystal, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[F]

Good morning.

[E]

Hi.

[F]

It is the way a man grabs your butt. It tells you that he is, like, going to Be awesome in bed.

[C]

Okay, Give us the different techniques. What's the good and what's the bad?

[F]

The good one, if it fits right in the palm of his hand and just the way he cups it, it's like perfect. If he just barely touches it, just slightly lays his hand on your butt, he's not going to be good at all.

[E]

Okay, and let's give guys. When should he be doing this? Because you know how, you know, some guys be like, oh, well, I'll just touch your butt and show how good in bed I am.

[C]

I'm gonna go cut Melissa's ass today.

[F]

But you always get guys that are like that, though, that they're ass grabbers that love grabbing your butt.

[C]

So let me ask you this. If you're in a club. If you're in a club and a guy grabs your ass.

[F]

Okay, okay.

[C]

But he does it in the way that you're saying, that's okay, that's fine. Are you kidding?

[F]

Serious, that shows that he's, like, really good.

[C]

Are you me?

[D]

I thought you meant like during a makeout session.

[F]

Make out session. Anyway, you know, I do not encourage.

[E]

Men to go out and start grabbing a woman's ass.

[C]

See, this gets back to, like that sexual harassment thing that I always say. Like, it's only sexual harassment if you're not attracted to the guy. It's the same thing in the club is what you're saying is that if he grabs it just right, then it's flattering, but if he grabs it in the wrong way, then you're offended by it.

[F]

Offended, slash you suck at that. But if you're. If you're at a club and you know you've been dancing with this guy for a while and then you're tipsy and he starts grabbing your butt and it's just like, wow, this guy's good. I sense that he's gonna be really, really good men.

[C]

There are so many women right now that are screaming at the radio because guys are listening, getting the totally wrong.

[E]

I know. Guys, did you hear when she said that you were dancing with them for a while? Like, you got to know the girl. Please don't go do that today.

[C]

You don't want to go anywhere near Mako's this weekend.

[D]

Now. No, no, no, no.

[C]

Not with that green light.

[E]

All right?

[D]

Also from the Cosmo commandments of that he'll suck in the bedroom. One of them is, he complains that his tongue is tired after only two tiny licks of his ice cream cone.

[C]

I understand that one.

[D]

So.

[C]

Okay, yeah.

[D]

This one says your door jams, but he doesn't have the thrusting power to bust it open. In fact, you end up having to do it like your front door. Yeah. Or your bedroom door. Whatever door you have in your house, it jams, and he can't open it. You've got to open it yourself.

[C]

You're gonna be doing all the work yourself.

[D]

You're gonna be taking charge. He's never gonna take charge. Okay, is, I think, what that says?

[C]

Got it. Is that the whole list from Cosmo?

[D]

I think that's most of them, yeah.

[C]

Chris, how do you know a guy's gonna be bad in bed even before you get him there?

[F]

I've got a theory on that. All you have to do is watch them in the weight room, and the ones that do their repetitions too fast are gonna be in bed starting without you.

[D]

That's funny.

[C]

How about the guys that lift way too much weight and, like, it's so obvious that their technique is all off and all bad, but they're biting off more than they can chew.

[F]

Exactly. That's another clue.

[C]

All right.

[F]

But the ones that are lifting the appropriate weight and doing it slowly, they're the ones that you want to take home with you.

[D]

Nice.

[C]

Good morning, Gina. You're on all the hits Q100.

[F]

Good morning. How you doing?

[C]

All right, thank you.

[F]

A good indicator is the size of their hands or their feet.

[C]

Yeah, we're getting a lot of that.

[D]

Really?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

So that's true.

[F]

It usually is, but doesn't it?

[D]

Isn't it true, though, that size, although great, if they don't know what to do with it, isn't good?

[F]

Yeah, but it's a good indicator that it's probably going to be good to.

[E]

Start with, or it makes up.

[D]

You've got the right materials to work with.

[F]

Absolutely right.

[C]

If you've got the right size engine, you can always go fast. But if you've got a small engine, you got no shot at all of going fast.

[F]

That's right.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

Thank you.

[D]

Bye. Bye.

[C]

Please tell me there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

[E]

I have heard it. Yes. I don't know personally, but I know women that say that too much. They will turn down.

[D]

Yes, there can be.

[C]

Ashley, you're on all the hits Q100.

[F]

Yeah. I just want to say that everything that y' all have said is on the list of a guy that would make a bad lover. My man is on that for every single one. He's an extremely fast eater. He's a mama's boy, right? I mean, pretty much everything that you guys have listed, that's him. He can't dance if he tries, but once you put him in bed hours.

[C]

Well, they say there's someone for everyone.

[F]

And I'll say this, I mean, I don't know if I can say it on the radio, but the amount of orgasm that he can give you in a night is out of this world.

[E]

All right, let me ask you a question. Did he come that way? I'm sorry? Did he arrive in your life that way or did you have to train him a little bit?

[F]

No, I mean, from the get go, he was like that. I mean, the first couple times I was like, okay, okay, I've got to stop. I was like, I can't keep going on. He completely wore me out.

[E]

Well, there's an exception to every rule.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

Well. And I will go along with her theory in saying that practice makes me perfect. I think guys with more experience under their belt that they come to the table with are better than the less experienced guys. If you meet a guy that's only had a couple people in his past.

[C]

But then you look on the other side of that too, and there's got to be like, it gets to a point where there's too many and it's too icky, is there ever that point? Because I know, remember Lindsay's boyfriend had.

[E]

Slept with like 300.

[D]

Yeah. I think, of course there's a Charlie Sheen number that's just disgusting. But I think that, you know, guys that have been more experienced with other women, it's like they got their warm up, warmup out on somebody else and then they're bringing the expertise to you. But.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just, I'm curious if does that. But that. But a guy who's experienced surely will know that this. Like, I am fascinated by guys who think they have a move. And the thing is, I mean, I think to me, the, you know, secret of success is personalizing situations. You know what I'm saying? Like, I go into a situation, of course I don't sleep with men, but I go into a situation knowing the first time is not going to be the best time for sure. You know, And I don't judge somebody completely based on that first time.

[C]

Yeah. That is a myth that if you have a move that worked on one woman, that it's going to work on all of them.

[D]

And I think that comes from an inexperienced guy. I think a guy who's only been with one or two women thinks that that same move is going to work on other people, but if they've been with more than that, they're going to.

[E]

Know they know better.

[D]

Yeah, they know better.

[C]

I've told you, my friend Alfie in Dallas, the guy that his move was.

[E]

Just the other day, his.

[C]

His move was the motorboat.

[D]

Oh, God.

[C]

It was the motorboat. And he thought it worked on everyone.

[E]

Why don't you demonstrate?

[D]

He has been nicknamed that by all the women he's ever tried that on.

[C]

Well, that was his name for his move was the motorboat.

[E]

He got over that, didn't he?

[C]

To just. And he thought women loved that.

[E]

He learned better, right?

[C]

And you know what is so sick is that if a guy is convincing, you know, like Jeff, how he's so convincing in his cell of things, that Alfie sold that to six of us. And I guarantee you, all six of us tried it at one point or another after we had that conversation with.

[D]

Him, because he sold it so well.

[C]

Sold it so well. Hey, Christy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[F]

Hi. I can tell you, a guy who's gonna be good in bed can carry on conversation and look in your eyes and just gaze in your eyes. You'll know.

[C]

So it's a confidence thing, eye contact?

[F]

Oh, yes, it's definitely a confidence thing. I think any guy that can carry on a conversation and keep an eye contact with you is gonna be real good in that. Otherwise, he's not gonna be interested in you. You know how you talk to a guy and all of a sudden they're distracted and they're, you know, their conversation goes off in another direction instead of listening to what you have to say.

[D]

Mm.

[E]

As he's.

[F]

Has a lot to do with it.

[D]

He's.

[E]

As he's cupping your butt and. No, I'm just kidding. Well, I think it all. And it kind of goes back to what we just said about personalizing. You know, like, if he's looking you in the eye and he's paying attention to you, then he'll pay attention to you in other places. And the only thing, guys, that make you good in bed with a woman is if you satisfy her. I'm sorry. You know, like, I don't think guys get that.

[C]

Huh.

[E]

But that's what makes you good in bed, is satisfying that woman. And the only way to do that is to pay attention.

[C]

We lost Paul, but he was calling to say, you're making guys so nervous right now, it's like a golf swing now. Now, you gotta remember all of this when you're actually in the middle of the act. I can't possibly sort it all out.

[D]

Wait a minute. Eye contact and What?

[E]

And I can dance and kiss and.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And I'm.

[D]

What?

[E]

My shoe size? I don't know. Oh, my God. And a cup or butt. How do I cup her butt? Did she say put it on? I don't remember.

[D]

Wait, I'm eating. I should slow down.

[C]

During New York, the Birch Show.